Jusenkyou (for, lo, that was the nickname he'd been
given by
his friends after inventing a really great drinking
game) knocked on
the door leading to His friend's home. He'd spend most
of the last
millenium deciding what to take with Him, and what to
leave behind. It
had been a tough choice, but He'd finally decided to
take the three
things most important to Him: Japan, Jusenkyou and the
surrounding
territories, and one more thing...
His monorail of thought jumped the track when a
bright,
cheery feminine voice said "Nice to see You again,
Jusenkyou! What do
You think of My new outfit?" The Sea of Chaos twirled
dramatically for
Her friend's benefit.
Who shrugged disinterestedly. "It's okay if You like
Your
mortals goldskinned, flatchested, and with a skinny
butt. My tastes,
however, run in a different direction."
Jyhad erupted. Earth moved, seas boiled, fire stopped
burning,
and the sky turned to ash. Or, at least, it should
have, which is why
immediately after Jusenkyou's mouth (which lived Its
own life, wild and
free) spoke, the rest of Him cringed away from the Sea
of Chaos. When
the smiting failed to descend, Jusenkyou cracked one
eye and looked
at His roommate, who was still grinning. "Why are You
so happy today?"
The Sea of Chaos danced a little jig. "I finally won
my bet with
Order! The bit of Chaos I planted in His world cracked
it wide open, and
He'll spend eons trying to fix it!" She mimed picking
up and dialing a
phone, then said, "Duh... is dis de Maytag man? Can ya
fix a unaverse
for Me? It went on de fritz, and I is too stoopid to
fix."
Jusenkyou leaned in close. "I always wanted to ask
You.... Why
did You ever decided to date Him?"
The Sea of Chaos flushed a brighter shade of gold.
"One of My
mortals said something about opposites attracting, and
I wanted to see
if it was true, that's all!" Then, She sighed for
dramatic effect. "I was
much younger then..."
_That's for sure._ Jusenkyou, not really caring any
more about
the conversation, held up what was left of His world.
"I'm ready to
move in."
"That's it?"
Jusenkyou nodded. "Yeah, this is about all I had that
was
unique."
"Heehee... b-but... nyahaha... it's soooo small!" The
Sea of
Chaos settled down a bit and said, "That's right, You
used one of the
generic templates, didn't You? Should've gone whole
hog and built an
original world like Me. Luser." That sent Her off into
fresh gales of
laughter.
Jusenkyou waved His free hand defensively. "I just
wanted to
focus My efforts, and not waste time with little
details, that's all!"
"Yeah, suuuure. Whatever you say, old friend." Then,
the Sea of
Chaos held up one finger. "What did You do with what
was left?"
"I sold the generic template to a God that was
renting from Me.
His sense of humor is a lot like Mine, but He says He
doesn't want the
magic..." Then, Jusenkyou held up a finger of His own.
"What have You
done about somewhere to put My mortals and My
creations?"
The Sea of Chaos led Him to a strange, shimmering
shield that
sheltered part of Her world from the rest. She stepped
outside of it
and gestured at a random spot in the ocean. "For some
reason, My
creations have made this shield. I was thinking that
You could put Your
island right here." At Jusenkyou's questioning look,
She nodded. "Don't
worry about Our creations not interacting with each
other. The shield
will go down in a little while.
"As far as the springs go..." She rubbed Her chin,
then walked to
a mountain range back inside the shield and pointed.
"Not many people
explore this area. You could put the springs and the
other stuff around
it right here and not cause too many problems."
Jusenkyou said angrily, "What about continuity? How
the hell
are half of My favorite mortals supposed to get from
there" He pointed
to the place the Sea of Chaos had suggested for Japan
"to here?" He
swung His finger to point at Their feet.
"How about this: Release the stasis from Your
creations exactly
two years after the shield goes down. A minimum of
meddling with
memories and shebang!" She made a grand flourish. "I
am worried about
one thing, though.... What if Your creations cause an
Industrial
Revolution in My world? I wasn't planning on _ever_
having the sort of
technologies that clutter up other worlds."
It was Jusenkyou's turn to rub His chin in thought.
"I guess I
could make My island slip backwards in time while
preserving My
favorite mortals intact. I'll tell You this much: I
wasn't too fond of
technology Myself. That's what happens when One buys a
template..."
The Sea of Chaos jumped up and down in excitement.
"Good! Now
we're finally ready to pull this off!"
Jusenkyou set down both His island and His springs,
then
remembered that He had one more thing in His hands. He
put it away for
later disposition, and didn't even notice when it
slipped out of His
pocket with a chuckle. "I want to ask You how You plan
to bring Your
favorite mortals into contact with Mine?"
The Sea of Chaos snapped Her fingers. "No worries.
I've got
just the thing..."
Slayers NIBUNNOICHI
PART THE FIRST
BRINGING IT TOGETHER
Lina Inverse loved three things above all else: Good
food, good
fights, and good finds. She was starting to appreciate
good friends,
too, but she would never give up food, fights, and
finds for mere
friendship. Her quest for these three things had led
her across the
face of the known world, and sometimes farther.
Case in point: Lina sat in a tiny inn, drooling over
her latest
find. She held up a small piece of paper that had
strange runes printed
all over it. A picture of an attractive, buxom woman
with purple hair
was prominent. "Behold! This will lead me to the
legendary Lost
Restaurant of the Cat!"
Gourry looked at the piece of paper. "That looks like
an
advertisement flyer," he said.
Lina glared at him. "It is an advertisement flyer.
For the
legendary Lost Restaurant of the Cat!" She powerposed,
trying to
impress upon Gourry just how cool, amazing, and
incredible this flyer
was.
He didn't impress. In fact, he seemed even more
confused than
usual. "Lina, when we found that, didn't you say that
thing was a
thousand years old at least?"
"Yeah, so?"
Gourry continued. "But if it's a thousand years old,
how do you
know the restaurant is still open?"
Lina sighed. "I don't."
Hammering what he considered to be the point home,
Gourry
asked, "Then why go?"
Lina actually looked down at the plate of food in
front of her,
and with some shock Gourry realized that she hadn't
touched it in the
five minutes since they'd been served. "Because I'm
_bored_, Gourry.
Roasting bandits and grabbing their gold doesn't have
the same thrill
it used to. How many times have we saved the world?"
Gourry shrugged. "I don't remember." Lina gave him a
sharp
glance.
"Are you trying to make a joke or displaying your
total
ignorance?"
"Umm, yes?"
Lina sighed again as she looked up at the ceiling
"Forget that I
even asked." Gourry did so without difficulty. "I just
wanna go off on a
quest again. Is that too much to ask?"
Gourry had stolen a piece of garlic bread whilst her
attention
was elsewhere. "Grtg mt." He swallowed and said,
"Maybe is."
"Who asked you!" Lina smacked him with a convenient
fan, then
realized where his snack had come from. "Hey, that was
mine!"
Xelloss watched from a safe distance as the two
started
squabbling once more. He shook his head and clucked
his tongue.
"Those two are _so_ cute when they fight." He stood up
and left a
generous tip on the table. Since any gold he created
would vanish a day
later, Xelloss felt it was his obligation to tip
generously. After all,
the rage that a man felt when he reached into his
pouch and found his
hard-earned gold gone had such a... delicate flavour.
The two wanderers didn't even look up from their
squabble
(which now centered around the pizza that was placed
between them) as
Xelloss walked past them, for which he was grateful.
"Thank the Lord of
Nightmares for small favors. Speaking of Her" He
looked up at the clear
night sky "I wonder why She wanted me to make sure
Lina would get that
map in the first place?"
He chuckled nastily. "That's probably... a secret."
He teleported
away, leaving only a faint tinge of fear behind.
****
The Sea of Chaos watched in satisfaction. "There you
go. Now My
creation will not rest until she has found Your
island." She turned Her
attention to Her new roommate. "So, now how do You
plan to explain the
sudden change to Your creations?"
Jusenkyou shrugged. "I don't."
The Sea of Chaos broke into laughter. "I like that!
Could be
fun!" Then, her face straightened and She asked
quietly, "But are You
_sure_ they won't care?"
"Not really, but what can they do about it?"
The Sea of Chaos smacked Her friend in the head with
a paper
fan. "Don't be an idiot! You've created some powerful
mortals there,
and the last thing We need is one of them messing
around with this
patchwork job and making it come unraveled. Now,
explain it to them as
something. Maybe... a magic spell gone wrong?"
Jusenkyou pushed up His sleeves. "No problem." He got
started.
****
Happousai glared at Ranma and the others from inside
the
pentagram they'd used to seal up his evil. "How dare
you do this to an
old man?! When I get out..."
Genma laughed heartily. "When _who_ gets out? You'll
never
escape, you senile perverted washed-up wannabe of a
stinky little old
man who couldn't get a woman with ten thousand yen
dangling out of
your pants while walking through Shinjuku!"
Soun patted his old friend on the back as he cried
(type #35:
Tears of Victory). "I couldn't have said it better,
old friend."
Genma shrugged and tried to pretend to look modest.
"I've
been saving that up for a while."
Ranma suddenly recoiled from the pentagram. "What the
hell?!"
Happousai had swelled up to seven times his usual
size,
pressing grotesquely against the barrier put up by the
pentagram. "YOU
DIE!" Then, he thundered "CICADA SHELL TECHNIQUE!"
And reality cracked...
****
The Sea of Chaos smacked Her roommate again. "That's
the
stupidest, lamest, least original idea that I've
_ever_ seen! Try
again, jackass."
Jusenkyou cast a momentary glare over at Her, then
sighed.
"I guess you're right. Using Happousai's evil to suck
Japan into your
world? That's so stupid only a fanfiction author would
come up with
it."
The Sea of Chaos shuddered. "Please don't mention any
of
the Writer's creations. He scares Me for some reason,
and His world
is just creepy! Filled with people who'd rather write
about adventure
than go out and have some..." She trailed off. "I
think You were trying
to distract Me."
Jusenkyou sighed. _Thwarted again._ Then, He rewound
His world
a bit, and started over.
****
Ranma held out one hand to Gosunkugi. "Don't do it,
man! That
demon's just lyin' to ya!"
Gosunkugi peered out from underneath his black
candles. "You
are the liar, Saotome. Nylarthotep is the only truth!"
****
The Sea of Chaos stared, dumfounded. "I stand
corrected. _That_
was the lamest thing I've _ever_ seen. I'll give it
points for
originality, though."
"Fine, fine! Spare me the sarcasm. I hate thinking on
the fly!"
Jusenkyou rubbed His forehead, then nodded. "I've got
it!"
****
"Akane?" Ranma stared at what had been the kitchen.
"Yes?"
"Remember when I said that good cooking shouldn't
bend the
laws of reality?"
"Yes."
Ranma turned from the strange, swirling portal that
was slowly
expanding around the stove and yelled at his fiance,
"WHY DIDN'T YOU
LISTEN!?!"
Akane said, in a very small voice, "I'm sorry, Ranma.
I just...
I just... Ijustwantedtomakeyouanicemeal, that's all!"
She started
sobbing, and Ranma put his arms around her.
"Well, we might as well face our end together..."
****
The Sea of Chaos was left staring again. "Were You
born
stupid, or did You use some kind of advanced study
plan to reach the
depths I just witnessed?"
Jusenkyou said defensively, "It just takes Me a while
to get
warmed up, that's all!" He paced back and forth, then
snapped His
fingers. "I've got it! But I'll need to use one of
Your mortals."
The Sea of Chaos shrugged. "Go ahead."
Jusenkyou cackled madly as He prepared His final
effort.
****
The Kunou mansion echoed with maniacal laughter,
sending all
the servants running for cover. Tatewaki looked up
from his meditations,
wondering just what could be inspiring his sister to
such lung-busting
efforts.
Not wanting his meditations delayed further, he
immediately
stood up and stalked to his sister's labs, where she
spent her days
dreaming of vile concoctions that would draw the
wretched Saotome to
her side. He feared the worst: that she'd finally
managed to mix what
would give her what she most desired.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
Without
pause, let, or break, the wretched laugh assaulted his
ears as he
wrenched open the basement door, battled a bugbear
that had taken
refuge in the family labyrinth, avoided several traps,
and finally
knocked down the door to Kodachi's lab.
"Dearest sister, what has compelled you to drive away
all of
our servants? Whilst the bonuses they demand upon
returning are a
pittance, nevertheless our fortunes cannot withstand
such excess too
often." The laugh stopped halfway through his speech,
and Kodachi
turned to regard Tatewaki steadily.
"I have no brother, young man. No doubt you are
confusing me
with someone else, for I am Naga the White Serpent,
and I have finally
discovered the secret of traveling the dimensions!
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO..." Tatewaki fled, leaving his
sister in the grips
of the foul demon.
****
The Sea of Chaos nodded in satisfaction. "That was
adequate,
Jusenkyou."
Jusenkyou continued to cackle madly. "You ain't seen
nothing
yet!"
****
Gosunkugi looked over Happosai, who was staked in the
middle of
a sacrificial circle, at the horde of martial artists
surrounding him.
"You cannot take me alive! In the name of my master, I
will open wide
the gateway that Akane has cracked. Look!" He pointed
with his curved
knife at what remained of the Tendou's kitchen. The
black ball of
energy that had engulfed much of the house swirled
with silver
lightning. Gosunkugi laughed madly. "We Will All Be
Destroyed!!!!!
Is there any way more glorious to die than at the
hands of a God?"
Suddenly, laughter echoed out over the back yard.
"OHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I, Nagachi the White Rose, have
not traveled the
dimensions and merged with this fine, intelligent
young woman simply to
be destroyed!" Everyone in the yard stopped and turned
to the woman
who'd just shown up. She was wearing a short, _short_
black-and-white
fuku, accessorized with the latest in spiked
shoulderpads and a violet
cape. Nagachi posed. "Prepare to die, worm."
Gosunkugi plunged the knife into Happosai's chest
just as he
croaked out "Cicada Shell Technique" and the woman
dressed in the fuku
shouted "FLOW BREAK!"
It would be wrong to say all hell broke loose,
because no
expert on the afterlife had ever said anything about
penguins debating
the virtues of giant flaming wombat conscripts and
plaigarism.
Everyone blinked. Twice. The sound of their blinks
drifted on
the air like pink smoke, obscuring the penguins. The
smoke faded away,
gradually revealing a thousand monkeys banging on
typewriters. One of
the monkeys stood up, ripped the sheet from his
typewriter, and started
reading aloud. "Two households, both alike in
dignity.... Aw hell, this
ain't right."
Thankfully, the monkeys faded away after that
impassioned
declaration, revealing... the backyard of the Tendou
dojo. Happosai
was standing up, Gosunkugi was gone, and everyone else
simply stood
there until Ryouga asked quietly, "What just
happened?"
****
The Sea of Chaos cackled in time with Her roommate.
"They'll
_never_ figure that one out! By Myself, I'm having
trouble keeping it
straight."
Jusenkyou stopped laughing long enough to say,
"That's because
_none_ of them did it. It was Us all along."
"Oh yeah."
The Two stood silently for a moment, then the Sea of
Chaos
asked, "What did You do with all the extra population?
Your tiny island
couldn't support all those people now."
Jusenkyou nodded. "You're right. I sent most of them
back to My
old place, but I kept enough of them and turned them
back right along
with the island that it shouldn't be a problem. I
wonder what My
mortals are going to think about being transported
back to medieval
times? With a few changes. The feudal system is so
boring. I wonder how
well the Diet would function in the Dark Ages?" He
chuckled nastily.
"Democracy is so fun."
"Okay, that should keep them occupied for a while.
And We can
enjoy Ourselves by watching them try to figure out
what just happened!"
"Until Lina Inverse shows up. Then the real fun will
begin!"
Jusenkyou had a sudden burst of memory. "Wait a
second. I've still got
one more thing..." He reached into His pocket, only to
find it empty.
"What the - they're gone!" He started scrabbling
around on the ground
as the Sea of Chaos watched, bemused.
"What are you looking for?"
"An object that could destroy everything We've put
together!"
The Sea of Chaos gaped for a moment, then asked, "You
mean like
the One Ring thing that what's-His-name let slip onto
His world?"
"Worse."
The Sea of Chaos smacked Her roommate again. "YOU
IDIOT! I
can't understand why Anyone would allow such dangerous
things! What's
the form this object takes?"
"My Keys."
"Your Keys?"
"Yes, My Keys. I added a bit of magic to them one
day, just so
they wouldn't get lost, but somehow the magic only
made My Keys
intelligent. Due to the nature of keys in general,
they started to
enjoy being lost for as long as they could get away
with. I added more
magic to them, hoping to offset this, but My Keys just
absorbed it and
got more powerful.
"It was like a game between Us. They'd get lost
somewhere in My
world, and I'd spend time looking for them. I added a
bit of magic to
them that prevented any mortals I've created using
them, because My
Keys, when used, can bend reality and travel
dimensions."
The Sea of Chaos stood silently for a moment, then
said softly,
"What You're saying is that if any of My mortals get
their hands on
Your Keys, they could walk the dimensions and bend
reality in their
favor? They'd become minor Gods?"
Jusenkyou shrugged. "That's about right."
The Sea of Chaos started scrabbling around Her world,
frantically
searching for Her roommate's Keys. "Then what are We
waiting for? We've
gotta find Your Keys!"
"If any of Your mortals have found them already, it's
too late."
Jusenkyou shook his head slowly. "If the Keys are
being carried by a
mortal, they can hide themselves in his aura easily."
****
Amelia Wil Tesla de Saillune skipped merrily down the
road,
looking for her friends. She'd been delayed by a royal
dinner she'd
told Lina it was just a reception, not wanting the
local duke eaten out
of house and holding. Last night she'd paid for her
horrible, horrible
lie with horrible, horrible nightmares, but today was
such a nice day
she quickly forgot about them. She was hoping to catch
up with Lina and
Gourry quickly, but with how fast they moved
sometimes...
Distracted by this worrying thought, she tripped over
something
in the road and slammed her forehead into a rock.
"Owie..." she whined
as she rubbed the already-forming bump. Her attention
was caught by the
bright shiny object that she'd tripped over, and she
reached back to
pick it up, forgetting her pain.
"A set of keys." She leapt to her feet and
powerposed, raising
one Fist of Justice to the sky! "I bet some poor
merchant has dropped
his keys, and no doubt is locked out of his house! I
shall go to the
nearest town and see if this misfortunate man lives
there!" She dropped
the keys into her pocket, then promptly forgot about
them. All
according to what the Keys wanted...
AUTHOR'S NOTES
I hope it was worth the wait. That's about all I can
say. Of
course, you only waited a week, so enjoy it anyway
dammit!
I present a challenge to my readers! (all three of
'em) Count
the puns inherent in the title Slayers NIBUNNOICHI!
Just thinking about
it gives me a headache. Win a free metaphysical
cookie, existential
chocolate chips included with no additional charges
for shipping and
handling!
Hmm, questions to answer. Can't think of any, maybe
you can?
Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"There are only two mantras: yum and
yuck. Mine is yum."
-Tom Robbins, _Still Life with Woodpecker_
__________________________________________________
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