#Okay, not sure if it went thorough the first time. If it did, sorry
about this.
This time I'm prepared to offer home made cookies for C&C...
#Are they chocolate chip? Or how about oatmeal raisin? I'd even go
for sugar cookies.
Disclaimer time:
Rumiko Takahashi, Shogagukan, Kitty and Viz Communications own
Ranma
1/2. Kosuke Fujishima, Dark Horse Comics and Studio Proteus own Oh!
My
Goddess (Ah! Megami-sama).
My deepest gratitude goes to my pre-readers, who helped me a lot:
Dave Menard, Gary Kleppe, Jeremy Fogelman, Paul Steele, Slyke,
Thomas
Hackwood
Corwin (ely7@inter.net.il or corwin@virtuallyjeannie.com)
http://lavender.fortunecity.com/friday/573/ranma.html
* Previous chapters can also be found at:
http://members.xoom.com/phu_lam/index.htm
http://home.earthlink.net/~tannim/rfics.html
#Ah, thanks to your pre-readers AND multiple places to find you and
the fic. Points for style.
#As is usual, all C&C is IMHO, only!
Wrath of Gods
Chapter 7
<SNIP>
Gods were supposed to be all-powerful and ageless. What a sham! All
this
just meant that the pain will remain for far longer than any living
being should have to endure in a single lifetime.
#Okay, "will remain" is off. It is future tense, and the rest of the
sentence is past tense. Suggest change to "would remain".
Attuned to her sisters' magical energies, a skill born from working
side
by side for countless centuries, Belldandy could feel them powering
up
for the inevitable encounter. Her heart ached as she felt a
discharge of
energy, and a third source of magical energy powering up; probably
in
retaliation.
And there wasn't a single thing she could do!
#So, she fell asleep, causing the director to swear loudly.
Her sisters thought well about her trap. Warding the house
extensively
has effectively turned it into a fancy prison for her, preventing
the
Norn of the Present from living the premises by normal means or
intricate teleportation spells. Removing anything even remotely
resembling a mirror, the only object they couldn't shield from
Belldandy, who had complete control over it, completed the
entrapment.
Even the bathroom mirrors have been relocated to somewhere outside
the
house.
#The mirror part is akward(sp?). I had to read it several time to get
it. I would suggest re-working the part about removing the mirrors.
You just need to state that they were all removed. Going into the
multiple sub-explanations makes it hard to read.
#And isn't Bell stronger than her sisters? What could they do that
she couldn't take care of?
'And what would you do, if you had the chance?' Belldandy bitterly
asked
herself, turning on her side.
#'Well, mad, passionate sex comes to mind.' Answered another part of
her mind. It was immediately clubbed back into submission.
(And with that, I've managed to include 'mad, pasionate sex' into
every piece of C&C I've done to date! I should be worried, I know.)
She has only been kidding herself, and the goddess knew it. There
was no
way she could ever take a stand for either side... not after the
last
time.
#Okay, some little suggestions to help the flow.
has been only--->was only
(tense change.)
the goddess--->she
(You don't need to restate that she's a goddess. It only interrupts
the flow.)
'But still!' a small part of Belldandy's mind argued, refusing to
give
up. 'I could've erected a barrier between them, and stopped the
battle
for long enough to...'
To what? Talk? There was nothing more to be said, all possible
words
having been exhausted centuries ago. She'd just be delaying the
inevitable...
#'We could have mad, passionate sex!' Suggested the same part of her
mind as ealier. It was clubbed back into submission. Beldandy
wondered why she was getting a head-ache.
Belldandy was about to get up and try calling her Father for help,
hoping for a miracle, when one presented itself. The goddess felt a
huge
among of magical energy emanated from the proximity of the previous
three readings. And unless she was mistaken, the new arrival was a
goddess... a _very_ powerful one, at that!
#Why didn't she try calling right off?
<SNIP>
"You are Belldandy, aren't you? Skuld and Urd's sister?" Keiichi
asked,
unable to control his curiosity.
#"You're Belldandy, right? Skuld and Urd's sister?"
(Keichii sounds too formal.)
<SNIP>
"We, on the other hand, have pantheons. Groups of gods who bicker
more
amongst themselves at times than against the demons. Without the
Yggdrasil Kami-sama designed himself to run Asgard and Midgard,
things
would look differently in the human world..."
"Are you saying that some gods are more dangerous to humanity than
demons?" Keiichi asked incredulously.
"Have you ever had the 'pleasure' of meeting Ares?" Belldandy asked
him
suddenly.
#Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it? What if some of the demons are
better people than the gods?
While the boy struggled for an answer, she continued, "Well, I
have.
He's responsible for the deaths of so many mortals that everyone's
lost
count of the body count several millennia ago. And then we also
have
Loki, Susano, Mars..." Turning to look at the now stunned Keiichi,
she
asked, "Need I go on?"
"But... But Ranma wants to destroy the world!" he tried to argue.
"All Ranma ever wanted was to make a certain goddess happy," the
Norn of
the Present replied sadly. "And she let him down."
Pausing for a few long moments, Belldandy stared at the floor in
thought.
"That goddess... once upon a time, several centuries ago... she
made a
mistake. A simple mistake anyone could've made in her place, but
that's
no excuse. And then... everything changed."
Taking a deep breath, Belldandy continued, "That unfortunate
goddess is
the one truly responsible for all the suffering that happened.
She's
destined to suffer, as others pay for her mistakes... forced to
watch
her loved ones fight... get injured... die..."
"That goddess... is you, isn't it?" Keiichi asked sympathetically.
#Wow, quick on the uptake, ain't he.
"I am going to pray," Belldandy said, ignoring his question. "May I
use
your phone?"
#"You use a phone to pray?" Keichii asked. <Must be a new interactive
service. Wonder if it's toll-free?>
<SNIP>
Urd's thoughts returning to her current discussion with Skuld, she
continued angrily, "What's the big idea of badmouthing a goddess of
her
caliber, and on her turf, no less?! She could be listening to us
right
now!"
#You changed tenses.
returning-->returned
#And you proably should put an 'and' after 'with Skuld, "
"So what? Let her listen for all she wants," the younger goddess
replied, smirking. "You know as well as I do that she can't do much
more
than that. Amaterasu can't directly intervene with us, unless
provoked..."
#You don't need the 'for' in Skuld's second sentence.
"...which is exactly what you're doing! Do you have a death wish?!"
Urd
shouted in exasperation.
#"Actually, I just like pain. And burns hurt! It makes me feel all
tingly just thinking about it!"
(Except for third degree burns, but that's because the nerves are
destroyed at that point.)
#Urd began to slowly edge away from her sister. <I knew letting her
hack into late-night cable was a bad idea.>
"Um, hi," Keiichi greeted the goddesses, causing them to turn
towards
him with looks promising pain.
#"goddesses, which caused them"
AND
"looks that promised pain."
(You changed tense.)
"What do you want?" Skuld asked him, frowning.
"I take it things didn't go well, right?" Keiichi asked, only to
cringe
as the force of Skuld's glare intensified tenfold. "Anyway, I just
wanted to ask you if either of you know where your sister is,
that's
all."
"Belldandy?!" both goddesses shouted, their previous troubles
forgotten.
"You mean you lost her?!" Skuld asked the boy, pointing a finger at
him
accusingly. "How could you lose a goddess?"
#"Well, I put her down somewhere, and when I turned around, she was
gone!"
"I didn't lose anything!" Keiichi replied in frustration. "She's
just...
not here at the moment."
"I bet she went to look for Ranma," Urd said, holding a hand
against her
forehead. "This is just what we need."
#Actually, I think she needs Excedrin more than she needs Bell
looking for Ranma. "Excedrin! The Divine Headache Medicine!"
"But I thought that after we'd invited her here yesterday and put
wards
all over the place, she couldn't leave the house on her own," Skuld
mused out loud. "Besides, we'd destroyed all the mirrors."
#Going back to my earlier question, what was stopping Bell from just
destroying the wards?
Turning towards Keiichi, she asked him, "When was the last time
you've
seen Belldandy?"
"Hey, I've only met your sister once! We talked a bit, and then she
asked to use the phone..." Keiichi answered, before realization hit
him.
The impact of Skuld's hammer was the precise moment of painful
realization that he had erred in letting Belldandy use the phone.
"How could you be so stupid to let her phone someone?!" the Norn of
the
Future screamed in anger.
"And how was I supposed to stop her?" Keiichi groaned from the
floor.
#"Besides, she said it was a collect call!"
<SNIP>
Crumpling the note, Urd grabbed the pocket mirror and threw it
against
the floor, shattering the glass.
"Dammit!"
#Somewhere in Asgard, a check mark was made on a piece of paper. A
voice called out. "Who's the closest for time?"
Another voice answered. "Toltiir."
"Figures."
<SNIP>
"The world is a dark place..." Skuld muttered after staring into
space
for a few minutes.
#Meanwhile, Ryoga's lawyers prepared to sue for infringement on their
client's property. Angst and depression were his exclusive rights,
after all.
Some time later, the goddess was lying on the bed, curled into a
fetal
position. A few tears made their way down her cheeks, but she
refused to
acknowledge them, her eyes closed, shutting off the rest world...
#"rest of the world..."
(Forgot 'of')
<SNIP>
"Cute Magical Girl Forbidden Attack - Saccharine Sweet Pink Sugar
Bubble-Gum Crisis Ice-Cream Crash!"
#AAAAAAHHHHH! MY EYES! MY BRAIN! MAKE IT GO AWAY! MAKE IT GO AWAY!
Need... insulin... NOW!
<snip>
Looking at her hands, Skuld shuddered and whispered, "Kami-sama...
I
feel so... violated. So dirty..."
#And that makes at least two of us. Probably more. I would imagine
several moniters have been destroyed as a preventive measure.
The goddess sniffed a few times, before burying her face in her
hands,
sobs racking her entire body.
--------------------------------------------------
"Maybe it would help if you talked about your problems to someone,"
Keiichi finally said, after recovering from the hammer strike and
seeing
the goddess in tears.
"I...," Skuld started saying, sniffing. "I think you're right...
But I
can't talk to Belldandy about this!"
Keiichi groaned inwardly, and tried again, hoping that his act of
kindness won't get him on the goddess' bad side... again.
#won't--->wouldn't
"Actually, I was talking about myself."
"You? What do you mean?" Skuld asked, looking at him puzzled.
"You can talk to me, baka!" Keiichi blurted out in frustration,
before
realizing what he'd said.
#Okay, someone has to say it. GRATUITOUS JAPANESE! AAAHHH!
Seriously, the rest of the sentence is in English, why do you need to
throw a 'baka' in?
"Maybe," Skuld mused over the suggestion, as Keiichi let out a
breath
he'd been holding. "And don't call me a baka!" she yelled a
split-second
later, hitting him over the head, while adding silently, "Whatever
'baka' is."
#Thank you, Skuld, for making that point. And in a most... energetic
way, too.
<SNIP>
Skuld raised her moist eyes to look at him.
"The battle went for several hours, with Ranma and his angel Akane
holding their own against everyone. Eventually, tired from all the
exertion, Urd made a mistake, and got blasted. She's only a second
class
goddess, you see, and despite her age isn't as strong as
Belldandy..."
#Again, my question about how they actually managed to hold Bell
comes in.
<SNIP>
Seeing that his cheering attempts have been unsuccessful so far,
Keiichi
decided to try and change the subject again.
#have--->had
(Wrong tense)
<SNIP>
"Yes!" Keiichi shouted in frustration. "How can a Japanese demon
play a
part in a Norse legend?!"
#He was really good in the rehearsal?
<SNIP>
"So, Skuld... If you and Urd get this Ranma somehow, what are you
going
to do to him?"
#"Well... Urd said something about whipped cream and cherries."
There was a long silence, before Skuld said quietly, "We'll make
sure he
stays dead this time."
#And take a crap-shoot on which god would die with him? Ouch, harsh.
Excusing himself, Keiichi left the room, lingering a bit longer
behind
the door after closing it, as muffled sobs made their way to his
ears.
'Damn, she's still upset. Maybe talking about her problems didn't
help
as much as it was supposed to,' the boy thought, before reasoning
with
himself, 'But how can you help someone when they plan a murder?'
#Give them a good alibi?
<SNIP>
'Keiichi might be a perverted idiot, but he's right!' Skuld
thought,
when she finally managed to gather herself ten minutes after his
departure. 'We got Ranma once, and we'll do it again! All I need is
an
edge, something that'd get him off guard... a hidden weakness...'
#<Hmmmmm.... I've got it!> "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
<SNIP>
'It's still pretty early, so I can't go to sleep in the meanwhile,'
she
thought, pinching the bridge of her nose. 'What to do with all the
free
time?'
A smile crept onto the goddess' face, as she remembered the good
times
she once had with her best friend, playing with Banpei-kun...
#At this point I could make a joke about 'playing with Banpei-kun'
and being alone. But I won't. You've all already made them in you
twisted little minds.
Banpei-kun! That was it! She'd build the robot again, and this time
it'd
be bigger, better and much cooler!
#It's getting harder not to make a joke. Especially after the
'bigger' comment.
Bursting with excitement, Skuld almost forgot about the lunch she
was
going to eat, when her stomach rumbled loudly. Blushing, she turned
around to make sure no one had heard it, before hurrying to the
kitchen.
After all, she'd waited for several centuries before rebuilding
Banpei-
kun; she could wait a few more minutes.
'And besides,' Skuld thought, 'maybe I could treat myself to
ice-cream
after lunch...'
--------------------------------------------------
Happily patting her stomach, the Norn of the Future slowly made her
way
back to her room, almost skipping like a schoolgirl on a way to her
first date. Keiichi had the most wonderful collection of ice-cream
in
his refrigerator... Skuld sighed contentedly at the memory. Maybe
he
wasn't so bad. How could he be, with such great taste?
#How does she know how he tastes? NO! I GAVE INTO TEMPTATION! (Please
excuse me. I need to slam my head against the wall repeatedly now.
Thnak you.)
Cutting the disturbing thought short before it could lead to
anything
else, Skuld decided that the Morisato boy was still a jerk,
regardless.
And that's the only way she had to think of him, or her big sister
would
make it her new project to get them together. Shuddering at the
thought
of Urd meddling in her love life - not that she was interested in
that
annoying boy one bit - Skuld's resolve to continue treating Keiichi
like
dirt in the future tightened like freshly made cement.
#Freshly made cement doesn't tighten. Freshly poured cement does,
though.
Okay, very nice fic. I like it a lot. Looking forward to future
chapters. (I need something to relieve the stress caused by the
drivers around here.)
Ja Ne!
Slacker
=====
"Remember, a fair fight only happens
because of poor planning on your part."
---Sailor Nemesis
I am...(Drumroll, please)...Slacker!
KSC, Knight of Discordia, Lord of Discord
Member of the Church of Ami & Makoto
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