% Here we go again. Looks like very little writing will be accomplished by
me today. :)
"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Two words: Write more!
% Two more would be 'write faster' :)
Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, let's see if can find something
to say in the way of actual C&C.
xxxxxxxxxxx
"In all of nature, there is one universal truth that applies to every
race in the animal kingdom: the female is always the deadlier of the
species."
--Solomon Paine
Interesting quote.
% Absolutely true too as near as I can tell, at least when regarding our
species. :)
Prologue
Still incapable of understanding the damage that can be inflicted with
words, more pour from others with a basic savagery that lacks true
malice. That comes later, when such speakers suffer from the words of
others themselves, and that which is termed 'empathy' is conceived,
understood, and eventually manipulated.
I like this bit. An interesting look at the minds of children.
% All of them are pretty much twisted little creatures. Not that I was ever
one, no. I was normal.
% Really.
Children lack such protection and must suffer fully each and every jab
and thrust, learning through such gauntlets how to protect themselves
from others, as well as mastering how to inflict that self-same pain
when the urge/desire/need forms and there is not enough urge/desire/need >
to prevent them from being used so that the cycle might be perpetuated
once again.
This paragraph is somewhat confusing. I got it, but.... I'm not really
sure
how to clarify things without losing the much of the impact. Perhaps
breaking
it up into two or three sentances would help.
% Will consider. at 'protect from others' might be the best place for it.
"I heard he dumped her, just like that. Right after he found out they
were gonna be married."
Ouch. Wonder what happens when she learns he never knew?
% That comes later.
Ah, the wonderful era of growing up that all are forced to enjoy/suffer >
through.
"Wonderful" he says. Heh.
% Yep. Though at times I remember questioning that myself. It seemed to be a
lot of both.
Insults from friends, acquaintances, enemies, strangers, all sounding
the same and blending into one. Ukyou was too young to decide which were >
worse: the cutting words from those that never liked her, or the ones
from those that were her friends.
"that were her friends" implies that they still are at this point. I think
you want "had been."
% Nah. My friends have said plenty of mean things to me at times. Likewise
me to them. If we all got rid of our friends when they're cruel, we wouldn't
have anyone around for very long.
"I bet he thought she was ugly."
An unending stream of slurs, battering and hammering without quarter
offered or given.
Did I mention that I _really_ like the imagery here?
% If not, you just did. Thanks.
"He probably didn't like her okonomiyaki."
ROTFL! Did you do that intentionally?
% Actually wasn't meant to be humorous. Just an attempt at how children can
come up for silly explanations for things. Also it's a grave insult to
Ukyou, who's trying to become a mistress of the okonomiyaki arts.
"I think he didn't like her."
Children are so blessed with an infinite capacity for talk.
"Blessed" You're really laying it on thick.
% I thought everyone always said children are 'blessed creatures' though. :)
"Liar! That's not true! I am a girl! A real girl! I'll show you! I'll be >
the prettiest and nicest and bestest girl there is! All of the other
girls will be jealous of me because I'll be a better girl than they are! >
And all of the boys will like me and not want to leave me! I'll make
them all like me! You'll be sorry you ever said those mean things about >
me!"
And poor Ukyo's life takes a decidedly different path.
% Yep. You'll have to wait and see if it's for better or worse.
Time does many things. Heals. Hurts. Scars. It means different things to >
different people as their meager existence passes during it. But the one >
thing it does to everyone equally is that it passes.
Again, an amazingly effective image.
% Thanks.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A yawn found itself escaping Ranma's lips. In response, the young man
began twirling a pencil around between his fingers and forced himself to >
at least try to listen to the droning voice of his homeroom teacher. It >
would not have been so difficult if the man could talk in anything other >
than a monotone that would have bored a fire into extinguishing itself.
Nice metaphor.
% And sadly, I know real people like this.
Looking over his shoulder, he noticed Akane steal a glance in his
direction, then look back towards the front of the class, her interest
obviously piqued. The pencil was placed back upon the desk as he
returned his attention to the front of the class.
I'm not sure what the point of this paragraph is. What, exactly, has
attracted Akane's interest?
% An oversight on my part. Fixed that since then and make reference to the
teacher doing something.
Ranma was surprised to see the teacher seem almost nervous as he looked >
to
the open door that led to the hallway, then nod his head towards
someone just out of sight from the position Ranma had in his seat.
Taking a deep breath of air, the teacher adjusted his tie and said in a >
loud, unusually authoritative voice, "Class, stand. I want to introduce > to
you a new transfer student."
All eyes in Homeroom 1-H of Furinkan High School followed the teacher's >
stare as they turned to the doorway leading from the hall to the room.
I believe their class is 1-F. Unless you're using H to indicate something?
% Nope. Bad memory on my part. Will change.
instead of merely walking across it. Her outfit was the standard uniform >
all of the girls at Furinkan wore, but her bearing as she approached the >
class made it appear that she was dressed in an elegant gown that molded >
to
her form perfectly. Her every movement cried out for attention,
though subtly, rather than overtly.
Nice description.
% Thanks again.
For her part, Akane found herself put on edge by the appearance of the
new girl. A bit of jealousy at how... feminine, she seemed, when
compared to Akane's own admittedly somewhat tomboyish demeanor, plagued >
her. It wasn't like Kasumi's own somewhat standard Japanese housewife
appearance, which Akane had never tried to imitate. This new person
radiated something different, and Akane reluctantly admitted some part
of her wished she was more feminine in the newcomer's manner.
Um...Akane did grow her hair in a deliberate attempt to mimic Kasumi.
% Only to win Tofu, not be like a housewife. Hence why she leaves it short
when she gives up on him.
Guilt followed on the heels of jealousy. Akane quickly squashed those
feelings of distrust and tried looking at the new girl with a more
positive attitude. She was new and probably needed friends. Just so long >
as she didn't try to cozy up to Ranma, like far too many other girls had >
already done.
If only she knew.... Things are certainly going to get interesting.
% Yep. But 'interesting' is what makes stories.:)
Of all the men in the room, only Ranma had remained impassive to the
girl's appearance. But all of that changed the instant her name passed
her lips. His head jerked up; a reaction that did not go unnoticed by
Akane.
Of course. Akane notices his reaction now, but didn't see his lack of one
before. Figures.
% Like most women, they don't care when you behave as you're 'supposed to.'
It's only when you go beyond those vague, unspoken parameters that they let
you know you stepped out of line. :)
A pencil in Akane's hand snapped in half as she absorbed every intent
stare Ranma was shooting the new girl. Of course he would react the same >
way every other guy in the room was; he was a stupid boy, after all.
Ranma could do whatever he wanted to that Ukyou girl, and Akane wouldn't >
care in the slightest.
Or so she tells herself.
% Yep.
girl. Again. He knew his reaction was highly improper, the girl was less >
than half his age, but he was still a man. "There is a seat next to Miss >
Tendou over there." He pointed towards the empty chair and desk. "Please >
be
seated and we'll begin class."
>From your earlier paragraphs, class began some time ago. Perhaps "resume"
would be better.
% Got it.
Through the sudden haze of anger that formed when Ranma was looking
slack-jawed at the newcomer, Akane would have sworn that, for the
briefest of moments, Ukyou's smile went from heartwarming to feral, but >
then it disappeared so quickly that the youngest Tendou daughter was
certain she had made a mistake. Besides, there were more important
things to worry about, like why Ranma was acting as much of a jerk as
every other guy in the room.
I thought she didn't care?
% She doesn't care in the same sense that she didn't care when Ranma became
Shampoo's 'airen'. And we all know how nonchalant she was about that. :)
All I have written out so far. Let me know what you think
I could, after Ukyo's greeting, imagine Ranma taking one more look at her
and
responding with something like, "Damn. And to think I had thought you were
a
boy." Perhaps not so articulate, but something along those lines.
% That will be dealt with early on, as you might have guessed.
This would, however, probably throw things off the track you have laid out.
A
similar comment could be addressed to Akane at some later point, followed by
the inevitable, "There may be hope for you yet."
% Nah. It won't be that easy for any of them.
As I said at the beginning, I really want to see more of this.
% Probably be at least a month until I can get to it. My schedule is very
full at the moment, and there's no telling what else life is going to send
my way.
% Thanks for the comments. They're apprecited.
D.B. Sommer