DB Sommer wrote:
Experimenting with my style again:
# This should be enjoyable then. Random snippage throughout. My
comments will be set off like this.
Prologue
"Whoa. Did you hear what happened to her?"
Words said unthinkingly, spontaneous in nature as they form from the cacophony of thoughts that make up the mind and emerge almost instantly from the mouth. When 'restraint' is a word that is difficult to pronounce, and certainly not understood, never will one know honesty in a truer form.
# And never will one have a better opportunity to learn that honesty
just isn't all that it's cracked up to be. By the way, you forgot
to wrap your lines.
"I can't believe she got dumped like that."
Still incapable of understanding the damage that can be inflicted with words, more pour from others with a basic savagery that lacks true malice. That comes later, when such speakers suffer from the words of others themselves, and that which is termed 'empathy' is conceived, understood, and eventually manipulated.
# I liked this, your wording here is evocative, even as we learn a
little more about the speakers.
"No one's ever going to want to marry her."
Children lack such protection and must suffer fully each and every jab and thrust, learning through such gauntlets how to protect themselves from others, as well as mastering how to inflict that self-same pain when the urge/desire/need forms and there is not enough urge/desire/need to prevent them from being used so that the cycle might be perpetuated once again.
# In the narrative style you're using, those 'word/word/word's are
almost blending into an...emotion, or continuum of emotion for
lack of a better term. It works fairly well for me at any rate.
"I heard he dumped her, just like that. Right after he found out they were gonna be married."
Ah, the wonderful era of growing up that all are forced to enjoy/suffer through.
# You have to love, or hate, those love/hate relationships :)
Children are so blessed with an infinite capacity for talk.
# Heh.
"You know, with the way she dresses and acts, I bet she's not even a real girl."
And when the degradation seems to twist into eternity, sometimes all that is left is to react. To accept and believe the words, and form the majority of one's life as a basis from them, or to-
# And here comes the kicker...
"Liar! That's not true! I am a girl! A real girl! I'll show you! I'll be the prettiest and nicest and bestest girl there is! All of the other girls will be jealous of me because I'll be a better girl than they are! And all of the boys will like me and not want to leave me! I'll make them all like me! You'll be sorry you ever said those mean things about me!"
# Very nice. I like her speech. Even without seeing the setting,
I could almost hear her indignation, her age, her determination;
this entire section was an interesting change from the norm. I
thought the increasingly cruel nature of the comments Ukyou was
being forced to endure, building up the pressure, was a nice
touch.
Basic defense and return attack unleashed, Ukyou turned and ran, the vow spoken etching itself forever into the first layer of armor that the girl was even now weaving to protect her from those tormenting words the others had used against her.
# Hmm, maybe "protect herself" instead?
"Just you wait and see, and I'll show all of you!
"I'll show everyone!"
Time does many things. Heals. Hurts. Scars. It means different things to different people as their meager existence passes during it. But the one thing it does to everyone equally is that it passes.
# Nice start, and a good segue into the next part. I basically
pictured this entire section as either just an infinite field of
darkness, or Ukyou, highlighted in that field, listening to the
comments as we watched and thought upon the human psyche.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A yawn found itself escaping Ranma's lips. In response, the young man began twirling a pencil around between his fingers and forced himself to at least try to listen to the droning voice of his homeroom teacher. It would not have been so difficult if the man could talk in anything other than a monotone that would have bored a fire into extinguishing itself. About the only time the teacher raised his voice was to send someone out into the hall; a situation Ranma had found himself experiencing all too many times in the past. He vowed if fate was going to have him holding a couple of buckets again, it was not going to be because he dozed off in class.
# "vowed that if" might sound better. I rather liked the comment
about the fire and the professor.
Looking over his shoulder, he noticed Akane steal a glance in his direction, then look back towards the front of the class, her interest obviously piqued. The pencil was placed back upon the desk as he returned his attention to the front of the class.
# When I first read this, it made me think that Ranma had somehow
piqued Akane's interest. I'm not sure if, or how, you could change
it to better reflect interest in the front of the class though.
Ranma was surprised to see the teacher seem almost nervous as he looked to the open door that led to the hallway, then nod his head towards someone just out of sight from the position Ranma had in his seat. Taking a deep breath of air, the teacher adjusted his tie and said in a loud, unusually authoritative voice, "Class, stand. I want to introduce to you a new transfer student."
# And despite the newly authoritative voice, the students ignored
him, much as they did every other teacher in the school.
All eyes in Homeroom 1-H of Furinkan High School followed the teacher's stare as they turned to the doorway leading from the hall to the room.
# Capitalizing "Homeroom" looks odd here, I suppose it could be
considered a proper noun, but you could probably get away with
leaving it lowercase.
The figure passed through the doorway and into the classroom itself, coming into view for all to see. She moved slowly, but with a graceful, fluid motion that suggested she were gliding across the tiled floor instead of merely walking across it. Her outfit was the standard uniform all of the girls at Furinkan wore, but her bearing as she approached the class made it appear that she was dressed in an elegant gown that molded to her form perfectly. Her every movement cried out for attention, though subtly, rather than overtly.
# How exactly do you go about crying out subtly? You might want
to rephrase this a little, maybe "Her every movement demanded
attention, though subtly"
A soft smile, without the slightest hint of forcefulness or strain, was etched on her features. It was warm and caring, and served to put many of the students in the room at ease. Her features were attractive, very much so, with just the right amount of make-up applied to just the right places to make her seem beautiful without being unattainable. Even through her school uniform, it was obvious her body was appealing, while being neither voluptuous nor plain. Her allure was almost palpable, emanating from a combination of her physical features, posture, and the warm smile she carried into the room.
# I would think appealing would rule out plain, maybe use a word
opposite of voluptuous? Thin for instance.
As her half-lidded gaze poured over the students, every male in the room became convinced that for one, brief moment, he was the complete center of attention this newcomer had to offer. Nearly every man in the room found his heart beat just a little faster, and basic, primal urges called out to prove themselves worthy of this new girl's attention.
# Ukyou seems to have done her job of becoming the "bestest girl"
quite
well.
It wasn't like Kasumi's own somewhat standard Japanese housewife appearance, which Akane had never tried to imitate.
# Except for the hair. And the cooking.
Guilt followed on the heels of jealousy. Akane quickly squashed those feelings of distrust and tried looking at the new girl with a more positive attitude. She was new and probably needed friends. Just so long as she didn't try to cozy up to Ranma, like far too many other girls had already done.
# So much for the friends thing :)
Time seemed to stretch into an eternity as the girl finally bowed with a grace that made nearly every man in the room want to stand and bow back, though all remained in their seats.
# Or at least inch up out of their seats and try and get a better
viewpoint ;)
"It can't be," Ranma murmured under his breath. Memories conflicted with one another at what was supposedly 'known' and the obvious evidence before his eyes. Familiarity hammered at his memory as he carefully looked the newcomer over, trying to reconcile the image of a boy from his youth with the obvious symbol of femininity before him. Perhaps it was nothing more than a coincidence; it was the only explanation that made sense.
# The second sentence seems a bit awkward, I had to read it a
couple times to get it to flow right.
A pencil in Akane's hand snapped in half as she absorbed every intent stare Ranma was shooting the new girl. Of course he would react the same way every other guy in the room was; he was a stupid boy, after all. Ranma could do whatever he wanted to that Ukyou girl, and Akane wouldn't care in the slightest.
The halves snapped into quarters.
# Heh, of course he could, just like when Shampoo showed up the
first time.
"It's been a long time, Ranchan. Surprised to see me?"
Ranma's jaw dropped low enough to almost hit his desk. He paled slightly as he mouthed barely audibly, "Ucchan?"
# "barely audibly" might sound better as "a barely audible"
Through the sudden haze of anger that formed when Ranma was looking slack-jawed at the newcomer, Akane would have sworn that, for the briefest of moments, Ukyou's smile went from heartwarming to feral, but then it disappeared so quickly that the youngest Tendou daughter was certain she had made a mistake. Besides, there were more important things to worry about, like why Ranma was acting as much of a jerk as every other guy in the room.
# "acting as much of a jerk" might sound better as "acting as
much like a jerk" or "acting as much a/the jerk"
And for Ukyou, who felt her heart skip a beat at Ranma's obvious attention towards her, she knew that things were about to come full circle at last.
She wondered to whose soul Heaven should have mercy.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
All I have written out so far. Let me know what you think
# I liked it, it looks promising from what you have so far. Are
you going to keep the narrative style you used in the beginning
of the prologue there, or are you going to use it elsewhere in
the story as well? It could be interesting to see the
occasional flashback of Ukyou's childhood in that style, and
some of her progress in building that armor.
Anyway, as usual, a good story, I'll look forward to the first
chapter.
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