"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Two words: Write more!
Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, let's see if can find something
to say in the way of actual C&C.
Standard Disclaimer:
I disclaim I own any of the Ranma characters. They belong to Takahashi
and whomever she sold the rights to
All of my stuff is now stored at:
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html
And here we go:
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"In all of nature, there is one universal truth that applies to every
race in the animal kingdom: the female is always the deadlier of the
species."
--Solomon Paine
Interesting quote.
Prologue
"Whoa. Did you hear what happened to her?"
Words said unthinkingly, spontaneous in nature as they form from the
cacophony of thoughts that make up the mind and emerge almost instantly >
from the mouth. When 'restraint' is a word that is difficult to
pronounce, and certainly not understood, never will one know honesty in > a
truer form.
"I can't believe she got dumped like that."
Still incapable of understanding the damage that can be inflicted with
words, more pour from others with a basic savagery that lacks true
malice. That comes later, when such speakers suffer from the words of
others themselves, and that which is termed 'empathy' is conceived,
understood, and eventually manipulated.
I like this bit. An interesting look at the minds of children.
"I'm not surprised. I wouldn't wanna marry her."
But not now. Not yet.
"Some guy ran off with her dowry."
Adults have the benefit of experience, learning from past pains and
forging armor to protect themselves from those insults whose wicked
barbs dig deeper and reach into places that no physical weapon could
ever touch. Though no matter how strong and mighty the armor is, it can >
always be destroyed by a single word employed in just the right place at >
just the right time. Flawed creatures are incapable of creating perfect >
things.
"No one's ever going to want to marry her."
Children lack such protection and must suffer fully each and every jab
and thrust, learning through such gauntlets how to protect themselves
from others, as well as mastering how to inflict that self-same pain
when the urge/desire/need forms and there is not enough urge/desire/need >
to prevent them from being used so that the cycle might be perpetuated
once again.
This paragraph is somewhat confusing. I got it, but.... I'm not really sure
how to clarify things without losing the much of the impact. Perhaps breaking
it up into two or three sentances would help.
"I heard he dumped her, just like that. Right after he found out they
were gonna be married."
Ouch. Wonder what happens when she learns he never knew?
Ah, the wonderful era of growing up that all are forced to enjoy/suffer >
through.
"Wonderful" he says. Heh.
"Why would he want to take her with him? She's not pretty."
Welcome to a moment in the childhood of Ukyou Kuonji.
"I wouldn't want to marry her either."
Insults from friends, acquaintances, enemies, strangers, all sounding
the same and blending into one. Ukyou was too young to decide which were >
worse: the cutting words from those that never liked her, or the ones
from those that were her friends.
"that were her friends" implies that they still are at this point. I think
you want "had been."
"I bet he thought she was ugly."
An unending stream of slurs, battering and hammering without quarter
offered or given.
Did I mention that I _really_ like the imagery here?
"He probably didn't like her okonomiyaki."
ROTFL! Did you do that intentionally?
Over and over again and again, words expressed in a variety of different >
ways but with identical meanings.
"I think he didn't like her."
Children are so blessed with an infinite capacity for talk.
"Blessed" You're really laying it on thick.
"You know, with the way she dresses and acts, I bet she's not even a
real girl."
And when the degradation seems to twist into eternity, sometimes all
that is left is to react. To accept and believe the words, and form the >
majority of one's life as a basis from them, or to-
"Liar! That's not true! I am a girl! A real girl! I'll show you! I'll be >
the prettiest and nicest and bestest girl there is! All of the other
girls will be jealous of me because I'll be a better girl than they are! >
And all of the boys will like me and not want to leave me! I'll make
them all like me! You'll be sorry you ever said those mean things about >
me!"
And poor Ukyo's life takes a decidedly different path.
Basic defense and return attack unleashed, Ukyou turned and ran, the vow >
spoken etching itself forever into the first layer of armor that the
girl was even now weaving to protect her from those tormenting words the >
others had used against her.
"Just you wait and see, and I'll show all of you!
"I'll show everyone!"
Time does many things. Heals. Hurts. Scars. It means different things to >
different people as their meager existence passes during it. But the one >
thing it does to everyone equally is that it passes.
Again, an amazingly effective image.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A yawn found itself escaping Ranma's lips. In response, the young man
began twirling a pencil around between his fingers and forced himself to >
at least try to listen to the droning voice of his homeroom teacher. It >
would not have been so difficult if the man could talk in anything other >
than a monotone that would have bored a fire into extinguishing itself.
Nice metaphor.
About the only time the teacher raised his voice was to send someone out >
into the hall; a situation Ranma had found himself experiencing all too > many
times in the past. He vowed if fate was going to have him holding a > couple
of buckets again, it was not going to be because he dozed off in > class.
Looking over his shoulder, he noticed Akane steal a glance in his
direction, then look back towards the front of the class, her interest
obviously piqued. The pencil was placed back upon the desk as he
returned his attention to the front of the class.
I'm not sure what the point of this paragraph is. What, exactly, has
attracted Akane's interest?
Ranma was surprised to see the teacher seem almost nervous as he looked > to
the open door that led to the hallway, then nod his head towards
someone just out of sight from the position Ranma had in his seat.
Taking a deep breath of air, the teacher adjusted his tie and said in a >
loud, unusually authoritative voice, "Class, stand. I want to introduce > to
you a new transfer student."
All eyes in Homeroom 1-H of Furinkan High School followed the teacher's >
stare as they turned to the doorway leading from the hall to the room.
I believe their class is 1-F. Unless you're using H to indicate something?
The figure passed through the doorway and into the classroom itself,
coming into view for all to see. She moved slowly, but with a graceful, >
fluid motion that suggested she were gliding across the tiled floor
instead of merely walking across it. Her outfit was the standard uniform >
all of the girls at Furinkan wore, but her bearing as she approached the >
class made it appear that she was dressed in an elegant gown that molded > to
her form perfectly. Her every movement cried out for attention,
though subtly, rather than overtly.
Nice description.
A soft smile, without the slightest hint of forcefulness or strain, was >
etched on her features. It was warm and caring, and served to put many
of the students in the room at ease. Her features were attractive, very >
much so, with just the right amount of make-up applied to just the right >
places to make her seem beautiful without being unattainable. Even
through her school uniform, it was obvious her body was appealing, while >
being neither voluptuous nor plain. Her allure was almost palpable,
emanating from a combination of her physical features, posture, and the >
warm smile she carried into the room.
As her half-lidded gaze poured over the students, every male in the room >
became convinced that for one, brief moment, he was the complete center > of
attention this newcomer had to offer. Nearly every man in the room
found his heart beat just a little faster, and basic, primal urges
called out to prove themselves worthy of this new girl's attention.
For most of the girls, the response was to shoot the newcomer glares
either of hostility, both warded and open, or looks of awe. Instincts
cried out that this new student was someone to either be feared or
emulated, and each female reacted accordingly to her own instincts. The >
newcomer's own gaze was that of open innocence, as though evaluating
each person with an open mind.
For her part, Akane found herself put on edge by the appearance of the
new girl. A bit of jealousy at how... feminine, she seemed, when
compared to Akane's own admittedly somewhat tomboyish demeanor, plagued >
her. It wasn't like Kasumi's own somewhat standard Japanese housewife
appearance, which Akane had never tried to imitate. This new person
radiated something different, and Akane reluctantly admitted some part
of her wished she was more feminine in the newcomer's manner.
Um...Akane did grow her hair in a deliberate attempt to mimic Kasumi.
Guilt followed on the heels of jealousy. Akane quickly squashed those
feelings of distrust and tried looking at the new girl with a more
positive attitude. She was new and probably needed friends. Just so long >
as she didn't try to cozy up to Ranma, like far too many other girls had >
already done.
If only she knew.... Things are certainly going to get interesting.
Time seemed to stretch into an eternity as the girl finally bowed with a >
grace that made nearly every man in the room want to stand and bow back, >
though all remained in their seats.
At last she spoke. "Greetings. My name is Ukyou Kuonji. It's a pleasure > to
meet you all."
Of all the men in the room, only Ranma had remained impassive to the
girl's appearance. But all of that changed the instant her name passed
her lips. His head jerked up; a reaction that did not go unnoticed by
Akane.
Of course. Akane notices his reaction now, but didn't see his lack of one
before. Figures.
"It can't be," Ranma murmured under his breath. Memories conflicted with >
one another at what was supposedly 'known' and the obvious evidence
before his eyes. Familiarity hammered at his memory as he carefully
looked the newcomer over, trying to reconcile the image of a boy from
his youth with the obvious symbol of femininity before him. Perhaps it
was nothing more than a coincidence; it was the only explanation that
made sense.
A pencil in Akane's hand snapped in half as she absorbed every intent
stare Ranma was shooting the new girl. Of course he would react the same >
way every other guy in the room was; he was a stupid boy, after all.
Ranma could do whatever he wanted to that Ukyou girl, and Akane wouldn't >
care in the slightest.
Or so she tells herself.
The halves snapped into quarters.
The teacher closed his mouth as he realized he was staring at the new
girl. Again. He knew his reaction was highly improper, the girl was less >
than half his age, but he was still a man. "There is a seat next to Miss >
Tendou over there." He pointed towards the empty chair and desk. "Please > be
seated and we'll begin class."
From your earlier paragraphs, class began some time ago. Perhaps "resume"
would be better.
Still moving with a casual, yet captivating, gait, Ukyou made her way
towards the seat the teacher had indicated. She flashed a wider smile
towards each of the boys she passed, riveting their attention to her
even after she had moved her smile on to another. It was not until she
came to Ranma's desk, nearly across for her own, that she paused and
gave her most winning smile yet.
"It's been a long time, Ranchan. Surprised to see me?"
Ranma's jaw dropped low enough to almost hit his desk. He paled slightly >
as he mouthed barely audibly, "Ucchan?"
Through the sudden haze of anger that formed when Ranma was looking
slack-jawed at the newcomer, Akane would have sworn that, for the
briefest of moments, Ukyou's smile went from heartwarming to feral, but >
then it disappeared so quickly that the youngest Tendou daughter was
certain she had made a mistake. Besides, there were more important
things to worry about, like why Ranma was acting as much of a jerk as
every other guy in the room.
I thought she didn't care?
And for Ukyou, who felt her heart skip a beat at Ranma's obvious
attention towards her, she knew that things were about to come full
circle at last.
She wondered to whose soul Heaven should have mercy.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
All I have written out so far. Let me know what you think
I could, after Ukyo's greeting, imagine Ranma taking one more look at her and
responding with something like, "Damn. And to think I had thought you were a
boy." Perhaps not so articulate, but something along those lines.
This would, however, probably throw things off the track you have laid out. A
similar comment could be addressed to Akane at some later point, followed by
the inevitable, "There may be hope for you yet."
As I said at the beginning, I really want to see more of this.
Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
Junior Member of the Inner Circle of the Mage's Council
"Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science _do_ mix."
"Of _course_ I cheated. Scientists think magic is cheating, and mages think
most forms of technology are cheating. I use both."
http://nav.to/defender
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