Gentles,
OK, here�s the third installment of Weird Guy. Thanks to the people who have
written and posted about the series. I wonder what you guys will think of
this chapter, which launches a major part of the plotline.
I have about 13-14 episodes backlogged before I have to write anything new.
The comments I get will be really helpful, evenm if they don�t change the
storyline right away.
Thanks, everybody!
Weird Guy
Episode Three: "The Party of the First Part"
By Michael Hopcroft
Arthur Random had been working at home for a little while, and already he
hated it. He had been set up at home because his boss thought he was too
"strange" for the office. Arthur didn't see what his problem was; he had
managed to time his commutes around the buses that die on him every day,
only wore two ties to work, and had made a genuine effort to be nice and
professional. "If you didn't want me around," he thought he should have
asked, "why don't you fire me?". Of course, his boss would have said "You
know, you're right, Arthur. I guess I really should fire you. OK, you're
fired! Happy?". So Arthur had not argued at the time.
But now the computer was set up, along with a new phone, printer, fax
machine and cables, cables, cables. It was an awkward-looking mess of an
office. To make things worse, it was in Hugo's room, and the piggy was now
sleeping in rooms he chose at random. Frequently it was the laundry chute.
Sleeping in a chute was a really neat trick, but then Hugo the Exploding Pig
was always full of surprises.
When Arthur heard the phone ring in the office, he didn't know if he really
wanted to pick it up - if his boss has found new things to complain about,
he didn't want to know. But then a familiar voice cheerily said "I'll get
it, Arthur! It might be for me!". At the moment that sound was heard Arthur
picked up the phone. At that very moment the answering machine message
clicked on, and Arthur got to hear it for the first time.
"Hi!" said the message in a familiar, squealing tone. "You have reached Hugo
the Exploding Pig! Please leave your name and number! Oh, and if you have a
message for Arthur Random, he'll eventually get it if you leave it here."
Arthur screamed into the phone. "WAIT! Whoever you are, please don't hang
up!"
"Oh, Arthur. This is Miles. Cute message! But not very professional . . . "
"I have a very unprofessional little problem on my hands. So, how are things
in the real office?"
"As usual. The boss is insisting on no-nonsense hard-nosed business
grabbing. He keeps saying "Grab those customers by the . . . "
"Don't finish that sentence!" cried Arthur. "He might hear you."
"No way. I'm in the coffeehouse across the street."
"You know he has spies everywhere . . . " Arthur added.
"Of course I know that, Arthur. He's paranoia personified. Is that why he
sent you to work at home?"
"No clue, Miles."
"Miss him?"
"Haven't even tried. No gun. So why did you call?"
Arthur could hear Miles clearing his throat. Miles continued clearing his
throat for quite a long time. When he finally heard Miles say "GWOKAY! Here
goes" it was with great relief.
"Arthur, we're having a party in the Grandview tonight and I want you to
come."
"I don't know . . . "
"There will be a lot of women there, Arthur. You do like women pickled,
don't you?"
"Pickled . . . "
"Splendid! Grandview at 7:30. See you!" The phone clicked and Arthur hung
up. The answering machine was still merrily spooling along recording an
endless stream of dial tone.
Arthur was not prepared for a party. In fact, it had been a while since he'd
attended one. And it sounded like Miles was going to try to "set him up"
again. This was Not Good.
Hugo peeked into the office. "Oh darn, I missed it! Was it for me?"
"No, it wasn't for you. And what have you been doing with the answering
machine? I'm almost afraid to ask."
"Well," Hugo said shuffling his hooves, "I don't want to miss anybody's
calls."
"Hugo, you don't get calls. Nobody knows you live here. Heck, as far as I
can tell I'm the only one who knows you even exist. You're not getting
calls!"
Huge tears welled up in Hugo's eyes. "I'm lonely!" he squealed.
Arthur once again felt sympathy for the little pig. "Yeah, I'm lonely too.
I'm even more alone than you are. You're the only exploding pig in the
world, but I'm just a faceless number in the grinding masses of human
society."
"Going to the party, then?" Hugo asked.
"Yes, I . . . WHAT?!? Hugo, were you listening in?"
Hugo wept openly. "I'm sorry, Arthur. I just can't help it. They set up the
answering machine to a speaker in the laundry chute. It's not my fault.
WAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"There, there, Hugo. It's OK. And I am going to the party. But you're
staying home. They don't allow farm animals in the Grandview."
"Don't worry, Arthur. I'll be OK by myself. I'm an adult pig, you know."
The next six hours were spent in preparation for the party, with a break for
Hugo's daily detonation. Nobody was even asking him about the explosions
anymore, and Arthur couldn't understand why. At about five Arthur went to
his own room to dress. This was something he was not used to doing, because
there is a difference between "dressing for success" and "dressing not to
offend.� Maybe there would be a woman that Arthur would actually find
interesting.
"A woman who could hold my attention, wouldn't run away screaming, wouldn't
be weirded out by an exploding pig; that's from a fantasy world!"
"And exploding pigs aren't?" Arthur looked down from his musings to see Hugo
holding out his pudgy little hands.
Hugo smiled. "Tonight, Arthur, you wear one tie. One tie."
"I can't keep giving my ties to you, Hugo. You know they can't survive the
day."
"I won't go off again until 3:22 tomorrow afternoon, unless you really annoy
me . . . "
"Hugo! How could you?"
"Of course I couldn't, Arthur. I like you too much. Now get into the nice
cab and go to your party while little old Hugo watches CNN."
So he took a cab to the Grandview. As soon as he had paid the driver and
stepped outside, all four of the tires burst. The driver used language that
even HBO wouldn't like as Arthur casually strode into the hotel. Arthur
wondered if everything would be all right. After all, he had ignored Hugo's
advice and worn both ties. It was just more comfortable that way.
The bellman escorted him to the suite where the party was being held, but he
was a bit inquisitive. "What do you expect to do at the party?"
"Stand around bored while all my friends drown in alcohol and make complete
fools of themselves."
"Really? That sounds cool! Can't wait until I get to do it!"
As he walked into the room, he was assaulted by a wall of cheerful,
meaningless chatter. All the people from the office were there, and they
were gabbing nonstop. Every so often someone would grab his hand, shake it
weakly, and go on and on and on about things at work and things at home; at
least, that was what Arthur thought they were talking about. But everybody
talked so fast that the words seemed to meld. He finally made it to a
corner, where to his relief he was pretty much left alone.
The work-a-day world was full of things like this. Office gossip,
meaningless little flings of passion, and everybody putting on a mask to
wear. Nobody wanted to be what they were.
A woman walked up to him in the corner. "You're not wearing a mask." she
said.
Arthur took a look at this woman. Long black hair, a fairly full figure in a
very small dress, a face that . . .
No, Arthur. Don�t think about it.
"Hello, and I'm not wearing a mask. Should I be?"
"My name is Janet Wu. And you've aroused my curiosity." Something had
definitely become aroused in Arthur, and it wasn't his curiosity. "Tell me,�
she continued, �why does a man go to a party and not talk to anybody?"
Arthur puzzled over that for a moment. "I just don't have anything to say to
them, that's all. By the way, my name is Arthur Random."
"Oh yes, that's right. The one the others call Weird Guy."
"You mean you aren't from this firm?"
"No, I'm from another firm. My decorating company does business with your
agency. My card." And as he took her business card, which had her photo on
it, Arthur remembered who she was. She came to his firm a while back to
straighten out her books. Everybody in the office had been talking about
her, using lots of words that start with S and end with Y. And she wanted to
talk to him?
Arthur couldn't figure out what to do. Was this Miles' doing? Was this their
idea of a cruel joke? "So," he said finally, "Do you know Miles Lansing?"
Janet scowled, slapped him across the face, and stormed away. She then
walked up to Miles and inflicted even more serious damage on him. It isn't a
joke, Arthur realized. But when I let her think it was, she got mad.
And as he watched her leave the party in such a fury, he realized that he
had blown a golden opportunity, that he may be every bit the loser he
thought he was, and that suddenly his life was a lot more complicated.