---
"Ah! My Hentai!"
Episode 1: The Coming of the Goddess, If You Know What I Mean
A lemon by Twoflower based on characters by Fujishima Kosuke
(18 and over only, please: very absurd adult material within
in full defiance of plausibility and common sense.)
http://www.pixelscapes.com/ahmyhentai
---
Author's Foreword:
Yeah, you heard me.
LEMON.
The final step to entering the hallowed halls of immortal fanfic
authordom is to craft a story intended for naughty people with evil little
thoughts. I've been wanting to do one for awhile now, but didn't have any
ideas that didn't feel awkward or unworkable. A Slayers idea got some
headway before folding under the weight of its own series (which had el zippo
erotic overtones other than mild fanservice). I needed something that would
WORK. Something crazy and ecchi and wild and fun.
When you think of mindless loopy hardcore sex, of COURSE the first thing
to come to mind is Aa! Megami-sama. Assuming you have my kind of brain. If
you do... I fear for you. Seriously.
If you're looking for an honest and realistic portrayal of modern
relationships, maybe you should find some WAFFy Ranma/Akane story. Also, if
you read this expecting accurate canon characterization and such, I reserve
the right to mock you openly. Call it an elseworlds; I have plans for how
each character is different in this remix. If Pioneer can get away with
screwing up Tenchi every season, I can play 23-Skiddoo on the AMS universe.
Waiwai!
For those of you seeking non-hentai work of mine, hit
http://pixelscapes.com/slayers for lots of phun Slayers hijinks I'm very
proud of. Hope you like it, and feedback other than 'Jesus will get you' or
'Write more Slayers before I shoot this puppy' is more than welcome! And if
this is not your cup of tea, don't blame me for your voluntarily swallowing
of the arsenic... but give it a chance. 'Lemon' != 'Crap' by default. (Too
many otaku dump on lemons and turn their noses up at them in some Charles
Winchesterian snit-fit as if such things are beneath them, thus missing out
on some fun reading...)
As with all my stuff, it will be web-archived complete with works in
progress for your prereading fun. Fanart of any kind is also accepted
because I'm a lonely man in a desolate hole who needs the false flame of hope
to light the empty husk of his existence and he also likes web counter hits
very much from pr0n dweebs.
P.S. - Yes, I wrote Okonomiyaki Orgy. What, the Newton wasn't a tipoff?
P.S.2 - In an effort to bridge the gap between newbies and veterans and
lend a 'helping hand' to my fellow man, Japanese words in this fanfic will be
translated with stared (*) footnotes for the Otaku Impaired.
---
---
Ninety seven.
Ninety eight.
Ninety nine...
"One hundred!" he announced, finishing his strokes with a relieved
sigh... and setting down the comb. He patted his freshly combed hair, which
was teased upward to absolute perfection. Tonight was to be a most excellent
night indeed.
Leather jacket, check. Super cool shades, check. Single earring on the
side of his head that stated he was not gay, check. 'Eau d'Bravo' cologne
for men who like to score, check. There was only one item remaining on the
task list before tonight's amusements could begin.
The scrawny/scruffy underclassman walked into his room, trying to fit on
a jacket that went out of style with New Kids on the Block. "Ootaki-
sempai(*), I don't think I have any... what did you call it?"
* a sort of shoe that
is strapped around
the ankle w/duct tape
"Fresh gear. Waka wear. Fly threads," Ootaki iterated, giving the
young boy a looksee. "And no, you don't. But that's okay. You're not
coming with us, Morisato."
"Ehhh?" Keiichi Morisato gasped. "Why not? I thought--"
"See, it's like this, kohai(*). You know those parts we ordered
overnight delivery for the new racing cycle? The shipping guys called up and
said they'd be a little late, and to leave the light on for 'em so to speak.
So we need you here to sign off on the delivery so they're ready in time for
tomorrow. That means no, you won't be going to the club with us. Sorry,
kid."
* a type of fish, usually
grilled with creamy
butter sauce
"But... but that's the third time I haven't been able to go!" Keiichi
complained. "Last time it was because the garage needed cleaning, and before
then I had to do your physics homework!"
"Heyyy, don't let it get you down. You're not missing anything," Ootaki
said, stroking his hair a few more times for extra height. "You don't seem
to fit the club scene, anyway. It's all drinking and dancing and loose
chicks and loud music. Last time I took you out you stuck to the wallpaper
like... like..."
"A fly?"
"Like wallpaper," Ootaki completed. "So hey, no big deal. Besides,
you've got the rest of your college life ahead of you to, you know, get funky
and get down with your bad self. One night off won't hurt. Not that you'd
succeed if you tried."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Ootaki went like this: "Hrm." He scratched his chin, trying to think of
how best to state it. "Keiichi... well... okay, to put it bluntly... erm...
you're a wuss."
"A wuss?!"
"You can't talk to girls to save your life, you've probably never been
kissed, and you turn redder than Tamiya's cherry red '57 Chevy whenever the
subject of sex comes up. I mean, how are you going to walk up to some chick
and say 'Hey baby, wanna be my love slave?' when your throat locks tighter
than a wing nut? So really, you can see taking you anywhere would be a waste
of time and it'd be in the motorcycle club's best interests to have you wait
here for the parts. No no, no need to thank me. That's the spirit, Keiichi!
Loyalty and dedication for the Club's burning pride! Gotta roll. Later."
The dashing senior engineering major gave a little salute, and closed
the door.
"H-Hey, I am NOT A WUSS!" Keiichi shouted at the door... realizing it
was too late. His fabulous evening plans were now shot.
Not that he had any real plans.
Or any real desire to go. It just never worked out... his sempai would
always end up with hot dates and laughter and drinks and dancing and
conversation and Keiichi would just smile and nod along. It just wasn't his
scene. Ootaki was absolutely right.
The problem was that Keiichi was a true hopeless romantic.
Emphasis on hopeless.
He liked long walks on the beach. Holding hands. Those little heart-
shaped boxes of various chocolates. Walking together under an umbrella, just
an ordinary loving couple, looking into each other's eyes and...
...and if he couldn't even TALK to a girl all that stuff would be
staying on the Lifetime channel. High expectations plus weak will did not
equal eternal happiness; the dream was just as unattainable as some guys who
wanted nothing but 'chicks with big hooters'. It was just an unattainable
dream which ran in the opposite direction.
Keiichi groaned, and slumped down to sit behind the traditional little
tables covered in quilts with space heaters beneath them that were popular in
Japan despite being fire hazards. It was for the best that he didn't go with
them... even if he wanted to, he just couldn't get his act together. He
should just sit here, wait for the parts, and be content.
Contentment lasted for three minutes, before his stomach growled.
The LEAST Ootaki could've done was loan him some money. They were going
to grab a bite to eat before hitting the club, and now Keiichi was high and
dry... sure, the empty pizza boxes and ramen(*) cups littered around the dorm
room were high in fiber but low on taste. Being a typical guy's college
hangout, any surface not covered in empty food containers was covered in
empty beer cans and failing that, used underwear. Maybe there was food
buried somewhere under the boxer shorts and briefs and things, but Keiichi
was positive it wouldn't be very appealing at this point.
* a variant of
Tungsten
Since real college guys wouldn't know a food processor from a weed
whacker, the only solution was to order out. Keiichi fumbled in his pockets
for one of the many prepaid phone cards his parents had sent him to school
with, and took the receiver off its cradle. Punching in a sequence of
Sprint-approved numbers that took him three full minutes to enter, he was all
set to give 'Hutto no Pizza' his order.
"Moshi moshi?(*) I'd like one small pepperoni with extra cheese,"
Keiichi said, pulling a wad of crumpled up bills from his pocket. "And...
since I've got a little extra, put in a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
* lit. 'Your mother
is a lap dancer'
'Hello, this is the Goddess Relief office,' a pleasant female voice
spoke on the other end of the line. 'A representative will be with you
shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy this music. This has not been a
recording.'
The Girl From Ipanema burbled out of his phone.
"Ah, excuse me?" Keiichi asked, getting up to shake some feeling into
his foot (which had gone to sleep). Hopping on one leg, he passed the mirror
Ootaki was styling his hair in. "What office? Um. I'd like a pepperoni and
WAAAGH!!"
The face staring back at him in the mirror had on makeup and a nice
smile. Keiichi was reasonably sure he hadn't applied blush and lipstick
today.
He dropped the phone, falling flat on his ass as the vision of
loveliness in flowing colored robes floated out of the mirror. The silvery
surface rippled, like a pebble tossed into a pond or the flow of simulated
metallic liquid in a Cyberdyne Systems T-1000.
The woman ignored gravity's irresistible pull since falling out of the
air wouldn't be graceful, and landed neatly to kneel in front of Keiichi and
bow formally.
"Hello," she introduced. "My name is Belldandy, and I'm from the
Goddess Relief Office. I'm here to handle your case, Morisato-san()*."
* honorific, meaning
'wax on, wax off'
"You just came out of my mirror!!" Keiichi shouted, pointing to the
offending reflective surface and letting his jaw sag.
"As per your request, I'm here to grant any one wish you may have, as
per the Lord's contract with mankind in regards to minor miracles and
deserving people, sub paragraph six, section nine," Belldandy recited.
"Please make sure you ask for a receipt once--"
"Holy cow, you just went THROUGH a mirror! And it's not broken or
anything!"
"...yes, that's how I get around. Now, about your wish--"
Keiichi was too busy trying to peek through the inch of darkness between
the standing mirror and the wall. "I don't see any holes back here. No
tunnels or anything. Do you live next door? I thought this was a guy's only
dorm--"
"Morisato-san!!"
"...uh, yes?"
The Goddess repeated her sales pitch.
"Whoa," Keiichi replied.
"I can understand you're a little surprised," Belldandy continued,
although her six foot thick patience was wearing thin (5'9"). "It's
understandable, sir. But it's the truth. I am here to grant you any one
wish you desire."
"This is a joke, right?" Keiichi asked, suspicious. "Ootaki has to be
pulling my chain here... what if I wished for something really awful, like...
like an Olsen twins marathon or something?"
"Oh, sir! Naturally, applicants are pre-approved not to be the sort
that would wish something as atrocious upon the planet," Belldandy laughed.
"It's quite an organized system. Now then, your wish...?"
(It should be noted that Keiichi almost asked for a pizza, which would
have made his life very different from that point onward and made this tale
considerably shorter. Both can be seen as negative things. Still, on the
positive side, he wouldn't have ended up going to bed hungry.)
This is a joke, Keiichi thought. Ootaki's making fun of me. He thinks
that even if you dangled an 'easy catch' in front of me, I'd mumble and mess
it up. A gentle-hearted romantic could only be pushed so far before he
pushed back, and he'd call the bluff!
Putting on his most macho voice, Keiichi pointed dramatically to the
young lady, and made his demand.
"Baby, I wish I had a hot chick like you to be my eternal love slave!"
Keiichi belted out, trying not to have his voice crack an octave in the
process. "Hoohah!!"
...and the goddess stared at him in shock.
"...or I'd say that if I was like Ookami, so you can go tell him I get
the joke, ha ha," Keiichi said, downshifting back into Mild Mannered Keiichi.
"Sorry to waste your time, but I know he's just kidding around, ma'am--"
There was once this episode of the X-Files way back in like season one
or season two, where Mulder was poking around an alien crash site. The men
in black got him, of course, and tossed him in with the other UFO nuts who
were looking around including this one guy whose name Keiichi couldn't
recall, but he probably wore a hat and he definitely claimed he was taken by
aliens and at the end of the episode they took him again, and there was this
awesome looking blue pillar of light that made him float in the air and made
the air kick up and stuff swirl around him much in the way the empty ramen
cups and boxer shorts and engineering textbooks were swirling around
Belldandy right now as her forehead glowed and a pillar of holy light
engulfed her.
For the second time that night, Keiichi experienced a liquid drop of
purified panic. He hit the deck and covered his head to avoid getting a
serious concussion from a stray copy of Electrical Engineering 301 For
Dummies. He was also screaming a great deal, not that it could be heard over
the noise and the sounds of angels singing and so on.
Once the noise and the light stopped he was very aware he was still
screaming, and decided to stop screaming for awhile. He peeked out from
under a small mountain of Guy Litter(tm), at the woman who was still kneeling
in front of him.
"...your wish has been granted," Belldandy spoke... smiling. "Master."
If Keiichi was a more coarse kind of guy, the following statement would
have involved a very unsavory word or two.
"Oh dear," he whispered.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Eyecatch sequence of a slot machine coming up three lemons goes here)
Ah! My Hentai is brought to you by the letters F and U, and the number 69.
Not for sale or rent. Contents may be harmful if ingested.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In that moment, everything changed.
The placid and graceful young woman in flowing robes didn't change. She
was still quite peaceful and quite graceful, and obviously her clothing
didn't change. But... SOMETHING had changed. Her kneeling with her hands in
her lap was no longer an official formality and more of a FORMAL formality.
If that made any sense.
"As you have requested, I am now your eternal love slave," Belldandy
spoke, voice sounding far more breathy than the simple civil servant she was
previously. "So it shall be word, bond, and law of the Lord."
95% of Keiichi's brain locked in terror. The other 5% had to ask out of
sheer curiosity, "Does He really approve of that sort of thing?"
"He moves in mysterious ways," Belldandy noted... as she started to
crawl over on all fours like an extra in a Madonna video. (In direct
response, Keiichi's pulse reached the BPS of 'Ray of Light'.) "Master, what
is your command? I'm ready to pleasure you in any way you may desire.
Speak, and I shall perform to your liking."
"Gah gah gah gah gah gah," Keiichi commanded.
"Pardon?" Bell asked, her vamp act broken by the confusion.
Keiichi smacked himself a few times to get his act together. I didn't
help. "Gh.. wh... what are you talking about!?" he asked despite knowing
what she was talking about. "I was kidding! I wasn't really making a wish,
I mean... I'm not REALLY interested in anything like that!"
"You aren't?" Belldandy asked. "Are you...?" She waggled her hand.
"No no, I just mean... I thought it was a joke! Can't I get a refund or
something?"
"All wishes are final," Belldandy explained, scooting closer (Keiichi
scooting away). "Come now, it's not that bad, is it? Aren't I pretty,
master? I could make you very happy..."
"Is this REALLY how a goddess is supposed to act?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Belldandy asked, her patience wearing
down further (now at 5'7" thickness).
"I thought... you know... feathery wing things, harps, innocent
beauty... glowing rings over your heads and all..."
"I don't have wings, I play piano but I'm still learning, I'd like to
think I'm beautiful, I don't think I've got one of those, and I am your
eternal love slave," Belldandy recited. "You know, the wish would have been
rejected by Yggdrasil if you *really* didn't want it."
"WHAT?!" Keiichi blurted, as he bumped against a bookshelf and was
blocked from further escape. "H-Hey! I am NOT that kind of guy!"
"Maybe you just don't realize it yet," Belldandy smiled, skulking closer
and closer. "Maybe I can help you..."
Keiichi raised an arm to nudge her advances away. "Now, listen here--"
*clik* as his elbow nudged the button on Ootaki-sempai's stereo. The
little green LED readout flicked on and the disc advanced to track one of the
Soundtrack to 'Shaft', which was helpfully left in the player from his
sempai's marathon funk music listening sessions.
Belldandy clapped once, overjoyed. "Good selection, master! See? You
know what you want. Allow me to help..."
A soft unzipping sound could be heard alongside the smooth beats of
Issac Hayes, and a draft was felt. Much to Keiichi's surprise / shock /
horror / confusion / astonishment, his (admittedly quite average) length
popped to full attention, ready to go.
Those same eyes which watched Little Keiichi stand up proudly watched as
the goddess bent down, and wrapped her moist lips around him.
It's a well known phenomenon that panic is capable of befuddling the
mind's ability to look at a situation logically. Chemicals from various
glands designed to mask the brain's processes are excreted, jumbling neurons,
causing synapses to misfire until thoughts turn into a crazed game of Mad
Libs played by the imagination's looniest facets.
While this is true, it's also true that EXTREME panic can cause an
unnatural sobriety. Once you go through panic and out the side, the mind
forces itself to take stock of its problems so as not to overheat and crash.
As Keiichi stared unblinkingly at the woman who was giving him the first
blowjob of his life, the mind was busy cataloguing and cross-referencing the
experience for later examination. Notably:
...this was the first time a woman who wasn't related to him touched him
in any way whatsoever.
...the last time he was touched there by another person was during his
most recent doctor's examination.
...he was not a complete neophyte and knew exactly what was being done
to him, what it was named in nasty and nice ways, and what it looked like in
glossy photographs.
...he was the sort of person who sought an emotional, meaningful
relationship with a nice girl who he could spend storybook days and nights
with in a dreamy romance of the ages rather than a cheap roll in the hay.
...and none of this either prepared him for or gave him the power to
resist the fact that he felt VERY, VERY GOOD.
Keiichi pressed up against the bookcase as his body stiffened in shock,
knocking a few textbooks off one end and accidentally raising the volume of
the stereo.
Words like 'warm' and 'wet' bubbled up in his mind, as Belldandy played
her tongue along his length... she wasn't simply sucking like an amateurish
vacuum cleaner, she was licking, teasing, stroking with her fingers, giving
him the royal treatment even if he was like a deer in headlights before her
ministrations. First her soft pink tongue would slide from base to tip,
before flicking lightly atop his rod... then her lips would open wider, and
she'd go down the path again, her hair bobbing lightly as she did so...
This isn't what I want, part of his mind was yelling. I'm looking for
the perfect princess, the one true thing, the ideal. I shouldn't be enjoying
this!
A part of him that rarely got a chance to speak up snottily reminded the
other part that once he had that perfect princess, what was he expecting to
do with her, browse Reader's Digest together all night? Nuts to that.
Nuts being what Belldandy was lightly cupping in her hand as she
continued, which was driving Keiichi over the edge at subsonic speeds. Given
that the last time he'd felt this way was when he was seeing his 'five little
friends' a week or two ago, he wasn't going to last long enough to...
Make that didn't last long, as he gasped his held-in breath at long
last, and sagged against the bookcase. His face had the same rictus look of
surprise it had going into this... but there was a glazed-over sense of
relief to his eyes.
Belldandy politely wiped her mouth on her sleeve (which stayed clean,
being heavenly in nature), and checked Keiichi's vital signs. Giggling a
little at the boy's obvious shock with no small amount of pride for having
caused it, she poked at his nose lightly with her index finger, trying to get
some reaction. "You can blink now," she reminded him.
He blinked.
"Wasn't that good?" Belldandy asked, leaning in closer. "And you can
have that any time, since your wish has come true. I'll be living with you
from now on, master--"
The train of Keiichi's thought derailed into his stream of consciousness
when the brick wall of hard reality popped up.
"Living with me?" Keiichi asked. "Wait, you're what?"
"I have a contract to fulfill, remember? I'm staying with you, master.
I'm looking forward to it. ...although this place is rather untidy. No
worries, I'll have it cleaned up in a day. Do you have any rubber gloves?
And maybe some extras, for later on tonight?--"
"Whoa, whoa... um, chotto matte(*)," Keiichi mumbled, trying to get his
satisfyingly limp item back in his pants without crippling himself on the
zipper. "You can't live with me! This is a guy's only dorm! We can't even
have visitors! Don't you have, like, a fluffy cloud to go back to or
something? We'll get kicked out of here if you stay!"
* a kind of chocolate
beverage (in 6 packs)
Because the universe likes nothing more than a good chuckle, that's the
exact moment Keiichi's sempai decided to come home.
The door was kicked open by a few rowdy, quite drunk upperclassmen who
were clearly intending to keep the party going. They waved around beer cans,
sang drinking songs that would make a tomato blush, and... stopped dead in
their tracks on seeing Belldandy and Keiichi in a thankfully less
compromising position than they had been in one minute previous.
Ootaki pushed his way to the head of the herd, and adjusted his shades
to get a better view of the action.
"Keiichi! What are you doing?!" he blared.
"S-Sempai! I just this isn't look you don't understand I don't it's not
what you think--"
"Is THAT," Ootaki accused, pointing an accusing finger at the subject of
accusation, "A delicate young woman who you were charming in our most sacred
dormitory with MY funkadelic groovy music collection while we were out
partying!? Answer me!!"
"I wouldn't say I was charming her--"
"He's very charming," Belldandy spoke up, feeling that SOMEONE had to
try and defend Keiichi's honor. "Charming, handsome, strong, and tasty!"
Ootaki's beer can clattered to the ground, as Ootaki stalked into the
room. Keiichi got to his feet, looking for an escape route and failing to
find one. "MORISATO! You've had this coming for a long time!!"
...and Ootaki grabbed Keiichi, locked his head under one arm...
And noogied him.
"You SLY DOG!" Ootaki laughed. "So that's why you never hit on chicks
when you were out with us! You were gettin' a little on the side and were
too humble to tell us! You're a better man than I, Keiichi-kun!(*)"
* honorific, meaning
'you magnificent bastard'
"If nff lffk fhht ht ll!!" Keiichi shouted into Ootaki's armpit. Then
he inhaled and immediately regretted it.
"Everybody, listen up!" Ootaki shouted, releasing the headlock.
"Tonight, we party not just for the righteous fury of the motorcycle club!
We party to celebrate Morisato's emergence into manhood! Today, he is a
WARRIOR!"
Keiichi was running out of ellipses as he responded to this new bout of
surreal madness with his usual cunning style. As the boys popped open fresh
brewskis and raised the roof, Belldandy gave him a supportive pat on the
shoulder, a wink, a bright smile and a thumbs up.
Someone pressed a stale beer into Keiichi's hands. He held it out of
some instinctive bodily reaction to stimulus rather than a conscious decision
process.
"We shall celebrate until dawn breaks over the horizon!" Ootaki
declared. "Keiichi, be proud! We honor you!"
"...yay?" Keiichi cheered, waving a little rising sun fan weakly.
"Of course, you still broke dormitory rules by turning our hallowed
halls into your private love nest and for that you're going to have to be
kicked out of the building. Grab him, boys."
As if whisked away on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Keiichi found himself lifted
into the air and carried hand over hand through the rowdy college fratboy
crowd. After 5.4 seconds, he was dumped unceremoniously on the grass outside
the building. Somehow, he didn't spill his beer during the process.
A few loaded suitcases flew out after him, tumbling to a halt.
They were nice enough not to chuck his new goddess out the door. She
walked out under her own power, after saying a few pleasant goodbyes and
bowing a few times.
Feeling an extreme need for it, Keiichi chugged the entire can of beer
before tossing it away.
"Well... at least they were happy for you," Belldandy said, trying to
make the situation look brighter. She sat next to him on the ground, not
wanting to loom over the boy. "I think you've earned a lot of respect with
your friends now. They'll never look at you the same way again."
"My life is over," Keiichi announced, a small cloud of purple-black
gloom hanging over his head as if placed there by an ACME Rain Cloud
Generator. "There's no way I'm going to be able to get on-campus housing
again. It's mid-semester and every building is crammed. I don't have any
relatives in the area, I don't have any money, and I'm still hungry. This
has been the worst night of my entire life, and it's ALL your....."
He turned sharply to rain down condemnation and fury on the... confused
and innocent looking goddess beside him. The internal winter of Keiichi's
discontent settled into a mild autumn.
"Master?" she asked, puzzled.
Mustering up courage, he tried again. "It's all YOUR..."
...poof. No go.
Even if she was the root of his problems, even if she had ruined his
life, he couldn't yell at her. He kept trying to think of her badly... as a
tramp, a weirdo, a ditz, a... the words evaporated before he could think too
hard about them. He just wasn't a mean person, especially not to a girl. A
girl who, in her own... VERY unusual little way, was just trying to help--
"I'm sorry."
"Wha?" Keiichi bumbled, his thoughts screeching to a halt.
"I'm sorry," Belldandy said, looking aside a moment. "This is my fault.
I could blame the system, the contract... but I'm the reason you lost your
home. It's okay, master. I know you're trying not to hurt my feelings, but
I already feel bad about this. You can blame me."
Oh goddess, Keiichi thought. As if he didn't feel like a heel before...
"I think... we're kinda both to blame," Keiichi decided, trying to see
this from a different side. "I'm the one who took your wish as a joke and
caused this problem. You're the one who told Ootaki I was 'tasty'."
"But I was telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy, right?"
"Yeah... in general, yeah. But we could've covered. Fudged it a
little. Said you were a visiting relative, or that you stopped in because
your car broke down, or... no. Nevermind. It's too late, right?" Keiichi
reminded her. "Let's forget about blame. Let's just figure out what happens
next. Now then--"
A warm feeling shot up the left side of Keiichi's body as his recent
acquisition glommed onto him with a pleasant hug.
"That's the spirit, master!" she chimed. "You're very nice to me.
Thank you! We'll see this through, I promise!"
"Ghh," Keiichi said, not feeling the chill of the night air anymore.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The metal railing whisked by so fast it became a blur. Whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh. Metal curved and styled to keep those travelling on the road from
plunging over the side to the valley below.
A forest filled that valley, full of trees; brooding and silent in the
light of the moon, a patch of chaotic natural life that was testament to His
glorious creation. Animals likely lived down there, sleeping through the
midnight hour or hunting or gathering... an entire world onto itself that she
could only see from afar.
"It's a lot like Earth," Belldandy whispered.
"What?" Keiichi spoke up, over the puttering noise of his motorcycle.
He glanced from the road to check on Belldandy, who had been riding quietly
in the sidecar for quite some time now.
"Oh, just thinking," Belldandy replied, leaning back a bit and smiling.
"I'm glad to be here. I rarely get to come down to Earth, you know. Maybe
for five minutes every few weeks, on job orders..."
"I'm glad I could provide you a paid vacation," Keiichi grumbled.
"Oh, I don't see it that way, master!" Belldandy replied. "This is my
career. I've got a duty to perform to the best of my ability, and I take
pride in my work! I promise to serve you well in the years to come in any
and all sexual capacities!"
The cycle wobbled dangerously on the winding road, before Keiichi
regained some measure of control.
Belldandy clamped a hand on the side of the sidecar (appropriately
enough), easing her grip only when the bike stabilized. "Is something wrong,
master?" she asked.
"...nothing, Belldandy," Keiichi sighed.
She looked at him curiously, not quite sure what was wrong. Just as she
hadn't been sure what was wrong earlier tonight.
Didn't she fulfill the wish? Perhaps it was made in jest, but the
system would have rejected a complete lie. That was a safeguard to prevent
someone from wasting their wish. And yet, when she came onto him and he came
into her, so to speak, it was like pulling blood from a stone. Not in the
literal or semi-figurative sense, since he clearly had been easy to pop, but
in terms of acceptance.
It made very little sense. She was doing her job perfectly and he
seemed to resent her for it. Was it possible for the system to have gone
wrong? Was she doing the right thing, contractually bound or not?
Belldandy shrank a bit inside the sidecar, worry taking over her desire
to enjoy the scenery. She would have to redouble her efforts; there was no
other way to ensure she was fulfilling her duty. And yet... she would also
have to look into this. Something wasn't right.
The two rode on in silence, save for the engine's rumble.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Spppuuuuttttputttptutttt. Sputt. Ptt. Pttttt.
Fsssssssssssshh.
Creak, whine, squeak, snippt. The kickstand grazed the asphalt, as
Keiichi removed his helmet... no point in wearing it now. They were out of
gas.
Modern automobiles had a tendency to drive on for many miles even when
the needle was on the red 'E' of doom. This is because car makers assume
that drivers are morons, and even after repeated beeps and whistles and other
signals which translate to 'FILL ME UP, DICKWEED' there will always be
someone seeking to pull another mile out of that baby.
Keiichi's motorcycle, on the other hand, had been assembled from parts
by he himself. He tuned it to his liking; the brake resistance was finely
honed to his grip strength, the acceleration was ideal for racing or
transporting, and every bolt was given the precise level of looseness
required for tight cornering. He also made sure that when the bike said 'E',
it meant it, because he was a responsible person who would never let the tank
go empty anyway.
Here he was in the middle of nowhere with an empty tank. A half hour's
drive from campus, away from the city, and the nearest gas station attendant
was probably psychically picking up on his despair and laughing and laughing
and laughing at him. Keiichi was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he
pulled all the miles out of that baby that it had to spare.
He turned to explain the new problem (on top of the old problem) to his
companion... who was asleep. He nudged her once or twice, rousing the
goddess.
"Are we there yet?" Belldandy asked, rubbing her eyes.
"If 'there' is the middle of nowhere, yes we are," Keiichi replied. "We
have no gas, it's too late for anybody be driving by to help us, and the next
town is too far away to walk. At least it can't get any worse."
Because rainstorms like a grand entrance, a crack of thunder rocked the
earth just before the clouds above unloaded on his head.
The goddess looked up, puzzled. "I thought Yggdrasil was forecasting a
clear night..? A little rain won't hurt anybody, though. And it can't get
any worse NOW, right master?"
"In the movies when two motorists out of gas on a country road in the
rain, don't they usually end up going to an old run down building, where
things get much worse?" Keiichi asked.
"Look, Keiichi, it's an old run down building!" Belldandy announced,
pointing to the gloomy looking structure on a nearby hill. Lightning
casually backlit it in a flash of electric flaming sky-death. "We can take
shelter from the rain in there!"
"I'm all for walking to the next town," Keiichi quickly said.
"Oh, come on. Life isn't like the movies," Belldandy laughed.
"Unless it's Debbie Does Dallas?"
"The update was much better. Come on! I have a good feeling about this
place. It's so quiet and private and isolated! Just think of the fun we can
have, master!"
"Yay," Keiichi non-cheered. Then he sneezed violently.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Pushing a fully luggage-loaded motorcycle with sidecar up a winding path
proved to be harder than it looked, and it had already looked impossible when
Keiichi began. But he couldn't just leave it out in the rain, so push he
did. The entire trip up to the temple took a half hour of backbreaking work,
even with Belldandy helping.
'Temple', because apparently the building was indeed a temple of some
sort. From up close the distinctive sloping roof and high walled gardens
were obvious. This raised Keiichi's hopes that maybe the building wasn't
derelict after all, before the gaping holes in the wall and the half-
collapsed roof dashed his hopes to itty-bitty bits.
What's more, he was sneezing and coughing a lot. He never heard of a
stranded motorist in a horror movie dying of pneumonia sixteen feet away from
the door of the haunted house, but if life wasn't like the movies, then
perhaps it was a distinct possibility.
Belldandy, being divine, felt no ill effects from the weather... other
than worry at each sign of Keiichi's decreasing health. She pushed harder,
trying to bear more of the burden of the cycle. Some cheering up was in
order; perhaps regaling him with more suggestions of how they can have fun.
"Master, would you like--"
"No."
"But I didn't even say--"
"No, I wouldn't like," Keiichi replied, sounding more ragged. His eyes
were half closed, as he mumbled his words. "If it's got anything to do with
sex, forget it and just push."
"But master--"
He stopped pushing.
"Don't call me that," Keiichi snapped (as much as he was capable of
snapping). He wobbled a bit as he stood up, clearly half out of it and
speaking from the core now. "My name is Keiichi. Keii. Chi. Not master,
not sir, not my love muffin or anything... anything like... not master. You
don't even KNOW me."
"I do too," Belldandy protested. "You're Keiichi Morisato. And we
really should get inside, the temple isn't that far away now--"
"How.. how can you use the word 'love' in 'love slave' if you don't know
me?" Keiichi asked, focusing on a point a foot to the left of Belldandy. "I
don't call what.. what we did love. Was just... just sex... and I want...
I... I want some hot chocolate. Don't wanna go to school..."
First to his knees, then face first in the mud and he began promptly
snoozing away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The inner door to the temple's main building fell off its hinges when
pushed. It clattered to the dusty floor; a good sign, since it meant inside
was dry.
With all her strength, Belldandy hauled Keiichi into the building. She
hurriedly laid him on the floor, and checked his vital signs... which were
turning up 'Yeild' and 'Stop' and 'No Outlet'. She wasn't a medical expert,
but cold clammy flesh and ragged breathing were not signs of robust health.
He was not going to be springing to life and doing Tae Bo routines any time
soon, and the only person around to help him was her...
On one level, Belldandy was his contractually bound willing living
fantasy and sex toy who would not know what to do if her poor master was in
trouble and couldn't give her guidance.
On another level, she was a goddess first class unlimited and not likely
to take this sort of thing lying down. And so, taking it to the next level,
Belldandy rolled up her proverbial sleeves and got it on in a metaphysical
sense.
First item on the menu was a healing spell. As a goddess, she had a
wide variety of magical powers as would be needed to complete any job
required of her... usually holy type jobs rather than tossing around magic
missiles and fireballs and slaying orcs like other spellcasters. She
concentrated, focusing the life in nature around her into a...
There wasn't any life in nature around her. The soil was black and
dead. Nothing grew here. The rotting wood of the temple and the hacked
apart stonework had no power left to lend.
This alone would be no cause of alarm. She could always take him
outside of the temple grounds and borrow life from the earth around her.
However, the complete absence of life was not natural. It was almost as
if...
As if whatever deity this temple enshrined was keeping the place dead.
In terms of sheer oddity, popping out of a mirror and giving a guy the
best (and only) oral sex he's ever experienced under contractual obligation
was peanuts compared to the kind of things gods and goddesses faced when the
divine shit truly hit the fan. Belldandy got to her feet quickly, defenses
and senses up, trying to find who was fighting her...
The darkness took shape.
"Might as well," it spoke, flowing and shifting into human form.
"You've spotted me. 'allo again, Belldandy."
Despite the imposing status of the gaunt figure with drooping black hair
and matching cloak sitting upside down on the ceiling, Belldandy was
surprisingly overjoyed.
"Shinigami-san!" Belldandy smiled. "This is YOUR temple?"
"Not really," the deity spoke, flowing from ceiling to floor to join
Belldandy on her own plane of gravity. "I've inherited it. Used to belong
to... some minor Shinto spirit, I forget who. The worshippers abandoned the
place for jobs in the city, and the spirit transformed into some minor spirit
for pop singers. Now, the forgotten temple has been given over to my
realm... death, decay, and ruin."
"Nobody does death, decay and ruin better than you do," Belldandy
complimented politely. "I'm glad it's you... I was afraid some demon had
taken up residence."
"No, just the natural processes of collapse," Shinigami spoke, looking
around the room with his coal black eyes. His voice was an even monotone of
uncaring, naturally. "As usual, it falls on my shoulders to clean up the
mess. It'll take a few hundred years for this place to fully sink back into
the earth... but hey, it's a job. Now, what brings you here with this
mortal? I thought you were tied to a desk job at the Relief Office for the
next few centuries."
"I was," Belldandy said, a mischievous glint in her eye. "I'm not
anymore. I'm free. I'm under contract to live with my master as his love
slave!"
The God of Death, the Great Destroyer, the Omega of All actually wobbled
a little at the concept of that. "As his what? You as his...? But you--"
"You knew me years ago, Shinigami. ...things have changed. Don't worry
about that; I'm happy, and that's what's important. Happy to see you again,
as well! But business first. I need to cast a healing spell on my master,
so can you withdraw for the time being?"
"He's mine, Belldandy."
"...what?" Belldandy asked, her fear that had so quickly been quelled
starting to rise anew.
"He walked to my temple to seek its comforts, and these are the only
comforts death can provide. That's the way it works, Belldandy, you know the
rules of the system as well as I. Nothing can be done."
"You're joking, right?"
"I tend not to joke. I tried once, and the results were simply
dreadful. For instance, what did the carpenter say to the glassblower when
he died?"
"What?" Belldandy asked, getting confused.
"Nothing. See? Not very funny. Don't worry, your contract will be
cancelled once he's been processed. There's nothing to blame you for here,"
Shinigami assured her. "You'll have done your duty as well as I have."
A sad silence fell over the collapsing temple.
"...I won't allow that," Belldandy said.
"I know you believe in a strong work ethic, Norn of the Present, but the
contract--"
"This is about more than a contract," Belldandy warned. "My master will
live. You will withdraw. I know we're friends, and I apologize for having
to do this, but... I'll let them know about what you did in 1845."
Shinigami didn't flinch. "God's omniscient, Belldandy. He already
knows about... my rather poor decision making at that moment. He has
forgiven me, as he forgives all his children."
"Yes, but the SYSTEM doesn't know. The red tape won't forgive you so
easily. Yggdrasil has no records, because Urd and I helped you erase them,"
Belldandy reminded him sternly... before sagging visibly. "Please,
Shinigami-sama... just withdraw from this temple. Allow me to heal him. Do
it for your friend Belldandy, if nothing else."
"There's going to have to be a leveraging," he warned. "I had to
leverage a little to keep Yggdrasil balanced back then, and I will now."
"What kind of leveraging?"
"I'm not sure yet. Maybe in the future, maybe in the past. I'll look
into it. But why do you want me to do this, Belldandy? What's so important
about one mortal? They all die eventually, you know. Born to the role.
It's natural for them."
"I know he'll die one day," Belldandy repeated. "But it doesn't have to
be today. Please, Shinigami..."
The God of Death sighed, like the last breath of a dying man... and
smiled. "I suppose I can arrange matters. I would hate to see you sad,
Belldandy. But please... be careful. You are a very young goddess compared
to veterans such as myself. What decisions you make you must make with
caution. I will be seeing you again."
"I promise to have tea ready for your visit," Belldandy said, smiling in
relief.
"Don't be so satisfied," Shinigami warned. "This will be no small feat,
and the system is already... slightly unstable. Perhaps it's my natural
pessimism, but I feel something is afoot, Belldandy. I will return if I have
news, I promise."
The shadows turned back into ordinary shadows... and the spirit of the
temple faded, leaving behind a simple broken down building. It was still
dark, it was still cold, and it was still spooky. But it was no longer
anything more than a building.
Working quickly, Belldandy's magic flowed from soul to mind to
fingertips. Keiichi's breath smoothed out, and his skin flooded with new
color... he stayed asleep, but it was a comfortable sleep now.
Of course, even without Shinigami's presence, he did stand a good chance
of catching his ill again from the cold and the damp. For this, Belldandy
didn't have to use any magic whatsoever.
Her robes fell to the floor softly, making little noise as she stepped
out of the divine garments. They vanished to nothingness after being
discarded; she wouldn't be needing them again, as a businessman wouldn't need
his three piece suit after coming home from a long day at the office.
Stepping lightly across the floor, she wrapped herself up in a quilt
from Keiichi's baggage, and with a little log-rolling got Keiichi himself
wrapped into it as well. The warmth from her body and the fluffy down
comforter (only 2000 yen at your local shopping district) would suffice for
the night, until she could... tidy up, as it were, around the temple.
She looked into Keiichi's (closed) eyes, feeling his warm breath on her
face as she snuggled in next to him, putting her arms around him to keep him
from rolling away.
There was a reason she did everything. She took the risk, worked the
system and got what she wanted. Shinigami wouldn't have understood; he had a
few emotions, but they were awkward and clumsy ones at times. But she knew
in her heart what the reasons were.
You don't know me, Keiichi had accused. Words from the heart.
"I don't know you yet, master," Belldandy agreed, whispering to his
sleeping ear. "But I want to know you. You could have thrown me out. You
could have used me without caring about me at all. You could have done any
number of awful things and I would have had to accept it as your slave, as
part of the contract... but you didn't do anything like that. You were nice
to me even when you weren't happy with what I am. If I'm going to have a
master, I'd want it to be someone like you. I'll just have to try to get to
know the real you as well... Keiichi-sama."
As she drifted to sleep, the night continued on, in an uneventful and
pleasantly mundane sort of way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Morning.
Mornings sucked. Keiichi was the sort to have pep and energy all the
live long day, never really given to lethargic couch potato naps or chronic
daytime television watching... but mornings, those he couldn't cope with.
They involved a lot of dozing back to sleep, some false alarms where he
thought he was ready to wake up but really wasn't, and eventually enough
stretching to satisfy the requirements for an Olympic gymnastics team.
That particular morning he lazily untangled himself from the quilt he
was tucked into, got up, stretched, scratched, belched and slumped lazily
from the living room to the kitchen of the temple.
Of the temple?
It was barely recognizable, having been somehow restored to pristine
order and nicely furnished, but this was the temple. The temple he had
walked up to after the bike ran out of gas. Why did the bike run... oh,
right, he had to find somewhere to live. Because he got kicked out of the
dorm, because of...
Her.
Belldandy turned away from her cooking, to give him a sweet smile.
"Hello, Keiichi-sama!" she greeted. "Breakfast will be ready shortly. I set
up a small bathhouse just outside, if you'd like to freshen up before
eating... or have a full body massage after you finish your meal."
Of course, she was wearing an apron to avoid the agony of accidental
grease spills. Of course, she wasn't wearing anything else.
"Excuse me while I hate my life. Ahhh. Oogh. Arrgh. ...okay, I'll be
right back after brushing my teeth. ...is that bacon?"
"Bacon and oysters!" Belldandy confirmed. "I know it sounds a little
strange, but I think you'll like it. It's very good for stamina."
"Yay," Keiichi cheered weakly. But as he sniffed the air, he had to
admit... it was tempting. Bacon always smelled awful if you didn't cook it
right, but this was like someone had run around the kitchen spraying a can of
perfume marked 'Bacon no.5' in the air...
Part of him looked forward to breakfast and part of him looked on in
horror at what his life had become. But everybody has a few parts to deal
with in life.(*)
* TO BE CONTINUED