>>This is light fare, so it shouldn't cause any indigestion. Please
>>enjoy your in-fanfic meal... ^_^
>
>Mmmm... salted peanuts....
And mini-pretzels and those strange little ginger cookies...
>>Le canard a la Pekin
>
>Yep, there's yer evidence. Gratuitous Japanese leads to the harder
>stuff....
:)
>>It had been a tough and long lunch. The persistence of the male
>>Japanese libido never ceased to amaze Shampoo, and she'd
>been forced
>>to bend three different pieces of rebar into pretzels,
>one each for
>
>What's rebar?
Reinforcing steel bars for concrete. C'mon, they're as common as
dirt.
>>The tinkle of the front door bell and the loud, strident
>voice of an
>>all-too-familiar rival caused the muscles in Shampoo's
>back to start
>>tying themselves into knots again. <HER!> Tendou Akane was
>>rigorously decrying the latest escapade of her iinazuke, the very
>
>Shall I mention that we have a perfectly good word for "fiance" in
>English? Nahhhh. I'm sure Dave's well aware of this by now :)
We do have a good word for fiancee?! I thought 'fiancee' was French.
;P
>>"Now, Akane," Kasumi smoothly said, "I'm sure Ranma-kun had good
>>reason for being so hungry, and he did say he was sorry.
>He does get
>>a lot of exercise, you know. Besides, if he hadn't eaten them,
>>Saotome-no-ojisama certainly would have." There was just the
>>slightest hint of disapproval in Kasumi's voice.
>
>There was just the slightest hint of author bias in the gratuitous
>character dig. (Well, more than just the slightest,
>actually.... ^_^)
>
>This Genma and Ranma as hyper-glutton thing kinda smells of fanfic
>cliche to me. I mean, these are the people who, for the sake of
>training, left a nice home and a skilled cook to subsist
>on whatever
>scraps they could scrape up for ten years. Okay, so we
>know that they
>generally don't say no to free food when it's offered, or
>sometimes even
>when it isn't. :) But is there any time in the manga
>where they're shown
>not leaving any food for anyone else?
I'm sure Shampoo would agree with you, especially after they
proceeded to devour her First Prize without asking. :/
>>Everyone except Akane, who was steaming at Shampoo, turned at the
>>strangled squawk that came from the young man wiping the
>tables. The
>>elder sisters were trying to decide if Shampoo had been talking
>>about Mousse as a suitor or an entree. For that matter, so was
>>Mousse.
>
>Suggest cutting these last two sentences. You lose much
>of the humor by
>having to explain it.
Point.
>>In the kitchen, Cologne pushed the chopped celery off of
>her board
>>and picked up a large onion. She needed a good cover,
>not that she
>>felt she needed to explain herself, and onion fumes would provide
>>one. The wa of the restaurant had to be maintained. Yes, that's
>>it... precisely.
>>
>>Cologne was surprised at just how much fun living in Nerima could
>>be. She smiled as the conversation in the dining area started up
>>again.
>
>Showing that Cologne has a sense of humor is fine, IMO,
>but going out of
>your way to show a character laughing at your own scene
>is bad form. We
>are the readers. We will decide whether your scene was funny. ^_^
Yes, the second paragraph could be omitted without difficulty.
>>"Oh, dear. You don't have Peking Duck, Shampoo-san?"
>Kasumi looked
>>up at her waitress.
>>
>>Shampoo couldn't help but smirk at Mousse before
>addressing Kasumi.
>>"No Peking Duck today. Have number one good garlic chicken."
>
>KASUMI: Well, never mind. An order of pressed duck, if you please.
>
>SHAMPOO: I'm afraid we never have that in the middle of
>the week, ma'am.
>Always get it fresh on Monday.
>
>KASUMI: Tsk, tsk. How are you on duck l'orange?
>
>SHAMPOO: Sorry, ma'am.
Why am I thinking of a cheese shop all of a sudden? ;)
>>Akane smirked at having elicited a slip of annoyance from Shampoo
>>and turned back to her menu. "Well, hang on a minute. I
>gotta read
>>tha menu."
>>
>>Kasumi's eyes peered reprovingly from over the top of
>her own menu.
>>"Speech, Akane."
>>
>>"Sorry, Oneechan."
>
>KASUMI: Akane! Language!
>
>AKANE: Sorry, Sister.
>
>KASUMI: That's better.
Gah. Just can't let it go, hey? ^_-
>(Did you mean to write "tha," or is that a typo?)
Intended.
>>"FINE! Airen want duck?! Airen go marry MOUSSE!"
>>
>>"HEY!" Mousse finally had to comment.
>>
>>"... ... Shampoo not say that. Nope. Is old Joketsuzoku
>technique.
>>Make you THINK you hear that."
>
>Heh.
:)
>>Cologne's eyes slid slowly to the front door and then back to
>>Nabiki. "We appear to be fresh out," she deadpanned.
>>
>>Akane fell out of her chair, howling. Nabiki barked a
>laugh and then
>>bit her hand, tears starting to run down her face; after all, she
>>had an image to maintain. Kasumi put her other hand over her eyes
>>and rested her elbows on the table, her body lightly convulsing.
>
>Consider my earlier comments about the characters laughing at the
>author's humor restated. :)
Okay. :) On the other hand, how else would they react? Besides,
they're not laughing at my humor; they're laughing at Cologne's. A
fine distinction perhaps...
>>"Now, Kasumi-san, about those wonderful quail patties
>you let me try
>>that day..."
>>
>>"Oh, my." *Sniffle.* "Well, they're quite easy to prepare..."
>
>DANE QUAYL: Aaack!
>
>AKANE: Look, if I didn't want Mousse, I CERTAINLY don't want HIM!
Stream-of-consciousness humor... Gotta love it! :)
>I'm not sure what to tell you about this scene. The whole
>bit with the
>Tendos asking for duck and Shampoo telling them they
>didn't have any
>over and over went on too long for my taste. It was like
>a duck with one
>leg caught in a trap; desperately wanting to go
>somewhere, but not able
>to, so all you end up with is a lot of squwaking. (Okay,
>that's probably
>too harsh a metaphor, but I think the point is made.)
>More on this at
>the end.
>
>>"Mmmmm!" Ranma laid herself out on a beach recliner in the Tendou
>>backyard, three Peking Ducks settling nicely in her stomach,
>>producing a satisfying bulge in her bare midsection. She wore one
>>bit of nothing that barely covered the appropriate lower parts of
>>her girl form, a state of dress she would've never been
>caught in if
>>Akane and, more importantly, Nabiki weren't out of the house.
>>
>>"Guys sunbathe topless, and I'm a guy," she grumbled to herself.
>
>So why is he doing this in girl form? :) Perhaps you could mention
>something about his having been splashed accidentally and
>deciding it's
>not worth the bother to go and change back.
Read on...
>><Too bad Tendou-san doesn't see it that way...> But she
>then smiled
>>as the sun started warming her. There was just something
>about the
>>way she felt when sunning in this body that was just so
>utterly...
>>pleasant that she wished she could do it completely nude. She
>>grinned naughtily, but decided not to put name to any
>other feelings
>>she might be having.
>
>*Sigh* And Dave falls victim to his typecasting, with
>only a few more
>paragraphs to go. Sad, really.... ^_^
Hey, it's a point of view. Everyone should have them. :)
>>With dinner-plate eyes and presenting warding gestures with her
>>hands, Ranma groaned and turned slightly green, having
>>misinterpreted Shampoo's meaning.
>
>Again, don't tell us explicitly that he's misinterpreting
>the meaning.
>Describing his visions of having eaten Mousse would make
>the point much
>better IMO (assuming that *is* how he's interpreting it).
Agreed.
>>FIN
>
>MOUSSE: We ducks don't have fins; we have webbed feet. Thankyew.
>
>Well... you've got a good potential for humor in the
>juxtaposition of "I
>want duck" vs. "I want Mousse." But it's not exploited to
>anywhere near
>the degree that it could be, I think. The raw material is
>fine, but you
>need a lot more work to get it into a form where it's as
>funny as it
>could be. For example, you could have Mousse overhear
>each Tendo sister
>in turn tell Shampoo how she really wants duck tonight,
>and Mousse gets
>the wrong idea. Or something. The basic idea is there,
>but the execution
>didn't really work for me as written.
Well, I can appreciate that it doesn't work for you as written. I
think, however, we're focussing on different aspects of the humor,
here, a difference in how we two perceive a set of circumstances as
being funny. Mousse is just an innocent bystander, in this case,
while the primary action is Shampoo going a little nutto from having
had a long day. Things just snowball from there, going somewhat as
they will for the sake of fluidity.
>From reading your general comments on the humor, I can't help but
feel it would become your story and not mine, at least in part. That
is not to say that I think your comments are wrong, necessarily, but
I can't help but get the feeling that the general criticism is
rooted in our differing perceptions.
However, I will go through and see if your suggestions can be
implemented without changing the general thrust of the humor, which
I am quite satisfied with.
Thanks for the comments, Gary. As usual, thought-provoking. ^_^
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html