"D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net> wrote:
This is light fare, so it shouldn't cause any indigestion. Please
enjoy your in-fanfic meal... ^_^
Mmmm... salted peanuts....
Le canard a la Pekin
Yep, there's yer evidence. Gratuitous Japanese leads to the harder
stuff....
It had been a tough and long lunch. The persistence of the male
Japanese libido never ceased to amaze Shampoo, and she'd been forced
to bend three different pieces of rebar into pretzels, one each for
What's rebar?
The tinkle of the front door bell and the loud, strident voice of an
all-too-familiar rival caused the muscles in Shampoo's back to start
tying themselves into knots again. <HER!> Tendou Akane was
rigorously decrying the latest escapade of her iinazuke, the very
Shall I mention that we have a perfectly good word for "fiance" in
English? Nahhhh. I'm sure Dave's well aware of this by now :)
"Now, Akane," Kasumi smoothly said, "I'm sure Ranma-kun had good
reason for being so hungry, and he did say he was sorry. He does get
a lot of exercise, you know. Besides, if he hadn't eaten them,
Saotome-no-ojisama certainly would have." There was just the
slightest hint of disapproval in Kasumi's voice.
There was just the slightest hint of author bias in the gratuitous
character dig. (Well, more than just the slightest, actually.... ^_^)
This Genma and Ranma as hyper-glutton thing kinda smells of fanfic
cliche to me. I mean, these are the people who, for the sake of
training, left a nice home and a skilled cook to subsist on whatever
scraps they could scrape up for ten years. Okay, so we know that they
generally don't say no to free food when it's offered, or sometimes even
when it isn't. :) But is there any time in the manga where they're shown
not leaving any food for anyone else?
Everyone except Akane, who was steaming at Shampoo, turned at the
strangled squawk that came from the young man wiping the tables. The
elder sisters were trying to decide if Shampoo had been talking
about Mousse as a suitor or an entree. For that matter, so was
Mousse.
Suggest cutting these last two sentences. You lose much of the humor by
having to explain it.
In the kitchen, Cologne pushed the chopped celery off of her board
and picked up a large onion. She needed a good cover, not that she
felt she needed to explain herself, and onion fumes would provide
one. The wa of the restaurant had to be maintained. Yes, that's
it... precisely.
Cologne was surprised at just how much fun living in Nerima could
be. She smiled as the conversation in the dining area started up
again.
Showing that Cologne has a sense of humor is fine, IMO, but going out of
your way to show a character laughing at your own scene is bad form. We
are the readers. We will decide whether your scene was funny. ^_^
~~~~~
"Oh, dear. You don't have Peking Duck, Shampoo-san?" Kasumi looked
up at her waitress.
Shampoo couldn't help but smirk at Mousse before addressing Kasumi.
"No Peking Duck today. Have number one good garlic chicken."
KASUMI: Well, never mind. An order of pressed duck, if you please.
SHAMPOO: I'm afraid we never have that in the middle of the week, ma'am.
Always get it fresh on Monday.
KASUMI: Tsk, tsk. How are you on duck l'orange?
SHAMPOO: Sorry, ma'am.
Akane smirked at having elicited a slip of annoyance from Shampoo
and turned back to her menu. "Well, hang on a minute. I gotta read
tha menu."
Kasumi's eyes peered reprovingly from over the top of her own menu.
"Speech, Akane."
"Sorry, Oneechan."
KASUMI: Akane! Language!
AKANE: Sorry, Sister.
KASUMI: That's better.
(Did you mean to write "tha," or is that a typo?)
"FINE! Airen want duck?! Airen go marry MOUSSE!"
"HEY!" Mousse finally had to comment.
"... ... Shampoo not say that. Nope. Is old Joketsuzoku technique.
Make you THINK you hear that."
Heh.
Cologne's eyes slid slowly to the front door and then back to
Nabiki. "We appear to be fresh out," she deadpanned.
Akane fell out of her chair, howling. Nabiki barked a laugh and then
bit her hand, tears starting to run down her face; after all, she
had an image to maintain. Kasumi put her other hand over her eyes
and rested her elbows on the table, her body lightly convulsing.
Consider my earlier comments about the characters laughing at the
author's humor restated. :)
"Now, Kasumi-san, about those wonderful quail patties you let me try
that day..."
"Oh, my." *Sniffle.* "Well, they're quite easy to prepare..."
DANE QUAYL: Aaack!
AKANE: Look, if I didn't want Mousse, I CERTAINLY don't want HIM!
I'm not sure what to tell you about this scene. The whole bit with the
Tendos asking for duck and Shampoo telling them they didn't have any
over and over went on too long for my taste. It was like a duck with one
leg caught in a trap; desperately wanting to go somewhere, but not able
to, so all you end up with is a lot of squwaking. (Okay, that's probably
too harsh a metaphor, but I think the point is made.) More on this at
the end.
"Mmmmm!" Ranma laid herself out on a beach recliner in the Tendou
backyard, three Peking Ducks settling nicely in her stomach,
producing a satisfying bulge in her bare midsection. She wore one
bit of nothing that barely covered the appropriate lower parts of
her girl form, a state of dress she would've never been caught in if
Akane and, more importantly, Nabiki weren't out of the house.
"Guys sunbathe topless, and I'm a guy," she grumbled to herself.
So why is he doing this in girl form? :) Perhaps you could mention
something about his having been splashed accidentally and deciding it's
not worth the bother to go and change back.
<Too bad Tendou-san doesn't see it that way...> But she then smiled
as the sun started warming her. There was just something about the
way she felt when sunning in this body that was just so utterly...
pleasant that she wished she could do it completely nude. She
grinned naughtily, but decided not to put name to any other feelings
she might be having.
*Sigh* And Dave falls victim to his typecasting, with only a few more
paragraphs to go. Sad, really.... ^_^
With dinner-plate eyes and presenting warding gestures with her
hands, Ranma groaned and turned slightly green, having
misinterpreted Shampoo's meaning.
Again, don't tell us explicitly that he's misinterpreting the meaning.
Describing his visions of having eaten Mousse would make the point much
better IMO (assuming that *is* how he's interpreting it).
FIN
MOUSSE: We ducks don't have fins; we have webbed feet. Thankyew.
Well... you've got a good potential for humor in the juxtaposition of "I
want duck" vs. "I want Mousse." But it's not exploited to anywhere near
the degree that it could be, I think. The raw material is fine, but you
need a lot more work to get it into a form where it's as funny as it
could be. For example, you could have Mousse overhear each Tendo sister
in turn tell Shampoo how she really wants duck tonight, and Mousse gets
the wrong idea. Or something. The basic idea is there, but the execution
didn't really work for me as written.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html