[opening pan across audience. We can see members of
Studio GAINAX, ADVision, and Viz Communications in
places of prominence. Voice actors, musicians,
writers, fans, and other riff-raff are dressed up
to the nines. All are applauding furiously]
THE EVANGELION FAN COMMUNITY
IN ASSOCIATION WITH
THE JAPANESE MINISTRY OF CULTURE
STUDIO GAINAX
TV TOKYO
AD VISION
VIZ
AND YEBISU BREWERIES
PRESENT
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
HOSTED BY:
MISATO KATSURAGI
[cut to the main stage. Three podia are set up on stage
center, left and right. Misato, in her black
evening dress, weaves out from stage right to
center, clutching a can of the sponsor's product in
her hand]
Misato: Whoo-hoo! Hi, everybody! Guesh what--I get to
hand out a whole bunch of super-duper awarsh thish
evening. I want to tell you all, I love seeing
people happy.
[laughter from the audience. Several members are wiping
blood flows from their noses]
Misato: An', thish is the first year of the "Tako Ball"
Awardsh, which are given to the besht Evangelion
fan fiction writersh from around the Internet. And
that'sh great, 'cause there needsh to be more good
fan fiction out there. I love a good fan fic
almosht as much as I loooove happy people.
[laughter and applause. Most of the male membership of
the audience now have their noses covered]
Misato: So, let'sh get the party underway. To kick
thingsh off, we're goin' to have...oh! It's Shinji-
kun, ev'r'body! An' he'sh going to
preshent...uh...the "Besht Shadfic/Darkfic Award"!
Aw, that'sh a bummer of a way to shtart out. Hey,
Shinji! Shinji! See if you can't make it funny, OK?
[cut to stage left. Shinji has missed his cue and is
already about a pace onstage, beet red with
embarassment. He's dressed in a black coat and tie
suit. Ruefully, as the audience applauds, he walks
to the stage left microphone.]
Shinji: Thank...thank you, Misato-san. Uh, hi,
everybody.
[spontaneous applause. Shinji blushes more, but manages
a weak smile.]
Shinji: I'd like to present the "Best Sadfic/Darkfic"
Award. Neon Genesis Evangelion, with its
Gotterdammerung theme and bleak view of human
nature, has always been a magnet for dark and
depressing fan fiction. The authors we cite here
tonight have striven hard to capture the the mood
of a moment, a moment of loneliness, a moment of
abandon--
Misato: [off-screen] BRAAAAAK!
[Shinji glances to his right. Cut to Misato holding a
hand over her mouth in embarassment. The culpable
can of Yebisu is still clutched in her other hand.
Cut back to Shinji--flustered, he skips ahead in
his monologue]
Shinji: Placing for "Best Sadfic/Darkfic", we have:
Children of an Elder God, by John Biles and Rod M.;
and A Tale That Wasn't Right, by Axel Terizaki.
[Shinji leads the applause. Cut to the faces of the
authors bowing and waving in recognition. Cut back
to Shinji]
Shinji: The winner for the "Best Sadfic/Darkfic" Award
of the First Tako Ball Awards is...a tie! Lost Love
by Alain Gravel, and The Death of One by
Godsend777.
[the authors, and all subsequent winners, are lead to
the podium by the bunny girl from "Otaku no Video"]
Godsend777: Hee hee! Misty Mae!
Alain: Shut up.
[The two award winners walks on stage. Godsend777 is leading
the way, a big grin on his face, dressed in a black priests'
shirt, collar and blue jeans. His face, complete with long
hair and goatee, makes him resemble the Catholic
interpretation of Christ. Many NERV members glance nervously
at him. Alain follows, dressed in black from head to toe,
including a pair of sunglasses and a week long beard, a dark
aura of gloom emanating from him. While this has no effect
whatsoever on the audiance, those with good earing can
notice that Shinji is now muttering his usual mantra.]
[Both of them are handed their awards and take turn at
delivering their speeches]
Alain: I guess that I should say thanks the people who
read the story, as well as to Steve Pardue and Daniel
Snyder, whose respective works--Ranma 1/2: The death of love
and Evangelion: Damnation--got me in the mood to write this
little piece. So there... thanks! But really, I wrote this
little one for myself. Oh, how I enjoyed killing that wuss
and having Asuka go through hell, mwhehehehehehe!!!!!
Godsend777: Actually, I think that was the reason I wrote
TDOO. It was nice to off Shinji for a bit. Besides, at the
time it was a good change of pace, and I wanted to do a sad
WAFF. My influences for the project were and are Axel
Terizaki, Toh E. Loong, and of course, Alain here. Special
thanks also goes out to my first pre-reader, Mirei Ikari,
for helping get it off the ground.
[The audiance misses the end of the speech, as they notice a
group of angry girls making their way on stage]
Asuka, Rei, Mana, and Hikari: You killed our lollipop!
[Everyone looks at Hikari]
Hikari, blushing: What?
Shinji: I... died? B-but...
Misato: Here we go...
Shinji: I... don't want to die... I can't die....
Asuka: Look at him now! When he gets depressed, he can't
perform!
[Rei, Mana, and Hikari nod in assent. Then focus back on the
two men on stage.]
Alain: This is bad... My friend, in years to come, I'm
sure people will remember your noble sacrifice...
Godsend777: Kyaa!
[With one big push, Alain throws Godsend777 in the direction
of the girls and flees backstage. The camera has barely the
time to focus back on Misato before the screaming begins.]
Godsend (off-camera): Ahhh! It hurts! Dear God it
huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts!!!!!!!
Hikari (with a chilling tone in her voice): Pray for death.
[cut back to Misato in stage center. A recycling bin has
been placed at her feet.]
Misato: Aw, that was beautiful, beautiful. Now, let's
all give it up for the Subcommander, who's gonna
give us the...er..."Best Drama" Award.
[cut to stage right. Kozo Fuyutsuki enters, dressed in
his bridge uniform. He takes his place at the
podium with ease and smiles lightly at the audience
as their applause dies down]
Fuyutsuki: Good evening. I'm very pleased to present the
first Tako Ball Award for Best Evangelion Drama. A
drama is a story that takes a serious look at
Evangelion without coloring the theme; there is no
emphasis on either the darkness of a sadfic or the
lightness of a WAFF. It's no wonder, then, that
dramas have been among the most popular of
Evangelion fan fictions.
Placing for Best Drama, we have The One I Love
Is..., by Alain Gravel.
[he pauses to lead the applause, but hurries on.]
Fuyutsuki: And the winner is...HERZ, by Toh Ee Loong.
Congratulations!
Toh: Thank you to all of you out there who have read, commented or
voted for HERZ - writing fanfic has been that much more fun with
the kindness and support of fellow authors and readers. Thanks
again.
[cut to Misato. The camera catches her as she opens up
another beer]
Misato: Wow. I want to tell ya all, this here holding
awards ceremonies is some THIRSTY work. Anyway...
[takes a mouthfull of the beer]
Misato: ...yeah, that's right, being the hostess. Uh,
now we have...oh, yeah! Now we've got the LEMON
AWARD! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
[Misato goes into an Arsenio Hall fist-waving routine as
the audience follows suit. Maya Ibuki comes on from
stage left. She is wearing a disturbingly familiar
diving suit, black skirt and lab coat...and they
are disturbingly tight.]
Maya: Good evening, everyone. I'd like to give out the
award for "Best Lemon". Now, because of their adult
nature, lemons have always had something of a bad
reputation in the fan fiction community. At the
same time, to write something...well,
titillating...is a challenge for any writer. So I'm
pleased that a special award category has been set
up to acknowledge those writers who have tried, and
succeded, in write adult-oriented fanfic.
Placing for this award, we have The Object of
One's Desire by Drakken Fyre. Congratulations!
[cut to the audience, where the author stands and bows]
Maya: And the winner of the Tako Ball Award for "Best
Lemon" is...Body Heat, by Axel Terizaki and
Disaster. Very well done!
[together, Axel and Disaster rise from their seats in the front
row. Dressed in his blue jeans, white Asuka t- shirt and red jacket, Axel
immediately proceeds to walk towards the steps up to the stage,
with Disaster in his black suit closely following behind. Without
thought Axel steps up to the podium, collects his cue cards from his
pocket and carefully arranges them in front of him, clearing his throat
he looks for the camera and begins his formal acceptance speech, as
Disaster is receiving the Award from Maya.]
Axel: This is a glorious day for serious Lemon writers everywhere. Body
Heat was not only a fic but a challenge that was issued to me by my
co-author, Disaster. After tricking him into writing half of it we spent a
long time with a great support team and managed to turn out 8 full drafts
before finally getting finished...
[at this point, Disaster steps up, whispers something into Axel's ears and
then replaces him in front of the microphone. Axel steps back and stands
behind Disaster with a somewhat relieved expression on his face. After a
silent glare at the entire audience, he begins.]
Disaster: I would like to express my appreciation to the assistance given
Axel and myself during our time writing this fic. A special thanks must go
to Dave Watson, he is the greatest re-tooler I am aware of. What I would
like to say is this to all our future readers out there, 'YES I AM ALSO A
CO-AUTHOR OF THIS FIC!!!!' and don't ever forget that!"
[having finished his speech, Disaster leaves the podium with a grin, as
Axel is already at his seat, chatting with an attractive young woman
in a red evening dress. cut back to Misato, who's holding tightly onto
the podium to keep from falling over.]
Misato: Whoa, man, I want to tell you...those
lemons...sex is...things keep
happening...thermostat...uh, how about we take a
break? Yeah? You like that? Go on. We'll have a
commercial, and...I'll just lay here for a while.
[Misato's head goes "klonk" onto the podium. Shinji can
be seen running out to catch her as she slumps
over.]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPONSORED BY:
YEBISU BREWERIES
AND
ELSIE ELLE FEMININE HYGINE PRODUCTS
[fade up on Rei Ayanami, in her apartment]
Rei: Do you ever get that "not-so-fresh" feeling? I do.
A lot. In between wearing a diving suit that feels
like it's been painted on to me, and standing naked
in a tank full of breathable Mountain Dew syrup, my
privates start feeling awful.
That's why I use this.
[Rei holds up a box big enough to hold a computer
monitor in. On it is written "Elsie Elle High-
Intensity Douche", with a pastel picture of a
seaside in the background]
Rei: When I feel like I need to be cleaned out, I use
Absolute Terror, by Elsie Elle. Their unique
formula gives me all the clensing power I need, but
feels as gentle as a sea breeze. So soon, I'm back
to my normal, springtime-fresh self again.
ABSOLUTE TERROR, BY ELSIE ELLE.
FOR WHEN YOUR OWN LITTLE ANGEL IS INFESTING THE PRIBNOW
BOX.
[fade out]
[fade in trucking across the audience. Some people wave
to the camera, otherwise it's as before.]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPECIAL GUEST HOST:
SHINJI IKARI
[Shinji is standing nervously at the podium.]
Shinji: Uh, hello. Um...Misato...isn't feeling too well,
and so she went to lie down. And Kaji-san's keeping
an eye on her. So, she'll be all right, I guess.
Anyway, I'm sort of standing in for her, and
she said she'd to the laundry for me in exchange. I
don't really want to...but...I guess she talked me
into it. Actually, I'd rather...
Asuka: [off-screen] GET ON WITH IT, BAKA!
Shinji: Sorry, Asuka! Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I didn't
realize I was taking up so much time. Now, Asuka is
going to give out the "Best Poem/Songfic" Award.
[applause. Cut to Asuka, stage right, dressed in the
outfit she wore on her big date. She is sticking
out her tongue at Shinji, but quickly puts it back
in and smiles beautifully at the audience.]
Asuka: Good evening, everyone. I'm so glad that you've
come to our awards ceremony. Tonight I'm going to
be giving out the award for "Best Poem/Songfic",
which isn't a big award, but really an important
one. Poems and songfics are few and far between in
the Evangelion fan fiction community, and I think
it's very important that we honor and encourage
them with their own special award.
Placing, we have Tribute to Shinji, by Robert
Geiger...and the winner is The Raven, by Chewie!
Good job! Well done!
[applause]
Asuka: Sadly, Chewie could not be here with us this evening.
Instead, to accept the award, we have the Angel
Sahaqiel.
[the curtains upstage part to reveal a roll-down screen
several meters wide and a couple high. A la
Episode 12, a large yellow-colored Angel falls
down from the heavens. A second later, it pushes
its "face" back up. A wide mouth opens underneath
its "eye", revealing two teeth. It speaks in a
kind of grandmotherly croaky voice.]
Sahaqiel: Good evening, everyone. It's a pleasure to be
with you here this evening. I wanted to say what
a good job all the poets in Evangelion fandom
have done, and I hope you will continue writing
in the future. Thank you!
[it explodes. The curtains slowly pull shut as the
audience applauds.]
Asuka: I bet you couldn't have done such a good job with
the award, Shinji-kun!
[cut back to Shinji, stammering at the podium]
Asuka: [off-screen] He's just ad-libbing, everybody!
[Shinji looks dead-ahead into the camera, reading off a
TelePrompter. His lines are very stilted, but he
gets them all out in one try]
Shinji: And now, my friend Kensuke Aida will present the
award for "Best Humor Fic".
[cut to stage left. Kensuke walks in in fatigues. He is
holding a can of Yebisu in his left hand. Halfway
across he snaps a salute, then continues marching
to the podium.]
Kensuke: Hey, hoser! Free beer, eh?
[laughter. Kensuke pops the top on his can.]
Kensuke: Obscure, eh? Well, I'm presenting the award for
"Best Humor Fic", which was my second choice...I
wanted to announce a "Gratuitous Death" category,
but they killed the idea.
[rimshot. Laughter and applause. Kensuke takes a swig of
beer.]
Kensuke: But, now, take Asuka. Please.
[extended rimshot. More laughter. A high-heeled shoe
narrowly misses Kensuke's nose.]
Kensuke: Whoa, folks, somebody's been summoning demons.
But, I want to tell ya. The award is "Best Humor
Fic", and placing we have: Garden of Eva, by Jim
Lazar, and Strangely Darkfic, by Godsend777. Let's
give 'em a hand!
[applause]
Kensuke: And the winner is...It's a classic, it's known
to all, and it tastes sooo good, Neon Genesis
Evanjellydonut, by Andrew Huang!
Andrew: Wow. They tell me that I have fans, but....
[Kensuke starts fanning Andrew's butt.]
Andrew: Heh, okay. No, seriously, I am honored to receive
this award. It reminds me that I'm still doing a good job on
Ejd, and that it's worth it to continue--when I can. One of
my worries always is that my quality will slip, so this is a
reminder that my stuff still works. I hope everyone enjoys
the parts yet to be written as much as they've enjoyed the
previous chapters thus far. Thanks again!
[cut to Shinji and Asuka, at center stage]
Asuka: ...and it isn't even FAIR! Hikari-chan hasn't
given out a single award yet, and you're giving out
TWO???
Shinji: But, Asuka...it's not my fault...
Asuka: It's not MY fault, he says. BAKA-SHINJI! You just
want to be greedy, don't you? You're just a selfish
little boy, that's what you are!
Shinji: Asuka!
[Asuka takes off her other shoe and starts hitting
Shinji on the head with it.]
Asuka: You're SELFISH! SELFISH! SELFISH! SELFISH! SELF--
SHINJI, YOU PERVERT! Stop sniffing my shoe!
Shinji: I'm not sniffing your shoe!
Asuka: You are, there, you're sniffling right along the
edge of my shoe!
Shinji: [in between tears] I'M CRYING, ASUKA!
Asuka: Well, you probably are, aren't you?
[she begins driving him off screen stage left.]
Asuka: You're a weak, selfish little pervert who can't
even handle being on the television...
[jump cut to stage right. The podium has been removed.
In its place is Commander Ikari's desk and
Commander Ikari's chair, with Commander Ikari in
between them. He speaks into a microphone.]
Commander: The next award is for "Warm And Fuzzy
Feelings" Fiction. Something of a favorite of
Yui's. Placing is The Child of Love, by Axel
Terizaki, and the winner is The One I Love Is...,
by Alain Gravel.
[the Commander smirks]
[For the second time since the ceremony began, Alain walks on
stage. He's now cleanly shaved and has traded the 'bad guy' look
for grey pants and a blue shirt, with matching tie. He gives the
Commander a smirk as he receives his award, then turns toward
the crowd. He proudly gives a "V for Victory"]
Alain: As we all know, WAFF is a common theme in EVA
fanfiction, and so competition in this category was no doubt fierce.
It's a great honor to have been chosen by you, the readers. Many
thanks.
The main plot of TOILI, many girls trying to get our hero's
love, is a common one; yet it has received incredible positive
feedback. Your words helped this story grow into the epic you all
know. Again, thank you.
I'm now exploring subjects other than EVA romance. In my
current series, Tokyo-3 Baby-Sitters, I try to keep the same
positive view of the EVA universe as I did in TOILI. In other
words... that there will always be hope. Some of my other projects,
however, may not be as pleasant. But whatever happens, I hope that
I'll still be able to give my readers interesting stories to read.
You deserve it.
[Alain bows to the crowd, and leaves the scene]
Commander: Everything is proceeding according to the
plan.
[cut to Misato, standing shakily, at the podium. Her
lipstick is smeared, and there looks to be a hickey
on the top of her left breast.]
Misato: 'lo, everyone. Well, why don't we have another
commercial now, eh? Sound like a good idea? All
right, then.
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPONSORED BY:
YEBISU BREWERIES
AND
MANGA ENTERTAINMENT
PROUD TO RELEASE
OLIVER STONE'S NADIA: THE SECRET OF BLUE WATER
Announcer: From the director of JFK comes a new story of
suspense and cover-ups...
[rapid clip montage. These people could theoretically be
based on the original cast of characters...]
Girl: I want to know who's been dumping radioactive raw
sewage into the blue water! And I want to know NOW!
Boy: But Nadia...I don't think they want us to know!
They'll kill us if they find out!
Girl: Well, fuck those sonsabitches!
Announcer: A young boy and a young girl, fighting for
their lives in the uncaring mechanized society.
Girl: I need to know the truth behind the industrial
pollution!
Old Captain: Forget it, kid. Just take your boy to the
sack and be done with it.
Cute Animal Character: Meow!
Announcer: The story of one person who couldn't live
without the truth...and destroyed her mind, body,
soul and three continents in the process.
Girl: YAAAAAA!
[Girl goes postal on a group of nuns]
Announcer: Featuring the music of Limp Bizkit.
OLIVER STONE'S NADIA: THE SECRET OF BLUE WATER
STARING WHOPPI GOLDBERG AND ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER
SUMMER 2K1
[cut back to Misato, holding an ice pack to her head.
Applause is off-screen]
Misato: Hey, that looked like a pretty good flick. Well,
now we'll have the next award. It's being presented
by young Touji Suzuhara, and it's the "Best
Structure" Award.
[she puts down the ice pack to applaud, then grabs her
head again in pain.]
[cut to stage left. Touji is dressed much like Shinji.
Note that Touji has all his limbs intact.]
Touji: Hey, how'ya doin' this ev'ning. I'm gonna pursent
the award for "Best Structure". An' this goes to
the fan fiction that's got the best words, best
sentence vari'ty, best paragraph ar-rangement, the
one that's just a real pleasure to read from
a...from an ashic...no, wait, ass-tick...hang on a
sec here.
[Touji pulls out a 3x5 notecard and takes a quick look]
Touji: Right. From an _as-thet-ic_ point of view. So,
it's real, real good and stuff. Placing, we all got
Children of an Elder God, by John Biles and Rob M.
[applause.]
Touji: An' da winner of the "Best Structure" Award for
the first ev'r Tako Balls is...The One I Love Is...,
by Alain Gravel!
Alain: Wow... I must admit... I was surprised when I learned I won
that award. I mean... English isn't even my native language! But
apparently, there's people out there who think too highly of me,
and find my writing pleasing.
Thank you.
Also, many thanks to many of my hard working pre-
readers. Part of the honors of this award goes to them as well. It
would be rude of me not to mention their names: Axel Terizaki,
Conley Roberts, David Smith, Darren Demaine, Godsend777,
Jeremy Mullin, Irene Mar, Johnnyboyee, Toh Ee-Loong, and the
lovable Tam Ka-Wing. These people helped me face those
nightmarish beasts called Grammar and Spelling. They helped me
rework scenes that didn't flow very well. They even suggested
scenes of their own. And they didn't ask anything in return; they
simply helped because they liked my work.
You guys are the greatest! Thank you! They deserve to be
congratulated as much as I myself, if not more.
And if I forgot one of you, my sincere apologies. I will
admit, it's hard trying to distinguish who helped with TOILI from
those who help now with Tokyo-3 Baby-Sitters.
[cut to Misato in stage center. The ice pack is off her
head again, slowly melting on top of the podium]
Misato: Thanks, Touji-kun.
Touji: [off-screen] Not a problem, Misato-san!
Misato: Now...that's it, Touji-kun. You're done.
Touji: [off-screen] OK, Misato-san!
Misato: Get offstage already.
Touji: [off-screen] Rightie-oh! G'bye, Misato-san!
Misato: Nice kid. A little slow, sometimes. And now, Rei
is going to hand out one of the "Best
Characterization" Awards.
[applause. Cut to Rei, stage right, dressed in her
kimono from the art books: purple with violet
flowers, and tied at the waist with a maroon obi.
In her hand she clutches a Chinese fan with a
rabbit on it.]
Rei: Good evening. I would like to present the award for
"Best Characterization of the Children." This award
goes to the author who has best understood the
motivations of the three Project E children and
expressed it in writing.
To place, we have EVA-R, by Maher al-Samakir.
[applause. Rei bows in acknowledgement.]
Rei: The winner is a tie. The One I Love Is..., by Alain
Gravel, and Higher Learning, by Strike Fiss.
Alain: Thank you all. While I'm not entirely satisfied with the work
on the Children's characterization in TOILI, specifically Rei, I
still put a lot of work into making them fit somewhat. After reading
the fifth NGE manga, I feel that I didn't do so bad after all.
Obviously, some of you seem to share that opinion. So, thank you
again.
Still, I will admit, writing an entire series from Shinji's
point-of-view was quite a learning experience. Not to mention that,
as far as NGE stories are concerned, it was pretty much the first
time this angle was used in a long story. I would lie if I said I
wasn't proud of managing to make it last up until the end. And I
need to thank Andrew Huang on this. The first part of his series The
Heart, The Soul, more widely known as I Musn't Run Away, has been a
great source of inspiration.
Well, I guess that's not much else to say, except that I'll try
to do an even better job next time!
[cut back to Misato at stage center. It is clear she has
been involved in an argument with Asuka, standing
just behind her. Their expressions show that Asuka
has come out the winner.]
Misato: All right, we're going to have a slight change
in the program. Asuka-chan has...well, she's talked
me into having her friend hand out the next award.
So Hikari-chan will be giving out the other "Best
Characterization" award.
[applause. Cut to Hikari, stage left. She is wearing an
electric blue prom dress and pearls. She has an
embarassed smile on her face, as a result of
Misato's introduction, but she steps up to the
platform without faltering.]
Hikari: Thank you all for coming here this evening. I'm
going to hand out the award for "Best
Characterization of Other Characters." Although
Evangelion's focus is principally on the three
Children, the other characters in the series play
vital roles as well, and deserve just as much
attention.
Placing for this award we have three stories.
EVA-R, by Maher al-Samakir...
[she pauses to lead the applause for this and the other
winners]
Hikari: Higher Learning, by Strike Fiss...and Gospel of
Malachiel, by Douglass Weeks. And the winner of the
"Best Characterization of Other Characters" Award
is...Pages, by Lara Bartram. Congratulations!
[applause]
Hikari: Unfortunately, Lara Bartram can't be here tonight.
So accepting the award in her place is the fourth angel,
Shamsel!
[the angel squeezes its way onto the stage, wraps one
tentacle around the award, grunts, and begins to back out
again.]
Voice: [off-screen] Stop right there!
[the angel freezes.]
Lara: [entering shot] What do you mean, I'm not available?
[Shouldering past the angel, Lara steps out on stage and
marches up to Hikari.]
Lara: Huh? You know, if you had _told_ me about this, I
would have been ready, but since someone neglected to let me
know... Bi****** ************.
[the audience gasps. Hikari turns green. Cut to Misato at
stage center.]
Misato: Wow! Can she say ' Bi****** ************'in an
awards ceremony?
Ritsuko: [entering shot] I knew we shouldn't have done these
live.
Lara: [off-screen] God ****** ***** ****** ******!
Ritsuko: Who here was involved in the Guns 'n Roses
incident?
[in the audience, a bespectacled young man in a black hat
raises his hand]
Ritsuko: Dan, you're fired. Get out. We need a pro on the
bleep button.
Lara: Gimme that G** **** award right now, you piece of sh**
angel m***********!"
[cut to Lara, trying to pull the award from the angel's
tentacle, but the monster seems hesitant for some unknown
reason. In the background, Hikari is breaking down in
horror.]
Lara: I SAID GIMME THE FU***** AWARD!
[with a whimper, Shamsel releases the statue and tries to
back out. Lara charges offstage in hot pursuit. Cut to
Misato in stage center, looking relieved.]
Misato: Whoo! Well done, well done. Folks, we're about
halfway through the program, so we're going to take
another commercial break. Stay tuned, we'll be
right back. Yada yada yada...
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPONSORED BY:
YEBISU BREWERIES
AND
AMERICAN EXPRESS
[fade out on audience applause]
[fade in on the Control Room. The bridge team is
laboring at their computers, Ritsuko looking over
Maya's shoulder. The Commander and Sub-Commander
are at their usual places, looking grim. Misato
rushes in.]
Misato: What's the situation?
Ritsuko: It doesn't look good. The Angel has come out of
its quiescent state faster than we predicted.
Misato: Damn! Any idea why?
Ritsuko: Our prediction was off, that's all.
[cut to a shot of the monitor. Israfel A and Israfel B
are stalking through the Japanese countryside on
their way towards Tokyo-3. Cut back to Misato and
Ritsuko; the latter has her eyes fixed on the
monitor during their exchange.]
Misato: How long do we have? Do we have enough time to
get the Children here?
Ritsuko: At this rate? Yes, but it's going to be tight.
Misato: Will the Angel penetrate--
Ritsuko: Wait. Hold on a second.
Misato: --our defense perim--huh?
[she looks up to the monitor. Israfel A and B have
stopped their walking and are "looking" at one
another.]
Ritsuko: The Angel's stopped moving...
[cut to the Japanese countryside. Israfel A and Israfel
B are talking to one another.]
A: Well, did you check your other pocket?
B: Yes, I checked my other pocket.
A: And? Did you check the luggage?
B: No, we didn't bring any luggage.
A: So maybe it fell out somewhere. Do you want to walk
back and take a look?
B: Yes, of course! I don't want to have to put my goddam
wallet on a chain or anything, that looks so pomo.
A: You shouldn't carry so much cash around in your
wallet, you know. 'Cause if this ever happens
again, you know, we might not find it.
[fade out]
AMERICAN EXPRESS TRAVELER'S CHEQUES
DON'T LEAVE HEAVEN WITHOUT THEM
[fade in on Misato drinking ice water at the podium]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
HOSTED BY:
MISATO KATSURAGI
Misato: Eurgh! I can almost taste the beer in this
water. Now, let's get back on schedule here. We
have our next award, which is the "Good-Bad
Characterization", and it's presented by Kaoru
Nagisa. Take it away, Kaoru!
[cut to stage right. Kaoru enters, hovering about 6
inches off the ground. He's dressed exactly like
Rei. He has his usual enigmatic smile on his face.]
Kaoru: Thank you, thank you very much. Greetings,
Lillin. May the blessings of God be upon thee.
Tonight I will be presenting the award for "Best
Good-Bad Characterization". This is something of an
unusual award. It is to honor those authors who
have deliberately broken character, but done it
successfully. To whit: reason and rationale are
given for this break in character; other characters
in the storyline react to this change; and the
effect is to give us a new view on the original
cast and storyline.
In place for the "Best Good-Bad
Characterization" Award is The One I Love Is..., by
Alain Gravel. Congratulations.
[applause]
Kaoru: And the winner of the First Tako Ball "Best Good-
Bad Characterization" Award is...Shinji the
Cassanova, by Strike Fiss. Well done!
Strike: Fan-fiction is a very strange thing to people like
me. For all intensive purposes, it's a hobby. Something to
read or write if you enjoy something that already exists in
the world of anime or otherwise. It lets you use your
imagination to slice and dice plots, characters and
situations to your heart's content.
For me, however, it's been more than that. Not so much the
fiction itself, but rather, the People behind it are
something so much more than a hobby, or a pastime like this
would ever be expected to have. This is more than just a
group of people flexing their creative muscle, trying, in
their opinions, to better and expand the things they admire
and love. It is also a way for people with similar tastes
to find each other and collaborate. For great friendships
to begin and many boring evenings to have a purpose.
And so, it is with the knowledge that I am in a crowd of
peers that allows me to convey my humblest, most sincere
thank-you today. To be chosen to receive any award is honor
enough...however, when it is decided by the readers,
writers, and fellow fans of something you yourself enjoy so
much, these awards carry that much more weight to me.
A few special thank-yous go out, of course, to the two
pioneering Eva Series writers out there: Alain Gravel and
Alex Terizaki. And not just because of their writings:
Rather, I would not have seen Evangelion without their
stories so fresh in my mind, urging me to obtain the series
so I could know more of the amazing things that they wrote
about. Without their stories, I would have never known what
I was missing. ^_^
Also, to everyone who participated in the Tako Balls...and
hopefully...many more who will participate in the future.
It's all our duty to get the new guys hooked. ^_^ Spread
the gospel. If you haven't already gotten three or four
friends and family members hooked on Eva...well...get
started! Heheh.
But, I suppose the real thanks goes out to all you who read
Eva fiction...or anything done by humble fans like ourselves
for ANY series. Drop the writers a line sometimes. ^_^
They love to hear from you. And thank you...keep reading,
keep dreaming, and I hope you get to meet the kind of great
people I have had the pleasure of meeting in the process.
Farewell, goodnight, and don't let the Mass Production Evas
bite! Thank you!
[cut to Misato in stage center. All the ice is slowly
melting into a pot on the podium. She's writing
something down for Makoto on a note pad.]
Misato: It doesn't matter what brand you get, whatever
kind you like.
Makoto: But, Major...
Misato: Come on, be a sport. It'll only take a few
minutes.
Makoto:...I was supposed to hand out the next award...
Misato: Shinji can do it. Now, go on, shoo. Shoo.
Shinji!
[Shinji rushes on stage, wiping something off of his
mouth and adjusting his clothes]
Shinji: Yes, Misato-san?
Misato: Shinji, Hyuga-kun has to run out and get some
groceries for me, will you announce the next award?
Shinji: Uh, Misato-san, I'm kind of busy right now...
Misato: It'll only take a minute. Then you can get back
to what you were doing.
Shinji: Well, I'd just really, really like to keep going
at it...I mean...
[enter Kaoru.]
Kaoru: Shinji...I can wait for you...
[Shinji turns and walks to stage right. He can be heard
muttering "I mustn't run away" under his breath.]
Shinji: Good evening. The next award is...for "Most
Original Idea." This is to honor an author's
creativity, and...stuff. In place is Higher
Learning by Strike Fiss.
[applause]
Shinji: And the winner is Children of an Elder God by
John Biles and Rod M.
Shinji: Here to accept for them is Romanmiel, Angel of
Bread. [pause] Huh, I don't remember that one.
[a small crusty brown loaf-shaped object hovers up onto stage,
silently bends itself in half to bow, and then
exits, taking the award away.]
[as Shinji turns left away from the platform, cut to
Misato stage center]
Misato: See, Shinji? That wasn't so bad. And now, to
present the "Best New Character" Award, is Shinji's
soul!
[Shinji is in the background as this announcement is
made. He looks perplexedly at his midsection, as if
he were expecting his liver to be sticking out as
evidence of his spirit's departure. Cut to stage
left. Hovering in midair is a winged anteater. It
is dressed up, with a collar and black tie around
its neck, and spats on its feet. It has an
expensive analog watch on its wrist. Its voice
sounds sort of like Shinji's, only more nasal.]
Soul: Good evening, everyone. It's a real, real pleasure
to be here this evening. I'm going to present the
award for "Best New Character" in an Evangelion fan
fic. Author Created Characters have traditionally
been regarded with disdain in fan fic circles,
but I'm pleased to say that the Evangelion
community has created some memorable new people.
Placing is young Aoi Tamashii, from EVA-R.
Well done!
[applause]
Soul: And the winner of the "Best New Character" award
is Kaoru Miyazaki, from Higher Learning. Let's have
a round of applause!
Strike: I don't really have anything more to say, so...
[as he bows, Kaoru N. enters from stage left]
Kaoru: You're Shinji's soul? Did I hear that right?
Soul: Yes, you did.
Kaoru: Is it true, what they say about the size of a
man's soul's nose?
[Shinji's soul blushes furiously]
Soul: I wouldn't know.
Kaoru: Well, why don't we find out?...Shin-kun?
[Shinji, looking simultaneously miserable and excited,
follows Kaoru and his soul offstage. Cut to Misato
at stage center.]
Misato: Shinji-kun, Kaworu-kun, please try to keep it
clean. Now, we're going to have a brief video
presentation of the "Best Scene" Award nominees.
[the stage lights dim, and the curtains behind Misato
part to reveal...Sachiel. Not as big as the original but
still standing an impressive 5 meters or so. Sachiel
quickly scoots out of the way to reveal a large screen,
on which the following titles and scenes are projected.]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
BEST SCENE CATEGORY
TO PLACE: NGE - REVELATION, CHAPTER 8
(Misato keeps an eye on Fuyutsuki as he punches in the code
combination for the door - 211 382. Misato quickly memorizes
the number in case she has to use it.)
Fuyutsuki: (grimly) Here we are.
(The door opens - the room beyond is dark, but even as
Misato looks in, lights slowly begin to warm up, filling the
room with a soft yellow glow.)
Fuyutsuki: We found that they were unusually.. sensitive to
normal light. We've had to take steps.
Misato: (confused) Where are they?
(Misato's question is answered, but not by either of the
scientists who accompany her. The light grows, slowly
illuminating the three objects that dominate the room.
TO PLACE: HERZ, CHAPTER 12
The monoliths of SEELE watched in disdain as Units
Zero-II, One and Two appeared before Headquarters. Unit One
bore the Lance of Longinus in its grip.
SEELE 05: So the loss of the Lance was their doing. No
matter, we shall regain it soon enough.
SEELE 07: The reconstruction of Eva Unit 02 is unexpected
but it will come to nothing. They will be no match for our
forces.
SEELE 12: Yes. We will destroy Units Zero and Two. Only Unit
One isrequired for Instrumentality. HERZ's moment of doom
has arrived.
TO PLACE: HOLDING HANDS
"Show me." she smiles. "Show me the notes?"
I walk over to her and kneel down so I'm eye-level with her.
"Okay, first, put your hand..."
"No!" she sighs, frustrated. "I can't learn anything that
way. Here..." she scoots forward on the chair.
It takes me a moment to realize she wants me to sit behind
her. "W... what?"
"Sit behind me." she says. "Come on, it's just like back in
Unit 02. You can't show me unless you're sitting with me."
she explains.
THE WINNER OF THE TAKO BALL AWARD FOR BEST SCENE:
THE ONE I LOVE IS..., CHAPTER 12
Asuka was lying still on the bed. She was very pale
and had lost a lot more weight in the last few weeks.
Doctors were amazed that she actually managed to live
through all the numerous operations she had undergone.
Even now as I looked at her, her left eye and right arm
were in bandages, after some American specialist had
tried a new experimental neural regenerative treatment
on her. The man had high hopes for her arm, but not for
her eye. The damage to her optical nerve and to her
retina had been too extensive. She would never see from
that eye ever again. That is, if she would open her eyes
at all.
It was almost ironic. The assault against NERV had
pulled her out of a catatonic sleep only to throw her
into a coma at the end.
[Sachiel peeks out from behind the curtain as the
montage fades and the lighs come back up. As the
audience's applause dies down (Hey! Fanfic at a fanfic
awards ceremony!) Alain comes to the center podium]
Alain: Hello again. I must say that I'm extremely pleased
that this TOILI scene won this award. It means a lot to me.
While I left all possibilities open in the writing of TOILI,
I intended from the start to eventually end with that scene.
It took a lot of work to get there. An entire year. Twelve
chapters and a prologue. All that to get to that scene.
I must admit, I've been very nervous all along about
the readers reaction to it. What if they didn't like it?
What if they didn't agree with Shinji's choice? What if the
reasons I gave for that choice were not good enough?
Thankfully, feedback on this has been generally good, even
among a majority of Rei fans...although, there still were a
few who expressed their "deepest disappointment in a great
story with a lousy ending". But then, I knew from the start
that I wouldn't be able to satisfy everyone. I'm satisfied
that most people agreed with me. And this award adds greatly
to this satisfaction. Thank you.
[Misato has gotten an extension cord from somewhere and is
swinging it around absently.]
Misato: All right! Well, now we're going to take another
quickie break here for a commercial. So stay tuned,
we've got plenty more fun coming your way this
evening.
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPONSORED BY:
YEBISU BREWERIES
AND
EVA BRAND CONDOMS
[fade out. Fade in on Ritsuko, in her college years,
smoking a cigarette. As in the flashback episode,
she is voicing over a letter to her mother.]
Ritsuko: Dear Mother. Well, I found out where my
roommate was all weekend. She was having non-stop
sex with her boyfriend. And the whole weekend, they
only used ONE CONDOM.
[blackout]
EVA BRAND CONDOMS
WHEN YOU NEED PROTECTION AS STRONG AS AN A T FIELD
[fade in on the audience. It looks slightly smaller than
it did before, as if some people have skipped out
early.]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
HOSTED BY:
MISATO KATSURAGI
[at the podium, Misato has plugged a hot plate into the
extension cord and is boiling water in a pot.]
Misato: [talking to someone off-camera] I'll pay you
back on Tuesday, OK? OK? All right. Well, the next
award is for "Best Use of Source Material" and it's
given out by...none other than Pen-Pen!
[tremendous applause. Pen-Pen waddles out onto stage
right. He's been dressed up in a coat and tie. He
hops up onto the podium and speaks into the
microphone directly. He sounds vaguely like the
late, great George Burns, rather than Megumi
Hayashibara.]
Pen-Pen: Good evening, everyone. I'm here tonight to
give out the "Best Use of Source Material" Award.
This award's for those brave folks who've tried to
understand Evangelion to the utmost--its
philosophy, its relationship to Japanese culture,
and how the makers themselves influenced the story.
Coming up close for this one is Children of an
Elder God, by John Biles and Rod M. Way to go, kid.
[applause]
And for the winner, I'm pleased to say we got
ourselves a tie. EVA-R, by Maher al-Samakir, and
Ascent of the Fallen, by Sparky Clarkson. Well
done, boys! Well done!
Sparky: Well, I'm really flattered to receive this award...
as a Deist, I'm not often complimented for my understanding
of theology. I'd like to first thank everyone who voted for
me. If it weren't for my fans, I'd probably seem even
weirder to everyone who knows I write fanfic. I'd also like
to thank my research assistant, chibi-Yoda [waves around a
tiny Yoda figurine], who helped me in the research for both
versions of the story. I'd also like to thank Paul and
Suzanne (the wonder twins), as well as Brian, Lana, and
Shana, who are all too cute. Last but not least, thanks to
my pre-readers, who have included: Disaster, Simon, Lee,
Aivars, and James. Without them this would never have gotten
done. And since I also hate really long acceptance speeches,
that's all I'm gonna say.
[cut directly to stage left. Shigeru, wearing all black
and sporting a conspicuous earring in his left ear,
walks on stage.]
Shigeru: Good evening, thank you all for coming here
tonight. I'll be giving the award for "Best Use of
Non-NGE Elements". This is to cite all those
authors who've had to go the extra mile for their
fanfics, and do research outside of the Evangelion
canon; into other animes, into scientific
literature, or what have you.
We have a three way tie for place between..
Misato: [off camera] RAMEN!
[Shigeru turns to his right. Cut to stage center. Misato
is mixing seasoning packets and oil into the pot
while Shinji and Asuka, at her side, look on
glumly. Cut back to Shigeru, who's slightly
flustered.]
Shigeru: Ah...yes. Ramen, by Toh Ee Loong; Paradise
Lost, by Andy Kent; and the OFF Series, by
Austin Convello. And the winner is, Children of an
Elder God, by John Biles and Rod M.
[applause]
[as before, Romanmiel accepts the award in silence.]
[cut to stage center. Misato, looking on from up
stage, watches as Asuka and Shinji poke uncertainly
at the pot full of ramen with chopsticks.
Reluctantly, each one lifts out a single noodle and
places it into their mouth. A la Lady and the
Tramp, both noodles turn out to be ends of a single
noodle. Shinji's and Asuka's mouths are pulled
together in an unexpected kiss. However, when their
lips meet, Asuka grabs ahold of the pot of ramen
and hits Shinji over the head with it, knocking him
unconscious. Cut to Ritsuko at stage right.]
Ritsuko: Hello, I'm going to give out the "Best Kiss".
[enter Maya from offstage]
Maya: SEMPAI!
Ritsuko: The "Best Kiss" AWARD. The award, Maya.
Maya: Oh. Well, can I help you give it?
Ritsuko: Certainly.
[rapid series of quick cuts: Misato looking at Kaji;
Touji looking at Hikari; the Commander looking at a
model of Eva-01; Kaoru looking at Shinji; Asuka
looking in a mirror; Pen-Pen looking at a Ryo-oh-ki
plushie. Cut back to Maya and Ritsuko, standing
close together.]
Ritsuko: Coming up in place, we have Shinji the
Cassanova, by Strike Fiss. And the winner is
Holding Hands, by Strike Fiss. Well done!
[Strike, holding his other awards in his arms, blushingly
accepts the award]
[cut to Misato at stage center. Shinji, Asuka and Pen-
Pen can be seen in the background, wiping out their
mouths with napkins.]
Misato: And now, Hyuga-kun is going to give a special
award for shorts. Hee hee hee!
[cut to Makoto at stage left. He is looking
uncomfortable with his introduction and laughs
weakly.]
Makoto: Ah. Ha ha ha. Thank you and good evening. I'm
going to be giving out the award for the best SHORT
STORY. This is a story of approximately 1000 words.
And it's very interesting, because there is a four-
way tie for place. We have--please hold your
applause to the end--we have Death, Rebirth and
Everything In Between by Jon Gaters, Lost Love by
Alain Gravel, Two Salarymen by Lara Bartram and
Sleet, and Video Daze, by Les Robb. Well done, all
of you.
[sweep rapidly across the audience, catching the authors
as they bow.]
Makoto: And the winner of the First Tako Ball Awards
Award for Best Short Story is...Asuka Langley, Ex-
Poser, by Ka-Wing Tam. Congratulations!
[A Chinese girl wearing a pair of glasses, a blue-
collared shirt and khaki slacks makes her way to the
front.]
Ka-Wing: Uh, hi, how are you all?" [Looks at the prize
she is holding in her hand.] Well, first off, to
everyone who read the story and liked it, a big thank
you! [Breaks into a grin and half-salutes the
audience.] Second of all, I gotta thank everyone who
voted for me. You guys have taste! Thirdly, I gotta
thank everyone who -didn't- vote for me, because, I
gotta thank Paul Jennings as well. Remember Paul
Jennings? Anyone out there who knows Paul Jennings?
Hands up those who do.
[One or two hands go up.]
Ka-Wing: That's what I thought. To those of you who
don't know him, which should be almost every one of you
living outside Australia--
Various members of the audience: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
OZZIE!!
Ka-Wing: [grins] --I see the folks from down under are
showing their support... beautiful country, Australia...
haven't been back in at least 7 years... God, I miss the
place. Anyway, Paul Jennings is a writer from Australia,
and he's the author of many stories for kids, including
an amusing little piece called Ex Poser... which, some
of you may remember, is on what I based 'Asuka Langley,
Ex-Poser.' Most of the people who read it liked it, and
some were kind enough to tell me so. A few were sharp
enough to recognise exactly how much I took from the
original Ex Poser and were kind enough to inform me too.
Pretty sharp of them, since I think Ex Poser was written
more than 10 years ago. Technically, what I wrote should
have been placed under the category of 'Best use of non-
NGE elements' and then it wouldn't have stood a chance
of winning, for... obvious reasons.
So, I don't really deserve this award. I would
rather the one I wrote about apples have gotten
something... now, that's a fic that I like... but I
digress. EVA fanfiction is a good thing. I really hope
you guys keep up the good work, and continue to write,
not for acclaim or recognition like this-- [Lifts the
prize] --but because you really enjoy doing it. That's
what really matters. To conclude, I'd like to
acknowledge the masterminds behind this event -- the
members of the Tako Ball committee, who themselves are
great writers and important contributors to the EVA
fanfiction society. They deserve a clap on the back, a
round of applause, and your sincere support. Thank you.
[cut to Misato, at stage center. The Children are
nowhere to be seen.]
Misato: Only YOU would find statistics interesting,
Hyuga-kun.
[the few self-conscious chuckles from the audience are
silenced as medics can be seen carrying Shinji and
Asuka off on stretchers. Another medic has Pen-Pen
under an arm. A sixth, in a HazMat bunny suit, is
carrying the suspect pot offstage.]
Misato: Well, everybody, that's a lot of awards we've
handed out here; so why don't we pay a few bills
now. Don't go away, we'll be back in just a couple
of minutes.
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
SPONSORED BY:
YEBISU BREWERIES
AND
SEELE RECORDS
[fade in on an anonymous warehouse. A band is playing--
drums, bass, guitar and keyboard. The front man,
Shigeru, is strumming chords on an acoustic guitar
and singing into a microphone.]
Announcer: SEELE Recordings is proud to announce the
newest album from Aoba and the Disposable Fifth
Children.
Shigeru: [singing]
I'm stuck in the Geofront, a single lonely boy,
A Shinji with a little more spine,
If I'm really lucky, I star in ya-o-i,
But more often I don't get any lines...
Announcer: Won't Anyone Pay the Least Attention to Me--
now available in stores everywhere. Featuring the
hit single, "I Am a Real Person Too, Folks".
[fade in on Misato, speaking to one of the medics at the
podium]
THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKO BALL AWARDS
HOSTED BY:
MISATO KATSURAGI
Misato: ...a stomach pump will do, I don't think you
need to--hey! We're back, everybody. Glad to have
you with us this evening. And now we're going to
present the "Best Longer Story, One-Shot" Award,
and it's going to be presented by the Magi. [thinks
about it for a moment] What?
[cut to Central Dogma. A special podium with a special
monitor is set up. On the screen are three Tux
penguins. Stage left to right, they have "M", "C"
and "B" written on their chests. They're singing
and dancing.]
Magi: Oh, we're the Magi and we're OK, we compute all
night and process all day!
Melichor: We run defense for Tokyo, we slide it up and
down!
We like to crash on Maya 'cause she's so cute when she
frowns!
Magi: Oh, we're the Magi and we're OK, we compute all
night and process all day!
Caspar: We monitor the Geofront and keep it safe from
harm!
When Kaji gets too nosy, we set off the alarms!
Magi: Oh, we're the Magi and we're OK, we compute all
night and process all day!
Balthazar: We make up songs that are fun to sing, though
the rhymes may be mornonic!
But our relationship with Ir-o-el is much less than
platonic!
Magi: Oh, we're the Magi and we're all riiiiiight, we
compute all day and process all night!
Caspar: Thank you! Thank you very much.
Melichor: And now, the "Best Longer Story" award for a
one-shot story greater than 1000 words. This is NOT
a series, this is a single episode story.
Caspar: In place, we have Holding Hands, by Strike Fiss.
Well done!
Balthazar: And the winner of the award is...drums
please!
[Caspar and Melichor begin beating their wings up and
down, as though they were drumming on the monitor's
screen]
Balthazar: Shinji the Cassanova, by Strike Fiss.
Congratulations!
[Strike rises up through the floor on the Commander's platform
and silently takes the award from next to the monitor]
[back at the Awards Ceremony, stage center. Misato is
looking perplexedly off into space. Standing behind
her are several different Rei Ayanamis. One is
dressed in the kimono. One is in her plug suit. One
is in her school uniform. One is standing behind
the others, and for all we know, could be buck
naked.]
Misato: Boy, it's been a long time since I saw anything
that weird. Now, for the Best Serial Award, we have
SEELE Chairman Keel Lorenz.
[cut to stage right. Lorenz is sitting at a desk much
like the Commander's. He is half-hidden behind a
large black monolith with "SEELE-01 SOUND ONLY" on
the front. He is doing a very bad ventriloquist
voice out of the side of his mouth.]
Lorenz: The time has come for mankind to embark on its
greatest ever experiment: the creation of a longer
work of fan fiction of multiple parts. Fan fiction
cannot evolve any longer. But it can be redeemed.
It can be redeemed only by intent and the action of
seizing its own destiny. Through the
Instrumentality of Fan Fiction...
[his grip on the monolith slips and it falls over,
breaking into several pieces. Hurridly, Lorenz
coughs and ad-libs a close.]
Lorenz: Er, and now, I will present the award. For Best
Serial, in place, we have Higher Learning, by
Strike Fiss. And the winner, who will direct
mankind's future...[coughs again]...the winner of
the Tako Ball Award is The One I Love Is..., by
Alain Gravel.
Alain: Best serial. I can't see how I could ask for a
greater honor. To think that my story was chosen over all
the great serials out there... it's hard to believe.
One more time, many thanks to you, my fans. It's a
great joy to know that you wrote something and that so many
readers out there enjoyed reading it. I don't think there
can be better reward for a writer.
[Bows to the audiance before leaving the scene]
[cut back to Misato at the podium. The Reis have
disappeared for the moment.]
Misato: And now, I get to present an award. Yep! I'm
going to present the Award for Best Author, and the
winner gets a kiss. In place, we've got Axel
Terizaki and Alain Gravel for their excellent fan
fictions. But the winner, the man of the hour, is
Strike Fiss! Congratulations!
[she gives him a kiss--a la the kiss she gave Shinji in
Shinji the Cassanova--as he approaches the podium.
Strike can be heard muttering "I mustn't run away"
as he accepts.]
[cut to stage left. Touji and Kensuke are standing at
the podium. They are trying to squash their
smirking.]
Kensuke: Hi, everyone.
Touji: H'lo.
Kensuke: We get to give out the next Tako Ball.
Touji: 'Cause we asked to.
Kensuke: We went down on our knees...
Touji: ...an' we begged for it.
Kensuke: And they let us give it.
Touji: It's the "Funniest Line Award..."
Kensuke: And it goes to Shinji the Cassanova...
[Touji and Kensuke drop to their knees and begin bowing
in the direction of the stage-left curtain.]
Touji and Kensuke: Tetsutama-kakka! Tetsutama-kakka!
[the audience erupts, chanting "Tetsutama-kakka!
Tetsutama-kakka!" as a very, very reluctant Shinji
is shoved out on stage by Kaoru, Shigeru, Makoto
and Kaji. Shinji shakes Strike's hand as he comes
to the platform to accept. As the other cast members
shake Strike's hand, Kaji walks off-camera to his right.
Cut to stage right. Kaji stands at the podium.]
Kaji: Good evening. I would like to present tonight's
final award, the "Peripeteia Award". A peripeteia
is a rhetorical device, in which there is a sudden
shift in the direction of a storyline.
[a shot rings out. Kaji slumps over on the platform,
dead. Cut to stage left--Yui Ikari, holding a
smoking gun, walks out on stage. She is dressed in
a plug suit and has clips in her hair.]
Commander: [off-screen] Yuh-yui?
Shinji: Kaa-san?
Misato: [entering shot] I thought you were dead!
Yui: Not anymore!
[a shot rings out. Yui slumps down dead. From stage
right, Kimono Rei Ayanami enters, holding a smoking
gun.]
Rei: Bitch! Nobody gets between me and the Commander!
Ritsuko: [running on stage with a gun] That's my line!
Die!
[she shoots Rei, who drops down dead. Plug Suit Rei
rushes on stage, grabs the gun and shoots wildly.
She misses by a mile. But the bullet plugs Kaworu
in the chest. He slumps down into Shinji's arms.]
Ritsuko: Kaworu-chan!
[she shoots Plug Suit Rei, killing her, and then rushes
to Kaworu's aid.]
Ritsuko: Kaworu-chan, no, you can't die on me...don't
leave me here alone...
[cut to the audience, to demonstrate that there's a good
deal of confusion going on, then back to Ritsuko,
Shinji and Kaworu. Misato enters the shot as Kaworu
opens his eyes.]
Kaworu: It's all right, kaa-san...this is the way things
were meant to be.
Shinji: Kaworu...chan? 'Kaa-san'?
Misato: Ritsuko, what's going on?
Ritsuko: It's like this...Kaworu's morphology is based
on my own genotype. There would have been no way
for him to get into the Geofront, no matter how
human he looked, without some kind of human genetic
interference. When they found out that I had lost
faith in the Commander, Seele contacted me about
becoming the donor for the genotype...I am, after a
fashion, Kaworu's mother.
Shinji: Kaworu...does that make us...step-brothers?
Kaworu: Shinji-kun, your love and mine was never meant
to be. We long to be together, but like the night
and the day, we are opposites. Please...live for
me. Be happy. You can find happiness with Asuka,
who needs your love and--
[Asuka storms into the shot.]
Asuka: WHAT? You dare set up the great Asuka Langley
with this baka? WA-TAK!
[she delivers a smart karate chop to Kaworu's head,
killing him instantly. Ritsuko doubles up in
emotional agony, and the gun slips from her grip.
It goes off, shooting through the back stage
curtain. Sachiel drops through the curtain, dead. A
Chibi-Rei toddles out on stage, holds up a sign
saying "SCORE: REI 5 EVERYONE ELSE 2" and toddles
back off-stage.]
Kaji: [off-screen] I'm not quite dead.
[cut to Kaji. He is bleeding like a river from his face
and can barely see the note card clutched in his
left hand.]
Kaji: And the winner...*gasp*...is Neon Genesis
Evanjellydonut, for having Rei...*gasp*...develop
her own cabinet personality.
[unable to raise his head from where it's slumped, he
simply nods and tries to pay attention as Andrew
dashes on stage to grab the award.]
Andrew: [something at a loss for words] Well. I had no idea
that this would be something that'd win an award. Of
the many elements of Ejd I've done, I'm particularlyl
fond of the Council of Rei, and all the subparts of
her personality which, well, come alive in her dreams.
I'm glad y'all like it too. Certainly gives me a lot
more potential for good laughs. :) Thanks.
[the stage is in shambles. By Sachiel's corpse, the
Commander is delegating a broom and a mop to
Shigeru and Makoto, while Fuyutsuki looks on
impassively. Maya is singing a gentle lullabye to
the distraught Ritsuko. Kaji has been joined my
Misato, Asuka and Shinji.]
Kaji: Misato...I love...
Misato: ...*gulp* yes?
[Asuka reflexively grasps Shinji. Shinji places a hand
on Asuka's.]
Kaji: Misato...always...I tried to tell you so many
years ago...I will always...love...
Misato: ...Kaji!...
Kaji: ...your cooking.
Asuka: Baka-Kaji! WA-TAK!
[Asuka wa-taks Kaji over the head with Shinji, killing
him. Stunned, Misato wanders to stage center. She
starts to say something, can't find the words, and
falls silent. She looks around her at the
devistation, at the confusion of the audience. She
glances down. Chibi-Rei is pulling at her dress.
She proffers Misato a can of Yebisu with both
hands. Misato accepts it, drinks it in one shot,
and says into the camera...]
Misato: And now, a brief word from our sponsors.
[cut to a Canadian, a Frenchman and an American seated
in the audience. Behind them, the audience can be
seen filing towards the doors.]
Alain: Ye. Ye.
Axel: Bi.
Alain: Ye.
Dan: Su.
Axel: Bi.
Alain: Ye.
Axel: Bi.
Dan: Su.
Alain: Ye...
Axel: Bi...
Dan: Su...
[they look at each other with shock. Blackout.]
THE 2000 TAKO BALL AWARDS
NO OCTOPI WERE HARMED IN THE PRODUCTION
OF THIS AWARDS CEREMONY.
--
This ceremony has been the joint work of Axel Terizaki, Alain Gravel and
Daniel Snyder. It was inspired by Megane 6.7's Chicken Ball Awards, but
was orchestrated independently from that enterprise. Special thanks to
Andrew Huang and the Fauth Brothers for their jokes. Romanmiel, Angel of
Bread first made an appearance in "Need-Your-Genius-It's Eva-Slay-a-Thon",
a crossover written by Dan in Kathy Hassinger's Gourrigan's Island
series.
Note: The raw results and other stuff are available on the Tako Balls Awards
homepage: http://aterizak.free.fr/takoballs
Axel Terizaki <aterizak@free.fr>
ASUKA's Notebook <http://www.asukanotebook.com.bi>
Saturday LAN Fever <http://saturdaylanfever.free.fr>
IRCNet: #teri-chan