Hello Thryth,
I'll be asking questions throughout that'll probably
be answered in the end. Throw in an actual critique
one in a while if I notice something.
At 10:17 PM 9/28/00 -0700, you wrote:
Kodachi smiled as she touched down in front of her
family estate. She had a wonderful idea coming to a
'Another perfect landing!'
boil in her head and wanted to see if it would work.
Interesting phrase. Is boil really the word you want,
though? to fruition? budding?
Then there was the curse, and she did know
about the curse though she preferred not to let on to
that. She could stand having a gender-switching
friend, but a husband? Still, teasing the
argumentative pair was one of her greatest pleasures.
Besides, she didn't know any other way to relate to
them, and Ranma and Akane were the closest she had to
friends.
I rather like this characterization. I'm just assuming
she doesn't have many friends and so doesn't know how
to act around her 'friends' so she's falling into the
pattern of how she acted around them before.
rage. The dark-haired girl was on her brother in
flash. She pulled the shocked swordsman up by his
neck, causing him to release his grip around his
captive's throat. Kodachi jabbed the club into his
<snippage>
room. It was enough for someone with Kodachi's
experience to confirm the influence of some kind of
drug. Considering some of the shouts, she suspected
an aphrodisiac. This was all second nature to her,
and did not distract from her main purpose. Kodachi
I've read ahead a little bit. Ranma is drugged,
came on to Kuno... but why is Kuno choking Ranma?
Ranma came on to him then started to resist?
***************************************************
Ranma noticed as the last remnant of her body's
desire faded away. It wasn't a comfort. If the curse
could do it once, it could do it again. Maybe next
time she wouldn't even be able to fight it like she
had this time. She didn't even notice the pain as she
set her shoulder back into joint, that was a familiar
sensation.
"Yeah, I was so busy with fighting the damn curse,
that Kuno...beat me," Ranma said flatly. The samurai
imo: busy fighting
would probably still be trying to "break the spell on
his pig-tailed goddess" if Kodachi hadn't come home.
Hm. Is Kuno more aware of things like this Kodachi?
Wouldn't he be elated if Ranko came on to him?
Considering everything else she was only barely
surprised that she owed her escape to the Black Rose,
especially as it came way too late.
Kuno did it... _then_ tried to 'cure' her?
~It's probably a good idea to go soon, before they
notice I'm gone,~ Ranma thought blandly. She was
burned out, and struggling to find a way to hide this.
She couldn't think of one,
~Akane was worried about the wrong people,~ Ranma
groaned. There was no way she could marry Akane now.
Extra space before the last sentence in the first paragraph.
And shouldn't the ~Akane was~ be up there in the same
para?
If her mother ever found out about this she would be
cutting her belly. The idea was beginning to hold
some merit for her actually.
this, she ?
She didn't want to live through life afraid that at
some point her curse would take over again. She
thought she could maybe stand it if she started to
find guys physically attractive. She found Ukyou and
Wouldn't this increase, not decrease, his homophobia?
Shampoo physically attractive, it hadn't affected what
she felt for Akane. She could not stand life knowing
What does that have to do with finding guys attractive?
that, maybe, at some point she would have to fight for
control over her bodies simplest motions. The curse
didn't even have any taste.
Taro, now there was a man a girl could fall in love with!
sound of game stones being placed. Soun and Genma
were probably out "planning" at the local bar. She
couldn't tell if Nabiki were home, but she probably
Nabiki was home or alternatively Nabiki was around
"Ranma!" Kasumi shouted. "Your safe, I'm
You're
Kasumi, Ranma. Its Kasumi!" Ranma's struggles
It's
"It was the ramen," Ranma continued, still needing to
explain. "She drugged the ramen and I couldn't fight,
and, and he…" Kasumi tried not to gasp as the
While I can see the ellipses after he, they look to be in
a Word format that someone else's email might not be able to
read.
Akane was to her room before Kasumi even began to
follow. As Kasumi had said, Ranma was sleeping on her
bed. She, and Akane didn't bother to ask why he was
Why would Kasumi need to ask the question?
"Not a girl," Ranma muttered in her sleep. Akane
blinked as the redhead began to toss and turn. "Don't
want to! Ahhhh...Noooo...mmm Don't want to! Akane!"
I'm not sure but I don't think Don't needs to be
capitalized unless there is some sort of punc. before it.
"There's something else, isn't there," Akane asked.
"What hap…" She thought back to Ranma's nightmare
upstairs. Akane paled. "Oh no…Kasumi…he wasn't…"
More Word Ellipses.
"I didn't ask him any questions," Kasumi said. "But
I gather he was drugged and then…raped…yes."
And more.
"Shampoo, the last time I saw him he was flirting
with Shampoo," Akane growled. "I…tossed him out of
the school…its…its my fault. He must have hit the
pool." Kasumi came around the table to comfort her
sister, who was descending into uncontrolled crying.
More ellipses and those its should be it's
"But…"
. . .
"This is NOT your fault," Kasumi repeated firmly.
Akane shook her head slightly, but did not argue
verbally.
Good characterization of Akane. Very human.
*********************************
he's probably dreaming about it right now.~ Ryouga
had also conveniently edited out everything but the
moans.
I forget who stated it first but, "This bodes."
"Bwee!" Ryouga did his best to warn Akane about the
presence of her potential attacker, as he saw it.
As he saw it? He's the one viewing Ranma as an intruder.
"Raped? Technically no, but...ask me later okay?
Didn't say yes, didn't say no?
"Can I help you Kuno-san?" Kasumi asked, her normal
tone was understandably strained.
you, Kuno-san?
"I can deal with that later," Nabiki said. "I'm not
going half-cocked to the Nekohanten alone. Akane's
too volatile, and I'm not sure she can beat Shampoo
alone, much less the three of them if this goes wrong.
Nabiki is a martial artist now?
It'll have to be tomorrow, or even later after I find
Extra space before the line.
"Leave me alone," Ranma insisted. "If I hadn't
freaked when I found out the curse was locked you
wouldn't know anything about it. I can handle this
Is it locked because he's pregnant?
"If you want to cry, Ranma, its okay," she whispered.
"If anyone deserves it right now you do." Ranma
Extra space before the line.
"Yes, well she did say that she would be over later
Yes, well, ?
"Ranma," Akane said as soon as they were alone again.
"Hmm?" Ranma asked, still putting on her non-chalant
act.
Extra line in there.
Ryouga finally found the bathroom after several
detours that seemed to cover every inch of Nabiki's
room, though he was certain that had managed to get
out of it at least once before.
that he had - or - that he'd
Dinner downstairs looked on the surface to be normal.
Though Ranma and Genma's normal food war was totally
Extra space before that last line.
"You're one to talk Oyaji," Ranma snorted. "Could
you like breathe down wind, I don't like smelling sake
all through dinner."
talk, Oyaji, ?
"Its always the quiet ones," Ranma muttered looking
It's
"Shut up Ranma, I'm too tired to fight today," Ryouga
shouted back. "Its been a long day..." The glares he
It's
"Excuse me, please," Nabiki said standing up and
stomping towards Ryouga. "I just remembered some
business I have to attend to. Let's go have a chat
Hibiki."
chat, Hibiki."
"Shut up until I let you speak," Nabiki instructed
him. Ryouga's jaw snapped shut. "Let me guess, you
don't think its wrong, do you. You're not forcing her
it's
to do anything. She carries you around all of her own
free will, am I right?"
It's not quite rape, what he does, but it is a huge
violation of trust.
"You will not say anything for at least this week,"
Nabiki said. "And I'll tell you if I think its safe
it's
you up a box in my room. I think you've seen it, it
holds what used to be a one hundred- year old bowie
knife." Ryouga swallowed.
Don't need the space after hundred-
"Run. Now, Ryouga," Nabiki rocked back on her heels.
"I believe I asked you earlier if you knew anybody
willing to play back-up for me at the Nekohanten."
Extra space before the second line.
"I almost wish he had started a fight," Ranma
muttered. "I n...Its usually fun."
It's
~They all seem to be protecting Ranma today,~ Genma
thought. ~Hmm, Nodoka doesn't seem worried, a little
upset, but that's expected. I should be safe. I
guess its not important.~
it's
"Ranma are you certain about this, you don't have to
just because I asked," Akane wrapped an arm around her
and pulled the red-haired head to her shoulder.
Ranma,
"Yeah, its not like it can happen with you around,"
it's
while, until I came to and started fighting again,
an..and he said something about pain to drive out a
demon. He was starting to choke me when Kodachi came
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Ah, hrm. Sorry.
"How are you feeling now father?" Kasumi asked
now, father?
"No, not alone," Kasumi agreed. "But there are some
herbs you can add to it..."
Lithium, prozac... And this turns into KaraOhki's recent fic
about Kasumi's sedative addiction.
"Shampoo, I'm here without Ranma's knowledge," Nabiki
interrupted the amazon. "I'm not sure what his
Amazon
reaction to you would be. I know it wouldn't be
pleasant, however, and I'd like to avoid seeing him in
jail for tearing you limb from limb." It was
perfectly obvious that Nabiki that such a fate was
that Nabiki thought
"Shampoo not know what you talking about," the
purple-haired amazon insisted.
Amazon
"Shampoo no need drugs to catch Airen!" Shampoo
protested launching herself at Nabiki. The amazon was
Amazon
"HIBIKI prepare to die!" Mousse launched a stream of
HIBIKI, alt. HIBIKI!
"Ranma-san must have a stronger will than I thought,"
Cologne said, shaking her head. ~The dose that's
missing would have killed a normal person, and he
still fought it down enough that Kuno had to force
him.~
She says the first part and thinks the second? Was she
meant to tell the second part to everyone?
"Would not happen if kitchen destroyer not interfere
with Shampoo!" the younger amazon insisted as she
stood up, shoving off an unconscious Mousse.
Amazon
"Is nothing to do, Ranma is male, and Shampoo Airen,"
Shampoo answered haughtily. "I do what I want with
him." Nabiki stood up and walked slowly to look the
purple-haired amazon in the face.
Amazon
attack. Being used to fighting Ranma, Ryouga found
Shampoo incredibly slow, and the amazon could only
glare at Nabiki out of range as her arm was twisted
about in a hold that smashed her to the ground.
Outsider male beat Amazon, we married now!
"That is one option yes," Nabiki admitted, not
option, yes,
"Because it is too direct to be a good a lie,"
to be a good lie.
"Ranma has to give birth," Cologne said. "But it
does not necessarily need to be Kuno's child." Nabiki
blinked in surprise, she had been thinking along the
same lines, but not quite that far.
Am reminded of the movie, Rob Roy.
"That is good to know, I'll make sure Akane gets
them," Nabiki said. "Ryouga, let's go. I want to get
my knew trophy into my box, besides I want to get some
new
problem. Nabiki angrily wished that she had caused
the amazons a little more trouble.
Amazons
"I wasn't alone," Nabiki shrugged. "It seems lost
boy overheard some of yesterday's situation and
offered to go as back-up."
Since it's being used as a name, Lost Boy
Nabiki turned back to Ranma. "I spent months
lashing out at you after you got here, so yeah I
understand. Of course, I don't destroy buildings when
I get mad, you don't have the luxury of lashing out."
Ranma thought back to the image he had just had of
Supposed to have that extra line?
"Not unless you want to stay male," Nabiki said.
stay female,
"Its not fair!! I can't be a mother! Its not fair!!
It's x2
"Well, Cologne said that you had to give birth, and
"You'd have to be a guy Akane," Ranma said.
guy, Akane,
"Ohkay, but Akane," Ranma turned to face her. "Can
Okay,
"I'm sorry," she whispered again, cuddling in closer.
She could care less about "manly" as long as nobody
else were watching.
Extra space before the second line.
back down the hallway. ~And that is supposed to be
every man's fantasy, this is manly I suppose. I may
Not only to watch two women in action... but to be
involved. heh. How very manly.
"I wouldn't calling confiding," Ryouga muttered.
call it confiding
"Don't you think we should go somewhere we won't give
some a death by nosebleed...or heart attack?" Nabiki
someone
"We have some magic on hand that can help with that,"
Nabiki smirked. "Instant nannichuan."
I forgot to ask before, should Nannichuan be capitialized?
Akane looked at her male body in the mirror. He was,
too put it bluntly, a hunk, but that wasn't too
comforting. Ranma was right, he really had, had no
really had no idea
How would the instant Nannichuan affect Ranma-chan?
Ukyou glanced at him in concern. She had expected
some level of sarcasm, maybe suspicion, Ranma got
paranoid after returning from adventures. She didn't
know of any reason for Ranma to be nervous around her.
None that she would expect.
Extra space before the last sentence.
"Careful, Ranchan," she snapped angrily, standing up.
"Spend too much time as a girl and you'll be having
Extra space before the second sentence.
"Something..." Ukyou considered her jibe, and gasped.
She walked around Akane and leaned down to look into
Ranma's face. "The 'something' I'm thinking of?"
Ranma looked at Akane.
Ditto.
business and she often spent only half days at school.
The chef shook her head again and smacked the heel of
her palm to her forehead. "I can't stop picturing
that now!" She didn't comment that at least the
irritating image of Akane and Ranma together was
keeping out the image of Kuno and Ranma.
Ditto and heh.
"Ranma, are you certain about this?" Akane asked her.
Ranma looked across the clearing where Tatewaki Kuno
was sitting with his typical arrogance. Kodachi stood
Ditto.
~This won't work if I just beat his head in,~ Ranma
thought to herself. ~I need my control back. If can
keep it facing this bastard, I keep it anywhere.~
bastard, I can keep
"HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!" The tornado lifted the ronin into
the sky for nearly a minute before dissipating.
Mutant freak! Um, oops, wrong story.
"Now he's gonna know what its like being at
everyone's mercy," Ranma muttered. "I kinda hoped
it's
~Now I have to make it fit in the box.~ She started
planning.
heh.
"You really are an idiot, aren't you?
Goodbye, pervert. Have fun in the woods." She tossed
the mouse back into the fields. She glanced up into
the trees and smirked. "That's a pretty owl."
She found some permanent stuff or found a way to make the
temporary into permanent?
Final Note: A continuation is in the works...
Looking forward to it. I thought this was well thought out
and written. The reactions were true to life. Am wondering
if Nabiki is going to make Ryoga tell Akane about P-Chan.
And what about Kasumi thinking the two of them are dating.
hehehe
Ciao,
Warr
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