Thomas-san
I have recently re-read this work, and continue to be impressed by
it. Aside from a few minor spelling issues, there is only one real
point I feel I need to point out.
However, before I irk you with criticism, I would ask a question.
Can you please explain (-domo) to me. I gather it is more formal than
(-san) and possibly than (-samma) but am unsure as to the exact context.
That taken care of. What's the deal with killing but not killing
Kasumi. If you show the reader that she is dead, then have the courage
to keep her dead. Don't have her turn up again through some hinted at
mysterious means a prisoner of the enemy. it's been done too many
times. in my not-so-humble opinion, an action like that denigrates this
tale from a masterwork to a B-rate movie.
I can easily see that you may well need her alive, while at the same
time making others think that she is not. So show the reader that she
has been spirited away then present her "death."
Maintain your work's dignity and spare us the melodrama.
Please don't think I am attacking you or your work. I only speak so
strongly because it's prior quality has led me to expect a certain
standard of excellence.
I suppose while I'm already writing you, I should make another
observation or two.
First. What happened to Martin? He was given depth, personality,
history, and attention. Then, abruptly (and believably) he was removed
from the story. However, I feel, still in my not-so-humble opinion,
that he shouldn't have been forgotten. It's a waste of a good
character.
Second. At the end of the battle in the Saotome yard (Kyoto) No
combatants on either side were conscious and capable of acting or more
importantly; stopping Sharan from taking the children. Why did he bug
out and conclude victory beyond his grasp when it sat in his palm? Just
something to think about.
KT out
--
"Sometimes we must do things, not because they are the right things
to do, or the easiest things to do, or the ones that will bring us
rewards. Sometimes, we must do things because they must be done."
-- "Waters Under Earth" by Alan Harnum