Aaron Bergman wrote:
EIGHT MONTHS IN NERIMA
by Aaron Bergman
EPISODE ONE
I'm not sure what to suggest to you for this one. It's pretty obvious that you
think Ruben is a cool character and want us to be impressed by him, but it just
didn't work, at least not for me. In fact, I'd say that he qualifies as an
Annoying New Character, though to be fair I have seen far worse. I mean, he's
powerful enough to impress Cologne, he has Ukyo in love with him, he helps Ryoga
solve his problems, and on top of it all he doesn't seem to have much reason for
even *being* in the Ranmaverse.
This is unfortunate, because technically your story is quite well done. I can
only suggest a few minor changes:
1) Cut out the bits where your narrator talks directly to the reader. This sort
of thing is pretty much never as amusing as an author thinks it's going to be,
and it kills the illusion of reality that it's an author's job to build.
2) Ukyo's family name is spelled "Kuonji."
3) Cologne and Mousse's Chinese names are Ke Lun and Mu Si, respectively.
(Shampoo's is Shan Pu, in case it's needed later.) There isn't any syllable
"Wel" in Chinese; you might be able to approximate the name you want as Ta Wu or
Tiao Wele or something like that.
Gary