Gentles,
Here, for those who might be interested, is the second episode of Weird Guy.
When I get my first comment, I�ll be very pleased.
Ammadeau told me I�d have a rough go on this list. Unfortunately, I can�t
think of a better place to post this.
Weird Guy
Episode Two: "There's No Office Like Home"
By Michael Hopcroft
Arthur Random woke up to a loud buzzing noise. Thinking it was the stupid
alarm clock, he looked for the time. Instead, he saw a blank face. It had
somehow come unplugged during the night.
Had Hugo done it? He had no way to tell. It had been only a few days since
Hugo the Exploding Pig moved into his house. Already the neighbors were
wondering if there was construction blasting. Still, he wondered where the
buzz came from, if not the alarm clock.
A cheerful voice from the kitchen answered his question. "Coffee's on!" The
little piggy had decided to make himself useful. Arthur got out of bed,
trying to figure out a way to avoid breakfast. He also looked at his watch
and found out what time it really was. He shook his head. He had only a few
minutes to dress for work, assuming his usual luck with mass transit held.
Arthur pulled on a shirt or two and grabbed a couple of neckties. He noticed
that the necktie population of his closet was shrinking rapidly. Hugo had
decided he liked wearing neckties, though he didn't see the need for any
other clothing. Whenever he chose a tie, it was gone forever at his next
detonation.
"Breakfast!" cried the pig in the kitchen. Arthur grabbed his coats and
entered the kitchen. He was greeted by the sight of Hugo setting the kitchen
table with a pair of strange-looking pancakes on the plates. There were a
few things missing.
"Hugo," said Arthur, "where is the syrup?"
"Putting on syrup is a lot of trouble. I baked it right in."
Arthur gulped. "And let me guess -- you baked in the butter too?"
"Right! And the grape jelly. Aren't I considerate?"
Arthur wondered whether it was worth the risk to take a bite. To his great
relief, the phone rang. To his great lack of relief, it was his boss.
"Random," he said, "don't come into the office today."
Arthur stood stunned for a moment. Hugo gazed up from his pancakes and gave
him a considerate look.
His boss resumed. "Random, we've decided to set you up at home. Your
computer and materials will be shipped to your house, and every day we'll
send you instructions. You are a really lucky guy! They'll be by to install
it today. Ciao!"
When the boss hung up, he knew he could be in a lot of trouble if the
installation crew found Hugo.
Arthur explained the situation as best he could to Hugo. The pig shrugged
his shoulders and started to do the dishes. "Tell you what," Hugo said "I'll
stay in my room while the techs are here. They'll never know I'm around."
At that moment a car pulled up to Arthur's house. Two men in overalls got
out and came to the door. Hugo looked out the window briefly, then
shuddered. "Oh no, here they are! I'm gone, Arthur."
Arthur motioned OK as the doorbell rang. The first time it sounded like a
bell. A moment later it quacked. The third try resulted in a short snippet
from the Brandenburg Concerto #3. Finally, with Hugo well out of sight, he
answered the door.
"Hi there!" the techs cried cheerfully. "We're the Installers!"
"Hi," answered Arthur weakly. "This is kind of short notice, and I don't
know where I want the stuff."
"Don't worry, Arthur-buddy," they said in unison, "We know exactly where it
goes!" and pointed to a door.
Hugo's door.
"No!" Arthur said, "Not there! It doesn't have a good power supply! It
shakes whenever a garbage truck comes by! It attracts ants!"
The techs shook their heads. "Nope, that's where it goes," they said.
"Just one moment," said Arthur, as he opened and shut the door as quickly as
he could, squeezing into the room.
"Hugo?" Arthur whispered.
"Everything OK!?!", Hugo said loudly.
"Ssssh! They're going to set it up in here! You need to go into the closet
and STAY there, quietly. Got it?"
"Got it! I'm nothing if not helpful . . . " A moment later Hugo was safely
inside. With that Arthur opened the door for the techs.
He could only watch as the two perky technicians did their thing, seemingly
taking forever. First the desk, chair and Coke machine were taken in and set
up in random places in Hugo's room. Then the computer was brought in, along
with several miles of cables and cords for both power and for the phone. The
techs started putting it together and plugging it in, all the while chatting
endlessly about the Blazers and the role of government in a free market
economy. Naturally they agreed on everything.
"You know," one of them said, "we could get some extra peripherals put in if
we could use the outlet in the closet."
"No! Don't!" Arthur said.
"Why not?" asked the tech.
"The floor's rickety. You might fall through it."
"Hey, Rex, got the time?"
Rex nodded. "Yes."
There was a momentary pause.
"Well?"
"It's 3:20."
"3:20!" cried Arthur. An echoing cry of "3:20!" came from the closet. That
meant Hugo would detonate in two minutes, wrecking all the equipment and
spilling Arthur's secret. He had to do something.
�:Guys, guys," he said while trying to laugh. "I bet you're really thirsty."
The techs shook their heads. "No, we're not." they said in unison.
"I bet you are. I bet a couple of ice-cold house-brand soft drinks would do
you guys a world of good. I just happen to have some in the fridge. Why
don't you go look?"
The techs shook their heads. "We'd be imposing . . . "
Arthur looked at his watch � it was now 3:21. Hugo would go off in a little
less than a minute. "Please?" he said quietly, desperation swelling in his
mind.
The techs nodded. "OK," they said, and went to the kitchen.
Arthur flung open the closet door as soon as he thought they were gone. He
picked up Hugo. "You've got about forty seconds. Looks like I'll have to
throw you out the window . . . "
"Make it quick!," said Hugo.
Arthur then hurled Hugo through the window. Unfortunately it was closed, and
while the glass did not impede the flight of the pig it did make a very loud
crash. The techs ran into the room again.
"What did you just do?" they asked, again in unison.
"That doesn't matter." said Arthur. "Drop!!!" Everyone dropped and a
thunderous explosion was heard from the backyard. "You guys close to done?"
"Yes, we've done everything,� they said, making Arthur wonder if they even
had separate voices. "Let's get going."
A whooshing wind welled up behind Arthur. He and the techs turned around.
And Arthur shook his head ruefully, for Hugo had reintegrated behind him and
in full view of the techs. The techs then asked one question, as always in
unison.
"Arthur-buddy, tell us what you put in those drinks. We'd like some to take
home!"