--- "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:
Reasonably good story in and of itself.
Unfortunately,
your choice to make this a _Ranma_ story, as opposed
to,
say, a Maison Ikkoku story, is really fatal to
getting your
readers to suspend any disbelief at all.
@@ Ummmm, I don't think the series has much
to do with suspension of disbelief. Ranma is full
of magical artifacts, demi-gods, demons, etc. Mutants
would, IMO, fit easily.
The "problem" IMO is not sufficient detail. However
this is MY opinion. Some readers may find a MI story
with
mutants easier to believe while other readers (myself
for one)
might not be able to get past the first paragraph of
the story. IMO, it is ENTIRELY up to the author to
decide this sort of thing.
More on this after the point-by-point.
Another day, another yen. Akane rose from
her bed,
Odd thing to occur to Akane. Some of your readers
are going
to be misled into thinking this is an alterverse
where Akane
has Nabiki's personality.
@@I've got to admit I thought it was a _little_
strange. However not _so_ strange as to be
unbelievable.
<SNIP>
Given what we learn this is, the question arises as
to why so
late in Akane's life? She's sixteen; isn't this
supposed to
happen to fourteen-year-olds?
@@Ummm, I assume this is a reference to "Marvel
Universe" mutants? Even if true, I'm not sure this is
relevant. This is, after all, neither the original
Marvel nor Ranma universe. The "change" can come at
sixteen or sixty if the author wishes.
<SNIP>
"And in world news, anti-mutant hysteria
is still
gripping the United States of America and most of
Europe, as
militant factions gather strength and continue to
lash out at
what is called the "Mutant Menace..." the
anchorman droned.
Okay, now we know what's going on. However: this
isn't news,
this is bad history. News would be: "today tens of
thousands
of protesters massed in Washington D.C. as the
Senate debated
passage of the Anti-Mutant Act." News is some
concrete event
happening today or yesterday, not an unverifiable
trend.
@@Ummmm, actually this could be a lead in to a
"concrete event" We don't actually hear the entire
broad cast. However it might make a stronger scene if
change as you suggest. Certainly more immediate.
<SNIP>
This seems OOC to me for Akane. Going to this
extreme to
avoid health-care is a Ranma thing to do, not an
Akane thing.
Akane would think of this behavior as a male
stupidity.
@@In the anime/manga Akane insists that she can stay
home alone with a cold or that she isn't really hurt
(doujou destroyer) IMO this is quite in character.
<SNIP>
<clip>
"FREAK!"
Well, I have to agree with Jason Liao on this. Why
didn't
these same students suspect Ranma, Ryouga, Kodachi,
and
Shampoo of being mutants? Well, maybe they did, but
we're
not told so.
This reaction just doesn't work, given what we KNOW
these
students have already accepted. In particular,
there is
NO reason for the students to suspect, from this
evidence,
that Akane is a mutant as opposed to: 1) affected
by a
new Jusenkyou curse, or 2) come into possession of
some
legendary artifact, or for that matter Chinese
commercial
good, or 3) possessed by an oni or other spirit.
@@Good point. Workable however if the author provides
more back-story to build the anti-mutant feeling AND
show Akane's progression toward her powers. And, as GK
suggested, perhaps some way to identify mutants. I
rather like eye colour but there are other traits that
could be used.
Nabiki watched as the paramedics loaded
Ranma into
the waiting ambulance, unable to believe what her
eyes and
ears were conveying to her brain.
"He's not dead yet!"
Paramedic produces mallet and hammers Ranma.
@@ He's dead Jim.
<SNIP>
Shouldn't this be almost automatic? Who else _ever_
does
any real damage to Ranma?
@@Ryouga, Mu Tsu, Tarou, Cu Lon, Herb, Saffron, etc.,
etc., etc.
then how could it have happened? Static
electricity didn't
have anywhere near that kind of power.
Nabiki wouldn't waste time trying to figure out how.
She'd
be confident that someone would show up to explain
it within
the day.
@@Seems perfectly natural reaction to me. I know that
_I_ try to figure out how/why things happen. I don't
see this as particularly strange or OOC.
But there was none, and Nabiki knew it. Akane; her
youngest
sister, the one she used to call "Baby"... was
a... mutant.
Nabiki fought against the urge to collapse
into tears,
barely maintaining her cool facade.
All right, who are you and what have you done with
the real
Nabiki? We know perfectly well that the REAL Nabiki
would be
planning how to make money from this revelation!
@@^_^ Well, this IS an alt-universe. (just wait �till
you see what I just did to Nabiki.)
Thought and emotion swirled around a central
truth, one that
she desperately sought and shied away from all at
once.
Even in the Marvel-verse, there are LOTS of
alternate
explanations available for an occurence like this:
visiting
aliens gave her powers, she was bitten by a
radioactive
electric eel, etc, etc. In the Ranma-verse there
are a near-
infinite number of possible explanations. Why is
everyone
leaping to the same single conclusion, without even
going
to Dr. Tofu for any tests?
@@Good point. (well this isn't Marvel so I'm not so
sure about the radioactive spiders, etc) Again, this
is reason for more back-story to make this more
reasonable.
<SNIP>
A faint blue glow enveloped Akane, making the
hairs on his
arms and neck stand to rigid attention. This was
no battle
aura, this was a manifestation of her mutant
powers.
How does Isao know? More interestingly, what
exactly _is_
the difference (maybe none)?
@@Well, I'm willing to wait for the answer on this
one. Right now it's sufficient to know that Isao
knows. HOW can come later. OTOH this information could
be give earlier. It's a matter of pacing or timing.
<SNIP>
"That's ALL?" an indignant Akane demanded. "All
that
build up, and all you've done is demolish a PARK
BENCH?
I could do that when I was SIX! And you left
yourself
wide open to attack in the meantime, too!"
@@^_^ cute.
She was a mutant. She had powers like
other mutants,
powers that martial arts training could never
bestow.
BTW, you've yet to demonstrate this. Post-vol-38
Ranma
could probably duplicate this feat exactly. For
that matter,
he might be able to anytime after his "soul of ice"
training.
@@Well, lets give him time. I think he's demonstrated
that Akane's power is reasonably potent. She just
KO'ed Ranma w/o breaking a sweat after all.
"He's not my boyfriend."
OOC for Akane to say precisely this. How about "Our
parents
arranged it!", with a blushing protest?
@@???This seems just a _tad_ picky. I can't say with
certainty that she has or has not ever used this exact
phraseology. (at least in the English translations)
However it certainly does not, to me, sound the least
OOC. She and Ranma deny their engagement. She has said
similar things,
" . . .Our engagement never happened." viz V. 3, p126
has a similar sentiment.
However, that whole Jusenkyou bit was
something he'd
have to see before he'd ever believe it.
Now you're making a point of the Ranmaverse having
more
strange things in it than your mutants expect. This
goes
against your entire effort to persuade us that being
a
mutant is "different".
@@Why so? A "mutation" (even if the Marvel mutations
have NO relationship to Mendel) is "science" while
Jusenkyou is "magic". I believe in quantum mechanics.
I do NOT believe in witchcraft. (even if quantum
theory/effect often seems like magic.)
Isao IS a mutant. It's easy for him to believe in
that. He's experienced it.
I can cite a great many things that orthodox science
did not believe that later turned out to be true.
(rocks falling from the sky= meteors) or vice versa.
<SNIP>
It would be just as Japanese to accept mutants
completely,
but simply to politely never talk about them in
public.
You might want to pick up a copy of Karen Smyer's
"The Fox and
the Jewel" for more on this: in some things, a
superficial
homogeneity conceals a lot of diversity, simply
because
the Japanese never talk to each other enough to
know.
@@Good point. OTOH, just look at he way the Japanese
treat gaijin. (The human rights commission has some
interesting things to say. They equate the Japanese
treatment to non-Japanese to "Third World" treatment.
Beatings, robbery, murder, etc.)
To conclude: your premise seems badly flawed to me.
The
readers on this list are not, IMO, going to be able
to
believe in your premise sufficiently to keep reading
your
story.
@@Ummm, well, _some_ readers. I'm a reader and I
accept the premise. I _DO_ think there should be a lot
more back story. But then I'm a sucker for detail. And
some readers may prefer the story just as it is, while
other readers will never like it.
There are two things you can do, IMO. One: you can
rewrite,
to use a more normal series, where being a mutant
really
might give this kind of reaction. How would Godai
react
if Kyoko became an electricity-throwing mutant? Or
vice-
versa?
@@True, but not necessary. In _MY_ opinion, Ranma
works just fine. Your idea works just as well, but
it's a different story.
OR, you could change this to a comedy. Change Isao
to a non-
Japanese mutant who, like Magneto, believes the
worst, then
have ALL of his preconceptions destroyed by
preserving the
actual Ranmaverse. The students go "ho-hum", Ranma
springs
back to his feet after the electrocution asking to
see
Akane's new technique, nobody even guesses that
Akane's new
ability is because she's a mutant, etc. Maybe have
Ranma
duplicate your mutant character's feat, without
mutant powers.
Maybe, like "Yet Another Akane/GL Fic", you could
even get
some laughs from how Akane's mutant powers _still_
don't get
her anywhere close to Ranma's abilities.
@@Cute. However, again, this is a much different
story. My perception . . .I like it just as it is. I
just want more detail, more dramatic tension.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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