Date:
Mon, 25 Sep 2000 22:23:00 -0400 (EDT)
Date:
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From:
Knight Writer <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> |
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Subject:
[FFML] [FIC][R.5] The Akane Factor 1 of 2
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
My comments @@
Everything In My Opinion ONLY!
Okay, it's still a working title, but I don't
think it's too
bad.
Anyway, I did a little brainstorming on this, and
here's the result.
Fasten
yer seatbelt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. ^_^ BTW,
this is set between
the
end of Volume Five and the start of Volume Six.
@@Disclaimer???
@@I've read parts one and two. Plus your response to
JL's C&C. I don't think there is any real reason to
set this story between V. 5 & 6. Do so if you wish.
However the story would work equally well set at the
end of the series w/o readers having to scramble
to find V. 5 & 6. It's also much harder to write a
story when the author has to convince the reader to
ignore things that have already happened. It can be
done.
However . . .
In _this_ story I think it unnecessarily complicates
things.
===================================
Another day, another yen. Akane rose from her
bed, staring with
bleary eyes at the invading sunlight that filled her
room. Aw, why did
mornings have to be so bright?! She covered her eyes
from the light,
wishing
like anything for a few extra minutes of sleep.
She padded over to the closet, yawning openly
as she pulled
open the
slitted doors. Akane stared into the space for a few
long moments,
unaware
that the uniform she was looking for happened to be
right in front of
her face.
"I really hate mornings," she mumbled as she
drew the blue
dress off
the rack. Akane gathered her clothes for the day and
set off for the
bathroom when it hit.
The sensation started in her chest, spreading
throughout her
body
with tingling fingers that lit every nerve like a
roman candle and
sending
her head into a tailspin.
It passed quickly, leaving her panting in its
wake. Akane
shook her
head clear, fear nibbling at her stomach. What was
this? What was wrong
with
her?
It had started a month ago, the spells coming
on all of a
sudden and
leaving just as quickly. Akane had just chalked it up
to a case of
nerves
the first time, and the second a few weeks later.
Recently, the attacks had grown worse,
happening up to four
times
daily and with greater intensity.
@@My central complaint with this story is there is not
enough build up. Rather than say "It had started a
month
ago" have this _be_ the first, or nearly the first,
attack.
It takes longer but makes for a stronger story.
"Maybe I ought to see a doctor," Akane mused
as she made her
way out
the door. Had she turned around, she would have been
startled to see
her
digital alarm clock was reduced to a smoking pile of
charred circuits.
@@Errrr, she couldn't smell it? And it was noiseless?
Example::
"Maybe I ought to see a doctor?," Akane mused as she
left her room. Behind her, quietly and without fuss
her electric clock melted like a bowl of Jello left
too long in the sun.
@@Shows _definitely_ that she was out of the door and
the event was quiet.
========================================
Nabiki knelt at the low table, eating her
breakfast at a more
sedate
pace than the two near her. She had learned to ignore
Ranma and Genma's
poor
table manners, tuning out the sounds of martial arts
breakfast training
as
she absorbed herself in the morning news.
Hmmm... That's good, she thought as her keen
eye followed the
stock
quotes from the Nikkei Index. She had a little money
of her own tied up
in
there, and the news of said cash growing never failed
to brighten her
mood.
God was in His Heaven, and all was right with
the world.
@@^_^ Cute. Although the Nikkei has been on an icy
road to a hotter place for a long time now. Not a big
point. One "fix" would be to have her invest in stocks
that were going _against_ the Nikkei. (Smart Japanese
investors got into American stocks and bonds before
the crash)
"Hey, what gives?" Nabiki said after
swallowing her latest
mouthful
of miso. The image on the screen, which had been clear
as a bell,
suddenly
went haywire. Lines jumped in every direction at once,
distorting the
anchorman as static poured out of the small speakers.
@@Good.
"What's wrong with the TV?" Ranma asked.
"How should I know?" Nabiki retorted. "First
it's fine, next
it's
going crazy!"
"Oh, Good morning, Akane," Kasumi said in her
usual good cheer.
@@I'd change this. Cheerful Kasumi isn't news. Perhaps
give her some action.
Example::
"Good morning, Akane," Kasumi greeted her sister,
putting a bowl of miso in front of her.
Nabiki turned to look and became concerned. Akane's
face was pale and
strained, her eyes squinted shut as if she were in
pain.
"Akane, are you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah... I'm fine."
"You look ill, little sister," Kasumi stated.
"WHAT!?" Soun was on his feet in an instant,
hovering over his
youngest daughter and leaving his discarded newspaper
hanging in space.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm okay, Daddy, really."
"Ya don't look it."
"Shut up, Ranma..."
"You do look pale, Akane," Kasumi said gently
as she reached
for
Akane's forehead. "Let me check for a fever."
"I said I'm okay!" Akane shouted irritably,
moving aside before
Kasumi's hand could make contact. "I'm not sick, and I
am going to
school!"
@@No one said anything about her not going to school.
You might add that to someone's dialogue or delete the
remark from Akane.
Nabiki stared after her younger sister, who
was storming out of
the
house in a huff and leaving everyone stunned in her
wake. Something was
wrong with Akane, it was plain to anyone, but what was
it? Was Akane
really
sick? If so, it wasn't surprising. Akane tended to be
stubborn as a
mule at
times, especially about illness.
@@A little weak. Show, don't tell. Good idea.
Especially the stubborn about illness. This needs to
be developed.
"Hey, the TV's working again," Genma said,
interrupting
Nabiki's
train of thought. She unconsciously looked over at the
cathode screen
and,
sure enough, the picture was crystal clear again.
Nabiki finished her
breakfast, paying the malfunctioning set no more heed.
"And in world news, anti-mutant hysteria is
still gripping the
United States of America and most of Europe, as
militant factions
gather
strength and continue to lash out at what is called
the "Mutant
Menace..."
the anchorman droned.
@@Good.
You've got good ideas and I like your segues.
Having read all of 1 &2, you are moving too fast. Show
more of Akane's illness and her stubbornness. SHOW
the anti-mutant hysteria. SHOW the prejudice. Don't
just tell us it exists.
==========================================
<SNIP>
@@Regarding the student reaction to Akane's "mutant"
powers and JL's comment.
I've seen a lot of thunderstorms but I still jump when
lightning hits close by. And blimps have been around
for a century, but people still point and stare. So
the student reaction is perfectly natural.
Overall: C+
Good story, nice dialogue. Some of the descriptions
are weak. The biggest problem is not enough
development. I want to see Akane's "growth" as a
mutant progress. I want to see more of the anti-mutant
hysteria. Show the reader how people react. Build a
better picture of Japanese society and how it reacts
to people who are different. There's not enough
emotional depth to the story as it stands.
Good work. I think this is a definite keeper. You just
need to show more of what is happening. Start earlier
in Akane's growth as a mutant. _Slowly_ build to the
first climax and along the way show the anti-mutant
prejudice. Show this alongside Akane's progression to
mutant power. Tease the reader.
Is Akane really a mutant? (A different title would
help with this)
What are her powers?
When will she find out?
When will everyone else find out?
How will they react?
I'm going into more detail in part 2 of my essay for
SLR_AE.
The basis for dramatic tension is don't be in a hurry.
Alfred Hitchcock is the best teacher.
Look at Dial M for Murder . . .
In one scene of about ten minutes
1) The husband is supposed to make a phone call to
activate his plan to murder his wife.
But his watch has stopped.
2)he goes to the phone booth, but someone's on the
phone.
3)The murderer for hire is about to leave. He walks to
the door, hesitates. Looks at the phone. Opens the
door to leave and the phone rings.
4) the light comes on in the wife's bed room. She's
getting up to answer the phone!
Without these little "problems", if Ray Milland's
watch had worked, if no one had been on the phone, the
scene would have been _very_ bland.
Go back and add more detail, more dramatic tension.
Good idea, nice dialogue. And your segues were very
smooth.
Good work. I look forward to seeing more.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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