C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
I actually wrote this C&C yesterday, but forgot to post it.
(Hopefully you don't feel like people are jumping down your throat.)
Okay, it's still a working title, but I don't think it's too bad.
Anyway, I did a little brainstorming on this, and here's the result. Fasten
yer seatbelt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. ^_^ BTW, this is set between the
end of Volume Five and the start of Volume Six.
You accidentally forgot to credit Rumiko Takahashi for the
characters and Marvel Entertainment Group for the premise.
[...]
Another day, another yen. Akane rose from her bed, staring with
bleary eyes at the invading sunlight that filled her room. Aw, why did
mornings have to be so bright?! She covered her eyes from the light, wishing
like anything for a few extra minutes of sleep.
That's like saying "Another day, another penny." ^_^;
(Suggest you delete it.)
[...]
"I really hate mornings," she mumbled as she drew the blue dress off
the rack. Akane gathered her clothes for the day and set off for the
bathroom when it hit.
Akane goes jogging first thing in the mornings, so I don't see her
as that much of a morning hater. This might be better expanded.
Maybe she gets up early and jogs because it takes that much time
and effort to shake off her drowsiness? Maybe her recent attacks
made mornings harder, and she's reluctant to do her normal jogs?
The sensation started in her chest, spreading throughout her body
with tingling fingers that lit every nerve like a roman candle and sending
her head into a tailspin.
Okay, you're getting to the interesting stuff quickly. Good. :)
[...]
"Maybe I ought to see a doctor," Akane mused as she made her way out
the door. Had she turned around, she would have been startled to see her
digital alarm clock was reduced to a smoking pile of charred circuits.
If Tofu's around in this timeframe, I can't think of a reason why
she wouldn't see him. Even if he can't help, she can ask him about
it, and he's on the way to school.
[...]
Nabiki knelt at the low table, eating her breakfast at a more sedate
pace than the two near her. She had learned to ignore Ranma and Genma's poor
table manners, tuning out the sounds of martial arts breakfast training as
she absorbed herself in the morning news.
Given that Nabiki's always stuffing something in her mouth,
she'd better not comment on *other* people's eating habits. ;)
Hmmm... That's good, she thought as her keen eye followed the stock
quotes from the Nikkei Index. She had a little money of her own tied up in
there, and the news of said cash growing never failed to brighten her mood.
God was in His Heaven, and all was right with the world.
Is this Evangelion reference really necessary?
(Suggest you delete it.)
"Hey, what gives?" Nabiki said after swallowing her latest mouthful
of miso. The image on the screen, which had been clear as a bell, suddenly
went haywire. Lines jumped in every direction at once, distorting the
anchorman as static poured out of the small speakers.
suggest: after swallowing a mouthful of miso
(Her *latest* mouthful? Is she keeping track?)
Also, can you say just "miso," or is it "miso soup"?
[...]
"Oh, Good morning, Akane," Kasumi said in her usual good cheer.
cap: Oh, good morning
(No need to capitalize "oh".)
[...]
Nabiki stared after her younger sister, who was storming out of the
house in a huff and leaving everyone stunned in her wake. Something was
wrong with Akane, it was plain to anyone, but what was it? Was Akane really
sick? If so, it wasn't surprising. Akane tended to be stubborn as a mule at
times, especially about illness.
suggest: It was plain to anyone that something was wrong with Akane
Doesn't the episode when Akane had a cold and Ranma was under the
hypnotic suggestion to hug people that sneezed kinda contradict the
statement that she's stubborn as a mule when it comes to admitting
she's sick?
"Hey, the TV's working again," Genma said, interrupting Nabiki's
train of thought. She unconsciously looked over at the cathode screen and,
sure enough, the picture was crystal clear again. Nabiki finished her
breakfast, paying the malfunctioning set no more heed.
suggest: looked over at the screen
(No one says cathode screen. And it's cathode ray tube, anyway.)
[...]
Ranma! she silently screamed as his body began to convulse as if he
was being electrocuted. Akane fought desperately to stop what was happening,
fear giving her the drive to do battle against whatever force had possessed
her.
The pain ended once Ranma's hands released her. He flew backward
like a missile, ramming into the outer wall of the campus with enough force
to leave a deep crater in the stone. Ranma dangled in place for a moment,
crooked arcs of energy crackling across the ruins of his clothes before he
slumped to the ground.
This is probably too scientific a question to ask, but...
is Akane AC or DC? ^_^
In the former case, Ranma would have been thrown off immediately
as his own muscles spasmed, while in the latter, Ranma's muscles
would clench, and he wouldn't be able to let go until she ran out
of juice...
Akane could only stare in horror at what had happened. Ranma's body
lay face-down, smoking from the power that had been dumped into him by
touching her.
ASH KETCHUM: What a wuss.
ATARU MOROBOSHI: Yeah! That was nothing!
[...]
The fear grew in her heart, leaving her numb in its wake. Akane
backed away from the ever-growing crowd of students, eyes darting from one
face to another to find only horror staring back at her.
"FREAK!"
Tears brimming in her eyes, Akane Tendo turned and ran. I didn't
mean to...
You have a rather bad collision of the Rumic and Marvel worlds, here.
In Ranma 1/2, people might be surprised at what happened, but they'd
hardly call her a freak.
And is the "FREAK" comment even really necessary? If everyone's
staring at her with fear and confusion, she'd probably run away on
her own, out of self-loathing for what she's done.
If you want to keep this reaction, you *need* to work more of the
Marvel anti-mutant hysteria into the background by this point.
Make it apparent that this isn't the Ranma world, even though it
has the same settings and characters.
Maybe you could have Soun suggest that Akane was feeling bad
because of "one of those mutants" did something to her.
Isao watched from the roof of Furinkan, his heart going out to the
poor kid below.
ISAO: One point twenty one gigawatts has GOTTA hurt!
He knew exactly what it was like to first discover the power
that lurked inside all his kind, the fear of the initial experience as fresh
in his mind as if it had been yesterday. Of course, that was nothing
compared to what was to come for Akane.
You mean he doesn't even consider what
happened to the boy she used her powers on?!
[...]
Okay. Ranma had been electrocuted, so the popular concensus said,
but how? If the voices of the lingering students were to be believed, then
Akane was responsible.
sp: consensus
suggest: Ranma had received a massive electric shock
(Electrocute means to *kill* by electricity.
Make sure to fix the other occurrences of that word.)
[...]
The hunter's moon rose full and bright in the evening sky, its cruel
pale light slicing the darkness like a knife. Akane had collapsed on a lone
bench in the middle of the park, gulping the frigid air that burned her
throat with each breath. The glow of streetlamps made the night seem colder,
somehow, less hospitable than the daylight.
sp: street lamps
or: streetlights
[...]
"WHY?!" She had leapt up from the bench, fists clenched to the point
of turning her knuckles white. Isao could feel the rage and the pain that
flowed from her in waves. It was never easy, especially not in Japan, for a
mutant to accept what he or she was. Often, when it was discovered sepukku
was the preferred; even expected, way of dealing with it. Would Akane's
family expect that of her? Would they be so damn coldhearted?
sp: seppuku
I kinda doubt seppuku would be expected or preferred. Firstly,
does anyone do that anymore? There are much easier ways for
modern Japanese people to kill themselves. ^_^ Also, as I
understand it, seppuku is only appropriate for someone who
already HAS honor.
Given the Japanese views on conforming and "gaijin," would a
mutant still have any honor?
Again, this is something you've glossed over in the fic at this
point. You need to address what the *Japanese,* and Ranma
characters in particular think about mutants. The TV announcer
only referred to US and Europe mutant menace. That implies there's
no such problem in Japan.
Hell, for all we know, the Japanese think of mutants as their own
group of Ultramen. ^_^;
[...]
"I won't. I'll show you." Isao came to his feet and siezed the
center of himself where his power lay. Nobody was around for miles, Taki and
Batsu would make certain of that, and nobody would miss one little park bench.
sp: seized
(I after E...)
[...]
She turned to look at the small structure of thin metal and wooden
slats, wondering just what would happen. As if to answer her unspoken
question, a sheet of ice quickly formed over the object in question. Akane's
mouth hung agape at the sight of the bench freezing so suddenly, scarecely
noticing her breath coming in white crystalline clouds.
sp: scarcely
Unfortunately, what Isao hadn't considered was that
the chilling effect would make Akane super-conductive...
AKANE: [zakk!]
ISAO: [dead]
AKANE: Oops, I did it again...
[...]
"You're a mutant, too?"
suggest: "You're a mutant?"
(Has Akane so readily accepted being a mutant that
she already applies that designation to herself?)
[...]
Akane could only watch in shocked amazement as the stone punched a
hole through the center of the bench. A fine webwork of cracks spread out
from the impact, the sound of splintering ice reaching her ears before the
entire bench collapsed into a heap of frozen shards.
And thus was the first Japanese mutant superhero born...
AKANE: How dare you smash that bench? It's used by people who want
to sit down, old people who feed the birds, and young lovers on
a rendezvous. On behalf of them all, I will punish you!
[...]
Isao followed close behind Akane, mentally checking off just how
much of Taki's information had been correct. So far, he had been dead on.
The man had told him a great deal about Akane's home situation, and about
Ranma.
However, that whole Jusenkyou bit was something he'd have to see
before he'd ever believe it.
Are mutants completely perfect, or something? I'm already a
little miffed that you're completely dismissing martial arts
over mutant powers. But now they know absolutely everything
about all the Ranma 1/2 characters?
That's a recipe for Annoying New Characters.
[...]
Part 2 inserted here. I don't know
why you broke it up in the first place...
Oh, stop it! Nabiki leaned back against the cinderblock wall,
crossing her arms at her chest and staring into space. Her little sister
simply could not be a mutant, and that was that! Things like that just
didn't happen to her family!
Then what about Mom?
A little more context is needed. You've just implied that their
mother was a mutant. Did you mean to? If not...
suggest: Horrible things like that didn't happen to her family!
Then what about what happened to Mom?
[...]
Akane froze at the tone in Nabiki's voice, authoritave and firm. She
had hardly ever heard her sister use that voice, and red flags went up in
Akane's brain. Something was amiss here, and she had a feeling she had
walked right in the middle of it.
sp: authoritative
[...]
Nabiki watched as Akane walked toward the elevators on the far end
of the lobby, for a moment seeing her as she had been ten years ago. A
little rambunxious girl who got into too many scrapes.
sp: rambunctious
Wouldn't she take the stairs? If she's worried about her power,
I'd think she want to stay away from electrical device like an
elevator motor? Also, it makes her less likely to be seen.
Not to mention that martial artists don't pass up an opportunity
for a little exercise....
She was responsible. Oh, no, she really was.
Once more Nabiki found herself stumbling around in the dark, unsure
of what to do or think. The only thing she could do was follow Akane, and
hope to God that somehow this would all work out.
punc: Oh no, she really was
punc: Once more, Nabiki found herself
[...]
"That's not what we heard," Genma growled, hostility open in his
gaze. Akane felt her skin bake from the heat of his glare, the accusation
plain. They had heard, and the thought the same. Akane had never felt so
alone in her entire life.
Huh? Why would Genma be so POed? He trained Ranma to be a
fighter, so in his eyes, it would be a failing of Ranma's that
he fell prey to the attack.
[...]
"NO! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
Why is Akane denying it's her fault? I'd expect her to apologize,
here. Maybe she'd say that he shouldn't have grabbed her...
[...]
"I met him in the park earlier tonight," she replied weakly as she
brought her eyes up to Nabiki's face.
"Akane, this is no time for your interest in men to pick up!"
Cute. ^_^
[...]
"I'm here to help," he replied cooly, returning her glare with equal
measure.
sp: coolly
"Is that right?" Nabiki was not impressed. Akane finds out about
some weird powers she has, and this guy shows up the same day? Something
really wrong was happening here.
"Yes, it is."
"Nabiki, stop it!"
"Hang on, Akane, I don't trust this guy."
"I don't blame you," Isao said, "but the issue of your trust is not
important here."
"I'd say it bloody well is!"
Isao was quickly growing tired of the arguement with Nabiki Tendo,
the desire to simply freeze her solid a rather seductive one.
sp: argument
I like the direction Nabiki's thoughts are taking. It's an
intelligent take on what's happened, and could lead to interesting
stuff down the road. Maybe the family will blame the man for doing
this to Akane...
"Listen here, Nabiki..."
"And how do you know my name?"
"Nevermind that. I'm here to help Akane, and nothing you say will
stop me."
sp: Never mind
----
Technically, this is pretty good. There are few punctuation
or spelling errors, no grammar problems, and it reads well.
I'm having problems some accepting it, though. While people
hating mutants for being outsiders and having strange powers
is standard fare for Marvel, it isn't for the Rumik world.
No one's seen the Hiryu Shoten Ha or Moko Takabisha yet, so
mutant powers certainly are more dazzling than the martial
arts techniques they've seen so far. But even when they were
seen for the first time, no one called Ranma a freak. Hell,
no one called Ranma a freak when he changed genders.
(A weirdo, maybe... ;)
Also, even though Shampoo has a stereotypical speech pattern,
the Chinese characters in Ranma all seem to get a fair shake,
without prejudice or racism.
I'm not saying you can't change the world to make it more
Marvel-like, but you need to make it clear that this world
is very different than Takahashi's
Isao is also a problem. He's an Annoying New Character. He's
got super powers, Akane immediately trusts him, and (most
annoying of all) he's ALWAYS right.
When he said that Akane's family would hate Akane, I naturally
thought it wouldn't be true. And when they did, I couldn't
help but think that it was HIS fault. It's why I identified
with Nabiki's reaction.
I guess I'd just urge you to find a balance between the Ranma
and Marvel aspects of the story. You've basically dismissed
martial arts and the friendly aspect of Ranma, completely
going for the Marvel side. And yet you called this a "Ranma"
fic (you didn't mention Marvel or x-over anywhere).
Why not give the Ranma 1/2 side more of a chance? Instead of
everyone hating her, Akane could have just run away in fear at
what she had done. When she visited Ranma they didn't have to
be accusing eyes; maybe they were just confused, but Akane
couldn't tell. Maybe her powers went off, endangering the
equipment attached to Ranma, and she ran off, thinking she had
to stay away from those she loved, in order to protect them.
Maybe Nabiki is right, and Isao is the bad guy, just trying to
mold Akane into a tool for his use...
Don't alienate your readership!
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"