We're back for more of the lovable (as well as the not-so-lovable)
characters of the OAV 42 cast, and more Ran Wars!

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE
THE OAVing - PART 2

NACHO: We're back for more of Blade and Epsilon's masterpiece...

ACE: ... for lack of a better word...

NACHO: Ran Wars: The Fandom Menace.

SHEILA: Episode !.

NACHO: How exactly does one pronounce the ! anyway?

SHEILA: It's sort of a guttural 'j' in the back of the throat, crossed
with a light 'k' at the tip of the tongue.

JUNK: I think I've got it. Put your tongue on mine and see if I'm
getting it right.

NACHO: Anyway, as part 1 ended, the evil dwarf had just appeared as a
hologram before Pink and Link.

ACE: No... Pink and Link appeared first, and then the evil dwarf.

JUNK: You can't keep Happosai away from those two!

SHEILA: Actually, they still haven't given the evil dwarf's name... just
because he wants to look down their uniform blouses doesn't mean he's
Happosai.

JUNK: Yeah, it just means he's a guy!

NACHO: Fine. Also, Kiima, banished from her hometown in the mountains...

ACE: Mountain.

SHEILA: Why not mountains?

ACE: Because there's only one!

SHEILA: Is that possible?

ACE: Of course! There can be only one!

NACHO: ... by Saffron, is guiding Tofu and Konatsu to Ryugenzawa, then
to the capital of Dojo, to warn the airheaded Queen of the invading
Gardening Union.

SHEILA: Take no produce! I mean prisoners!

ACE: And Shinnosuke has forgotten which is the safe way out of the
palace.

NACHO: No worries, though. The invaders are all vegetables anyway.

SHEILA: So let's get back to the story!

NACHO: Sure thing.

<BEGIN FANFIC>

Evil Dwarf: How goes the invasion?

Link: Better than expected, over.

-

NACHO: <Link> We hadn't planned on actually winning...

-

Pink: We have already taken all of the cities, and the remaining
resistance is scattered and weak, over.

-

ACE: Scattered over their weakness, too.

-

Evil Dwarf: And the queen? Have you captured her and all of her
retainers?

-

SHEILA: <Link> Sorry, all we could find were these braces, over.

-

Pink: Easily, over.

-

NACHO: <Evil Dwarf> I didn't order my eggs over easily!

-

Evil Dwarf: Excellent. (the hologram derezzes and disappears)

Link: Why didn't you tell him about the Jedi, over?

-

SHEILA: <Pink> He didn't ask, over.

-

Pink: What -he- doesn't know can't hurt -us-, over.

-

ACE: Although sticking those spears in -them- can't be comfortable...

-

(Switch scenes to a dark and foreboding room, at the top of a
dark and foreboding tower overlooking a dark and foreboding city
that stretches to the dark and foreboding horizon in all
directions in a dark and foreboding manner.

-

NACHO: It feels so dark and foreboding.

JUNK: Reminds me of my earliest memory of my mother.

-

The evil dwarf steps
down off the dark and foreboding holo-imaging pad

-

ACE: ... and plummets into the dark and foreboding abyss.

NACHO: Nah, you can't have a dark and foreboding abyss. It throws off
the mood.

-

and walks
-well, hobbles actually...evil dwarfs hobble, not walk; it's in
their contract-

-

ACE: In exchange, they do get great benefits.

NACHO: Yeah, but their pay always comes up short.

SHEILA: (groans)

-

to the window.)

Evil Dwarf: Apprentice.
(Out of the shadows steps a man in dark robes.

-

SHEILA: <Apprentice> Excuse me. (wipes the shadow soot off of his robes)

-

His frame is
impressively massive, even given the fact that it is mostly
concealed by the cloak.

-

NACHO: Must be a pretty big cloak.

ACE: A grandfather cloak?

-

His features, however, are clearly
visible: it is a hard, cold human face with steely eyes.

-

ACE: A result of a tragic marble accident.

-

His
medium-length black hair has long bangs which are held back by a
white headband.)

-

NACHO: The foley editor borrows a bang whenever he needs one.

-

Dark Man: Master.

Evil Dwarf: It is time, Darth Kumon, to go to Dojo and collect
that which is ours.

-

ACE: It's a small plot of land by the ocean... Century 51 has done their
job well.

-

Kumon: I shall not fail. (he turns to leave)

Evil Dwarf: And Kumon...

Kumon: (looks back) Yes, master?

-

NACHO: You failed to leave.

-

Evil Dwarf: You may encounter two Jedi.

-

SHEILA: <Kumon> Oh, thank you, master! You're too kind!

NACHO: <Evil Dwarf> Do well, and next time I'll let you encounter five
Jedi!

-

(Kumon's fists clench)
If so, you may do with them as you will.

-

ACE: As you will what?

NACHO: It's a free license to do evil things, or something like that.

SHEILA: (sticks little finger in corner of mouth)

-

Kumon: (smiles with inhuman malice) You are kind, master.

-

ACE: <Evil Dwarf> NO! I am EVIL DWARF!

-

(In yet another dark and foreboding place-a cave,

-

NACHO: <Italian> We have-a the greatest-a little cave monster...

-

to be precise-
three more familiar figures stand.

-

ACE: Who could possibly be more familiar than Kumon?

JUNK: I'm quite familiar with most of the female cast, actually...

-

Kiima stares up as the only
source of light, a hatch in the ceiling, is slowly closed. As
everything goes dark, there is a snap and a sudden blaze of light
as Tofu and Konatsu hold up glowrods in the dark.)

-

NACHO: I guess their glowrods are broken, if it's still dark.

SHEILA: That was the snap... their glowrods breaking.

ACE: <Konatsu> Okay, who's the wise Jedi who waved his hand at the
glowrods?

-

Kiima: Well, we're doomed.

Konatsu: Beware pessimism,

-

ACE: <Konatsu> ... for I shall smite thee with the GLOWING ROD OF
JUSTICE! Surrender, pessimism!

SHEILA: No, that's Amelia's line.

-

for that way lies the Dark Side.

-

NACHO: Whereas a bandit wayLAYS the Dark Side. See the difference?

-

Tofu: What's so bad about this place?

Kiima: This is Ryugenzawa, the heart of Dojo.

-

NACHO: And it's about to have an attack. How appropriate.

ACE: Be on the lookout for the coming of the Great Coronary.

-

(looks down;
sighs) The secret treasure.

-

SHEILA: <Lina> Treasure? Let me at it! Where is it?

JUNK: (looks down; sighs) You just stepped in it.

-

Konatsu: Secret treasure? (begins to walk towards one of the
multiple cave openings)

-

ACE: The single cave openings aren't big enough for him.

-

Tofu: (grabs her by the shoulder hastily) Why don't we let Kiima
lead us?

-

NACHO: Because she doesn't want to... Do you really want to follow
someone who WANTS to be rid of you?

-

She obviously knows more about these caves than we do.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima/Tour Guide> And here we come to the marvelous limestone
formations of Zar...

JUNK: In which are carved limey pictures of the female cast members...

-

Kiima: (snorts) Correct. The Phoenix have long ago mapped all of
Ryugenzawa. For all the good it will do us.

-

NACHO: Since they renovated between then and now.

-

(she walks into one
of the openings; the two Jedi follow her closely)

-

JUNK: <Kiima> Ooooooooooooh... not THAT close, Tofu-sama!

-

Ryugenzawa is
a vast network of caves carved out by the flow of the Water of
Life, which has remarkable healing properties.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> Yep, watch! When I stab the water with my sword, the
wound heals immediately!

-

Konatsu: A gift of the Force, I am sure.

Kiima: Not everything is a part of this "force", you know.

-

SHEILA: There are some things that can't be explained by this Grand
Unified Force Theory...

ACE: Like Barney, Norfin Trolls, Tickle Me Elmo...

JUNK: Male/male relationships...

NACHO: That's why we have the WSOGMM.

-

Konatsu: (smiles benignly) A misinformed opinion, but a common
one.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> Call me common again and I'll wipe that smile off of your
face!

JUNK: <Konatsu> Yes! Yes! Wipe me, baby!

SHEILA: That's gross, even for you!

-

Tofu: If the Water of Life is such a healing force, why do you
say that we're doomed?

-

ACE: You don't suppose it's because of the invading bioroids, do you?

-

Kiima: ... (doesn't look back)

-

ACE: (singing) No more, no more, no more, no more...

-

The flow leaves the tunnels after
a while, and when it bubbles to the surface it leaves openings to
these caverns.

-

NACHO: Yes, I see. Having access to healing water is definitely grounds
for being doomed.

-

(There is an ominous clatter, and the Jedi look around as Kiima
stops.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> Oops. (picks up sword)

-

They stand now at a junction of tunnels; the Phoenix
woman stares down several of the passages before finally choosing
one.

-

ACE: Eeny... meeny... miney...

NACHO: Gold miney... we want this one!

-

Tofu takes one last glance around, but whatever made the
noise is nowhere to be seen.

-

JUNK: Konatsu, however, is holding his nose and waving the air away from
his butt.

-

As they walk, the tunnel gets
slightly larger.)

Kiima: (after a few moments) Animals wander down into the
tunnels, and living down here, they...change.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> But you see, it takes them (a few moments) to get there,
so we're safe for now.

ACE: Living in constantly growing tunnels really can change a person.

JUNK: Kiima, don't you feel the urge to change too? Out of those muddy
clothes, I mean?

-

(Another low rumble sounds, and Tofu looks around worriedly.)

-

JUNK: <Tofu> Knew I shouldn't have had Mexican last night.

-

Konatsu: Change?

-

NACHO: <Kiima> Sorry, I don't have any. Just hit the machine really hard
and it'll give you a free soda.

-

Kiima: The Water of Life has unusual effects upon them. Over
time, the animals become huge, monstrous...and dangerous.

-

ACE: As opposed to huge, monstrous, and harmless.

-

(As if on cue, the tunnel wall collapses inward, sending a rain
of rubble towards the trio.

-

SHEILA: Fortunately, they brought their miniature umbrellas.

-

The Jedi whip out their lightsabers

-

JUNK: That's a new word for it. (writes this down)

SHEILA: New word for wha- oh, never mind.

-

and slash apart the boulders bouncing towards them, while Kiima
takes to the air, floating on the shockwave to safety.

-

ALL: (singing) We're on the SHOOOOOCK WAVE to SAFETY...

-

Before
the dust settles, a hulking form emerges from the opening.

-

NACHO: The Incredible Hulk!

ACE: He does look a bit like an asparagus, now that I think about it...
maybe Hulk was a member of the Gardening Union all along!

-

The
validity of Kiima's story is immediately ascertained, for the
creature looks exactly like a mole, aside from the tiny
discrepency of it being the size of a small whale.)

-

NACHO: That's a rather large discrepancy, actually...

ACE: Not to mention a large mole.

SHEILA: It's not really that large... for a giant killer mole.

JUNK: What I wouldn't give for a hamster that size...

-

Konatsu: I see your point. Tofu-Wan?

Tofu: (shuts down his lightsaber; shakes his head) I...can't.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> I... can't see her point at all. Could you explain it to
me?

-

Konatsu: (nods) May the Force guide you well, then.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Because it sure isn't guiding you well now.

-

(She steps forward, the mole swings its huge head to peer dimly
at her.)

-

SHEILA: More dimly than that. Moles are blind.

-

Kiima: (unsheathing her own sword; stares)

-

ACE: <Kiima> (staring at sword) Who replaced my sword with a banana?

-

You're actually going
to fight that thing? By yourself!?

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> No, not by myself! The mole will be fighting too!

-

Konatsu: The Force is my ally.
(With that, she leaps forward in a graceful arc...and is promptly
swatted out of the air by a massive paw.

-

ACE: <Genma> [You're getting sloppy, boy!]

-

Kiima shakes her head
in disgust.)

-

JUNK: <Kiima> Why do Tofu and Konatsu have to have their fling in front
of ME?

SHEILA: What fling?

JUNK: Well, Konatsu just got flung, anyway...

-

Kiima: Idiot...
(Tofu runs up and extricates his sensei from the wall.)

-

JUNK: <Tofu> Sensei, that's a hole in the WALL! I'm over here!

ACE: <Konatsu> Oops. (wipes himself off)

SHEILA: Ace, that was really disgusting.

JUNK: He's learning.

-

Tofu: Are you alright?

Konatsu: (rubs her head) It was...faster than I thought.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> Ukkyo could go for hours!

-

(The giant mole squeals and pulls more of its massive bulk from
the hole;

-

JUNK: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!

-

there is more rumblings as it shakes rock loose in its
passage.)

-

JUNK: New word for that too. (writes this down)

NACHO: How many more rumblings is there?

SHEILA: Huh? Oh, right. Wrong verb again.

NACHO: Avoiding verbs completely?

SHEILA: Yes, the easiest way around conjugation confusion!

ACE: Junk, what the heck are you writing all that stuff for anyway?

JUNK: Future reference. You'll see.

-

Kiima: (lands nearby) So, any more bright ideas?

-

JUNK: Yes! I want to stick my (consults notebook) lightsaber in your
(consults notebook) passage.

ACE: I'm sorry I asked.

-

Konatsu: (stands up; narrows her eyes) There is only one option
when faced with a situation such as this.

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Squint until she starts to look attractive.

NACHO: Most people use beer for that purpose.

JUNK: What I wouldn't give for a naked woman in a huge tub of beer...

ACE: Then throw away the woman and give me a straw.

JUNK: And I had such hopes for you, Ace...

-

(she holds up her
lightsaber; the glowing blade casts shadows over her face)

-

NACHO: Whereas a non-Force-powered glow would ILLUMINATE her face...

-

We
must take this path, no matter how unpleasant it might seem.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> Just relax. Say "Moo" if it gets uncomfortable.

-

Tofu: (nods reluctantly) Yes, sensei.

Kiima: (looks uneasily at the mole)

-

SHEILA: In Konatsu's case, it's a beauty mark. He's SO bishounen!

NACHO: Whatever.

-

So? What is the plan?
(shifts her sword to a ready position)

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Uh, first we get our sword ready...

SHEILA: <Kiima> Did that.

ACE: <Konatsu> Then... be ready to do something with it.

-

Konatsu: Run away!

-

SHEILA: <Tofu/Arthur> But it's only a rabbit!

ACE: <Konatsu/Tim> A great big rabbit with huge pointy teeth and sharp
claws!

-

(Kiima blinks, and turns to see Konatsu and Tofu dashing off
behind her in a cloud of dust.)

-

NACHO: Rather, she saw the cloud of dust, and assumed that they were
inside it.

-

Kiima: Hey! (waves her sword at them) Come back here, you jerks!

-

ACE: <Kiima> I'll cut you down to size!

-

(She takes off after the two.

-

SHEILA: Unfortunately, the one gets in her way.

-

The mole, now fully inside the
tunnel, gazes after its fleeing prey in a disoriented manner for
a moment, and then squeals loudly and begins to give pursuit.

-

ACE: <Mole> Some pursuit for you, some pursuit for you... no pursuit for
you, you naughty boy.

-

Kiima looks over her shoulder and sees the massive beast gaining
on them, its huge body collapsing the tunnel as it moves.)

-

NACHO: Wouldn't its huge body EXPAND the tunnel as it moves?

ACE: No, the sheer force of the gravity from its massive body is pulling
the walls inward.

-

Kiima: On second thought...run faster! Faster!

-

SHEILA: <Scotty> We canna go any faster! We need more power, Captain!

-

(She sprints and overtakes the two Jedi; the trio round a corner
with the monster only steps behind them. A sudden snapping
sound, coupled with a metallic clink, bursts out of nowhere.

-

NACHO: Great. There go the pipes.

-

Startled, the three skid to a halt and look back to see that the
mole has stopped in its tracks.

-

ACE: The train rumbles by shortly afterward, smashing the mole to bits.

-

The reason for this is fairly
obvious, as there is a large wooden rectangle mashed against its
forehead.

-

NACHO: On it is written the word "LOSER."

-

Their eyes travel along the rectangle-a sign of some
sort-

-

SHEILA: A sign that they need their eyes examined.

ACE: "If you can read this sign, you are too close to the mole."

-

and see it is connected via a chain to another wooden
slat...and another one after that, and more, forming a long chain
of wooden planks that stretch further down the passageway.

-

SHEILA: A chain of chains and wooden planks? Why?

JUNK: Prosthetic pleasure device. It's gotta be loooooooooong to satisfy
Kiima baby.

-

The
end of the chain rests in the hands of a gigantic, bulbous
humanoid. It stands over twenty feet high, with a grey-green gi
stretched over its massive, fatty frame.

-

NACHO: Let's see... signs... Genma the Hutt?

SHEILA: Gigantic, bulbous, fatty frame... the description seems to fit.

ACE: Now, now, no Genma-bashing please. Leave that to Tofu and Konatsu.

-

Its moon-shaped eyes
are focused on the trio of humans.)

Kiima: (hisses) Dojo Destroyer!

-

NACHO: Should have known.

ACE: HE'S the one that's really destroying planet Dojo. The bioroids are
just a minor nuisance.

-

Konatsu: (walks forward, smiling and arms wide) Why thank you,
my friend! Your help was most appreciated, and if we could be of
any service to you...

-

SHEILA: <Dojo Destroyer> Sure, would you mind just dropping dead for me?
Having to kill people gets my signs all bloody...

-

Kiima: Down, you fool!

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> Later, later! I'll go down on you when we're not about
to die!

-

(She leaps forward and tackles Konatsu to the ground.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> Okay... I'll do it now!

-

Just in
time, as there is a woosh of air

-

ACE: I used to love those, especially the ones with faces.

SHEILA: The WHAT?

ACE: You know, those little colored stringy balls...

NACHO: Oh. You mean Koosh.

-

and the chain returns to the
giant's hands, having slashed through the space Konatsu's head
had occupied seconds ago.)

-

NACHO: That's all Konatsu's head does... take up space.

-

Kiima: Idiot! That's a Dojo Destroyer! They hunt the creatures
down here for food, and you can imagine how dangerous that makes
them!

-

ACE: Let's see... they destroy the monstrous, dangerous creatures that
threaten the innocent citizens of Dojo... yeah, I think they need to be
wiped out before the planet becomes safe!

-

Tofu: And there is nowhere to run this time.
(He points back at the collapsed cavern around the unconscious
mole. Kiima pulls herself off of Konatsu

-

JUNK: ... reluctantly...

-

and sidles backward as
the Jedi Samurai raises herself to her knees.)

-

JUNK: <Kiima> Come on, Konatsu. You can go higher than my knees...

-

Konatsu: Perhaps we can reason with it...

-

ACE: Offer it a nice contract. Better than the evil dwarf's!

-

(The Dojo Destroyer whips the chain of planks again, and Konatsu
leaps to avoid the blow, which is driven with enough force to
open a gash in the rock floor.)

-

SHEILA: Note that the gash was already there. He just opened it.

ACE: Those maintenance crews have to learn... you can't just cover the
gashes with earth-colored blankets!

-

Konatsu: Or perhaps not.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> At least not until our lawyers show up.

ACE: Yeah, that's it! Herd the lawyers to their deaths!

-

Kiima: Attack it!
(She leaps into the air and towards the monster. It slashes at
her, but she drops to the side and glides in for a fast strike.

-

SHEILA: This fools the Dojo Destroyer, who didn't know that it was
possible to drop any way but down.

NACHO: If she can fly in this tunnel, why couldn't she fly through the
forest before?

ACE: Convention currents.

NACHO: Shouldn't that be "convection?"

ACE: Not when they're used as a plot device.

-

Unfortunately, her sword only sinks harmlessly into the
creature's frame, too short to do any real damage.)

-

ACE: That's what you get for aiming at its picture instead of the real
thing.

-

Konatsu: (dashes in and pulls her out of the way of the thing's
hand) You should leave this to me.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> My hands are so much more sensuous than his are.

-

(The monster kicks and catches them. They cry out in pain as
they are tossed into the air like rag dolls.

-

ACE: If they think they're in pain now... just wait until they hit the
ground!

-

Kiima recovers
quickly and billows out her wings to slow their descent. As they
land, Konatsu leaps from her and begins to dart around the Dojo
Destroyer, looking for an opening.

-

JUNK: There's one! In the back!

-

Kiima stands shakily and
winces as she gingerly touches her ribs.)

-

JUNK: Ooh... that's good. I don't need a man to do it for me!

NACHO: She's touching her ribs, not... never mind.

-

Kiima: (looks over at Tofu) Aren't you going to help her?

-

ACE: <Tofu> Nah, Konatsu's doing a good enough job on his own.

JUNK: I wanted that line!

-

Tofu: (shakes his head) I cannot harm a sentient being.

Kiima: (stares) You humans just keep getting more and more
stupid...

-

NACHO: <Tofu> Exactly. I can harm a human just fine.

-

(Konatsu is forced to cartwheel back as the Dojo Destroyer begins
to spin its chain rapidly and advance.)

-

SHEILA: As opposed to a more stable form of retreat, such as running.

NACHO: But Konatsu's behind it! It's the others who need to retreat when
the Dojo Destroyer advances!

-

Kiima: Aren't you Jedi supposed to be warriors?

-

ACE: <Tofu> We're supposed to be... warriors?

NACHO: <Konatsu> I thought we were the repairmen!

-

Tofu: Yes and no...the Jedi Ninja were our warriors. I am a Sage
and my sensei a Samurai; while skilled in battle, we are not the
same as them.

-

ACE: <Tofu> They could WIN battles.

-

Kiima: You didn't send one of your warriors to stop an invasion?

-

NACHO: Nope. That guy must have been a phony. Didn't you check his ID?

ACE: Would one warrior really be enough? I'd send a whole army!

SHEILA: I'd send two, just in case.

-

Tofu: The Jedi Ninja are no more. In their absence, we hope to
end conflicts with diplomacy.

-

NACHO: Nevermore will there be a conflict with diplomacy! Humans and
diplomacy will live side by side in peace!

ACE: Aboard one of the waterlily warships.

-

(Kiima growls and grabs Tofu's lightsaber from his hands.

-

JUNK: (checks notebook) Yeah! Let ME stroke it!

-

Activating it, she dashes forward despite his cries of caution.
With a cry she sticks the glowing blade forward...and there is
sharp hiss as the spinning chain intersects it.

-

ACE: More of that green gas pours out of the severed chain.

-

Milliseconds
later the chain is no more, and the suddenly freed signs go
flying off in all directions to bury themselves in the cavern
walls like monstrous teeth.)

-

SHEILA: Kiima immediately sets to work brushing them.

-

Kiima: If you want something done right...

Dojo Destroyer: (whimper)

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> Right. Whimper, and I'll do whatever you want.

-

Konatsu: Thank you, Kiima-san.
(She leaps up, slashing with her lightsaber as she arcs over the
monster's head. As she lands, a large boulder drops from the
ceiling onto the Dojo Destroyer, knocking it out instantly.)

-

ACE: The resulting cave-in due to loss of structural integrity buries
them all alive. The end.

-

Konatsu: (closing lightsaber) Shall we go?

-

JUNK: <Tofu> Oh, yes. Let's.

-

(Across time and space, in the capital of Dojo, the Queen and her
attendants have been brought before Pink and Link. The Gardening
Union duo appear to be enjoying the upper hand,

-

JUNK: The lower hand was getting just a bit too friendly, but the upper
one felt nice.

-

at least if the
amount of evil laughter is any indication.)

-

ACE: Hmmm... so far, I've heard none. Don't know what that's supposed to
indicate.

-

Pink: We'll give you one chance, over.

-

NACHO: I can have a chance over? One that I screwed up, but get to do
again?

-

Link: Sign the treaty papers that allow us control over the
planet and we shall let you go, over.

-

ACE: Nacho, is that "Let you go over, over?"

NACHO: You got it.

-

Queen: I will not sign.

-

SHEILA: HELL NO, WE WON'T SIGN!

-

Pink: (smirks) Perhaps the suffering of your people will weaken
your defiance, over.

-

SHEILA: <Queen> (checks defiance) Nope. Strong as ever I'm afraid.

-

Shinnosuke: Hah! Do your worst! The Captain of the Guard has
yet to be captured, and will surely free the Queen!

-

NACHO: WILL Shirley free the queen? Stay tuned to find out!

-

Queen: Shinnosuke, you -are- the Captain of the Guard.

Shinnosuke: Oh...well, that makes my job harder, I guess.

-

ACE: Yeah. It was a lot easier when he was just a janitor.

-

Link: If you will not cooperate, then we are forced to resort to
sterner measures.

-

SHEILA: <Caligula> Put her in the scuba suit with the bottom cut out,
and release the rampant wildebeest!

ACE: Sing Britney Spears songs at her until her head explodes!

NACHO: Force her to read Anime Yuy from beginning to end!

SHEILA AND ACE: (gasp) That's too cruel!

-

(turns to one of the ubiquitous bioroids) Take
her to the camps, over.

-

NACHO: <Queen> Yay! We're having a camp-over!

-

Bioroid#45: Yes, ma'am.
(Meanwhile, we see a dark figure approaching the city's defensive
walls.

-

NACHO: They've done a great job so far of keeping the bioroids out...

-

Darth Kumon smiles from within the shadows of his hood,
and raises his fist...within the city,

-

NACHO: See? Some walls, if his fist is already within the city!

-

a section of the wall
suddenly bulges like a soap bubble before exploding a shower of
rubble.

-

ACE: Meanie! What had that shower of rubble ever done to you?

-

The cloaked Kumon strides through the hole, looks around
briefly, and then sets off towards the palace. The scene returns
to the Queen, who we see is being escorted through the streets by
several dozen bioroids, along with her entourage.

-

SHEILA: Interesting name for concubines.

JUNK: (writes this down)

-

Shinnosuke
appears to be enjoying the trip, jovially walking along with his
broom over his shoulder.)

-

ACE: Oh, I see. Shinnosuke IS her entourage.

NACHO: No, no! There's Old Man, Another Old Man, Yet Another Old Man,
and... they never did name that last guy, did they?

SHEILA: Probably Old Man#4, given the other naming schemes in this
story.

-

Voice: Now!
(The bioroids look up as a figure leaps from the overhanging
walkway. A flash and the signature snap-hiss of a lightsaber
accompanies the move,

-

NACHO: That snap-hiss thing again? What is that supposed to be?

ACE: The same sound as the ! from the title, I think...

-

and a moment later two of the humanoid
plants fall limply to the ground.)

Queen: Who...?

-

NACHO: (sighs) TWO OF THE HUMANOID PLANTS. You know, the - oh, forget
it.

-

(The figure lands and manages to insert a bow

-

NACHO: Tied with a ribbon, yet.

ACE: No, she was trying to shoot an arrow, but let go with the wrong
hand.

-

as she deftly
bisects another bioroid; it is Konatsu.)

-

NACHO: (double take) Konatsu was a bioroid? I never saw THAT one coming!

JUNK: He deserves it, the cross-dressing freak! Getting my hopes up back
in part 1...

-

Konatsu: We're here to help you!
(The Queen blinks, but before she can reply Kiima grabs her from
behind.

-

JUNK: No! Kiima's a lesbian? B&E, why must you torture me so?

-

With a flap of her wings, the Phoenix woman pulls her up
and out of danger.

-

ACE: And into the blades of a low-flying GU transport.

-

At the same time, Tofu emerges from a nearby
alley and disarms-in the most literal sense of the word-

-

NACHO: And disarms-out a more figurative sense.

-

two
bioroids taking a bead on Konatsu.

-

JUNK: Now THAT'S a new word for it... (writes this down) These guys are
even sicker than I am!

ACE: Now let's be fair... if they'd said "drawing a bead," I'm sure we'd
be cracking artist jokes by now.

-

Another bioroid raises its
weapon...and is sent flying as Shinnosuke's broom slams into the
side of its head.

-

SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> I don't remember there being a bioroid there last
time I cleaned this part of the city!

-

He then lashes out in a circle with his
unusual weapon, knocking three more of the plant commandos away.
The rest of the bioroids fall in short order,

-

ACE: <Shinnosuke> All right, you bioroids line up from shortest to
tallest!

-

and the group
quickly hurry over to the shadows of a nearby alcove.)

-

NACHO: As usual, a dark figure in a concealing cloak steps out of the
shadow to make room for them.

-

Queen: Thank you, madam Jedi. You help is most appreciated.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> "Is most appreciated" doesn't need our help!

-

Konatsu: Think nothing of it, your highness.

-

SHEILA: <Queen> Think nothing of what?

ACE: <Konatsu> Exactly! Wow, I heard you were dense, but I had no
idea...

SHEILA: Neither does she.

-

I am Konatsu, Jedi
Samurai, and this is my apprentice Tofu-Wan Kenobi. The woman
who rescued you is Kiima, of the Phoenix.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> And this is Tess of the D'Ubervilles, and Roger of the
Raj, and...

-

Queen: (looks curiously at a scowling Kiima) I have heard of
your tribe, but this is the first time I have met one of you.

Kiima: (snort) Don't expect me to do tricks.

-

SHEILA: <Queen> No, you're thinking of Letterman.

-

Queen: No, I merely wish to thank you.

-

ACE: <Jeannie> Your wish is granted, master. [BOING]

-

Kiima: Whatever. I suggest we get out of the open before we're
spotted.

-

NACHO: Aren't they in the shadow? That conceals everyone else just fine.

-

Konatsu: Excellent idea. Your highness, do you know where we may
find the Viceroy of the Gardening Union?

-

ACE: <Queen> Right next to the Monarch.

NACHO: <Queen> Wait... that would be me!

ACE: Actually, I was talking about the butterflies... but that works
too.

-

Queen: You're going to attack? I thought the Jedi did not
condone such things.

-

SHEILA: Condone, no. Do, yes!

-

Konatsu: (blinks) Attack? Oh, no. I merely wish to speak with
them and sort out this matter. I'm certain this is all a huge
misunderstanding.

-

NACHO: That's the problem with this story. Nobody understands anything!

ACE: Oh, I understand it all just fine.

SHEILA: Really? Then how about explaining it to us?

ACE: It's quite simple... Hey! Look at that!

OTHERS: What?

ACE: (leaves room quickly)

NACHO: We have to find a way to stop him from doing that... he'll miss
all the best parts!

-

Shinnosuke: That's a great plan! I'll see if I can find the
Captain of the Guard to escort you! (proceeds to peer around)

-

NACHO: Located right behind Pier 1 Imports.

-

Queen: (sweatdrop; aside to Tofu) Is she always like this?

Tofu: (smiles) Yes. (clears throat) Sensei, perhaps we should
escort the Queen to Coruscant so that we may clear up the
misunderstanding at the source.

-

SHEILA: So Blade and Epsilon live on Coruscant, eh?

JUNK: What good will having the Queen there do? That won't clear up
anything!

NACHO: How... insightful of you, Junk.

JUNK: Yeah... they're probably planning to sell sexual favors to the
authors in exchange for some significant advancement of the plot.

-

Kiima: Wow. An intelligent suggestion for once.

Konatsu: (nods) That sounds reasonable. However, we'll need some
sort of craft if we're to fly off-planet.

-

SHEILA: We can build a droid out of toothpicks!

NACHO: Witchcraft...

SHEILA: Kraft cheese, maybe?

-

Queen: Shinnosuke, why don't you guide us to the hangars?

Shinnosuke: That job is better suited to the Captain of the
Guard, your majesty.

-

NACHO: This is why they have a Captain of the Guard, you see... not to
lead their army, but to lead them to the hangars.

-

Queen: (sighs) That would be you, Shinnosuke.

Shinnosuke: Oh...yeah...right... (rubs the back of his head in
embaressment) Sorry, my memory isn't what it used to be.

-

NACHO: And how would he remember what his memory used to be like?

JUNK: He rubbed the back of his head into a bare ass!

NACHO: (stares at the words) Close enough...

-

(pauses) But we'll have to be careful. There are traps all over
the city.

-

SHEILA: Tourist traps.

-

(Shinnosuke walks forward and promptly falls into a concealed
pit. Several bowling balls drop in after him.)

-

NACHO: What brainless bowling balls.

-

Queen: ... (to her retainer) Why don't -you- lead us to the
hangars?

-

SHEILA: <Retainer> Ack! I've been stabbed to death!

-

Retainer: At once, your majesty.
(Switch scenes to the hangar bay, where several bioroids are
guarding the captured Dojo fighter craft and the sleek, chromed
royal shuttle.

-

ACE: (returns) Did I miss anything?

JUNK: The authors want to spend some quality time with the Queen. Nudge
nudge, wink wink.

NACHO: They're trying to get to the hangars to escape.

ACE: Oh, locked their keys in the shuttle again, eh?

SHEILA: They have a choice of the sleek royal shuttle or the captured
pruning shears... any bets on which one they'll try to escape in?

-

The intrepid group of heros walk into the area
without any attempts at concealment.)

-

NACHO: Meanwhile, OUR group of heroes hide behind every object in sight.

-

Queen: What is your plan, Jedi?

Konatsu: Do not worry, your majesty. I shall deal with this
situation.

-

SHEILA: <Queen> Ah, indeed, your most cunning, well thought-out plan
yet!

-

(Konatsu walks confidently up to the first duo of asparagus-like
bioweapons.)

-

ACE: <Konatsu> I bet you guys'd taste really good in a light butter
sauce.

-

Bioroid#82: Halt. State your business.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> (puts on black sunglasses, takes out ID card) Jedi
Samurai, Division 6.

-

Konatsu: We are Jedi from the Republic, here to free the Queen
from wrongful imprisonment by the Union and take her to
Coruscant, where the actions of your masters will be
investigated.

-

SHEILA: <Bioroid#82> Oh, go right ahead then.

ACE: Haven't they already rescued the Queen from imprisonment by the
Union? You know, the whole chopping up the bioroids thing?

NACHO: Unfortunately, she's still a slave to the authors' whims.

JUNK: Don't I know it! Don't worry, Queenie! I'll free you, and then
make you my love slave!

SHEILA: I bet she'd rather stay a prisoner.

-

If you would please step aside, we'll be on our
way.
(Everyone sweatdrops.)

-

NACHO: Not absurd enough. If he'd made them facefault, he could just
walk right past.

-

Bioroid#82: Uhh...if we don't let you go, you'll kill us, won't
you?

Konatsu: Well...yes, probably.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> But try not to hold it against us, OK?

-

Bioroid#82: (to partner) I didn't see anything, did you?

-

SHEILA: <Mousse> Nope, not a thing.

-

Bioroid#96: Nope. Never saw a thing.

Konatsu: See? You just have to be polite and you get better
results.

-

JUNK: <Tofu> OK. Can I PLEASE be on top this time?

-

Tofu: A good lesson, sensei.
(They walk over to the shuttle and up the entrance ramp. Inside,
the group scatters to their various places.

-

NACHO: <Director> Places everyone! Let's see if we can get the shuttle
escape sequence in one take!

-

Konatsu and Tofu, on
their way to the cockpit, stop in surprise as they see the way is
blocked by a droid.

-

SHEILA: They'd never seen a droid capable of blocking an entire hallway.

-

This perhaps would not be so unusual, except
that the droid is an Okono model...which has mistakenly had its
spatula attachment grafted in place of its head.)

-

ACE: Ukkyo pissed Ranma off one time too many.

-

Droid: Just great. Now the bad guys will storm the ship. And
I'll be destroyed first, because I'm just a droid and noone will
have any problems using the droid as a shield!

-

SHEILA: Of course they will... it's not bulletproof!

NACHO: That's only a problem for noone... Michael Noone, professional
coward.

ACE: Hi, Noone!

-

Konatsu: What an unusual droid...

Voice: There you are, Ok-chan.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Attack!

NACHO: <Queen> No, she's OK. OK-chan, to be exact.

-

(Konatsu and Tofu turn to see one of the Queen's retainers. She
is a brown-haired girl on the cusp of puberty,

-

JUNK: I just love what puberty does to the cusp... (writes down the new
term)

-

dressed in the
standard formal kimono of the retainers. She approached the
droid and pats it on the shoulder.)

-

NACHO: Everything else is in present tense... so she must have
approached the droid before the fanfic even started!

-

Retainer: Hiding here until the invasion ends, I'd wager.

Ok-chan: You can be brave all you want. Invading armies take
humans hostage...they use droids as power cell resuppliers.

-

ACE: Nabiki's prices are way too high.

-

Konatsu: How rude. We should appeal to the Senate for reforms to
the warfare act.

-

SHEILA: <Queen> What a great idea! We'll outlaw war! That will stop the
invasion!

-

Tofu: Why don't we do that once we get to Coruscant?

Konatsu: An excellent suggestion.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> Unfortunately, I didn't come up with it, so we'll have
to reject it.

-

Retainers: There is just one problem with that...unless one of
you knows how to fly the ship?

Tofu: You mean there's no pilot?

Retainer: Unfortunately, no. But the Union is likely holding the
pilots and flight crews near here...

-

SHEILA: Because it's so much more convenient for the escaping hostages
that way.

-

Konatsu: I'll just go fetch them, then. Won't be a minute.

-

ACE: A year later...

-

Tofu: Perhaps I should go instead. If the armies attack the
shuttle...

-

SHEILA: <Tofu> ... I want to be where it's safe.

-

Konatsu: (nods) A good point. (she turns to the retainer) You
know your way around the palace, Ms...?

Retainer: Nodoka, madam Jedi.

-

NACHO: Nodoka is also a Jedi?

ACE: Madam Jedi, no less.

-

Konatsu: (nods again) Very well, why don't you lead Tofu-Wan?

-

ACE: <Tofu> Because you're the sensei.

-

We'll get the ship prepped for flight.
(Shortly thereafter, the young Jedi and his even younger guide
are moving down a hallway.

-

NACHO: Is Tofu really older than Nodoka?

SHEILA: And do they really have the strength to move down a whole
hallway?

ACE: <Set manager> Uh, yeah, that hallway's too high. Needs to be moved
down a bit. Yeah, that's right. Good work, people.

-

Presently, Tofu opens a door, to
reveal several uniformed men being held at gunpoint by two
bioroids.)

-

SHEILA: <Tofu> Sorry, we'll come back later.

JUNK: <Tofu> Yeah, we don't want to get in the middle of your S&M.

-

Tofu: Excuse me, Nodoka-san.

-

JUNK: That curry's repeating on me again...

-

Nodoka: If you insist, Tofu-Wan.
(Tofu walks in and deftly smacks the bioroids on the backs of
their "necks" with the butt of his lightsaber;

-

JUNK: The amazing thing is, "necks" is the only innuendo in that
sentence.

-

the plant-
creatures crumple to the floor.)

Nodoka: That was extremely merciful.

-

NACHO: Yes, far more merciful than, say, killing them.

SHEILA: He could have just let them go. They wouldn't have stopped him.

NACHO: Or waved his hand and destroyed them, leaving no evidence.

ACE: Instead, he's left them to answer to the evil dwarf for their
failure.

NACHO: Right. And we know what the evil guys in Star Wars do to those
who fail them...

ALL EXCEPT JUNK: (cringe)

SHEILA: Yep. There were many more merciful things he could have done.

JUNK: It's not something sexy, right?

ACE: No. Just very painful.

JUNK: (belated cringe)

-

Tofu: It is the Jedi way to avoid uneccessary destruction.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> We still, however, don't have a way to avoid unnecessary
spelling errors.

ACE: <Nodoka> And here's the sane person's way to avoid destruction...
find another entrance!

-

Nodoka: (turning to the men) We're flying the queen out of here,
come quickly.

-

JUNK: <Men> We're trying! We're trying! These pictures of Cologne just
aren't doing a thing for us!

NACHO: Ack! Never do that again!

-

(One of the pilots steps forward, an old bearded man in a baggy
jumpsuit. He's crying tears of joy.)

Old Pilot: How wonderful! We won't have to suffer here!

-

ACE: <Old Pilot> We can go suffer someplace else!

-

Tofu: In... (he stops, his head snapping around to look back out
the door) What?

-

SHEILA: <Director> I said, be more energetic! Smile more!

ACE: <Director> Get a haircut!

-

Nodoka: (turns, but doesn't see anything) More bioroids?

-

NACHO: <Tofu> No thanks, these two were tough enough.

ACE: <Tofu> Besides, I just ate.

-

Tofu: No, not that. Something is coming... (his eyes narrow,
light glinting off his glasses) Something dark...

-

NACHO: <Tofu> But which emits enough light to glint off of my glasses
and force my eyes shut.

-

(He grabs Nodoka and the old man and dashes out the door.)

Old Pilot: (blinks) What's going on?

Tofu: A dark force approaches. We must leave as soon as
possible!

-

ACE: <Tofu> Yeah! We don't even have time to rescue the other pilots!

-

(Tofu runs down the hall, the two flung over his shoulder like
duffle bags. Nodoka looks up, just as a dark figure rounds the
far corner.

-

NACHO: More filleting, I suppose.

-

The cold, flint-like eyes of Darth Kumon catch her
own,

-

SHEILA: Her own cold, flint-like eyes?

-

and he stops. For a split second time seems to stand sill,
and the air is charged with energy.)

-

ACE: Then time leaps off the sill, and the escape continues.

SHEILA: With the addition of one very bad case of static cling.

-

Kumon: It's you.

-

SHEILA: <Nodoka> No, it's not. You must be mistaking me for some other
me.

-

(Then Tofu turns and dashes into the hangar, making for the ship
at top speed. Kumon does not pause any longer, striding down the
hallway. As he leaps inside the ship, Tofu dumps Nodoka
unceremoniously on the floor and races to the cockpit.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> Let's get out of here! Darth Kumon's on the ship already!

ACE: <Konatsu> Not yet! Go back and perform the
dumping-Nodoka-on-the-floor ceremony at once!

-

The girl
glares at him, then turns to look out the hatch. At that moment
Kumon enters the hangar, and for another split second their eyes
meet.

-

ACE: We're splitting a lot of seconds here...

JUNK: Quit staring at each other! Just jump out and start making out
already!

-

Then the doorway closes. Kumon growls and begins to
sprint towards the ship, but even as he does so it rises from the
floor, the engines on the back flaring to life.

-

NACHO: <Kumon> Hey! Can't you read the signs? No smoking!

ACE: No, that was Tofu and Konatsu's original ship.

NACHO: Oh, yeah. What happened to that, anyway?

SHEILA: Last seen off the coast of Havana.

-

He grunts as the
backdraft pushes him away, but this only halts him for a moment.
As the ship blasts out into the sky, he runs forward, hand
sliding into his dark cloak and retrieving a coil of sturdy rope.

-

ACE: <Kumon> No, no... where did I put that cannon?

NACHO: I think Mousse borrowed it.

-

Reaching the end of the hangar, he leaps out into the void. As
the ship flies upward, he snaps the cord like a lasso towards
it...and misses as the shuttle pulls out of reach.

-

NACHO: He'd forgotten to tie a loop at the end.

-

With a growl
of frustration, he snaps his wrist down, sending the rope back
down into the hangar where it snaps tight around a convienent
protrusion.

-

JUNK: Ow!

-

Pulling the cord taut, he spins so that his feet
take the impact as he hits the wall of the cliff, sending a
shower of cracked rock down into the forest below.

-

ACE: They land randomly on a few bugs and squash them, thus eradicating
a future sapient species from existence.

-

Quickly
pulling himself up into the hangar, he stares coldly at the
bioroids.)

Kumon: You let them go. (holds up a hand, cracking the knuckles
ominously) I feel the need to vent.

-

JUNK: (holds nose)

-

Bioroid#96: Next time, I'm asking for latrine duty...
(Out in space, the sleek silver shuttle flies steadily towards
the armada of Plant Control Ships.

-

SHEILA: It would make more sense to fly AWAY from the enemy, but none of
these people seem to want to make sense today...

-

In the cockpit, the old man
sits behind the controls, Shinnosuke and Konatsu close behind
him.)

-

JUNK: <Old Man> Kindly keep the moaning down to a dull roar! Some of us
are trying to fly shuttles here!

-

Old Pilot: We're coming up on the blockade.

Shinnosuke: If only my grandfather were here! He could fly us
through this!

-

ACE: <Old Pilot> He died three years ago, Shinnosuke... while trying to
fly through the Plant Control Armada.

SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> Oh, right. I forgot.

-

Old Pilot: (sighs) Shinnosuke, I'm right here...

-

NACHO: <Shinnosuke> Yes, and I'm right here, and Konatsu's right
there...

JUNK: <Konatsu> Want to join us? The more the merrier!

-

Shinnosuke: Grandfather! You're alive! (he grabs the old man in
a fierce hug)

-

ACE: <Shinnosuke> You owe me three hundred bucks for the funeral!

-

Grandfather: Ack! Shinnosuke...I can't fly...like this!
(The shuttle suddenly rocks as loud concussions are heard.

-

NACHO: The entire cast is now comatose.

ACE: At least we've got some nice music while we wait for them to
recover. This ship ROCKS!

-

Konatsu hastily leans over and grabs the controls.)

-

JUNK: <Grandfather> That's not the joystick, madam Jedi...

-

Konatsu: Perhaps the reunion could be celebrated at a later time.
Now, surviving would be more advisable.

-

ACE: No! Die, all of you! Die now!

-

Shinnosuke: (pulls back) Yes, of course. You're so wise,
Konatsu-san.

-

NACHO: <Shinnosuke> I wouldn't have thought of staying alive! You're so
wise!

-

(Konatsu graciously nods and releases the controls back to
Shinnosuke's grandfather.)

Grandfather: (looks at the readouts) Oh no!

-

SHEILA: <Grandfather> The pizza I ordered will be late!

ACE: <Grandfather> My credit card's been declined!

NACHO: <Grandfather> This isn't a spaceship! It's only a simulator!

JUNK: Hey, I wouldn't mind riding in a stimulator!

-

They shot out the
shield generator! Without it, we'll be killed for sure!

-

ACE: <Grandfather> If we still had it, we'd only be killed for escaping.

-

(He bursts into tears, while Konatsu looks mildly worried. After
a moment, Kiima, who has been standing near the back trying her
best to look uninterested in what's going on, pipes up.)

-

ACE: She has to PRETEND to be uninterested?

-

Kiima: Well, send the droid out to fix it, then.

Ok-chan: What did I ever do to you?

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> You tried to stop us from getting to the cockpit when we
first got on the ship!

ACE: <Ok-chan> OK, but ASIDE from that...

-

Kiima: Nothing. But you can go out into space, while none of us
can.

Ok-chan(protesting): I'm a cook droid, not a repair droid! I
don't have the tools!

-

JUNK: Droids don't come in genders, do they? They don't need "tools."

ACE: <Bones> Dammit, Kiima. I'm a chef, not a mechanic.

-

Grandfather: Don't you Okono units have a flame attachment that
can be used to weld?

-

ACE: <Ok-chan> Only to weld chains out of sausage links.

-

Ok-chan: But...it broke...really, it did!
(Kiima picks him up and shoves him into the airlock.)

-

NACHO: <Kiima> OK, take a time-out, Ok-chan. Five minutes, then you can
come out if you've learned your lesson.

-

Kiima: Repair it or don't bother coming back in.
(With a metallic gulp,

-

SHEILA: The next largest size of Slurpee.

-

Ok-chan climbs out onto the ship. He
scurries across the wing, barely evading multiple laser cannon
shots by a product of luck and fear

-

NACHO: Rather than from a laser cannon.

-

more than skill or timing.
Finally he reaches a large blaster burn on the wing and...stares
dumbly at it for several moments.)

-

ACE: <Ok-chan> Nobody told me there'd be a burn mark where they shot the
ship!

SHEILA: <Ok-chan> I'm squeamish! I can't stand the sight of wires!

-

Grandfather: (over radio) Weld the rupture shut so the generator
isn't exposed, and it will start working again!

-

NACHO: Is that all? Why bother hiring mechanics?

ACE: Wish American made cars were that easy to repair. "Just close the
hood, and the engine will start running again."

-

Ok-chan: (points hand at the burn) Right, the sooner the
better... (a flame leaps from his hand, straight into his
spatula-shaped head)

-

SHEILA: <Ok-chan> I KNEW I should have gotten that flame-resistant head
option!

ACE: Rather than the flame-assistant head option.

-

EAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!! (he leaps up and
begins to run around in circles, dodging laser bolts by inches)

-

NACHO: Not that it matters. His head's already on fire.

-

My face! My beautiful face!

-

ACE: It will never flip another okonomiyaki!

-

Grandfather: Fix the generator or we'll all be blown away!

Ok-chan: (sniffle) Fine, just forgot which way the heater
fired...

-

NACHO: <Shinnosuke> Here, let me help you with that...

-

(He turns his hand the other way, and quickly welds the rupture
shut. In the cockpit, Shinnosuke's grandfather lets out a whoop
of joy.)

-

SHEILA: <Grandfather> Ack! The whoop's escaped! Quick, get it back
before it damages the ship!

ACE: What's a "whoop" supposed to be, anyway?

JUNK: The sound that a Whoopie Cushion makes, naturally!

NACHO: And a joyful one, at that.

-

Grandfather: It's fixed! Now we just need to pick a hyperspace
vector...

Konatsu: It appears we won't have much choice on that. A blast
hit our hyperdrive fuel pod...

-

NACHO: Which didn't explode, miraculously...

ACE: They use the latest non-flammable hyperdrive fuel.

-

Kiima: Just get us out of here, groundling!

Konatsu: But without fuel, the hyperdrive loses accuracy and
control...

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> But it does gain a great deal of fuel efficiency!

-

Kiima: I don't care how it works! Once those big things close in
on us, we won't stand a chance!

-

NACHO: They stand a chance now?

-

Konatsu: Very well...let the Force guide us, then.

-

ACE: And failing that, we'll use the navigation computer.

-

(She hits a few buttons, and the ship dives into hyperspace with
a flicker of pseudo-motion...and snaps out again, hanging over a
giant brown dustball of a planet.)

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Ready vacuum attachment!

-

Kiima: So where are we now?

Grandfather: (checks his instruments) Tokyo. It's a backwater
world in a system a fair bit off the main space lanes.

-

NACHO: And yet the entire cast of Urusei Yatsura managed to find their
way there...

-

Tofu: (entering the bridge) At least that means they'll have a
hard time tracking us; especially after that random leap.

-

ACE: <Tofu> Good thing I brought this tracking device with me. That
should help them out.

-

Konatsu: Yet you sound unhappy, Tofu-wan.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> Yeah, I was hoping to see some action.

SHEILA: In this fic? Ha!

ACE: <Konatsu> Tofu, you can't fight, remember?

NACHO: <Tofu> I didn't say I wanted to be part of the action! I just
want to SEE some!

-

Tofu: (grimaces) We used the last of the fuel stabilizing that
leap. We'll need to refuel here.

Shinnosuke: So we must set down and find a source for fuel and
repairs.

-

ACE: Just close the fuel tank; that will get it working again.

NACHO: They can't do that... Ok-chan never made it back into the ship.
He's still stranded out in space with the Gardening Union.

SHEILA: He's a cook droid, held captive by a race of vegetables. He'll
have everyone out of there in a stir-fry!

-

It's too bad my grandfather isn't here; he's a great
starship mechanic.

Grandfather: (cries) Shinnosuke has forgotten me!

-

ACE: We wish we all could.

-

Kiima: (facepalm) All humans are insane. It's the only
explanation.

-

NACHO: It doesn't explain why SHE'S facepalming...

-

Tofu: (examines a panel) Sensors say there is a colony with a
suitable tech level on the surface.

-

ACE: But examining beneath the surface, we found it inadequate to our
needs.

-

Konatsu: Excellent. Let us land on the outskirts then, and I
will go in to negotiate for what we need.

-

JUNK: That's my boy! Negotiate the inner skirts!

-

(At that point, the door opens yet again. The young servant
Nodoka moves as if to walk in, then notices the now-decidedly
cramped situation and hovers uncertainly at the entrance.)

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> What have I told you about playing with our hover-unit?

-

Nodoka: Jedi Konatsu, what of the people of Dojo?

Konatsu: I'm sure they'll be fine until we return. The Gardening
Union struck me as nice enough people.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Everyone I meet strikes me, but they didn't do it quite
as hard.

-

Nodoka: (pauses) Is there any way to contact our people?

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Only by singing telegram.

-

Tofu: If we do that, we risk revealing our location to our
enemies.
(There is a thump as they set down on the surface.)

-

ACE: The loud thump reveals their location to their enemies.

-

Grandfather: We're here.

Konatsu: Good work. Now, why don't you and Tofu-Wan work on the
repairs while I take a group into the city to get our supplies?

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> We left them here when we last visited.

-

Kiima: I'm coming with you. (scowls) I don't want to be cooped
up in this flying thing any longer than necessary.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> I have an intense distrust for flying things.

-

Konatsu: As you wish, Kiima-san.

Nodoka: I wish to accompany you as well. (looks stubborn) The
Queen...

-

NACHO: <Nodoka> ... can look this stubborn when she doesn't get what she
wants. I just kick and scream.

-

Konatsu: (claps her on the back) Wonderful! The more the
merrier! I'm sure it will be a great learning experience for
you!

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> I'll start by teaching you about the birds and the bees.

-

Nodoka: (blinks) Uh...fine...
(As they walk out into the harsh desert sun, Kiima takes a moment
to luxuriously stretch her wings, too long kept folded by the
cramped interior of the shuttle.

-

ACE: However, when not kept folded by the cramped interior of the
shuttle, they shorten to the proper length.

-

Then she yelps as a figure
suddenly smashes to the ground beside her. She pulls away,
fingers in a strange position,

-

JUNK: It's not THAT strange... I've had my fingers there plenty of
times. Most women seem to enjoy it.

-

then sigh in relief as she notices
it is Ok-chan, his metallic body covered in a layer of purplish
scorch marks.)

-

NACHO: <Nodoka> Oh, good. I was afraid he'd burn an unfashionable color.

-

Konatsu: Oh dear. We forgot to take him back inside before we
went into hyperspace.

Ok-chan: The horror...the horror...

-

SHEILA: The melodrama...

-

Konatsu: Oh well. (begins to walk away)

Nodoka: (starts to follow; then stops, looking at the hapless
droid) Wait. Ok-chan, you're responsible for saving all our
lives...

-

ACE: <Ok-chan> Sorry, it won't happen again. Believe me.

-

Ok-chan: Yes...help me...

Nodoka: (pats him on the head) Good work. You can have a lube
job when we get back.

-

NACHO: <Nodoka> Yeah, the extra oil will make sure you burn up properly
next time!

-

(They walk out into the desert as Ok-chan collapses in a heap. A
short time later, they come within sight of the town, a motley
collection of squat, single-story structures that stretch out
into the distance. As they enter, the trio walk past dozens of
groups of various aliens travelling, talking, drinking or
participating in any number of likely illegal activities.

-

ACE: As well as one or two unlikely illegal activities.

SHEILA: Like moose-tipping and sand-art graffiti.

-

One of
those groups is sitting around a table playing cards, shielded
from the harsh sun by a garish red awning. The creatures are a
variety of shapes, sizes and colours,

-

NACHO: Surprisingly, this includes no actual forms of life. Just
geometric figures, measurements, and wavelengths of light are at this
table.

-

but perhaps the most
unusual is the one at the head of the table; a short, squat being
that resembles a giant face card himself. A king, more
precisely.)

-

ACE: Yes, the humanoid one is always the most unusual in a Star Wars
parody.

-

King: Ha! (lays down his cards with a flourish) Four aces! I win
again!

-

NACHO: <Gambler> Not so fast! I've got FIVE aces!

SHEILA: <Gambler> Oh yeah! Well, I've got SIX aces!

ACE: <King> You must be cheating!

NACHO: <Gambler> Well, it's YOUR deck...

-

(The others look at the winning hand with scowls-or the
equivalent-on their faces-or their equivalent. Scowls which
noticibly deepen-or whatever-when they notice that three of the
playing-card king's aces happen to be the same suit.)

-

ACE: <King> Slow laundry day. They all had to borrow each other's suits.

-

King: (looks around at the group, sweats) Eh-heh...there seems
to be some sort of misunderstanding...

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> Come with us to Coruscant, where we'll find all of the
explanations we seek!

ACE: Right. Just follow the yellow star road to see the Jedi Wizard of
Coruscant...

-

(Waving arms, tentacles, spines, pseudopods and what appears to
be a sentient camcorder, the irate group of aliens chase King
past the group of heros, causing Kiima to stare after them.)

Kiima: I take it back. Humans aren't the only insane species.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> Camcorders are now prominently featured on my list.

NACHO: But we've known all along that camcorders were screwed up. Ever
try to operate one?

JUNK: I tried to film a porno with one once...

SHEILA: We don't need to hear about it.

-

Konatsu: We should try one of the smaller shops. Even though it
seems safe, we shouldn't attract any undue attention.

-

ACE: So, how much attention IS due?

-

(They walk into the nearest shop, a grubby affair sporting a
variety of droids and various chunks of machinery. Nodoka's
expression shows considerable distaste as she glances around the
filthy shop.

-

JUNK: <Nodoka> Konatsu, we'll have to clean up before we make out.

-

Kiima examines some of the wares, while Konatsu
approaches the counter, upon which is sitting a small wooden
figurine dressed in a butler's outfit.)

-

ACE: The butler did it.

SHEILA: His name's Willowby, right?

ACE: Nah. Probably Ashton.

NACHO: Corksworth.

JUNK: Why not Woody?

NACHO: Why not indeed...

-

Konatsu: (peers around) Ah, hello...is anyone here?

Puppet: I'm here, sir.

-

ACE: Oh, that's his name.

SHEILA: "Heresir?" I liked most of ours better.

-

Konatsu: (blinks) Oh...very sorry, Mr. Puppet. Could you help
me, please?

-

JUNK: <Puppet> Sure. (hands Konatsu a box of Viagra) Take two of these
and call me when it starts working.

-

Puppet: My master will be with you shortly.

Konatsu: No hurry! (smiles)

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> I'll just stands here and pose for a while like a good
little bishounen.

-

Kiima: (irritably smacks Konatsu upside the head) Speak for
yourself!

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> On behalf of myself... STOP HITTING ME!

-

(At that point the puppet floats up from the table, and we see it
is attached to the arm of an elegantly dressed man with grey
skin.)

-

ACE: <Grey man> Get this thing off me! Get it off!

SHEILA: Experiments with superglue gone hideously wrong...

-

Man: How may I help you?

Konatsu: (blinks again) Ah..yes. We seek...

-

NACHO: <Man> Then ye shall find. That is all. Good day.

-

Man: You seek what I have. (smiles charmingly) My name is
Kinnosuke, and I have everything you need if you have the money I
want.

-

SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> Small, unmarked, nonconsecutive bills.

-

Konatsu: Well, yes, I'm sure that's true...

Kinnosuke: (puts arm around Konatsu's shoulder) Now, ma'am, why
don't we discuss your purchase out back?

-

NACHO: Even I'M seeing innuendoes in that one!

JUNK: <Konatsu> I'm five hundred for the night, one thousand if you want
me to take my clothes off...

-

Konatsu: (as Kinnosuke steers her around) But I'm not a...

-

ACE: <Kiima> Shut up! We need the money!

-

Kinnosuke: Of course you aren't, you want to see my stock first.

-

JUNK: (writes in notebook)

-

You, ma'am, are a shrewd bargainer. (yells to the side) BOY!
(turns back to Konatsu) I'm afraid you have me outgunned.

-

JUNK: Damn, he noticed that Konatsu's a guy! His cover's blown!

ACE: He's more of a man than Kinnosuke, by his own admission.

-

(looks
over again) MAN THE COUNTER, BOY! (to Konatsu) You will show
mercy, won't you?

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Sure, I'll go easy on you. I'll only use a cat of
eight tails.

NACHO: <Konatsu> A reduced forty lashes with a wet noodle.

-

I have to make a living, after all.

Konatsu: Well, of course...

Kinnosuke: I'm glad to see we agree, then!

-

JUNK: <Kinnosuke> So we agree. I'LL be the man this time, you can be the
next time!

NACHO: Even when we're all making innuendoes, Junk is the man...

JUNK: Oh, you want some too?

OTHERS: NO!

-

(As he steers Konatsu out back, a yong boy enters.

-

NACHO: <Kinnosuke> Yong boy! (snaps fingers) Yong boy!

-

No older than
eight, the new arrival is short and wiry, wearing a dirty white
gi and spectacles held to his face by loops of string.

-

ACE: <Kiima> Why does he have a gi attached to his face?

SHEILA: <Nodoka> Probably to cover the premature acne.

-

Leaping
up onto the counter, he looks at the two guests for a moment.)

Boy: (to Kiima) I've never seen your type before.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> O negative? It's not THAT uncommon...

-

What species
are you?

Kiima(regally): I am of the Phoenix.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> (Irregally), I'm an immigrant.

ACE: <Boy> So if I kill you, you'll rise up in flames, right? (shoots
Kiima)

NACHO: <Nodoka> (stares at Kiima's twitching corpse) Apparently not.

-

Boy: (shrugs) Never heard of them. Must be pretty minor.

-

SHEILA: Oh, yeah. This kid's got a death wish, all right.

-

Kiima: (glares) We are a more advanced civilization than yours,
boy.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> (sticks out tongue) Girls are BETTER than boys!

-

Boy: Then how come everybody's heard of humans and nobody's heard
of you?

-

ACE: <Kiima> Oh, I've heard of humans, all right. But none of it was
good.

-

Kiima: Maybe because we aren't as obnoxious?

Nodoka: You aren't being very polite.

-

NACHO: She's in sort of a grey area in terms of manners.

-

Do you treat all the
customers like this?

-

ACE: <Boy> Nah, just the ones that come into this store.

-

Boy: Oh no, I normally just sit out back and build sub-par droids
for the master to foist off on unsuspecting losers.

-

SHEILA: <Boy> Speaking of which, care to look at some of our sub-par
droids?

-

(Kiima stares at him for a moment, then turns to look out the
door with a worried expression.)

-

ACE: There's nothing interesting out there, so she turns to the door
with the happy expression.

-

Nodoka: (sniffs) You are perhaps the most rude and unlikeable boy
I have ever met.

-

SHEILA: Because she hasn't had her son yet.

-

Boy: Yeah, well, I'm a big man around here. The future
pod-racing champ, and...

-

ACE: Also the world's most humble man! I get my award at a public
ceremony next week.

-

(Nodoka calmly shoves him off the counter.)

-

SHEILA: Way to go, Nodoka!

-

Nodoka: How nice. (walks away)

Kiima: Excuse me for a moment... (she strides out the back door)

-

ACE: <Boy> No need for that. We've got indoor plumbing.

-

Boy: (getting up, rubbing his head) Hey! Whatdja do that for?

Nodoka: Because you are an annoying brat who deserved it?

-

NACHO: <Boy> Don't ask me! I asked you first!

-

(Out back, Konatsu and Kinnosuke continue to bargain.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> The panties don't come off for less than fifteen
hundred!

-

At least,
that is what Kinnosuke probably would have called it if asked.
Konatsu, however, is looking decidedly more nervous than she ever
did while fighting the Dojo Destroyer or hordes of Gardening
Union soldiers.)

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> (thinking) This one may actually be able to come up
with the money!

-

Kinnosuke: (arm still around his vic...er...customer)

-

SHEILA: No, they were right the first time.

-

Now, there
is always our installment plan, which is our best deal.

-

JUNK: I install my (consults notebook) stock in your (consults notebook)
cusp.

-

It
involves the usage of our optional lifetime servitude package.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> (pictures self as leather-clad love slave) No thanks!

JUNK: Let me see that mental picture!

ACE: It's Konatsu...

JUNK: I can mentally superimpose another face over it...

SHEILA: I never thought he would stoop so low...

-

Konatsu: But we just want...

Kinnosuke: Oh, did I say installment plan?

-

ALL: Yes.

-

I meant enslavement
plan! But enslavement is such a negative word.

-

JUNK: Not when applied to a hot babe!

ACE: Or to Konatsu.

JUNK: Shut up! I do NOT find Konatsu attractive!

NACHO: You did before you found out he was a guy.

JUNK: That's different! Really!

SHEILA: Really? How?

JUNK: I'll get back to you on that...

-

I prefer
"non-voluntary worker agreement"; it sounds much better, don't
you think?

-

JUNK: Whatever you call it, it's still shagging!

-

Konatsu: Oh yes, but...

Kinnosuke: So we agree...

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Yep. This time, I'M the man!

-

Kiima: Excuse me. (yanks Konatsu away) Good day, sir.

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> Hi, Kiima... you don't need to greet me. We've met, you
know?

-

Kinnosuke: Ma'am, your friend and I were...

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> I am perfectly aware of what you were doing! I want in!

-

Kiima: (dragging the stunned Konatsu out) I said good day, sir.
(The Phoenix woman, scowling, walks out the door with Konatsu
still in tow.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> Hey! Hey! Let me get it out first!

-

Nodoka blinks as she storms by, then shrugs and
follows. Kinnosuke walks back into the shop, glaring after the
trio.)

-

SHEILA: They de-rezz.

-

Kinnosuke: Boy...come here.
(Outside, Konatsu is again moving under her own power, though she
seems somewhat the worse for wear.)

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> Next time, I'll try to stay conscious the whole time...

ACE: Have you seen what Kinnosuke did to him? Staying conscious is the
LAST thing Konatsu wants to do!

-

Konatsu: Thank you, Kiima-san. I tried to work with his mind,
but... (shudders) ...it was pure greed...nothing but...
pure...greed...

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> ... and lust... pure lust...

-

Kiima: (snorts) Don't thank me. At the rate you were going,
you'd have sold us all into slavery.

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Actually, the plan was to sell only you and use the
money to fund our escape.

-

Nodoka: Miserable city...

-

NACHO: Wicked City.

ACE: Demon City.

ALL: Shinjuku.

-

Boy: (running up) Hey, you guys!

Nodoka: What do you want, you little urchin?

-

SHEILA: <Boy> I'm not an urchin! I'm a loveable street starfish!

-

Boy: You guys aren't planning on leaving the city, are you?

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> Nope. We're planning to take out a mortgage and move
into the neighborhood.

-

Kiima: And if we are?

Boy: Don't you know that a sandstorm is coming? You'll never
make it anywhere in that.

-

ACE: <Kiima> Hence the decision to get out of the city before then.

-

Konatsu: (recomposing herself) That does put a damper on that
plan.

-

SHEILA: <Kiima> Well, then, we'll take the damper off and everything
will be fine!

-

Nodoka: Perhaps we should look into lodging for the night.

-

NACHO: <Kiima> Look nothing! We want to stay there!

-

Boy: Staying in one of the inns around here? (laughs) If you
almost lost your freedom in a fuel shop, you'll lose your life in
one of those.

-

JUNK: <Konatsu> No, our freedom was perfectly safe. It was our virginity
at risk.

-

Kiima: Much as I hate to admit it, the kid has a point.

Boy: Well...if you want, you could stay at my place for the
night. Mom would love the company.

-

ACE: <Boy> Her bed gets so cold at night...

JUNK: <Boy> ... with only her and me in it...

-

Nodoka(surprised): Perhaps I misjudged you...

Boy: For a small fee...

-

ACE: <Nodoka> Sure. I'll misjudge anyone, if the price is right.

-

Nodoka: (flat look) Or not.

Konatsu: (looks closely at the boy) I think that would be a good
idea. What's your name, little boy?

-

NACHO: <Boy> I think it's just "Boy." Kinnosuke and my mother always
call me that...

SHEILA: Why bother changing it? "Boy" has worked fine so far.

-

Boy: Genma. Come on, my house is this way!
(A short time later, the group arrives at the igloo-like desert
hut that is Genma's home.

-

SHEILA: An igloo in the desert... how quaint.

ACE: Stands about as much chance of survival as a snowball in hell.

-

The four of them walk in as the door
hisses open.

-

NACHO: <Mother/Uhura> Welcome back, Genma! There's a message for you
from the Klingons.

ACE: <Genma/Kirk> Put it on screen.

SHEILA: <Klingon Leader> Genma, have you forgotten our little agreement?

ACE: <Genma> I'll get back to you on that...

-

Inside, an older woman with brown hair looks up
from the food she is preparing.)

-

ACE: <Akane> Dinner will be ready soon, honey!

NACHO: And contrary to popular belief, Akane does NOT know how to make
edible curry. Her food was edible in Ryugenzawa because she cooked it
using the Water of Life.

SHEILA: This public service announcement was brought to you by the Akane
Really Can't Cook Curry Society.

-

Genma: Hi mom! We have guests.

Mother: And you never thought to inform me?

-

SHEILA: <Genma> Why, mother? I thought you'd be happy that I arranged
this event without your foreknowledge, making it a matter of family
honor that you uphold your unpleasant end of the deal!

ACE: Let the Genma-bashing commence!

-

Genma: Mom, they're paying.

-

NACHO: <Genma> You just won't see a penny of it.

-

Mother: (flitting between them, smiling fatuously) Is there
anything I can help you with? Food? Water? Anything?

-

JUNK: <Mother> Sex?

ACE: <Mother> Cyanide?

NACHO: <Mother> Toxic green gas?

SHEILA: <Mother> Directory assistance?

-

Nodoka: (sweatdrop) Umm...that won't be necessary...

-

ACE: <Nodoka> Just a nice soft bed and a katana, please.

-

Konatsu: Kiima-san, Nodoka-san, why don't you make yourselves
comfortable. I want to talk to young Genma for a few moments.

Genma: (blinks) Me?

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Unless there's a younger Genma hanging around here...

-

Konatsu: Yes, is there somewhere we might talk?

Genma: Uh...sure. Follow me.
(Konatsu and Genma leave, and the woman ushers the other two into
the eating area.)

-

NACHO: <Mother> Pay no attention to the teeth on the ceiling and floor,
or the tongue-shaped rug, or the dripping saliva motif...

-

Mother: So you two are new around here, I take it?

-

ACE: <Nodoka> We're not, so give it back!

-

Nodoka: You could say that. (takes an offered fruit)

-

NACHO: The more daring Kiima selects a forbidden fruit.

-

We seek
repairs on our craft.

-

SHEILA: <Mother> Well, they won't be too hard to find. Just look for the
giant metal bandages.

-

Mother: Ah. You'll not get much help around here, I'm afraid.

Kiima: We noticed. (she glares after Genma)

-

SHEILA: Genma always gets to glare first.

ACE: Better enjoy it now... he'll be receiving all the glares when he
grows up.

-

Mother: (smiles) Don't blame my son for this world. It's a hard
life, being a slave.

-

ACE: (singing) It's a hard slave life, for us, it's a hard slave life,
for us...

NACHO: Little Orphan Genma...

-

Nodoka: Slave?

Mother: (nods sadly) We came here and tried to set up a dairy
farm, but it didn't take.

-

SHEILA: <Mother> It just gave, gave, gave...

ACE: <Nodoka> What happened to it?

SHEILA: <Mother> We gave it away.

-

(sighs) Times were hard, especially
after his father disappeared. I was forced to sell us into
slavery.

-

NACHO: <Mother> But when the slavers weren't looking, we stole their
okonomiyaki cart and ran for it!

ACE: I always wondered where he got it from...

SHEILA: <Mother> Genma, which do you like better: Slavery, or
okonomiyaki?

-

Nodoka: (pauses) I didn't know...

Mother: As I said, he's had a hard life.

-

NACHO: So it's only natural that he'd pass some of that on to his son...

-

Kiima: (blinks) Wait...you tried to set up a dairy farm in the
desert?

-

NACHO: <Mother> Why not? Camel milk is good for you!

-

Mother: (nervous laugh) Our family is a hardy bunch...but not
exactly brilliant.

-

ALL: <Kiima and Nodoka> We noticed.

-

Kiima&Nodoka: ...
(Meanwhile, in a small room near the back of the house, Konatsu
and Genma sit; the boy has a hunted look.

-

NACHO: <Documentary host> The hunters prize the look for its enormous
beady eyes, which are the main ingredient in a most delicious soup...

-

An unfinished droid
stands in the corner.)

-

SHEILA: But it hasn't got a leg and a half to stand on!

-

Konatsu: So, Genma... (looks around) You're an inventor?

Genma: Yes, I'm pretty good at cobbling stuff together.

-

NACHO: He invents... shoes.

-

Konatsu: (leans forward) Almost instinctively?

Genma: (sweats) Yeah... (suddenly jumps up and flips a switch on
the droid) YO-YO! Protect me!

-

ACE: <Konatsu> From what?

NACHO: <Genma> Oh, yeah. Konatsu, attack me!

ACE: <Konatsu> Right. (bashes Genma)

SHEILA: <Genma> (smoking pile on floor) Yo-yo, the order to protect me
still stands!

NACHO: <Yo-yo> Unfortunately, as mentioned earlier, I do not.

-

Yo-yo: (eyes flash on and off) Master Genma?
(Konatsu blinks audibly as Genma leaps behind the droid.)

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> <piku>

-

Genma: You won't get me, you! Yo-yo, protect your master!

-

JUNK: <Yo-yo> Yes, sir! (runs off to find Genma's mother)

OTHERS: Huh?

JUNK: <Mother> (cracks whip, rubs leather jacket sensuously) Yes, Yo-yo,
I am your master!

-

Yo-yo: Very well, master. (waves arms at Konatsu) Grrr! Argh!
I am a fearsome juggernaut of destruction! Fear me!

-

ACE: <Konatsu> (waves hand at Yo-yo)

NACHO: <Yo-yo> (falls apart)

SHEILA: <Konatsu> What was that you were saying?

NACHO: <Yo-yo> Grrr! Argh! I am a fearful juggernaut of destruction!
Help me!

-

(his arms
promptly fall off, oil spurting out in streaming arcs) Oh
dear...

-

NACHO: Wile E. Coyote zips through the room and slips in the puddle of
oil.

SHEILA: Ending up right next to Harry and Marv from "Home Alone."

-

Genma: Oh man, I must've forgot the connector bolts.

-

ACE: He also forgot the "ten" on the end of "forgotten."

NACHO: And ten was exactly the number of connector bolts he was missing.

SHEILA: Ah, I see. It was symbolic.

-

Konatsu: Pleased to meet you, Yo-yo. I'd offer to shake your
hand, but you seem to be indisposed.

-

SHEILA: <Konatsu> Besides, I never shake hands with an unarmed droid.

-

Yo-yo: Quite. Pleased to meet you too.

Genma: Wait. You aren't here to beat me up?

-

NACHO: <Yo-yo> (confused) No, my orders were to protect you. But if you
WANT me to beat you up...

-

Konatsu: Oh no, perish the thought. (pauses) This doesn't look
much like a combat model droid.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> Looks more like a latrine droid.

JUNK: <Konatsu> Smells like one too.

NACHO: <Genma> Sorry, that was me. Mom's cooking, you know...

-

Genma: Err...it isn't. It's a hospitality droid.

-

NACHO: <Genma> It puts you in the hospital.

ACE: Without combat? That's a task and a half.

SHEILA: Nah, more of Genma's mother's food will do it.

NACHO: OK, that won't work unless his mother really DOES turn out to be
Akane...

-

Yo-yo(proudly): With a specialty in hot springs maintenance.

Konatsu: On a desert world?

-

NACHO: <Yo-yo> (proudly) Yep! I never encountered a hot spring I
couldn't fix!

-

Genma: Well, it's a theoretical model...meant as a test bed for
the design schematics.

-

JUNK: <Kiima> Oh, you were going to use this bed? Come on, Tofu, get
your clothes back on and let's get out of here!

-

Konatsu: An excellent concept. Opening a hot springs resort in
the desert will make you rich.

-

NACHO: Not as rich as, say, a hot springs resort in a populated area...

SHEILA: Or a nice COLD spring in the desert...

ACE: With all the Jusenkyo curses that abound in this series?

JUNK: Maybe if they're co-ed hot springs...

-

Yo-yo: (sobs) If only we had one...then master Genma wouldn't be
a slave...

-

SHEILA: Yes, he would. He'd be a slave with a hot springs resort.

-

Konatsu: I see. (turns back to Genma) Where is your father?

Genma: (blinks) Dunno...he left and never came back.

Konatsu: How long ago was that?

-

NACHO: <Genma> Right around the time he made that marriage agreement
between me and Nodoka...

-

Genma: I don't remember.

-

ACE: <Genma> I asked Shinnosuke to keep track of my important dates.

-

Konatsu: (softly) Yes, that would place it at about the right
time...

-

SHEILA: The right time? The kid doesn't remember! How could he know that
it was at the right time?!

-

Genma: What?

Konatsu: Tell me, Genma, do you have any...unusual talents?

-

NACHO: <Genma> I'm a very fast runner when chased by an angry, spurned
woman...

-

(The boy starts, looking guiltily at Konatsu.)

Konatsu: I expected as much.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> And so much more...

-

(stands up) Genma, I can do a great
deal for you, if you you will allow me.

-

NACHO: <Genma> Only only if if there's there's a a profit profit in in
it it for for me me!

SHEILA: There's no profit in it, but there is an echo...

-

Genma: Are you conning me?

Konatsu: (shakes head) No.

-

ACE: <Konatsu> As much as you deserve it.

SHEILA: It takes one to know one.

-

I am a Jedi, and I have been
searching for you for a long time.
(Back on the ship, the desert sandstorm rages on, confining the
occupants inside. Tofu is consulting a datapad when a tone
sounds and he puts it down to answer his comlink.)

-

ACE: <Tofu> PUT THAT TONE DOWN! I'm trying to answer the comlink!

-

Tofu: I'm here.

Konatsu's voice: Tofu-Wan. I want you to examine something for
me.

-

JUNK: <Tofu> Oh, yes. Very impressive. You've been working out, haven't
you?

-

Tofu: What is it?

Konatsu: A blood sample... (a loud voice blots her out from the
background)

-

NACHO: <Someone in background> Hey! I can't see Konatsu any more! This
loud voice is blotting him out!

-

Yes, I know it hurt, but please be calm; I'm
speaking to another. (slight pause) That's better.

-

ACE: <Genma> You mean it, you mean it mister, 'cause I can be quiet,
honest I can, real quiet, so quiet you'll say to yourself, you'll say
"Boy, that's quiet, I ain't ever heared nobody be that quiet before, uh
huh, uh huh," that's what you'll say all right...

SHEILA: <Konatsu> (smacks Genma in the face) Ehh, shut up!

-

Tofu-Wan,
you know more of these things than I do, of the three Jedi
bloodlines.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> Certainly. Your knowledge of the three Jedi bloodlines is
minimal, while I know all about "these things."

JUNK: <Tofu> Having fondled them regularly since we met.

-

Tofu: What do you have?

-

NACHO: <Konatsu> I have this really annoying hacking cough. (coughs)

-

Konatsu: That is what I'd like you to tell me. I'm sending it
now.
(Tofu nods as the data begins flashing on the screen.)

-

ACE: He's having a seizure! He's not supposed to watch flashy things!

-

Konatsu: By the way, you are making sure no one is sending
tranmissions, yes?

-

NACHO: Tran. James Tran.

ACE: And now, back to the Tran Missions...

SHEILA: No! You guys aren't supposed to be sending those!

-

Tofu: Of cou... (turns around and suddenly stops) Umm...can I get
back to you?

-

NACHO: Of course. I'll be at this number until 7, when Nodoka and I will
spend the next three hours in a fit of wild passion.

-

Konatsu: Certainly.
(Tofu puts down the link and walks across the room to where
Shinnosuke is talking to a small holographic image.)

-

JUNK: <Shinnosuke> Please, PLEASE take off the dress!

-

Shinnosuke: ...so if you could just find him for me... (Tofu
pushes a button and the image vanishes) Uh, hello?

Tofu: Shinnosuke. Did you forget the fact that we were not
supposed to be making any outgoing calls?

-

ALL: <Shinnosuke> Yes.

-

Shinnosuke: (blink) I wasn't? Oh, I'm sorry. (pauses, then
looks annoyed) The Captain of the Guard should have stopped me.

-

NACHO: Is anyone else getting really annoyed at this?

-

Tofu: ...

-

NACHO: Guess that answers my question.

-

Shinnosuke: But he isn't here...and neither is my grandfather.
That's who I called to check on...

-

ACE: <Shinnosuke> ... my pet goldfish, Whatshisname.

NACHO: <Tofu> The goldfish died three years ago, Shinnosuke.

ACE: <Shinnosuke> Did it? I must have forgotten.

-

Grandfather: (sitting two seats over, buries his face in his
hands) Shinnosuke has forgotten me again!

-

SHEILA: And this surprises you WHY?

-

Tofu: I should listen to those warning signs more often.

-

NACHO: <Tofu> (strikes a match on the NO SMOKING sign to light his
cigarette)

ACE: <Tofu> (opens the door marked WARNING: FLAMMABLE CHEMICALS WITHIN
and throws still-lit match inside)

SHEILA: <Tofu> (thrown by resulting explosion into large open space,
uses DANGER: MINEFIELD sign as support to get to his feet and heads back
for ship)

NACHO: <Tofu> (trips over CAUTION: QUICKSAND sign in haste to get back
to ship)

ACE: <Tofu> (stares at QUIET: AVALANCHE ZONE sign) (yells) Avalanches!
Somebody get me out of here!

SHEILA: <Tofu> (carefully reads sign) Mmm... free muffins! You see what
you can miss when you don't stop to read the signs?

ACE: Speaking of signs, there's a TIME UP sign blocking my view of the
rest of the fic.

NACHO: Yep, this part's over. Time to go.

JUNK: <Tofu> (ignores DO NOT DISTURB sign and pushes open door to reveal
entire female cast completely naked, swimming in large tub of vanilla
pudding...) Hey! Wait for me!

-

NACHO: So, what have we learned today?

ACE: Genma got all of his screwed-up-ness from his mother.

SHEILA: Bioroids are incredibly stupid and easily manipulated.

NACHO: Dojo Destroyers are easily defeated by taking their signs away...

ACE: ... but ignoring those signs can be fatal.

JUNK: Kinnosuke is a heavy supporter of prostitution.

NACHO: And in case of misunderstanding, drag as many clueless people as
you can to Coruscant and bug the authors for an explanation.

SHEILA: Or at least a set of Cliff's Notes.

ACE: Better that than Junk's notes.

NACHO: Fine. Well, see you next time!

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING

RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE is by BLADE and EPSILON

-

Kinnosuke: (puts arm around Konatsu's shoulder) Now, ma'am, why
don't we discuss your purchase out back?


MOM: I'm getting rid of this TV before the mindless garbage rots your
brain!
JOHNNY: Mindless garbage not rot brain!
(SHAMPOO: Mindless Johnny not got brain to rot!)

"There's a billion places like home. But only one of them's where you
live." - Granny Weatherwax, "Witches Abroad" by Terry Pratchett

ED: My eyes are stuck! I can't open them!
EDDY: Open your eyes, Ed.
ED: (opens eyes) Thanks, Eddy.

My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp



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