---
platypus 3333
http://www.evasource.net
i never take drugs. that's important to remember, especially when
reading this. i'm well aware of the fact that i have like 5 projects at the
same time. don't worry... they're all being worked on... just treat this like
a spamfic, and you'll be fine...
---
tracks 3.5: No Title
---
Introduction
---
"Hello," Asuka said. She was, quite appropriately, dressed in a battered
old black-and-white cow suit.
"Uh," Shinji said confusedly. "Uh."
"..." She lit a cigarette and took a puff. "Hey, is that all you have to
say?"
"No."
"Good, good." She indicated their surroundings with a broad sweep of the
smoking cigarette. "So, what do you think?"
They, at least from what Shinji could tell, stood in the middle of an
infinitely large field. In all directions, he saw nothing but wheat-
wheat, wheat, wheat. And a single cow several miles away, playing the
banjo. "Uh, it's... interesting."
"Yep." She began strolling in a circle around him. "You're confused."
"No, I-"
"No, you're confused. You're ALWAYS confused." Asuka paused and thought.
"Want a cigarette?"
"No."
"Good. Smoking is bad for you," she said absently, sticking her own
cigarette in her mouth. "So, you're confused."
"I guess..."
"See... this is symbolic, somehow. It means something."
"Okay..."
"Do you know why everything has happened to you?"
"No."
She stopped and grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. "Sexual
repression."
"Whaa!" He blinked. "Sex- sexual repression?"
"YES." She let go and appraised his face, leaning in and squinting. "You
know, you're kind of cute, in a funny sort of way."
"I am?"
"It's sad, you can't have a wet dream." Asuka grinned wickedly at
Shinji's shocked expression. "You want to know how?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, you had a dream where we were all naked, right?"
He squirmed nervously. "No."
"Jesus, don't lie to me. I know you're one of those sick fucks... you
keep staring at my ass..." She peered at him carefully. "I noticed."
"Was it that obvious?" he asked lifelessly.
"Actually, I just made that up. But, thanks, I like to be complimented."
Asuka winked.
"Urgh."
"But the dream... you misinterpreted that, Shinji. You thought it had
something to do with your soul. WRONG!" She smacked him upside the
head.
"Ow."
"Here's a hint: when naked girls lean down at you with sedated
expressions on their faces, you're supposed to make a move." Throwing
away
her cigarette, she scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't
believe you didn't do anything... to ME! Never mind the other
two..."
"..."
"We thought you were gay, for a while- then we realized- you're just
shy!"
"Oh."
"It can be done, under the right conditions."
"Right...? Oh, God." He backed away slowly as she began unzipping
herself.
"Shit, I think I forgot the thumbtacks..."
---
Track J: True Pregnancy (OR: I respect Axel Terizaki, honest)
---
"So, what's the status?" Asuka asked, her legs dangling off the table.
"Do you feel nervous?" Ritsuko said, looking at a file.
"Well... kind of." She shrugged. "I know it's natural, but the thought
of something living inside of me..."
"Have you ever seen 'Alien?'"
"Yes..." Asuka said nervously. "Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason," the doctor replied calmly.
"Uh... okay."
---
"Shinji, I need food," she said.
"Oh. Uh. What do you want?"
"I don't know. What do we have?"
"Milk... cereal... bread... butter... ice cream..." Shinji counted off
the contents of the refrigerators on his fingers. "Ham, roast beef,
mayonnaise, Swiss cheese, instant ramen, dumplings..."
"Okay."
"Dumplings?"
"No."
"Then?" He looked at her questioningly.
"Get em all. I think she's hungry." Asuka patted her stomach.
"..." Shinji scampered off.
"Ah, bliss."
---
Track N: Misato is Drunk. (Oh, the originality!)
---
"-Now, logicalcalcally," Misato slurred, her head resting comfortably on
the hard oak surface of the countertop. "Alcohol is good for you."
Shinji sipped his orange juice nervously and edged away from her
slightly. "Oh," he said.
"Hell yes!!!!" She slammed her glass onto the wood firmly and held it
there. "YES!"
"..."
Releasing the glass, she grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him in
close. Looking both ways nervously, she began whispering out of the
corner of her mouth. "Every time you take a drink, see you get closer to
using 100% of your brain. You know how?!"
"How..."
"Now, you know, the average human only uses a certain percentage of
their brain, right?"
"Right..." Shinji considered offering her a breath mint.
"Sho, alcohol kills brain cells."
"Right..."
"Since you have less brain cells, then the percentage you're using jumps
up, right?"
"...Yeah."
"Sho, you get smarter!" Misato let go of his shirt and banged her head
onto the table triumphantly. Then she passed out.
Shinji stared at her for several minutes, then downed the rest of his
orange juice and went home.
---
Track X: Questioning Reality
---
"You see," James Ishida said calmly, "the world is basically sensation
filtered through your brain, right?"
"Yes," Shinji said warily.
"So, you define your own reality, right?"
"I suppose."
"When you close your eyes, can you see in 3d?"
Shinji tried it. "No."
"Everything is in two dimensions, right?"
"Yeah."
"It's all on the same plane, right?"
"Yeah."
"So, therefore, everything is exactly the same distance from you."
"WHAT?"
James ignored this outburst. "You see the plane? It's only two inches
from you."
"No it's not!"
"Yes! Yes it is!"
"It's like thirty miles!"
"No! Two inches! Keep the hand over the eye! See! See!" James waved his
finger frantically at the plane in the distance. "I bet I could grab
it!!! It's like a toy!"
"..."
"WOW!"
"How much weed did you smoke?!"
"Yes. Wait, no. What was the question?"
Shinji sighed.
---
Track S: Ritsuko: Office
---
Ritsuko sighed as she typed. 'You'd think we could get some voice
recognition stuff up here, but nooo...Commander Ikari cut the budget...'
She silently cursed the man and glanced over at her clock. '10 more
minutes...then this thing will be finished...10 more minutes...'
Sighing, she spun as the door opened. "Oh, hello, Maya."
"Sempai, why are you working so late?" Maya asked, a concerned look on
her face.
"Oh, I just need to finish this up..." Ritsuko indicated her screen. "A
report."
The other woman frowned. "You've been working too much. Let me finish
it."
"Nah, that's all right." She sipped her coffee. "I'm almost done."
"Your shift is over."
"So is yours."
"Welll..." Maya shrugged. "I couldn't sleep, so I came back to do some
work..."
"Oh." Ritsuko turned back to her computer.
"So, I can finish it up, you need the rest." Maya walked up and began
massaging the other woman's shoulders.
"..." Ritsuko fidgeted nervously.
"..."
"Uh..."
"Yes?"
"Could you not do that?"
"Do what?" Maya said seductively.
"Touching... ah... never... mind." Ritsuko stood up hastily. "You're
right, I should go home."
"But-"
"Thanks, Maya!" Ritsuko ran out the door.
Maya pouted. 'Damn!'
---
Ritsuko jogged briskly to her car. 'There's something about
her...something disturbing...'
She got in, fumbled about for her keys, and pulled out.
Taking the time so splash a hapless technician with a puddle, she hummed
happily to herself and started home.
---
Track K: Intermission
---
Shinji opened the door to the convenience store and held it open.
Asuka took it with a nod, then let it slowly swing closed.
They immediately headed for the back, where all the drinks were kept,
behind all the shelves and counters. Awed, the two Children took in
the vast selection available to them.
"Wow," Shinji said breathlessly. "It's like heaven."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
Asuka opened a glass door and started digging around. "Juice... need
juice."
"Okay." He held it for her.
"I hate that artificial stuff, you know?"
"Yeah."
"It isn't healthy."
"No, it isn't."
"Hmm... hmm... hey!" She pulled out a plastic bottle and peered at it.
"Here- shit!"
"What?"
"I keep being deceived." She waved it in front of his face. "I thought
this was 100% juice... it's all an illusion..."
"Oh," Shinji said.
A fat, bearded man wearing a tight "Bored of Education" tee-shirt walked
into view and stared at the both of them with an intense expression
of concentration on his face.
Not sure of what to do, they returned the look with one of confusion.
"Don't... be deceived," the man finally said, after several minutes of
silence. He opened the refrigerator, took a carton of milk, and
disappeared into the aisles.
After several minutes, Asuka blinked. "What the fuck?"
"Right."
---
Track J: True Birth (AND: True Life)
---
"SHINJI, I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! WAAH!" Asuka cried.
"Shh... shh... it's okay," Ritsuko said soothingly. It didn't work.
"GOD DAMMIT, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! AA!"
"Uh..." Shinji backed away slowly. "Maybe I should wait in the lobby..."
Asuka grabbed him by the throat. "THE HELL YOU SHOULD! GET BACK HERE
NOW!"
"Asuka, push," Ritsuko muttered absently.
"Glk!" He tried to pry her fingers away from his neck. "Glegh!"
"DAMN YOU, YOU COWARD! YOU STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"
He didn't really have a choice there. Shinji struggled to remember all
he had learned in Lamaze. "Uh... breath... breath..." he gasped,
fighting for oxygen.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING, YOU MORON!"
"Uh... don't panic," he said, his face scarlet.
"FUCK THAT!"
"Doing good, Asuka," Ritsuko said.
"SHINJI, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME!!!" She screamed, letting go for lack of something
better to do.
"I'm sorry?"
"FUCK SORRY! YOU ARE DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME!! DEAD!!"
"I'm sorry!"
"I- AAH! AAAH!!!" She screamed.
"Breath, Asuka," Ritsuko added.
Shinji took this time to make himself useful. "Yeah, breath!"
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"Eep."
---
"She's called 'Kyoko,'" Asuka said firmly.
"Yui?" Shinji suggested meekly.
"KYOKO."
"Sorry!"
---
Kyoko Zepplin Ikari was born on September 10th, 2016. While her
household was far from broken, it was generally considered to be
"slightly
bent," in the words of Touji Suzahara (he was later beaten by an
unidentified red-haired assailant.)
Kyoko was primarily raised by three individuals: a drunk, an borderline
psychopath, and a father who was essentially treated like a butler.
Needless to say, at the age of seven, she went to her first
psychiatrist...
The girl now works in NERV's Tokyo-3 branch as the personal assistant of
Maya Ibuki, Ph.D.
---
Track S: Ritsuko: Home
---
Opening the door, she kicked off her shoes and dropped her bag on the
floor. "Jesus, what a day."
She shut the door and locked it. "Jingles! I'm home! Bobo! Joey!"
She glanced around for any sign of her cats. None. The woman fumbled
around and flicked a light switch. "Guys?" She frowned. "Jingles! I've
got your favorite!" she called, kicking a sack of cat food she had
bought on the way home.
"Meow Mix! Come and get it!"
Nothing.
"Fuck."
Ritsuko got on her knees and retrieved three cat treats from her purse.
"Guyyys...tasty treats!"
Ritsuko crawled around, ducking under the coffee table. "Um. Joey!
Bobo!"
Again, nothing. She sighed.
"Mmm...Um...I want chicken...I want liver...Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please
deliver! Guys?" She frowned, then blinked as her hand brushed against
several pieces of paper under the couch. "What..."
She took them and started to stand up, hitting her head on the table in
the process. "Ow."
Crouched down on the floor, rubbing her head absently, she read the
notes.
"The Cat: Day 1:
I arrive in my new prison, in the arms of my captor. Her hair smells of
chemicals. She begins to call me "Jingles," and sets me down on the
floor. My fellow inmates are worn down, haggard: They are called "Joey"
and "Bobo." They are slightly mad. With joy, I hope."
Ristuko stared at the paper. "What...the..." She flipped through several
pages and stopped at another long entry.
"The Cat: Day 751:
My captor continues to torment me with dangling, bright objects. She
eats lavish meals in my presence while I subsist on dry cereal and
water. The only thing that keeps my going is the hope of my eventual
escape...that, and ruining the occasional piece of furniture. I fear I
may be going insane..."
"Er..." Ritsuko glanced about nervously.
---
Conclusion
---
This was supposed to have some totally irrelevant, weird dialogue.
Sadly, I can't think of anything, so we'll skip that part. You can guess
what Asuka did to Shinji.
She had never found the thumbtacks... but that was all right. She was
creative.