ffml-bounce@fanfic.com wrote:
I'd like to thank Miwa, Lerche, Orlean, Zack, and C. Casta�eda
all for commenting on the first chapter. They gave me the
encouragment I needed to get this chapter done. Now I can
move on to the next chapter of Kumiko. :)
Well, heya! I think this goddarned fic may have the legs to stand up on it's own, and I'll be darned if I dun support something that I like so much ^_^ Onward...
"Ohohohohohoho!!!" rang through the air, scattering the
birds and other assorted wildlife who still loitered around the once-
abandoned factory. The laughter continued on ceaselessly, never
stopping for breath, overpowering the sounds of the river and the
hasty flight of animals. It was a horrible, bone-chilling sound that
no human in her right mind could ever produce.
Abruptly, the laughter died out, followed by a sound like a
sack of potatoes being tossed out a third story window, that is if
such a bag would curse like a sailor after hitting the ground.
Take note, orig authors... this is the way to make an orig fic. Interesting, though not necessarily exagerrated (but that helps ^_^) characters. Memorable characters. Not avatars that can do soooo many things and more, but characters with flaws like this little cuckoo over here... those kinds of characters. And make sure to keep in mind to give them as much details on their kind of life and craziness as possible. ^_^ That's lesson no. 1 in orig-fic making 101.
The factory had been a failed experiment of Yama
Automotive to build a totally environmentally sound plant;
constructing cars wholly made of recycled parts, and powered by
the mighty river that flowed past. A failure because, while the
plant worked nearly to perfection, no one would buy the cars it
built. The exterior was worn, scattered with vines and the nests
various animals.
Lesson no. 2... it doesn't hurt to give out further background stories in orig fics, especially for the fact that most people have not much an idea of the story (no anime eps to watch, no OAVs to support, etc.)... so the author should provide for the background, so as to tickle the imagination of the reader. When interesting plot happens to interesting characters, something interesting happens, du-h.
Inside however, it shone with the gleam of new
automated machinery, which had been working twenty four hours
a day for the past five days, but now lay silent, their finally labors
completed.
their labors finally completed
The factory had two huge steel doors where the proud yet
unwanted autos had spilled forth to be distributed to dealerships all
over the world. It had been over twenty years since this colossal
portal had last been breached, but as the laughter started up once
more, these gates began to ponderously slide open.
The threshold was nearly five stories tall, yet it nearly
wasn't enough for the figure which stood beyond it, proud and
gleaming like a modern colossus. As the light beyond the doorway
fell upon it, tearing away shadow
the shadow
like wrapping paper, it revealed a
boxy but still imposing humanoid body whose mighty forearms
were larger than even the roomiest American auto.
darnit, I was expecting a gundam ^_^
Its huge glassy
eyes regarded the torn up and overgrown road that lay before it
with casual disinterest.
Mechas, deranged schizophrenic scientists, cute little girl whic uses cuteness as a way of life, a plain girl turned magical girl to which she hates, different-mindset/pseudo-megalomaniac corporate giants, kawaii-obsessed uncle, ninjas... _those_ are very anime themed characters that are hard to take off from your mind once they've settled in. ^_^
A small, much more organic-looking form rested upon its
immense shoulder, the latter large enough to park a compact car.
This figure wore a minimalist black leather outfit that clung to her
obviously female form, with roughly the same amount of material
used for the black mask she wore. Oddly, she worn a dirty white
lab coat over this.
Wow... looking sharp, I see. Kodachi and Naga woulda been proud.
"Go, my steel colossus!" shouted the woman who called
herself Lady Moirana. "Go forth and destroy the city!
Ohohohohohoho!!"
It also helps to be cliche once in a while, I guess. ^_^
A sudden, powerful vibration knocked Junko off balance,
causing her coin to roll under a nearby machine. She didn't even
give a thought to what it might have been, deciding that the
structure looked safe enough to withstand an earthquake. She
shrugged, took out another coin, and tried again. That's when the
power went out.
Junko's cry of pure rage echoed throughout the now-silent
arcade.
Interesting thing? Most first eps of similar type of anime go about like this... protagonist getting angry at the most silliest thing, transforms into a whatever superform he/she has, and beats the crap of whatever villain was responsible, all the while inadvertantly and unintentionally saves the world/city/street/town/girl/boy.
"Darnit, you're gonna pay for crushing my soda can which I use to kick around when granpa was still alive but that hasn't anything to do with anything... oh, which was the symbol of the childhood I lost... so I'm doing this for revenge though I may be saving the world, which is cool also, whatver... YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, PAL!!!"
"I was thinking empress would be a better title, actually,"
Michiko replied as her tension gave way under the skilled hands of
her husband. "You're right, honey, I should be looking at the
bright side. At least we know that no matter how much of the city
that mad doctor wrecks, our precious daughter will be safe."
Lemme guess...
"Sugoi! A giant robot!!" Emi exclaimed loudly, doing a
little dance of excitement as she watched the gleaming metal
automaton march into the city, wrecking anything in its path.
Classic plot device.
By any chance, have you watched Super Doll Likka? I'm beginning to see a parallel between her and Emi, I couldn't help but imagine her image as Emi-chan over there...
Junko pouted once more. It just wasn't fair; here she had
the means to get her desired revenge, and incidentally save the city
>from destruction, but she didn't know to use it. Unlike in anime,
she didn't have a fuzzy animal companion to explain all the ins and
outs of her new abilities, not that Junko would ever admit to
watching that kind of show.
But of course there'll be something which will guide Junko-chan, ne?
*I am the artificial intelligence which operates the power
enhancement device you are currently wearing. I exist in order to
maintain its functionality under every possible scenario, and as a
guide to its current host,* the voice explained with a slight note of
pride in its voice.
I see you're using Classic plot device to the hilt, Ammadeau-san. ^_^
"Ohohohoho!!" Lady Moirana continued to laugh, only
stopping occasionally for breath,
Funny thing to see if it were anime. ^_^
as her beautiful creation wrecked
the foul city all around them, slowly making its way in the
direction of city hall. She no longer cared about getting revenge
on all the petty injustices people had made against her, or even
proving her genius to the doubtful world; it was fun to smash
things. She was having a blast.
"Me Moirana... me smash... me destroy... me want me whipped by cute employer-woman of mine ^_^"
Oh, oops... my bad... or was it the Nayoko personality that's masochistic?
Strange, someone must have tampered with her robot to
make sure it didn't hurt people. There had be a saboteur lurking
around her secret lair.
Must be that masochistic techie, Lady Moirana.
Emi whipped out her pink megaphone and replied, "Wai!
Is this cool robot yours, obasan?"
heh
"Do you really want to know?" Lady Moirana asked with a
wide smile. It seemed like her whole life had been spent in toil of
revolutionary inventions that everyone put down as too dangerous
or impossible, but that's exactly what a genius did; risk the
dangerous, brave the impossible! And finally, she had found
someone who could appreciate all of her hard work and dedication,
even if it was a little girl.
Hmmm... even at such a setting, I kinda pity the poor woman. She's like a typical Batman villain, outcast and destroyed by society, only to lash back at it, but forever their selves forever destroyed and shattered... the only thing she wanted was approval...
Emi nodded with a cute grin, which was filled with such
innocence and childish joy that Lady Moirana had to resist the
sudden urge to squash her flat.
... though it's _much_ too late for her now...
Instead, she straightened out her
lab coat, cleared her throat, and explained in a scholarly tone:
"Nayodantor X is, of course, equipped with all the
standards for giant robots such as eye beams, self-propelled fists,
and an energy sword. It also possesses and extremely advanced AI
with the ability to determine just the right places to strike a
building in order to collapse or the weak points of any enemy
vehicle. Its legs are capable of leaping over tall buildings in a
single bound and are also capable of causing minor earthquakes,
especially when landing from such a leap. The outer casing is
impervious to all weapons known to man, including firearms,
lasers, bombs, and even nuclear devices. Though the use of
satilities,
satellites
"Ugly?!" Lady Moirana repeated, gritting her teeth in rage.
She had stayed up all night sewing this costume together; her
fingers were covered in band-aids from the effort, especially when
she had accidentally stitched it to her hand.
(wince) didn't want to know _that_ little detail.
Black leather was the
perfect material; it looked cool and caught the attention of others.
Not to mention her design was made to perfectly accentuate her
beautiful form. The little underdeveloped brat was just jealous.
Emi nodded seriously. "Everyone knows that a cute outfit
is made with nice light colors and pretty frills. The only woman
who would wear an outfit like that is an old maid who is desperate
to catch a husband, at least that's what my mommy says."
heh... even to this point of madness, Emi's mom still hounts poor Lady Moirana/Nayoko.
"Oneechan!" Emi exclaimed in joy, hugging the older girl
tightly, and with no sign she was aware of how close to death she
had just been. Atsuko wasn't surprised; she thought that Emi
would greet a shark with a cheerful smile.
heh heh... that's too much, Atsuko!
Now she could see why no one else had tried to save Emi;
because someone already had. A strange-looking little girl with
fiery hair and golden skin had caught the huge fist in mid-air. She
wore stylized armor with a short white skirt, along with long red
boots and gloves. Atsuko didn't know which to be more envious
of; the girl's enormous strength or her ability to fly. She blinked in
surprise as with a mighty heave, the magical girl knocked the robot
backwards, sending it crashing to the ground.
Aw Gawd... she can fly too? Sheesh this is becoming like... like... Astroboy!
Junko's words were cut off as, distracted by the AI's words,
she was caught unawares by a large metal fist that backhanded her
right into the pavement. Nayodantor X beeped in satisfaction
before trying to locate its mistress.
There's just so many beeps to be made... beeps of satisfaction *beep*, joy *beebeep* , agony *beeeep*, and lifelong fulfillment *bip*.
Crawling unsteadily out of the impact crater, Junko
clutched her head in an effort to keep the world from spinning.
She tried not to think that if it wasn't for the incredibly high
endurance given to her by the armband, she'd be a human pancake
right now. Instead, she only had a few bumps and a massive
headache. Her outfit seemed completely unscathed, however,
without even a spec of dust to mar its pristine appearance.
Another strange thing about anime... inherent indestructability of clothes. Blasts enough to disintegrate an entire planet are meant to only shred the clothes as much as possible. Same with hair.
"What the hell?" Nayoko shouted, looking around to find
she was now on the shoulder of N34512-X, her prototype robot,
though it seemed that someone else had added a few stylistic
finishing touches which she disapproved of. She might get most of
her ideas from anime, but she didn't want it to look like a mecha
straight out of one.
I see... the technical, cigarette-smoking insane genius. The other one was simply nuts.
Nayoko's thoughts were interrupted as a red-faced, golden-
bodied young girl flew up to stare at her straight in the eye. *Is she
some sort of android?* Nayoko thought with uncharacteristic
fascination. She had once thought that such a life-like machine
was impossible to build, but with her improved skills and the
advanced machinery she now had access to, it might just be
feasible.
Hmmm... wouldn't it be wild? This woman shifting from Lady Moirana (KILL, KILL, KILL the magical girl who is really the blond girl who spoiled my evil plans of... uh... smashing things up!!! KIL!!!) to Nayoko (Wow... I have to find out how this android works... disecting it into parts would be nice...)... enter frying pan, to fire, to frying pan again...
Junko felt her anger increase into unknown levels as this
woman, who seemed to have gone out of her way to ruin her life
that day, was now completely ignoring her.
Goodness... dun tell me she's gonna get a power upgrade like those darned long running magical girl shows?!?
"Hime Star-chan, power up to Hime Nova-chan!"
(shudder)
*Hey... you, armband.
Do you have any weapons strong enough to wreck that tin can?*
*Against steel automatons?* The AI mused out loud.
*Well, there is one... but it is a bit experimental. My creator never
actually tested it and none of my previous hosts had reason to risk
using it... so I would advise against employing it now. I'm sure
that we can come to a peaceful resolution to this situation.*
There's a first time for everything, ne?
With a evil grin, Junko cupped her hands before her, aimed
for the torso of the metal monster, and shouted on the top of her
amplified lungs, "Mega-blast!"
THAT was just classic anime ki blast. Now she has a signature move... what next?!
Nayodantor X frantically attempted to clarify its earlier
statement before its battery ran out, but it couldn't be heard over
the laughter of its mistress.
Heh.
"How about I give you a piggy-back ride back home,
then?" Atsuko asked with a smile.
"Umm!" Emi replied with a genuine grin as she quickly
made herself comfortable on the other girl's back. "I love you,
Atsuko."
"Yeah, whatever kid," the ninja girl replied with an
embarrassed frown before standing up and jogging her way in the
direction of the Ishiyama estate.
Awww... the hating but caring big sister. They cliche stick is already waaay up, but that's a good thing considering. ^_^
Emi had always done her best to be liked by everyone she
met, though there were a few cases that no matter what she said or
did, the person would dislike her. Her mother had told her that
some people were just impossible to please, and Emi had
reluctantly accepted that. To be hated, to be despised like she had
caused someone real pain however, was something altogether new
to the little girl, and she didn't like it at all. It made her doubt
everything in her life that she had been working so hard for. Was
she really cute after all?
Hmmm... setup for a new conflict... who woulda guessed? Emi-chan getting insecure.
"Oh, to design clothes for a magical girl, it would be like a
dream come true!" Miss Matsubayashi enthused. "I've never had
such a worth subject before.
worthy (I think)
Emi was in desperate need of comforting, but thankfully
her parents were experts in this. Sometimes she felt a bit
embarrassed by their excessive affection, but at the moment it was
exactly what she needed.
If readers alredy took note of how you use foreboding (Classic plot device), then by this time they would know what'll be coming next.
"Oh?" her father prompted, causing Emi to smile warmly as
she remembered all the times he had sat patiently, listening to all
the things she had to tell him, not matter what they were. Emi had
stopped when she realized she was wasting her father's valuable
time, but now found herself wishing she had been a little more
self-centered about that.
And the hurting thing about that was the fact that the more you set up the situation (a more detailed account of Emi being cuddled as a child) there would be more impact...
"If only our daughter could be like this Hime Star-chan,"
her mother said with a sigh. Emi stopped dead in her tracks,
hoping that she had simply misheard.
... to such statements as this. (good work, Ammaddeau-san).
"But she's insane!" her mother raged suddenly, fire
replacing her usual cool demeanor. "I mean, I'm not even sure I
can deal with her anymore. Trying to smile in that... place of hers.
It disgusted me, but not as much as herself!"
I dunno... the last sentence sounds akward. I suggest rewritting.
Curious... she was referring to Nayoko, right?
Emi simply fled.
Poor Emi-chan. You'd just know that such a situation would arise as a problem for her with her way of life. Just like the passing fad of a celebrity.
"... Emi-chan was there?" Kozo asked in surprise. "The
news didn't say anything about that."
Junko crossed her arms with a smug smile of victory. "If I
hadn't used my new powers, her
she
and probably a lot of other people
would have gotten injured. Besides, I only got hit because I was
careless. I'm sure I'll do a lot better next time."
"Next time?" Kozo asked with a confused blink.
Junko nodded, smiling. "That old lady with bad taste
in clothing? in robots?
isn't
going to be satisfied with her one failed attempt. I'm sure she's got
a whole bunch of robots stashed somewhere and someone is going
to have to stop them, keeping the city safe from danger and all
that."
Of course, Junko wanted to do it for the thrills of actually
living one of her video games instead of just playing one; the wind
whipping through her hair as she glided along like a bird, the rush
of mass destruction, and if the city happened to be saved in the
process, so much the better.
The I-dun-care-sh*t protagonist's motto of duty:
To incapacitate and destroy all evil...
For the fun, for the rush, for the thrill...
If I get to save the city, that's fine still.
"Oh, I'm sure the SSDF's special giant robot squad just got
held up in traffic today," Junko said sarcastically, knowing she had
won this verbal battle. "Besides, I thought you'd be thrilled now
that you have two cute underage girls to drool over."
"I told you it's not like that!" Kozo insisted immediately,
then hung his head in embarrassment. "Actually, I've already
started a small Hime Star-chan collection from the various press
reports."
I'm beginning to worry about this guy. Freaky.
Kozo enthused like a little boy.
I had other words in mind.
Junko frowned; both at the name and her uncle's shameless
display. "I think it stinks. Why couldn't they have picked a cool-
sounding name like Blaze or Phoenix?"
On a cute magical girl? Puh-lease... it'd be like Saitoh adopting the name Mibu's puppy-chan.
"Now I need you to take off your uniform and push it over
to me without looking," Emi instructed, her audience failing to
notice how her cheerful tone had begun to waver.
Yoji failed to notice her tone as her words had left him
completely stunned. "Huh? You mean that you want me to *gulp*
get undressed?"
This got me the first time I read this. I'm almost sure this was gonna be some little prank by Emi-cha, I just dunno what.
"Okay, you can turn around now!" Emi told him gleefully.
Yoji slowly turned around, looking up almost fearfully,
only to see Emi now dressed in his school uniform, complete with
a matching cap to hide her golden hair. He suddenly wished that
he hadn't forgotten the camcorder upstairs.
Yoji's mouth hung open while his mind worked through the
difficult process of comprehending this information. "... you want
me to dress up as you?"
"Yep!" Emi confirmed with a giggle. "Now quickly put
this on. We're going to play a little joke on your family today.
You'll go out on the city dressed as me and they'll follow you
because you'll think you're me! It's going to be so much fun that I
can hardly wait!"
She's really much smarter than she acts, ne? Even Nabiki would applaud in such manipulation.
First of all, there was the deal that the aliens of his planet
had with the Japanese government. They would be allowed to
stay, and occasionally be done favors like getting Junko enrolled in
that exclusive private school, in exchange for aid in their races
more advanced areas, like medicine. This was all under the
condition that the aliens all kept a low profile. 'Hime Star-chan'
blew that, but hopefully the government wouldn't make the
connection.
Again, I applaud you for the setting up of background events like that. Such expalining not only helps give more dimension to the otherwise boring scene (uncle over TV not turned on yet), and gives more sense to the plot. I was wondering what Junko ws doing in that school...
"Hello. Is Junko at home, sir?" asked a familiar-sounding
voice. The 'boy' took off his cap and shook out her golden curls,
revealing even to someone who wasn't a raving fanboy of hers that
it was Emi Ishiyama.
This is gonna make somebody's day.
*You seem to have a visitor, Junko,* Akito informed her
after a few minutes had passed in silence. *She does not appear to
be hostile.*
Cute. Can Akito irritatingly wake Junko up too?
*She?* Junko thought as she sat up, blinking sleep from
her eyes, only to see Emi standing in her doorway, dressed in a
boy's school uniform of all things.
"Ju-chan!!"
_That_ sounded off to me. Your right... every little bit of Junko screamed away at cute. She reminds me of a little Nabiki, minus greed tendencies and with more attitude.
"Hey, what's wrong, Emi... chan?" Junko asked, not really
sure how to comfort someone. No one had ever come to her with
their problems before, and she had never had any real need of
consolation when she was growing up. People asking what's
wrong usually just annoyed her.
That definitely sounded Nabiki-like, alright.
"That's why I've decided to run away from home," Emi
stated firmly, wiping away her tears once again as she sat up
straight, her eyes hard in determination.
Noticing the bag that Emi had dropped for the first time,
Junko suddenly developed a sinking feeling in the pit of her
stomach as she asked, "So where do you plan on staying?"
Junko: Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.
"With you, of course!" Emi replied with almost her normal
level of cheerfulness. "In my time of need, where else can I turn
but to my best friend Ju-chan?"
(wince) Stop calling her that, for everyone's sake, Emi.
"... could possibly refuse to let his niece's friend sleep
over," Kozo completed from the doorway, camcorder in hand,
already trained on Emi. "You're welcome to stay as long as you
like."
"Thank you, sir!" Emi exclaimed, before turning back to
face her best friend, latching onto her with a super-glomp once
again. "This is going to be the best slumber party ever!"
In the iron grip of Emi, all Junko could do was groan.
... and so the plot thickens. Well, well, well... people having tendencies akin to the people of Nerima, a new villain mainstay (as opposed to villain of the week in the usual magical shows... Nadayantor X comes close to that, though...) this whole thing is becoming more and more intriguing. More! More! It's a good back-to-back with Kumiko! ^_^
One more thing is that I dunno what comes next... which I love about reading stuff like this. ^_^ The insecure Emi I half-expected, but the runaway thing was totally unexpected, and from here anything goes. I'll be highly interested in seeing what you'll come up with, Ammaddeau-san.
BTW, it's 'Chester' Casta�eda... my name sounds too formal in the author notes. ^_^
Ja!
C. Casta�eda