[Well, once again, here I am. <cracks knuckles> Time for another
round of deconstructing... Hehehehe. (Geez, I'm like the work horse of this
group...<grin>)
Ms. Calli, I got you in my sights.
Prepare to be deconstructed....]
Hola, everyone. Here's the next part of Tuxedo America, for your reading
enjoyment.
This chapter was written by Calli, who you can contact at
Gally242@worldnet.att.net... so be sure to send her a e-mail if you like this
chapter!
[I realize that she's the one I'm really talking to here, but I'll send this to you
just in case you want to fill in any holes about the FFML's SLR.]
And if you REALLY like it, visit Working Title Fiction at
http://wfiction.sandwich.net/, where you can sign up to write a chapter of the
story and read all the old chapters as well.
[Personally, I truly love the concept of impro fics, but unfortunately, I'm a slow
writer, so I can't participate. *Sigh*]
Enjoy!
Posting for Phoebe (keh36@student.canterbury.ac.nz)
and Working Title Fiction (http://wtfiction.sandwich.net/),
Official WTF liason,
Mechalink
**********
_____________________________________________
| Tuxedo America |
| Chapter 5: Settling in. |
| |
| Started by ColdFury |
| This part by Calli |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Students sat peacefully in the commons area, pursuing the normal
activities of students. Procrastination. Checking out the
opposite sex. Griping about classes. And eating.
[Oiyo. Too many fragments. I know it's for effect, but it's slightly
gratuitous here... Maybe combining it all together?]
Mamoru walked out of the campus Burger Barn with a tray of food.
It was the standard red star special grub: burger, fries, and a
caffinated bevarage of your choice, the paper cup naturally
almost filled to the brim with mass-produced icecubes.'?
[Burger Barn? He ain't in Japan anymore that's for sure...
And that question mark... is that suppose to be there?]
He glanced around for an empty table, not noticing a small speck
of light dart out of a sewer grate and settle onto one of
Joe-Random-Student's fries.
[I knew Joe... great guy. Anyway, ah, I'd avoid using descriptions like
'Joe-Random-Student's,' it would be just as well to say that the speck
landed in some unsuspecting student's fries... That way your readers won't
be groaning as much... <wink>]
"Hey, Mamoru! Over here!" a cheery voice called out.
Mamoru looked to see Kelly waving from an otherwise unoccupied
table and sat down across from her.
['Hmmmm, I'm in America and Usagi is in Japan and this really pretty
American girl is waving me over to an empty table.... Should I dare?']
"How yah been?" she asked.
["Is that a banana in your pocket or are you happy to see me? <wink, wink>"
"Uh, Mamoru, are you okay?"
"Are your arms tired 'cause you've been walking in my dreams all night."
"Er, are you sure that was remedial English you took before coming here?"]
"Pretty good," Mamoru replied,"Did you ever find out why
Professor Blout had a guest lecturer in yesterday?"
"Well.. I've been checking around and the rumor was that
Keith's lab partner's girlfriend's sister's best friend's
brother heard that he was seen heading to the deans office,
looking pretty busted up ."
["Like yo, he had a cap put in his unrighteous ass."
"Okay, I could understand one word in all that."]
Mamoru blinked, "Busted up?"
"Oh sorry! It means looking like he'd just got in a bad fight."
She laughed. "You speak english so well I forget it's not your
native tounge."
[Cap English. tounge -> tongue]
"It's okay," Mamoru smiled. "I need to pick up more expressions,"
He frowned. "That's odd though... I just saw Blout walking on my
way here and he seemed fine..."
[Er, dialog is a bit awkward. How about, "I just saw Professor Blout
on my way here and he looked fine to me..."]
Kelly shrugged,"It was just a rumor. It problaby started out that
he had actually had a sprained ankle and turned into he'd been
whipped to within an inch of his life by some dominatrix queen."
[probably... And errrr....dominatrix queen? Do I like where this
is going?]
Mamoru's reply would be forever lost as screams started up from
across the commons area. Joe-Random-Student was in the greasy
grip of a giant french fry.
[Ah, now I believe I get it. We're bein' tongue and cheek, ain't we?
Why didn't anyone tell me?]
"Crispy!" The youma shouted as it sucked Joe-Random-Student's
energy away.
[Beefy!]
"I have to go now!" Kelly and Mamoru shouted simultaneously.
They blinked, stared at each other, then nodded and took off
in opposite directions, the same slightly puzzled look on
both their faces.
["MOON HEART CRYSTAL CRISIS POWER MAKE-UP!"
"Er, Mamoru, I think I got yours."
"Geez..."
"So...?"
"...."
"...."
"Does this suit make me look fat?"]
The youma droped Joe-Random-Student and turned its attention
to the high energy levels coming from the bickering pair
walking by the commons area.
"Can't you let me go get food in peace?!" Josh shouted.
"You call that high fat greasy garbage you're going to get
food?" Ryan smirked.
[Ah troo wuv.]
Josh took a deep, angry breath, his face reddening. "Why
don't you just go-AAAAAAAAAHH!!"
The youma grabbed Josh and Ryan, ignoring their pitiable cries.
With glee, it drained their energy all out till they were no
more then dust blowing away in the wind.
[pitiable? I don't believe I've seen that word before.]
Or it would have if not a split-second after it grabbed them
a rose thuded into its forehead.
[My suggestion:
Or it would have, if not for the rose thrusting itself into the
creature's forehead.
My grammar's a bit shaky, but I think that's right.]
"Those that disrupt the sacred lunch of the hard-working
college student must be punished. It is not just to fill
the precious hour of relaxation with screams of fear and
terror! I, Tuxedo Mask, shall show you the error of your ways!"
Tuxedo Mask shouted as he threw another rose at the youma.
[Now, I'm not one to get nitty with consistency with names, but I believe
that some consistency should be expressed. So, wouldn't it be Kamen
instead of Mask?]
"Criiiiiispy!!!!" The youma shouted as it droped Josh and Ryan
and rushed towards Tuxedo Mask, who quickly jumped off the
table he was standing on and landed on the youma's head. He
flipped off as soon as he impacted and and landed behind it
as it smashed face down on the concrete.
[Two ands. Also, why is Mask boy givin' ugly the finger?]
"Charging Cane Attack!!!" Tuxedo Mask shouted as he ran forward.
[Wow, he's learnin' somethin' new for a change. No more wimpy, girlish
roses for Mr. Tough Guy. <grin>]
The next thing anyone could tell the youma was now two youmas.
Niether one was looking too healthy as both halves fell to the
ground, flashed, and turned into half a french fry each.
[Neither.]
"Let that be a lesson to you!" Tuxedo Mask said as he ran off.
[And the french fries vowed never to do wrong again... The End....]
Solaris and Nightshadow arrived on scene just in time to see
the last bit of Tuxedo Mask's cape flap away. They puased for
a second... then shrugged in resignation... Nightshadow healed
up the few affected students and then they left.
Joe-Random-Student dashing out as soon as he could move to go
scrub the layers of grease off of himself.
[paused...
Nightshadow: Wow, you had a big role, didn't you?
Solaris: Shut up and heal the kids before you have to heal yourself.
Nightshadow: What do you mea- *WHAM!* Owwwwww....]
-------------
A few hours after the youma attack Mamoru returned to his
apartament, only to walk in on the middle of an argument.
[LINE BREAK! Probably would want to fix that...]
"It was real, man!" Josh shouted.
"Nonsense, it was just the drama departament getting a bit carried
away, I'm sure," Ryan smiled condescendingly.
["No man, like they were real and stuff."
"Kinda like the time you were kidnapped by aliens, right?"
"Dude, I'm tellin' you that probe was real!"]
"No way, I was closer then you, that was real and I don't even
know why you won't leave me alone over this!" Josh clenched his
fists in an attempt to control himself.
["Must control hidden feelings for another man...Urk!"]
"Closer by a foot or two," Ryan snapped back. "I want to make
sure you see the truth in this little matter."
"Umm... excuse me what are you talking about?" Mamoru asked.
Josh took this opportunity to escape from Ryan and pratically
leaped at Mamoru. He told him about the youma in the commons
and the resulting battle ending with, "And then the guy in
the super cheesy tuxedo and dumb mask ran off."
[practically. And leaped at... you don't mean like glomping, do you?
Also, the tail end of the sentence before the dialog needs to be completed.]
Mamoru sweatdropped, "How interesting..."
Ryan snorted. "I'm sure Mamoru doesn't belive it was real either."
Mamoru headed off the arguement by quickly grabbing the remote and
turning on the TV,"Lets see what's on now?" he suggested, hoping
the pair wouldn't start up again.
[Maybe you should put the dialog in front of the prose...]
"Hey cool the first superman movie," Josh exclaimed as he hopped
onto the couch.
[Cap Superman, unless we're takin Ubermensch...
"Nah, let's watch Who Wants to Be A Fresh Prince of Belaire."
"Um, no, I think-"
"No, we've got to let him down easy."
"Right."
"Um, Mamoru."
"Yeah?"
"That's Who Wants to Be A Millionaire..... and it stars Regis Philbin."
"Ahh.... NOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"Dude, I said easy."
"Dude, like I'm sorry... and stuff."]
"You watch that," Ryan agreed. "I've got studying to do.
Unlike some of us." The man walked off to his room, ignoring his
cousin's indignant yelp.'
[Um, where did the single quote come from?]
"Superman?" Mamoru asked as he sat, distraction Josh from thoughts
of vengeance.
"Yah, big american bit of culture. Basic story is a guy has super
powers and decides to use them for good and saving people and all
that. My favorite part is how he disguises his secret identity."
[Cap American.]
"...how is that?"
"Nothing more then a pair of glasses that he takes off when he's
Superman. I mean how lame is that?" Josh snickered. "And of course
nobody notices since his eyes are covered. I guess you shouldn't
take this stuff that seriously, but still nothing more then a pair
of glasses."
Josh snickered again,"How stupid would someone have to be to not
notice that in the real world?"
[Probably should combine the two paragraphs above...]
Mamoru sweatdropped,"Yah... it's pretty dumb isn't it..."
[I noticed you like to use sweatdrop as a verb somewhat. I'd
suggest variety, you can still be tongue in cheek, but you'd be
creative all at the same time...]
Josh nodded. "Yah, really and another thing-," Josh's watch
beeped. "Gah, sorry. Gotta go, dude; need to call my mom."
Mamoru waved as Josh left and decided to watch a bit of this "Superman".
[We talkin' Cage or Reeves?]
---------------
Bloutite entered HER chambers.
He tried out his new tatic, namely launching right into his report and
forgetting to address HER by any title whatsoever. "The new youma
delivery system was tested today. The one developed by the physics
department using light to send a student youma into an object incre-"
Her whip flashed out. "ADDRESS ME BY MY TITLE!"
"Aaaahhh... yes...
" Bloutite quickly thought (... SHE wanted to be called Queen last
time...) "... yes... mmmmyyy.... Goddess?"
[Ahhhh....]
The whip stayed still. "ABOUT TIME YOU REMEMBERED MY TITLE. NOW,
GIVE YOUR REPORT!"
["AND TELL ME HOW TO GET ME OUT OF CAPSLOCK! AHHH! THIS YELLING
IS MAKING ME ALL CRAZY IN THE HEAD.. and stuff."]
Bloutite was frozen for a moment then whapped himself over the
head with his sweatdrop.
[Ah... yes?]
"Yes, my Goddess. The new youma delivery system worked perfectly,
giving the youma sent greater power then if it just teleported
there without a base... unfortunately as expected it lowers the
intelligance of the one sent a bit.."
[giving the youma we sent power than if it just... it lowers the youma's
intelligence slightly... ]
"YOU WILL FIX THAT!"
["AND GET ME OUT OF CAPS!!!"]
"Yes, my goddess... working on it as we speak... in other news
your grand plan to prevent new heros from interfering is going
smoothly."
"HOW COULD IT NOT!? IT IS MY PLAN!" The whip flashed out. "ARE
YOU INSIUTATING SOMETHING!?"
[Insinuating.]
"AAaaaaaaaaahhhh, no no no, my Goddess... the dog youma we sent
to the source of the psychic vibrations is doing exacly as you
commanded... filling the prospective hero's head with all sorts
of wild tales..."
"GOOD. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?!"
"No, my Goddess, that is all."
"THEN BE GONE FROM HERE!"
"Yes, at once." Bloutite bowed and walked out of HER chambers.
["Found that capslock yet, my Goddess."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"
"Er, I didn't say anything... uh, gonna go, I've to wash my grandma.."
"AHHHH, HOW COME NOBODY WANTS TO STAY AND CHAT WITH
ME? *SOB*"]
---------------
Bloutite stormed down the halls mumbling to himself, students
pressing themselves against the walls to steer clear of him.
[Now that's me on a good day... <grin>]
"I don't like it.. not a good plan.. but I can't tell HER that...
that dog just showed up from nowhere... and she immediately made
it almost as high a rank as me!" He pause to incinerate a student
who looked at him funny. "And we can't contact it at all in the
field... this is going to go bad... and when it does, who'll be
the one taking the blame... ME! That's who..."
[A dog getting as high a rank you... Boy, this guy's gettin' the feel of
American capitalism...
Now can the students actually hear what he's saying? It would be
funny to have the students mumble about the dog and the other jibberish he's
spouting later on.]
Bloutite went into his office and used his rage as the fuel to
make pop quizzes for his lecture classes at both campuses.
[And students everywhere ate cake... and what that has to do with anything
is beyond the mental capabilities of the reviewer as he has just finished
writing his history paper. Puritans are good.... <drool>]
------
Author's notes time!!
Wai! My first nonchibi-impro part!!
Super thanks to Phoebe for prereading for me.
Let's see... what to say about this part...
Look! I brought the roomates back! They're cool, use them people!:)
Well.. that's really all I can think of to say.^^;;
[The roommates were okay. Slight overtones, but maybe that's just
me....
Anyway, time for Bastion's Mega-Super-Colossal Deconstruction Overview
Well, this is an impro fic, so it makes it difficult for me to critique you
for consistency with characterization since your characters are direct
derrivatives from other authors. So I'll have to look at it in the narrow scope
of this part. Characters as a whole, well, came off slightly flat. Kinda ho-hum
even for tongue in cheek stuff like this. Also, this part wasn't very long and
looking at previous parts posted to the list, it's half the size, so nothing much
happened. It's your part, give it some meat and bones.
Also, you need to vary your sentence structure, too much noun
verb stuff goin' on. It gets rather tiresome to read through stories that are
very much like that. I know that it isn't like you can turn it on like a switch,
just something to improve upon whenever you write another part.
Hmmm, anything else? Uh, nope. I wish you guys all the luck with the impro
fic.
Adios
Bastion
SLR Deconstruction Team
Deconstructor # 2
No I don't inspect your underwear....