I just wrote this last night... I'll get to the rest of the story when I
have time. This is my first OAV, which is like an MST but not
necessarily on really bad fanfics... you'll get the idea.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE
THE OAVing - PART 1
NACHO: Welcome to OAV 42!
ACE: What the heck is OAV 42 supposed to be?
NACHO: It's like MST3K, only it makes more sense.
SHEILA: How does it make more sense?
NACHO: Well, for starters, most MST authors torture their casts with
horrible stories. I don't know about you guys, but I hate horrible
fanfics.
ACE: That's why they call them "horrible."
NACHO: Right. So, why can't we ever comment through a readable fanfic,
just for a change of pace?
SHEILA: I wonder...
ACE: So what's with the name? OAV 42?
NACHO: Well... MST3K stands for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Well, what
we're doing isn't a mystery... it's pretty obvious that we're reading
fanfiction.
SHEILA: Hence O for Obvious.
NACHO: And we're not necessarily reading science fiction; we're reading
anime fanfiction.
ACE: Thus A for Anime.
NACHO: And we're not in a theater; we're in a computer.
JUNK: Hence V for... vibrator?
NACHO: C for computer. The V is a typo.
SHEILA: I get it. And why 42?
ACE: If we knew the answer to that question, the universe would cease to
exist and be replaced by a new universe that's even more complicated.
SHEILA: Wouldn't that be if we knew the QUESTION to that ANSWER?
NACHO: Right. Anyway, introduction time. I'm Nacho, the semi-SI host.
There's a reason behind the name, but you probably don't want to know.
JUNK: It's because you taste really good with cheese, right?
NACHO: That's Junk. He thinks the fart is the highest form of humor, and
will laugh at anything that involves a sound effect in any way.
ACE: (fart sound)
JUNK: (laughs maniacally)
NACHO: Thanks Ace, nature's answer to anything that isn't humorous
enough on its own.
ACE: And then there's Sheila.
NACHO: Right. Sheila's the girl.
SHEILA: That's it? That's my entire introduction?
NACHO: (checks cue card) Yep. Anyway, today we're going to read "Ran
Wars: The Fandom Menace" by Blade and Epsilon.
SHEILA: (looks at the length of the scroll bar) Um, guys... I don't
think we're going to get through this in one sitting.
NACHO: Right. So we'll break it up into manageable chunks.
JUNK: Then we'll blow them.
ACE: Quick, start the fanfic before he mouths off again!
<BEGIN FANFIC>
C&A Productions Presents
A Star Wars/Ranma 1/2 Fusion Fic
-
NACHO: Fusion? That's pretty dangerous, isn't it?
ACE: Nah, this is the future. They've got cold fusion.
-
(We see an infinite field of stars, swirling slowly in the
darkness.
-
NACHO: So that's what infinity looks like...
SHEILA: <Death> ONLY FROM THE INSIDE...
-
Then a flash of yellow, which pulls back slowly until
we see it was the edge of a set of giant words, which read...)
-
ACE: THE END
NACHO: EAT AT JOE'S
SHEILA: COKE IS IT!
JUNK: RED LIGHT DISTRICT
-
RAN
WARS
-
ACE: We ran them, all right. They went well, but had a lot of
casualties.
-
(The words pull back into the distance and disappear, perhaps to
continue onward in their flight-as giant disembodied words are
wont to do-until they crash into some distant planet and wipe out
an advanced civilization.
-
NACHO: Then humans have nothing to worry about.
-
But I digress. As they move out of
sight, another set of giant letters begin to scroll up into the
depths of space.)
-
NACHO: Are these things expensive?
SHEILA: They can afford it. They're world famous fanfic authors.
ACE: Text is cheap. Images are the real limiting factor.
-
Episode !
-
NACHO: SOMEBODY FORGOT TO LET GO OF THE SHIFT KEY>
ACE: NAH< I THINK IT"S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY>
SHEILA: Maybe it's just supposed to be a really exciting "episode!"
-
The Fandom Menace
-
SHEILA: Are they claiming that THEY'RE the menace to fandom?
NACHO: In that case, we've got to stop them now, before they write
anything else!
ACE: I'm on it. (leaves)
-
The Republic is ailing, as corrupt senators squabble endlessly
over every little thing. This really has little to do with our
story, however...
-
NACHO: We just thought you'd like to know.
-
The ancient Jedi are not what they once were, as the mighty arts
of the Jedi Ninja have been forgotten.
-
SHEILA: In their place are now the worthless arts of the Jedi Napkin
Folding.
-
Unknown to them, the dark
Sith have uncovered those arts and are making the first moves
towards galactic domination.
-
SHEILA: Pawn to queen 4.
-
The peaceful planet Dojo is about to become the centre of the new
conflict, as the Sith seek to claim a new member for their
sinister ranks.
-
NACHO: And for their tax exemptions.
-
And so the tale begins...
-
ACE: (returns)
NACHO: So, what did they say?
ACE: Something Junk would be proud of.
-
(The words float up and out of sight, and soon we are left with
only a view of space. Space is boring, so let's move on.
-
ACE: To the even more boring story that follows it...
-
Nearby
floats a planet; blue-green with white clouds all about it.
Around the planet drift hundreds of flower-shaped battleships
like giant metal waterlilies.
-
NACHO: Giant metal waterlilies would sink. They're not buoyant.
-
Out of the darkness, another ship
approaches the blockade. This one is a cigar-shaped red craft
with three huge engines on the back.
-
SHEILA: They carry a huge lighter to launch it.
JUNK: Hey! That's no cigar! That's a...
SHEILA: No. It's a cigar.
-
In the cockpit, the pilot
and her co-pilot look on in muted awe.)
Pilot: I'd heard the stories, but I never really believed it...
Co-pilot: That -is- a lot of ships.
-
NACHO: A used ship-lot. A nice place to start the story.
-
(A cloaked figure comes into view behind the two of them and
speaks in a beautiful, feminine voice.)
Figure: Calmness, Captain.
-
NACHO: <Fujin> LANDING. SAFE.
-
The Gardening Union must accept our
petition.
-
ACE: We got over half the planet to sign it!
-
Contact them, and we should be able to deal with this
problem shortly.
-
NACHO: <Pilot> Yes ma'am! Paging the Homework Hotline!
-
Pilot: Yes, sir... (she hits some buttons)
-
SHEILA: <Buttons> Ow!
-
This is the
Republic Starcruiser Kagome, requesting landing clearance.
(The main viewscreen flickers, and on it appears the face of what
one might consider a pretty young girl, if one were into green
skin and red eyes.
-
JUNK: Hey, as long as she's hot, I'm not picky!
-
Still she is fairly human in appearence
despite this, with short hair decorated by a tulip.)
-
SHEILA: I would not trust the decorative sense of a tulip.
-
Girl: Of course! (cheerful smile) The Gardening Union is very
happy to recieve the ambassadors.
-
NACHO: It's "I before E except after C," right?
ACE: That's the idea. "Recieve" is the local word for "kill."
NACHO: Oh... carry on then.
-
All we want is peace!
-
JUNK: Yeah, a piece of the pretty ambassador! (drools)
-
(She smiles again, and then the image de-rezes and snaps back to
a radar image. Another cloaked figure appears beside the first.)
2nd Figure: She's lying.
-
JUNK: And not in my bed? How cruel!
-
1st Figure: Calmness. I'm sure this is all just a
misunderstanding.
-
ACE: Definitely. I sure don't get it.
-
(The second figure does not respond, but does look at his
colleague in surprise as the pilot guides the cruiser into a huge
hangar within one of the floating lily-ships. As the Starcruiser
sets down, we see dozens of beings which resemble a cross between
an asparagus plant and a scarecrow scurrying around the deck.
-
NACHO: If they only had a brain...
-
Even stranger are the dandelion-shaped starfighters walking
around on vine legs. Presently, the ramp under the nose of the
Republic craft descends,
-
JUNK: Releasing tons of snot all over the deck.
-
and the two brown-robed figures walk
out, features still hidden by their hoods.
-
ACE: For which we are all grateful.
JUNK: No way! One of them's a woman! I want to see features! I want to
see BOOBS!
SHEILA: (under her breath) Try the mirror...
-
After a quick look
around, they walk over to the hangar doors, which open with a
sharp hiss as they approach.
-
NACHO: So they're on the Enterprise?
ACE: <Spock> That's illogical, Captain!
-
On the other side, they are greeted
by a shiny silver droid with a large spatula on its arm.)
-
NACHO: Wonder who this could be...
SHEILA: <Sy Greenblum> I loved the spatulas so much, I built a droid.
-
Droid: I am Okono-B8, welcome aboard gentlemen...if you'll follow
me?
-
ACE: ... I'll take you somewhere, I guess. I don't sound too sure about
this.
-
(The droid walks down the hall, the two cloaked figures following
until they reach a large conference room. After showing them in,
the droid scurries off on some other errand, and the two walk
towards a nearby set of windows, pulling off their hoods.
-
NACHO: This causes their heads to fall off.
ACE: Exposure to the sunlight gives them fatal skin cancer, from which
they instantly die.
-
This,
of course, leads to revealing their faces, thus giving the
authors an excuse to describe them.
-
ACE: Like they need one?
-
The younger of them is a man
in his late teens, with an extremely boyish face made even more
honest-looking by his thin round glasses.
-
SHEILA: Always trust a man with glasses.
JUNK: (puts on a pair of glasses)
SHEILA: No. Never. Sorry.
-
His short black hair
is somewhat mussed. His older companion appears to be a woman in
her late twenties.
-
JUNK: Hotcha! Nodoka, perhaps?
-
She has the kind of fresh, beautiful face for
which excessive makeup is a sacrilege.
-
JUNK: Plum! My baby!
-
Her long, rich black hair
is pulled back into a high ponytail.)
-
JUNK: That's it! She's gotta be Kodachi!
-
Young man: I have a bad feeling about this, Konatsu-sensei.
-
JUNK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NACHO: That's harsh. All this time, it was Konatsu.
ACE: Well... you can always pretend it's a much more reserved version of
Kodachi...
JUNK: (in tears) No! My childlike innocence has been shattered!
SHEILA: You weren't innocent to begin with.
JUNK: Oh, right. (perks up)
SHEILA: Get your hands off of me, Junk.
-
Konatsu: (smiles) The Force speaks to you clearly, Tofu-Wan.
-
NACHO: Once you clean out your ears, you'll be able to hear it.
-
I'm
sure you will become a Sage when you take the trials.
-
ACE: Take two and call me in the morning.
-
Tofu: Thank you, sensei.
Konatsu: As for your intuition, think of the moment, and dwell
not on the future.
-
SHEILA: Don't plan ahead. Wait until they try to kill us before looking
for a way out.
-
The Gardening Union is weak, and must surely
concede to the Chancellor's demand.
-
NACHO: <Chancellor> You must bring us... A SHRUBBERY!
-
Tofu: I would agree with you, but to even make this move is
unusual for them.
-
ACE: Never castle queenside.
-
Konatsu: I'm sure this is merely a misunderstanding.
-
SHEILA: There's a lot of that going around.
-
We will
reach a peaceful solution.
-
ACE: Pay no attention to the waterlily warships...
-
Tofu(dubiously): If you say so, sensei.
(Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Union ship, the girl from the
transmission is standing among more of the strange asparagus-like
beings.
-
JUNK: Worry not, my love! I shall save you from them!
-
She is wearing a molded red breastplate with an ornate
symbol on it, and flower-petal shaped skirt over a pair of dark
tights. She is still smiling, although now the expression is
decidedly more malicious.
-
NACHO: <Girl> I'll get you, my pretty, and your little boyfriend too!
ACE: <Tofu> Leave Konatsu out of this!
-
Out of the back steps another girl,
dressed similarly. Indeed, if it were not for the fact her
breastplate is blue and sports a different symbol, it would be
difficult to tell the difference between them.)
-
SHEILA: Closed characterized for the colorblind and illiterate.
-
2nd Girl(frowning): Aiya! We have a big problem, over!
-
NACHO: Over what?
-
1st Girl: (laughs) You worry too much, Link! We shall bedazzle
these pitiful ambassadors with the power of our bioroid armies,
over! (grins evilly)
-
ACE: Gotta love that evil grin! (grins evilly)
NACHO: You do it so well.
-
Link: Even if the ambassadors are Jedi, over?
1st Girl: (falls over) Aiya! I can't deal with Jedi, over! (she
is still smiling, paradoxically)
-
ACE: That's like the graph of y=x^2, right?
NACHO: No, that's "parabolically."
-
Link: Well, -I'm- not going in there, over. (crosses arms)
-
SHEILA: Over her dead body, maybe?
-
1st Girl: (pulls herself up and smiles triumphantly) As Viceroy,
I order you to do it, Link, over!
-
ACE: <Link> Oh, shut up, Navi. Zelda�s been on my case lately...
JUNK: Hey, 1st Girl, I�LL gladly do it!
SHEILA: With a Viceroy? You have a death wish, don�t you?
JUNK: Hey, with Happosai lurking somewhere in this story, I�m a saint by
comparison!
-
Link: (flat look) Get over it, Pink, over.
-
NACHO: Yeah. Don�t get over it under.
JUNK: I�d like to get over her under...
NACHO: Don�t go there.
-
Pink: Well...you delay them, and I'll contact (shudders) him,
over.
Link: No way, have you ever faced down a Jedi, over?
-
ACE: <Pink> Well, there was that one funny green guy who laughed at my
colorful name...
SHEILA: <Link> What was his name?
ACE: <Pink> Pantyhose Yoda.
-
Pink: I faced the master, over.
-
NACHO: And over, and over, and over...
-
Link: Yes, well...all the more reason to avoid facing the Jedi,
over.
Pink: But what else can we do, over?
-
JUNK: You�re both lovely young girls... I�m sure you�ll think of
something entertaining and citrusy...
ACE: As long as it gets them off that darned walkie-talkie speech
pattern.
ALL: Over.
-
(The two pause, and then turn as one to look at the chef droid in
the corner. Their eyes glitter.)
-
NACHO: Nah, that�s just the reflection of the ceiling lights off of the
droid�s body.
SHEILA: Must be a lazy droid... a kitchen slave that clean...
ACE: Once Akane started cooking for them, they didn�t need the droid any
more. In fact, they didn�t need quite as much food, either.
-
Okono-B8: What did I ever do to you?
-
ACE: You mean, aside from the incessant Marvin quotations?
NACHO: <Marvin> Food... don�t talk to me about food...
-
(Back in the conference room, Konatsu and Tofu continue to talk
as a droid serves them food.)
-
ACE: Having never been taught that it�s impolite to talk with one�s
mouth full.
SHEILA: If you know that, why are your table manners so atrocious?
ACE: What, you mean it's true? I thought I was just making it up...
-
Tofu: Does it usually take this long?
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Only when I'm thinking about baseball.
-
Konatsu: You worry too much, Tofu-wan. I'm certain this will all
be resolved peacefully.
Tofu: I still have a bad feeling about this...
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Oh, sorry. Try using some lubricant.
SHEILA: Someone else come up with a line, please!
ACE: Sorry. Junk had that one dead on.
-
(Back on the bridge, the Gardening Union duo stand in front of a
translucent blue hologram. The figure in the image is very
small, no higher than two feet at most, and is covered in a dark
robe.)
-
NACHO: Emperor Pilaf!
ACE: Funny... I never knew the Gardeners had their own union...
SHEILA: Galactic 42.
-
Pink: There is a problem, over.
Link: The Republic has sent the Jedi, over.
-
NACHO: Shouldn't that be, "The Republic has sent the Jedi over, over?"
-
Pink: We can't deal with them, over.
-
ACE: <Pink> Nabiki doesn't enter for a few more scenes.
-
Evil Dwarf: This isn't good... (he pauses, and a leer appears on
his shadowed face)
-
ACE: Which no one can see because it's shadowed...
-
Kill them.
-
ALL: Over.
-
Link: (blinks) Isn't that a little too much, over?
Pink(triumphantly): No! It's the perfect plan, over!
-
ACE: Is this dwarf supposed to be Mojo Jojo?
-
Evil Dwarf: Exactly. (cackles) Now, if you two could just lean
forward, and...
-
JUNK: Yes! Yes! It's HAPPOSAI!
-
Link: (sweatdrop) Uh...no, that's fine, we'll go along with your
plan, over.
-
NACHO: It's over already? I didn't know they'd started!
-
Evil Dwarf(coaxingly): Now come on...
Pink: We're losing transmission! (she hits a button and the
hologram degrades rapidly)
-
SHEILA: As much as it's possible to degrade Happosai...
-
So sorry, over!
(The hologram disappears and the twins breathe a sigh of relief.
Back in the conference room, Tofu and Konatsu are sitting near
the head of the table.)
-
JUNK:
SHEILA: No.
-
Tofu: I...
(Hiss.)
-
ACE: <Tofu> But only when I'm (angry).
-
Konatsu(primly): I know you're impatient, Tofu-Wan, but hissing
will hardly speed matters.
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Growling, however, makes me SO hot!
-
Tofu: I'm not hissing, sensei.
Konatsu: (shakes her head)
-
SHEILA: Am I wrong, or isn't Konatsu really a guy?
NACHO: I'm sorry. You must phrase your question without a double
negative.
-
It is the duty of every Jedi never to
hide the truth, especially the Sages.
-
NACHO: The Onions, however, will remain forever shrouded in mystery.
-
Tofu(protests): But I'm not lying. (he points at the billowing
clouds of green smoke pouring out of the vents) Maybe that has
something to do with it?
-
JUNK: THE SHIP FARTED! WOO HOO!
SHEILA: Good thing he's a doctor.
JUNK: Doctor Tofu operates on flatulent ships?
SHEILA: No, on you, once I pound you after your next wisecrack.
ACE: Bad choice of words, Sheila...
-
Konatsu: Oh...perhaps it does, at that. (looks at Tofu) Shall
we?
-
JUNK: <Tofu> Wait, I'm out of condoms...
-
(They both nod and take a deep breath.
-
NACHO: A deep, green breath.
-
Outside, several dozen of
the asparagus-shaped bioroids walk up to the door.)
-
ACE: Streamlined. But why asparagus?
SHEILA: They were out of carrots.
-
Bioroid#1: Nobody could have lasted that long. Number 34, check
it out.
Bioroid#34: Why do you hate me so?
-
NACHO: AAH! They're all Marvin!
-
Bioroid#15: This isn't the time or place, guys.
-
ACE: No, it's a completely different time and place.
-
Bioroid#1: Fine, you coward! I'll do it.
(He opens the door, and the smoke pours out in clouds so thick
that it is impossible to get a good view of the interior.
-
ACE: Such a shame. The clouds had such a lovely, billowy interior.
-
The
first bioroid raiss a tube-like weapon with a pump on one end,
-
JUNK: <Desk Sergeant> One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump...
NACHO: Thoroughly raissed. Whatever that means.
-
just as the Okono droid scurries out, pushing one of the squad
aside in its haste to escape.)
Bioroid#1: How rude...
-
ACE: He, also, had his mouth full.
-
(Suddenly, two streams of light, one bright orange and the other
pure white, blaze into being with a low thrum. The bioroids pull
back and raise their weapons.)
Bioroid#34: (to #15) Tell my mother I loved her...
-
JUNK: <Bioroid#15> I loved her too. Intimately.
-
(Konatsu and Tofu leap out, and a few quick moves later the
corridor is decorated with filleted bioroid.)
-
NACHO: Of course their corners are rounded! They're asparagus shaped!
ACE: Get your dictionaries, folks...
-
Tofu: So much for diplomacy.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> I thought hacking the welcoming committee to pieces was
common courtesy on Namek.
SHEILA: <Tofu> It is. However, we're not on Namek.
-
Konatsu: A misunderstanding, I'm sure. (waves her hand and sends
three approaching bioroids flying) Perhaps we should take this
up with the Viceroy in person?
-
ACE: Yeah, show her that hand-wavy thing you do.
JUNK: Wave your hands all over her body!
NACHO: I'm sure she'll be tickled Pink.
SHEILA: (groans)
-
Tofu: An excellent suggestion, sensei.
(Several more bioroids shows up, and begin to pump-literally-
hundreds of black pellets towards the Jedi at hypervelocities.
-
NACHO: What's-the-point-of-making-every-phrase-a-single-word?
ACE: Idon'tknowbutit'sprobablygotsomethingtodowiththepellets.
SHEILA: Maybe they're linguistic glue bombs?
-
Lightsabers move in dazzling arcs to intercept them. A few
pellets hit into the wall and sprout into what appear to be small
thorn plants...if thorn plants could rip through steel.
-
NACHO: They'd be pretty useful to bank robbers, certainly...
-
The Jedi
begin to run up the hallway, dismembering bioroids as they go.
Back in the control room, Pink and Link turn pale as one of their
bioroids report in.)
-
ACE: <Pink> You were all supposed to die before you could report in!
SHEILA: Over.
NACHO: Pink turns pale... totally screwing up the carefully planned
color palette.
-
Pink: This is not good, over.
Link: Do something, over!
-
NACHO: <Pink> I'M the Viceroy! YOU do something, over!
-
Pink: Close the blast doors, over! (giant metal doors clamp shut
over the entrance, and the twins breathe a sigh of relief) That
should keep us safe, over.
-
SHEILA: Unless they have those steel-ripping thorn pellets.
-
(Outside, the two Jedi make their way to the doors, fighting
their way past hordes of vicious special effec...err...that is,
bioroid commandos.
-
ACE: Yeah, what's so special about bioroids?
-
As they reach the sealed entrance, Konatsu
examines the control panel while Tofu covers her.)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> It's okay, Doctor. I'm not ashamed of my body.
-
Konatsu: Locked.
-
ACE: Stocked, and barreled as well.
-
Tofu: We'll have to cut through.
Konatsu: (shocked) But that would be rude!
-
SHEILA: And destroying all of those bioroids was just a formality,
right?
ACE: At least his mouth isn't full.
-
Tofu: I think it's necessary given the circumstances, sensei.
Konatsu: I suppose you're right...
(She sticks the blade of her lightsaber straight into the door,
which begins to glow a deep red as it heats up. Inside, Pink and
Link are clutching each other in terror.)
-
JUNK: No, not terror...
-
Pink: Waaaaaahhhhh! I'm too young, intelligent, beautiful and
evil to die, over!
-
ACE: Yeah, evil people never die!
NACHO: They just keep coming back for the sequel...
-
Link(frantically): Call the Defoliators! Call the Defoliators,
over!
-
ACE: For dinner.
NACHO: Call the Defoliators over, over?
-
(Outside, Tofu knocks away another half dozen bioroids with a
wave of his hand while Konatsu begins the final cut on the door.
Suddenly, two giant...brussel sprouts
-
ACE: Yeah... I can see why Brussels sprouts would be suspenseful.
-
roll up the corridor. They
unfold in front of the two Jedi, blue shields popping into being
around them.)
-
NACHO: Well, no worries about being burgled, then.
-
Tofu: Sensei, they're Defoliators!
(Konatsu looks over as Tofu blocks several more shots.)
-
JUNK: Hmm... yes... very nice ass.
-
Konatsu: Shielded...we must abandon this pursuit.
-
NACHO: United we stand, divided we fall...
ACE: Shielded, we make a run for it!
-
(She withdraws her lightsaber and makes a run for it, Tofu close
behind. A cool chase scene follows, but we're going to skip it.
-
SHEILA: Yeah, we wouldn't want the reader getting INTERESTED, now would
we?
-
On the other hand, we're also skipping the scene where the twins
discuss the merits of various fertilizers, so be grateful.
-
JUNK: I could teach them both a thing or two about fertilizer.
-
Instead, we focus on the planet below, where we see a large city
built on the edge of a waterfall, miles above the forests below.
-
ACE: Until gravity reasserts itself.
NACHO: Yeah... water a strong foundation doth not make. Particularly not
falling water.
-
The centrepiece of this city is a glittering palace of..well...
palatial proportions, graceful minarets catching the sunlight.
-
NACHO: Then throwing it back.
-
Within the equally impressive throne room of this palace sits a
young woman in a royal kimono, her face painted white with heavy
liner on the eyebrows. Her expression is perturbed. Perturbed,
that is, because it is not socially acceptable for a queen to be
pissed off.)
-
JUNK: Being pissed on is therefore out of the question.
-
Queen: What do you mean, we can expect no help?
-
ACE: Let's see... of help, we can expect none. No assistance is
forthcoming. When we may, in future, need someone to help us, it will
not happen. Capice?
NACHO: Thanks, Mojo.
-
(Before her is translucent hologram of a truly beautiful young
woman with long, shimmering black hair, dressed in delicate silk
robes.
-
ACE: Then why didn't you tell us about her before, instead of waiting
until after and just telling us she was supposed to come before?
-
The woman flinches slightly.)
-
JUNK: Heh heh... oops. Sorry.
-
Woman: Chancellor Tendo assures me that he has sent ambassadors
to clear up the problem... (static travels up and down her image,
-
ACE: That's a new word for it... "image"
JUNK: (writes this in a notebook)
-
which fades slightly) ...the Senate debates endlessly...
(Static interferes with the transmission once more, but this time
is too much to recover from, and the woman's image de-rezzes into
unintelligible light and sound.
-
JUNK: NO! Un-de-rezz that woman!
ACE: Sounds much better if you're reading this out loud, folks.
-
After a moment, someone shuts
the projector down.)
Queen: (turning to her four advisors) A communications
malfunction?
-
NACHO: The four advisors also de-rezz. It is discovered that the Queen
has the Mindless Gaze, which instantly de-rezzes anyone she looks at.
SHEILA: A very distorted reference to the Midas touch, I take it.
NACHO: (glares at Sheila)
SHEILA: (de-rezzes)
ACE: So THAT'S what de-rezzing looks like.
SHEILA: (re-rezzes) It feels almost, but not quite, entirely unlike...
(glances at Junk) Never mind.
-
Old Man: Unlikely. A communications disruption such as this can
mean only one thing: invasion.
-
ACE: <Old Man> Yeah, there's no such thing as technical difficulties in
this galaxy! We're too advanced for that!
NACHO: Then why can't they make bio-roids that don't fall apart with the
wave of a hand?
-
Another Old Man: Now, let us not be hasty. It could just be
solar flares.
Old Man(incredulously): Solar flares? We have a bleeding
invasion force in orbit, and you think this is SOLAR FLARES!?
-
SHEILA: If they're bleeding already, before the invasion's even
started...
-
Another Old Man: (defensively) It -is- possible...
Old Man: So is the warranty running out, but you don't see anyone
suggesting -that- idea!
-
NACHO: Certainly not the manufacturer...
-
Yet Another Old Man: (raises hand)
-
ACE: Sending everyone else flying across the room.
-
Now that you mention it...
Old Man: Oh shut up, you old fool!
Another Old Man: He's half your age!
-
ACE: Which means only five digits...
-
Old Man: And half my IQ too, I'd wager!
Yet Another Old Man: (tear streams)
-
SHEILA: What did those poor streams do to you to drive you to tear them?
-
Stop yelling at me!
Another Old Man: See, you made him cry!
Old Man: (crosses arms) And I'm proud!
-
NACHO: (sings) To be a Dojoian...
-
Queen: (sweatdrop) Perhaps we should consult the Captain of the
Guard, to gather his opinion?
-
ACE: Which he left scattered all over the room.
-
Another Old Man: Excellent suggestion, your majesty.
-
ALL: Yes man.
-
(They all turn to a young man in a purple and red outfit, with
boyish good looks and an honest face.
-
ACE: The others all covered their prosthetic faces, ashamed.
-
He stands behind the
throne, and is busily pushing a broom along the floor. There is
a few moments of silence.)
-
NACHO: He are conjugating the verb incorrectly.
ACE: Are he?
SHEILA: We's not noticing it.
-
Queen: (finally sighs)
-
ACE: Congratulations, Janitor! We've been trying to get her to sigh for
years!
-
Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: Oh... (looks up and blinks) Did you want me?
-
JUNK: She wants him, all right...
-
Queen: We seek the counsel of the Captain of the Guard.
Shinnosuke: (nods) I understand...did you want me to fetch him?
-
ACE: No, we're going to search for him ourselves. That's what "seek"
means!
-
Queen: Shinnosuke, you -are- the Captain of the Guard.
-
SHEILA: And they want his advice? Maybe this isn't such a good idea
after all...
-
Shinnosuke: I think I'd remember something like that.
Old Man(mutters): Unlikely.
Queen: We promoted you from janitor over a year ago. (Shinnosuke
looks confused) For exemplary service? Your protection of the
royal person? We held a three day celebration in your honour?
-
NACHO: Sounds like she's the forgetful one.
-
Shinnosuke: You mean I'm no longer a janitor?
Everyone: That's right...
-
ALL: <Everyone> You're FIRED!
-
Shinnosuke: (closes eyes and concentrates) Now I understand...
(everyone stares at him expectantly; suddenly, he opens his eyes
and slams his fist into his plam excitedly)
-
NACHO: It's not a very cunning plam anymore...
-
I'm not a janitor
anymore, I'm a sanitation engineer!
-
SHEILA: Even an oaf like Shinnosuke can be politically correct.
-
(The counsellors face-fault en masse. The Queen sighs, placing
her head in her hands.)
Queen: What would you suggest we do about the possible invasion,
Shinnosuke?
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> Hide the welcome mats! They'll think we're not very
friendly and leave!
-
Shinnosuke: (props broom over shoulder)
-
ACE: <Queen> Hey! You poked my eye out with that thing!
-
Well, I'm no Captain of
the Guard, mind you,
-
ALL: We believe you.
-
but I think that our best bet is to...
(pauses for a moment)
-
ACE: Yes! Pause for a moment! That will do it!
-
...set traps!
Queen: Traps?
-
SHEILA: You know, obstacles designed to stop invaders from getting in...
ACE: Don't try to explain. She couldn't even grasp the idea that help
wasn't coming.
-
Shinnosuke: Yes, traps! In fact, I'll get straight to work on
them! (he runs out)
Queen: (sighs) Why the Union is bothering to invade us, I'll
never know.
-
NACHO: Neither will I. They should just tell the Queen that she's under
their power. She'll believe them.
-
(To make her words that much more prophetic (or at least a decent
segue),
-
ACE: Yes. It's the least decent segue I've ever seen.
NACHO: Prophetic, or pathetic?
-
the scene switches to that of the invading bioroid army
as they land on the surface of the world in large craft shaped
like pruning shears.
-
NACHO: You know, that's like an army of cats flying in a ship shaped
like a dog.
-
Legions of humanoid plants disgorge from
each ship almost as soon as it lands;
-
JUNK: Vegetables make me hurl too.
-
some on foot, others in
huge attack vehicles and hovertanks, and still more on flying
single-creature craft that resemble sections of oranges with
guns.
-
NACHO: Which section of an orange has the gun?
SHEILA: The third one from the edge.
-
We see one of the bioroids sitting in the hatch of its
tank, sleeping blissfully.
-
ACE: Do bioroids dream of electric sheep?
NACHO: Nah, probably something salady, like bacon bits.
-
Suddenly, the twin images of Pink and
Link appear on a tiny holo-plate in front of him.)
-
JUNK: I want one of those! One that you tilt to make the clothes
disappear!
-
Pink: (clears throat audibly) Oh Captain, over!
-
NACHO: My Captain, over.
SHEILA: How poetic.
-
Bioroid#69: Huh? (snaps up) Chancellor! Uh...I...that is, I
was...photosynthesising! Yes, that's it...
-
NACHO: And then back to narrationing.
-
Link(frowning): Never mind that. We have reason to believe that
the Jedi have snuck down on one of your transports, over.
-
ACE: <Bioroid#69> What reason might that be?
NACHO: <Link> They signed the rental form in their own names.
-
Bioroid#69: Don't worry. If they're here, we will find them.
Pink: Find them... (smiles) ...and wipe them out, over!
-
SHEILA: Haven't they got smiles of their own? Why find more for them?
-
Link: Yes, wipe them out and crush all resistance, over!
Pink: Wipe them out, crush all resistance and capture the Queen,
over!
-
ACE: <Link> Wipe them out, crush all resistance, capture the Queen, and
demonstrate ruthless efficiency, over!
NACHO: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BIOROID INQUISITION!
-
(During this, the hapless bioroid's head has been wavering back
and forth between them.)
-
SHEILA: <Kryten> I've finally got the hang of ambivalence!
-
Bioroid#69: Right... (pulls out notepad)
-
NACHO: No! Wordpad is better!
-
So that's... (writes)
Capture the Queen and crush the Jedi...
-
ACE: And Knight to f7. Checkmate.
-
Pink: No, crush all resistance. Wipe out the Jedi, over!
-
ACE: <Pink> Take out the garbage, over.
NACHO: <Pink> Do your homework, over.
SHEILA: <Pink> Clean your room, over.
JUNK: <Pink> Rub some baby oil on my belly, over.
-
Link: And capture the Queen, over.
Bioroid#69: Gotcha.
Pink: (smirks) And terminate yourself for sleeping on the job,
over.
-
SHEILA: <Bioroid#69> I wasn't on the job! I clocked out early!
-
Bioroid#69: ... (sweatdrop) Before or after I do all the other
stuff?
Pink: Your choice, over.
Bioroid#69: (sighs) Thank you, mistresses.
-
JUNK: They're not his mistresses! They're mine! ALL MINE!
-
Link: (turns to Pink) Why are we such bitches when Shampoo hasn't
even been born yet, over?
-
ACE: Because you're attractive anime females. If you had tolerable
personalities, hundreds of innocent fanboys would die pining for you.
-
Pink: Shh! You'll disturb the Almighty Plot Hole, over!
-
JUNK: That's not the only hole they're disturbing...
SHEILA: Stop it. Now.
-
(The two fade out. Meanwhile, out in the forest the animals are
scattering in all directions as large transports crash through
the forest like battering rams.
-
SHEILA: Why bother when they can just chop them down like pruning
shears?
ACE: Because it's not a metaphor if that's what they really look like!
-
Out of one of the trees leaps a
woman who glides to the forest floor on large feathered wings.
She is wearing a dove-coloured leotard and belt that seem more
reminiscent of a uniform than a casual outfit, and a jewelled
sword and scabbard is belted to her thigh.
-
ACE: Must be a hard sword to swing, belted to her thigh like that.
SHEILA: It's an alternative to the chastity belt.
JUNK: Hate those...
-
Her short white hair
tosses in the breeze as she dashes away from the approaching army
on her taloned feet.)
-
NACHO: The minarets toss it back out.
-
Bird Woman: Just my luck...
Voice: Down!
-
ACE: Damn! If he'd shouted "duck" I could have done a Mousse joke!
NACHO: Never seen that stop you before...
-
(She starts and looks over as a cloaked figure bursts out of the
underbrush and tackles her to the ground.
-
JUNK: Ee hee hee!
-
She cries out and the
two tumble around as she struggles to pull herself free, but they
go still as one of the transport passes over them. Thankfully it
is a repulsorlift craft, so the two aren't reduced to bloody
smears on the forest floor.
-
ACE: In fact, their transition to bloody smears was a social climb.
-
After it passes, there is a moment
of silence.)
-
SHEILA: So someone DID die?
-
Bird Woman: (growls) You can get off me now.
-
JUNK: <Robed figure> No thanks. I'm quite comfortable here.
ACE: Did you forget the chastity sword?
JUNK: Oh yeah. <Robed figure> Oww... ow ow ow...
-
(The figure pulls up, and the hood of the robe pulls back to
reveal Konatsu's face.
-
NACHO: AAAAAAAAH! Oh, it's not scary.
-
The Jedi nods and pulls herself up; the
other woman pushes herself to her feet with clawed hands
-
SHEILA: I thought her feet had talons, not clawed hands!
-
and
disgustedly tries to wipe some of the grime from her outfit.)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Sorry... probably should have showered after that last
fling with Tofu.
-
Konatsu: No need to thank me!
-
ACE: She didn't try!
-
(smiles) It was my duty to save
you!
Bird Woman: Thank you?
-
NACHO: He said there was no need for that.
-
(she waves her fist) Thank you for WHAT?
I wasn't in any danger!
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Would you like to be? I could always wave my hand at
you...
-
Konatsu: (blinks) But there was no way you could have outrun...
(the bird woman extends her now-soiled wings to their full length
and flaps them irritatedly)
-
ACE: Yeah, see? Your wings are too dirty to fly!
-
Oh...well, I didn't see that.
(brightens) But it's the thought that counts, right?
-
ACE: Think again.
NACHO: And count it.
-
(The woman crosses her arms over her chest
-
JUNK: No! Move those arms!
-
and shoots the Jedi a
vicious glare just as Tofu bursts out of the underbrush.)
-
JUNK: <Tofu> I knew it! You've been cheating on me!
-
Tofu: Sensei, your back!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> No, it's my front.
-
(Tofu's lightsaber snap-hisses to life and he cuts two seedpods
out of the air.
-
NACHO: The air had been holding them pretty firmly, eh?
ACE: After they were cut free of the air, the seedpods gratefully
hatched into killer tomatoes and attacked.
SHEILA: We don't need to go into that.
-
One of the small flying bioroid ships screams
into the clearing and Tofu is forced to leap aside.
-
ACE: <screaming bioroid ship> HEY! TOFU! LEAP ASIDE!
-
Konatsu
pushes the startled bird woman into the muck and leaps up,
spinning.
-
JUNK: Yeah! Mud wrestling! More women! More muck! More innuendo!
-
There is a brief flash of light, and as Konatsu lands
and returns her lightsaber to her belt, the orange-ship is
spinning off in two directions.)
-
NACHO: Forwards and counterclockwise.
-
Konatsu: We can't stay here. We must get to the Queen.
-
JUNK: Yep. Bird woman's getting lonely in that mud.
-
Tofu: To warn her of the invasion? Surely she already knows...
-
ACE: Yeah, she told Shinnosuke to remind her about it.
-
Konatsu: No... (pauses) Only the Imperial Palace is equipped with
a hyperspace radio. Obviously there has been a misunderstanding.
-
NACHO: Of course. Every time one of those hyperspace radios turns up in
the Imperial Palace, there's a misunderstanding. Stands to reason.
ACE: Not much use if there's only one of them in existence...
-
We should contact the Council and work towards a deeper
understanding of the situation.
-
NACHO: The deeper understanding is out there... somewhere...
-
Tofu: They invaded. I think that's pretty understandable.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> Yeah... but you just try explaining it to that airheaded
queen!
-
Bird Woman: (angrily pulling herself out of the mud) Has the
concept of common decency ever occured to you barbarians?
-
ACE: <Konatsu>
NACHO: <Tofu>
JUNK: <
SHEILA: Junk, you have nothing to say.
JUNK: I was just going to mention talking with their mouths full.
-
Tofu: Who's this?
Konatsu: A local.
Bird Woman(sneers): My name is Kiima, human.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Pleased to meet ya, Kiimahuman! I'm Doctortofu, and this
is Crossdressingkonatsu.
-
Konatsu: And I am Konatsu, Jedi Samurai. This is my apprentice,
Tofu-Wan Kenobi.
-
NACHO: Jedi Samurai? So, they've got Light Katanas and follow the power
of the Sacred Force?
ACE: <Darth Samurai> NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE SEPPUKU.
-
Kiima: (sniffs) This must be one of those situations where the
student teaches the master...
-
NACHO: How to bathe? What was the sniff for?
-
Tofu: How are we going to get to the capital? The entire
Gardening Union army must be between us and them.
-
NACHO AND ACE: (look at each other) APHID BRIGADE!
-
Konatsu: The Force shall show us a way to them.
Tofu: Why didn't we just fly straight there?
Konatsu: (shakes her head severely)
-
NACHO: Jarring his brain loose in the process.
ACE: Jar-jarring.
-
Now how were we supposed to
do that? Ask the bioroids to kindly let us down at the capital?
-
SHEILA: <Bioroid> NO! NO CAPITAL FOR YOU!
ACE: Actually, given the intelligence level of the bioroid force, that
might work!
-
Really, Tofu-Wan, be reasonable.
(Tofu sweatdrops as Konatsu begins to walk off. At this point,
we might as well cut back to the bridge of the Kagome, where the
crew are staring at each other with deep intensity.)
-
NACHO: As opposed to the cutbacks to the budget for this fanfic.
-
Pilot: Got any fives?
Co-pilot: Go fish.
-
ACE: Ooh... snappy comeback!
NACHO: Bet he wishes he asked for that ace, now!
ACE: I would have.
-
(Anyway...back on the planet, our heros are busily walking
through the brush in a more or less random direction.
-
SHEILA: Ryoga must be in the lead.
-
Kiima
walks along behind them.)
Tofu: Excuse me, Kiima-san, but why are you following us?
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Let go of my chastity sword and I'll tell you.
JUNK: <Tofu> That's a sword? For a second, I thought you were really
happy to see me!
-
Kiima: (snorts) I'm not following you, I'm moving away from
-them-. (she jerks a clawed thumb over her shoulder)
-
NACHO: My wings. I'm sure I'll eventually be rid of them.
-
Tofu: So why aren't you flying?
Kiima: (gives him a withering look)
-
NACHO: <Tofu> (de-rezzes)
-
Maybe because it's hard to
fly among the trees and suicide to go above them with all those
fighters around?
-
ACE: Nah, that can't be it. She's just bored.
-
Konatsu: Well, where do you plan on going? There is nowhere on
this world where you can escape the Union.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> The labor boards are everywhere! The peasants are
revolting!
ACE: <Kiima> You're not so pleasant yourself.
-
Kiima: (smirk) Perhaps for you humans. We of the Phoenix have
other options.
-
NACHO: Stock options.
ACE: The bioroid index is skyrocketing this month.
-
Tofu: (turns to face her) You have a hiding place near here?
Can you tell us of it?
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Sure. It's hidden.
-
Kiima: No. (crosses her arms) It is forbidden.
-
ACE: Oh, the sacred graveyard of your ancestors!
-
Konatsu: The Force has guided me to you for a reason, Kiima-san,
and I believe this is your task. You must take us to your
people.
-
ACE: And to your leader.
-
Kiima: Unlikely, land-crawler.
Tofu: I see. Well, then, I suppose your people need no warning
of the invasion to come.
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> Well, now we've been warned. Now get lost!
ACE: <Ryoga> I already am!
-
Kiima: We are not interested in the petty battles between the
humans and their enemies.
-
NACHO: Not even if you're the enemy?
-
Tofu: (adjusts glasses) The Gardening Union is the enemy of your
people as well. They will not stop with the humans of Dojo, but
will seek to control every living thing on this planet.
-
ACE: The bacteria will rise up and devour you!
-
Konatsu: They're really very misguided that way.
-
NACHO: Right. We need to misguide them a different way.
-
Kiima: ... (growls) You know I can't risk that being true. (she
walks forward and jabs Tofu in the chest, hard, with one talon)
-
ACE: Doctor Tofu is now dead. The end.
SHEILA: Nah, it's only one talon. If she'd used two talons, he'd be in
trouble. One's just a flesh wound.
-
And that's why you asked why I wasn't flying. You plan on
following me to the Phoenix!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Nah, we don't need your help. It's in Arizona.
ACE: I don't understand their motivation here. He asks why she's not
flying, as if he wants her to fly, and then he couldn't follow her. So
why point out the possibility of flight?
SHEILA: If Kiima were meant to fly, she'd have been born with wings.
NACHO: She was.
SHEILA: Exactly. In that case, I have no idea.
-
(Tofu coughs, embarassed.)
-
SHEILA: You cough like a woman!
ACE: A tongue ring... how unmanly!
NACHO: <Nodoka> I'm glad you're not my son...
-
Konatsu(sternly): Tofu-Wan! You deceived her! That was very
un-Jedi of you.
-
NACHO: An un-Jedi Jedi... that's a new old one on me.
-
Tofu: (bows his head) I'm sorry, sensei.
Kiima: So, are you going to make him leave me alone?
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Yes, definitely! Tofu, I'm the only woman for you!
-
Konatsu: Oh no! That would put all his effort to waste, and we
couldn't have that. It wouldn't be positive encouragement of his
individuality.
-
NACHO: <Doctor Lipschitz> You must nurture the young Jedi's mind and
encourage individuality...
-
(Kiima gives her a flat look and then storms away in a huff.
-
NACHO: The huff deposits her unceremoniously at the Imperial Palace.
-
Tofu looks at Konatsu, who shrugs in a helpless manner, and the
two Jedi follow her. Shift scenes to the palace,
-
ACE: I'M not following the shift scenes at all.
NACHO: We're at the palace now. Kiima isn't.
SHEILA: And where are Pink and Link?
JUNK: In bed with me.
ACE: You wish!
JUNK: Yes, I do!
-
where the Queen
is staring out the window impassively as an army of bioroids
march through the gates of her city.
-
SHEILA: <Queen> You could have knocked! We'd have opened them!
-
Finally she turns with
sigh,
-
NACHO: Okay, sigh is turning. Everyone, together! TURN!
-
but finds no comfort in the stern faces of her advisors. A
moment later, Shinnosuke runs into the room.)
Shinnosuke: My queen, we must escape!
-
ACE: The scene shifted to us! If we get out of it now, we might not be
stuck here when the plot catches up!
-
Queen: And how do you propose we do that?
-
NACHO: Uh, I don't know... by leaving?
-
Shinnosuke: Simple! (he smiles and turns)
-
SHEILA: That always works. Smile and turn, turn and smile...
ACE: With sigh, of course. Must be properly synchronized.
-
I've trapped all the
ways to the throne room except one,
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> That one didn't take the cheese I put in the cage as
bait.
-
and we can use that... (he
begins down the hall, snaps a tripwire, and a statue promptly
falls on his head)
-
ACE: Hate to think what would have happened if he hadn't snapped the
tripwire.
NACHO: Say, if he'd tripped over it instead...
-
...to...to...must sleep now... (collapses)
-
NACHO: You say collapses, he says ellipses.
-
Queen: Indeed.
(Back in the forest, the trio comes upon the foothills of a
mountain that stretches high into the clouds overhead.
-
JUNK: I knew it! They're having a menage-a-trois!
-
Kiima
tosses a glare back at the two Jedi before beginning to ascend.)
-
NACHO: It hits them it the face and de-rezzes them.
-
Tofu: I suppose it makes sense that her people live on a
mountain.
-
SHEILA: Yes... all Phoenixes live on mountains. What rock have you been
under?
ACE: Not a Phoenix-infested mountain, certainly.
-
Konatsu: I don't think that's it...this whole place feels
strange.
Tofu: A trap?
-
ACE: Yep. Shinnosuke did his job well.
-
Konatsu: There you go again, always looking to the negative in
every situation.
-
SHEILA: Sometimes you have to look at the fully developed picture.
-
Tofu: My apologies, sensei.
(Suddenly Kiima stops and places her hand over a stone. There is
a loud rumble, and Konatsu raises an eyebrow as a large rock
slides away, revealing a passageway beyond.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> Ow! My eyebrow's caught! Put the rock back down, quick!
-
The bird woman darts
in, and sighs as Tofu and Konatsu calmly step inside just before
the door closes.)
Kiima: If you must come with me, then at least be sensible enough
not to be too nosy.
-
NACHO: Easy. They're not Escaflowne characters.
-
Konatsu: We would never think of it, Kiima-san.
-
NACHO: We just do it out of habit.
-
(She growls in response, and they walk down the corridor which
soon opens up...and up...and up, into a chamber of massive
proportions.
-
ACE: A very weighty three-fourths dominates the view.
-
The walls are made of ferrocrete molded to resemble
stone, and long perches extend out from holes which presumably
lead to dwellings or other smaller chambers.
-
JUNK: No! Those are...
ACE: Perfectly normal holes, right Nacho?
NACHO: That's right. Birdhouses are very distinctive.
SHEILA: Looks like what I used to make in Wood Shop.
ACE: But the feeder would have to be a lot bigger...
-
The ceiling is so
high that it cannot be seen,
-
NACHO: Then how do you know it's up there?
ACE: Not high up... it's toked! They can't see it through the haze of
pot smoke.
NACHO: Ah...
-
and the air is filled with thousands
of the winged Phoenix as they flit about their interior city.)
-
SHEILA: The exterior city doesn't get many visitors these days...
-
Tofu: Oh my, it's a city...
-
NACHO: It took you that much description to figure that out?
-
Konatsu: An artifical mountain... (nods) No wonder it was the
only mountain on that side of the continent.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> And here we thought Frieza had paid us a visit...
-
(Two figures float down; one dark skinned and feathered,
-
NACHO: That's not dark skin... it's tar!
ACE: They're not Phoenixes! They pissed off the wrong pirates.
SHEILA: <Ryoko> Get your grubby wings off of my Tenchi!
-
and the
other with much lighter plumage. They land on the perch before
the three newcomers, brandishing a short sword and bow,
respectively.)
-
ACE: They let the newcomers have weapons?
SHEILA: And why didn't they let their guests land on the perch first?
It's only fair.
-
Phoenix Guard#1: Halt!
-
NACHO: <Bioroid#1> You have stolen my name! You must die!
-
Phoenix Guard #2: Kiima? What are you doing with these...humans?
-
JUNK: It's called sex. You should give it a try sometime. You look like
you could use it.
-
Kiima: (sighs) They followed me... (looks up) I must speak with
Lord Saffron.
-
NACHO: They keep the cue cards on the invisible ceiling.
-
Phoenix Guard #2: Lord Saffron will not be pleased to hear of
this, Kiima.
-
ACE: <Kiima> I know. I want to gloat before him.
NACHO: <Kiima> Yes, he'll get his turn after mine.
-
Konatsu: We too must speak with your lord on a matter of great
import.
-
SHEILA: <Saffron> Excellent! We've had a slow economy this year. Great
imports will certainly help our GNP.
-
Phoenix Guard #1: Lord Saffron is -really- not going to like
this...
(It appears the two guards are very attuned to the moods of their
ruler, for the Lord Saffron is indeed less than pleased to see
them.
-
NACHO: <Saffron> I fired you dolts last week!
-
The Lord Saffron raises himself up to his full height-all
three feet of it-and adjusts his finely tailored raiment to best
accentuate the fact that he is 'displeased'.
-
ACE: He turns his hat so the "displeased" sign is facing out.
-
Unfortunately, when
it comes to kings that are only six years old, 'displeased' has a
tendancy to escalate into 'murderous' with mind-numbing rapidity.
-
NACHO: Tendancy? I get tired after only one dance!
ACE: Hence the murderous nature of poor little Saffee... His mind is
numb from all that dancing.
SHEILA: You'd think they'd do something about those murderous
six-year-olds after that Columbine incident...
-
Perhaps this explains why the three members of the Phoenix
kneeling before him are one step short of trembling, and even the
two Jedi look less than serene.)
-
ACE: Or it could be completely unrelated. You be the judge.
JUNK: I think it's because of where Kiima has her hands...
-
Saffron: Who -dares- bring these filthy humans before me?
-
NACHO: Who's filthy? Kiima's the one who was rolling around in the mud!
-
Konatsu: Well, I admit we haven't had a chance to wash, but you
can hardly blame...
Kiima: (stomps on his foot; hisses) Quiet!
-
NACHO: So now Konatsu's a he again?
JUNK: <Konatsu> My, Kiima... how forward of you. But hissing doesn't do
a thing for me.
-
Konatsu: How rude.
Saffron: (glares at the two guards) Koruma, Masara...are you two
screwups responsible for this?
-
ACE: No. They've just been de-rezzed.
-
Koruma: No, your majesty!
Masara: Not one bit, your majesty!
-
SHEILA: Actually, it was two bits!
-
Tofu: I'm afraid we are, your majesty. (steps forward)
-
ACE: Yes, you should be afraid. He's going to fry you now.
-
We are
Jedi, and we have forced your subject here to bring us to you.
(He indicates Kiima.
-
JUNK: <Kiima> Ooh, yeah, that's so good! I love the way you indicate me,
baby!
-
Saffron takes all this in with an imperious
glare,
-
NACHO: ... then leaves the glare inside and brings the rest back out.
-
then plops himself back down on his throne and fiddles
absently with a toy on one of the gargantuan arms.)
-
SHEILA: And while Saffron fiddles, Rome burns to the ground.
-
Saffron: So why shouldn't I have you killed?
Konatsu: This is all a huge misunderstanding, I assure you...
-
NACHO: <Saffron> I don't understand...
-
(walks forward and spreads her hands in a placating manner) We
only seek a way to assist the humans of Dojo in the upcoming
invasion.
-
ACE: We want to help them destroy you. Could you lend us some weapons?
-
Saffron: I don't care about the humans. They are arrogant fools
who treat us like savages merely because we do not fly beyond the
air.
-
ACE: Yeah, I can see how that would make you appear savage.
NACHO: I'm sure the humans fly beyond the air all the time.
SHEILA: How exactly does one fly "beyond the air" anyway?
NACHO: Is this the misunderstanding they were talking about before?
-
(looks up; smirks) Yet we are as advanced as they; perhaps
more so.
-
ACE: <Saffron> Our bioroids take TWO hand-waves to destroy!
-
Tofu: It is true that the people of Dojo have wronged you. But
we have not come to hide or insist you help us, but only to warn
you.
-
NACHO: And beg for help for the humans... did he already forget that
part?
-
And beg that you allow us on our way.
-
ACE: <Saffron> No! It's OUR way or the highway!
-
(There is a long silence, during which Koruma and Masara fidget
nervously. Finally, Saffron smiles slightly and leans back.)
-
NACHO: <Saffron> OW! Who's the wise guy who put a tack on my throne?
-
Saffron: I won't have you killed. You amuse me.
Konatsu: (smiles) As you can see, it was all a misunderstanding.
-
ACE: <Saffron> You're right. I wasn't actually amused - I only thought I
was! Kill them!
-
Saffron: And since I'm being generous, I'll even provide you with
passage to the human capital.
-
NACHO: And throw in a couple of free beers on the side.
-
Koruma, Masara, you two shall show
them to Ryugenzawa.
(Koruma and Masara pale.)
-
SHEILA: <Koruma and Masara> Not... RYUGENZAWA! NO! Anywhere but THERE!
-
Konatsu: (bows) You are most generous.
Saffron: And Kiima shall guide you.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> Damn! I was hoping my conscience would be my guide.
NACHO: Who needs Jiminy Cricket when you've got a pissed-off Phoenix?
-
Kiima: W-what!? Saffron-sama...
Saffron: You led the humans to us. For this, Kiima, I hereby
banish you.
-
NACHO: Nevermore may you come hereby.
-
Perhaps being forced to walk among the savages shall
teach you to be more careful in the future.
-
JUNK: Yeah! Watch where you step! They don't have indoor plumbing!
-
Kiima: But...but...
Saffron: (regally) I have spoken. (turns to a retainer) Prepare
my royal bubble bath.
-
JUNK: <Retainer> Yes, your majesty. Here are the royal beans.
-
Retainer: Yes, your majesty.
Konatsu: (pats Kiima on the back) Looks like the Force wants you
to remain with us.
-
NACHO: And the Force's name is Saffron.
-
(Kiima lowers her head and clenches her fist; veins bulge visibly
through her hair.
-
ACE: Must be handy for having her shots.
-
Meanwhile, far above the planet in the heart
of one of their Plant Control Ships, Pink and Link cackle
maniacally in perfect unison.
-
ACE: No, no, that's wrong! You cackle in dischord and grate everyone's
eardrums!
-
They stop suddenly as a voice
clears its throat behind them,
-
NACHO: Have you guys ever heard of a voice having a throat?
SHEILA: I have now.
-
and turn to see the evil, cloaked
dwarf behind them. Well, not literally, as it's just a
hologram.)
-
SHEILA: Yeah, you can't actually SEE a hologram.
ACE: They must have smelled it.
NACHO: A hologram of Happosai probably could be smelled before it's
seen.
SHEILA: We'd better go before Junk starts cracking jokes.
ACE: Yeah, that's enough for one sitting. Wish we had a decent scene
transition to go out on, but they're all in the middle of the stage
directions.
NACHO: Just ignore it. We'll pick it up again in the second part.
-
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: So, what have we got so far?
ACE: First off, there's Pink and Link with their master Happosai and
their legions of vegetative, post-warranty bioroids.
SHEILA: They fall victim to an attack by Tofu and Konatsu...
JUNK: ... who are secretly having an affair...
SHEILA: ... and who have the power to destroy anything with a wave of
their hands.
ACE: And really cool lightsabers!
NACHO: Which should really be lightkatanas, if they're Samurais...
SHEILA: They're trying to get to the Queen to warn her about the bioroid
invasion...
ACE: ... but she's too busy trying to prove that she's dumber than
Shinnosuke.
JUNK: And she de-rezzes everyone with her Mindless Gaze.
NACHO: No, we just made that up.
ACE: If anyone should be de-rezzed, it's Kiima. She really needs to
loosen up!
JUNK: I'll loosen her up! After they've done it once, they're more
willing a second time.
ACE: Better not. The Phoenix people would be mad at you. Except that
Saffron has exiled Kiima.
NACHO: And now she's forced to take Tofu and Konatsu to Ryugenzawa.
SHEILA: Poor girl...
JUNK: Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe there'll be some mud along the
way!
ACE: Meanwhile, the rest of the Phoenix people are ignoring their own
impending doom...
NACHO: I think they deserve it. They built that mountain without
securing a zoning permit. Now it's going to be destroyed. Justice in
action.
ACE: But destroyed by a race of Gardeners... it's just too humiliating!
JUNK: Not as humiliating as almost dying in a room filled with toxic
ship-fart gas!
NACHO: There is that... maybe they should all die and have done with.
SHEILA: Unfortunately, there's plenty left to this story. Somebody's got
to survive all of this.
NACHO: Well, I guess we'll find out next time, won't we?
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE is by BLADE and EPSILON
-
Old Man(incredulously): Solar flares? We have a bleeding
invasion force in orbit, and you think this is SOLAR FLARES!?
MOM: I'm getting rid of this TV before the mindless garbage rots your
brain!
JOHNNY: Mindless garbage not rot brain!
(SHAMPOO: Mindless Johnny not got brain to rot!)
"There's a billion places like home. But only one of them's where you
live." - Granny Weatherwax, "Witches Abroad" by Terry Pratchett
ED: My eyes are stuck! I can't open them!
EDDY: Open your eyes, Ed.
ED: (opens eyes) Thanks, Eddy.
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp