Hey, K'thardin!
Heh. I nearly missed this one, you know. Good thing I double-checked my
Inbox before deleting the old messages, or I might not have realised this
still needed replying to.
Eternal Heavens
Authors forward: I warned you all; I'm going to meander around a
lot. Trust me though, all lose ends will come together...though
I expect if they don't I'll be beat 'til I'm black and blue. Heh.
Well, if you have any loose ends hanging after you're done, just wait for
other people to point them out, and then claim you were going to tie them up
in the sequel! It usually works for me... ^_^
Now I'll beg for C&C (hey it works for Morgan Hudson, sorry dude,
just had to point that out. ^_-)!!! PLEASE OH PLEASE CORRECT ME!!!
^_^ I'm at kthardin@yahoo.com , so feel free! ^_^
Despite that snide little comment (or perhaps because of it), I shall still
respond to this fic, because it is very well written. Just try to keep in
mind that I'm hopped up on Cold & Flu medication, so most of this C&C could
be coming from the five Chibi-Troopers currently orbiting around my head.
And I'm not too sure how much sense they'll make. ^_^
Gathering of the Children
-Vengeance Come to Me
<Opening Theme: Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
<BGM: Involution - Dark Project>
Among the greatest mysteries of life is the one that
states: looks can and are almost always deceiving. Which should
This seems a bit incomplete as a sentence. Maybe you could try "... the one
which states that looks can be -and almost always are- decieving." That way
you get rid of the colon and, IMO, help the sentence flow a bit better. It
seems somewhat choppy as is.
lead one to wonder why we are given such a sense, if it quite
often feeds us such false information. That answer is actually
very simple.
It is not the site that is false, but our own perception of
it, that leads said site to be false. Take for example, The
Hall.
UH-OH! Typo problem here, pal: "site" -> "sight". A site is a place, like a
demolitions site, or a comnstruction site. The problem with typos like this
is that no spell checker known to Man can catch them, because they're still
valid words. Like the "to", "two", "too" problem.
The Hall, for such was the name given to the place by those
who had built it,
They're also known for their other works, "The Door", "The Roof", and "That
Big Castle Thingy". ^_^
stood silent; save for the rustling of cloaks,
I don't think you need the semi-colon there, friend. You can probably do
without it. What I mean is that semi-colons are usually used as strong
commas or as weak periods, and you really don't need either.
and shifting of clothing as those present fidgeted, shifted
positions, or even walked about on some errand or another. Not a
word was spoken aloud; barely any were whispered. Most simply
sat in the tiered seats of the hall.
You need to add a noun to that sentence, preferably one that lets us know
you're referring to people. The last thing you mentioned were words (being
spoken, barely any whispered, rememeber?). Then you said "most" (meaning
"MOST OF THE WORDS") sat in tiered seats. ^_~
Many of them glanced at
each other in barely disguised hatred.
Boy, those words don't seem to like each other much. I guess they're
probably ANGRY words... ~_~
Sorry, but until you mention somebody or something else by name, all of
these "Most", "Many", "Some" and so on will be referring to the words, not
the people speaking them. Just repeating a point.
Some others noting the
glances among their neighbors and making plans to take advantage
of the situation for whatever reason, be it for alliances, or for
any treachery that might be to their advantage. Still others
That sentence is a bit... off. I think you need a word and a few commas. You
see, "Some others, noting the glances among their neighbours, were making
plans..." would make a bit more sense, IMHO.
<SNIP!>
Though perhaps one would think
direct mind to mind communication would be by far the fastest and
most useful.
That's not a sentence. I'm sorry, but it just isn't. The reason it's not a
sentence is simple: "the fastest and most useful" WHAT? Means of
communication? Weapon? Way of baking a cake? You need to ound out that
sentence, and make it into a complete thought. At least, that's what my
English teachers keep telling me... I think. I honestly never pay them much
attention. ^_^
Possible misunderstandings - such as, I am going to
kill you in ways that will make your descendants feel it for the
next 12 generations -
Just a pet peeve of mine. If you gotta use numbers, could you please type
them out as words instead of using numerals? In this case, "twelve" instead
of "12". It looks and reads better, I've found. Numerals tend to stand out
more than they should.
would be avoided, as the meanings and
feelings would be made perfectly clear; and the lag time between
such messages would be absolutely zero. Certainly all in the
room were capable of simple telepathy and more besides, but not
one would dare power up even a whiff in a room filled with people
ready to kill each other.
Not a bad approach to politics, especially among a race (or races) as
advanced as this. I mean, when someone can be fried with a thought, it makes
sense that people would want to avoid any "misunderstandings"... or the
chance for an enemy to pretend he or she had just had one, if you get my
drift. >:)
Despite the look and feel of a more
organized, and less messy Wall Street stock exchange, this large
"more organized" implies "less messy". I think you can get by with just one
or the other.
group of people made the cutthroat economics of that particular
institution look like the play of only a few day old kittens.
I like that imagery. By the way, thanks a lot for the mental image of a
whole bunch of little kittens in three-piece suits. That one's going next to
the picture of Haruka in a toga on the fridge door of my mind.
There was enough hatred and instilled anger, much of which had
become genetic by this point, that were anyone to even think
about gathering even the minute amounts of energy necessary to
send even the shortest of transmissions that one would wind up
contracting himself a rather bad case of perished as weapons of
nearly every conceivable type were shoved through all his vital
organs in alpha-numeric order.
Hehehehe. I'm afraid your patient is dead, sir, of natural causes. We're
fairly certain the number of weapons rammed through his body during or near
the time of his death were just coincidences.
Needless to say, this is something most would choose to
avoid if they could.
Except, of course, the Lemming tribe of Cliftop IX, who for some odd reason
ran though the Hall chanting "You all suck! You all suck!" for no
discernable reason...
Even if that were not enough to cause the stupidest soul to
quake with fear at such a fate, a simple look to the north end of
the hall, where the tiered seating trailed off and a throne,
which took up the entire north end, was placed. Not so much the
throne itself, though it's
Tut-tut, good man. "Its", not "it's". Just keep telling yourself that "it's"
is short for "it is". ALWAYS. That's what I do, and I haven't been called on
that error since my last chapter.
Of course, I also haven't WRITTEN anything since my last chapter, but let's
not get into semantics, here... ^_^
beauty was awe-inspiring, as it was
fashioned from hyper dense, multicolored crystal that spread out
"multi-colored" crystal, according to my spell-checker. I'll assume the same
goes for "hyper-dense", too.
from the obsidian seat, perfectly situated on the floor right in
the center of the northern wall. The light from the suns, that
filtered through the skylight above reflected off the crystal in
ways that made their colors seem to shift and move all over it's
Again, "its", not "it's".
wide expanse, and doubly so when both suns were high in the sky.
Truly a site to behold for anyone, yet again this wonder was not
Er... we discussed this earlier... I think you mean "sight", not "site".
what caused the fear that would have cowed even the most insane
of spirits.
It was the man who sat upon that throne. The one who
occasionally glanced up from his own data pad and, in that
glance, looked at everyone in that room with eyes that literally
promised that one day he would kill everyone in that room with
his bare hands...slowly, that evoked the terror that kept those
in the hall from displaying even the least of their natural
abilities.
Wow, is that ever a long sentence. You might want to try breaking it down
into a few smaller sentences. Also, you seem to use the word "that" a lot.
Seven, by my count. Maybe a little bit of artful rewording? Start just by
describing the Emperor, then explain that he is the cause of all the terror.
For it was known also, that the man, who was named
Emperor (for who else would have the gal to sit on such a grand
I assume Tenchi. After all, Ayeka is the only "gal" who would let him sit on
that seat... ^_^
(clears throat) Unless, of course, you meant the "gall", as in "nerve", to
sit on the throne. Because, of course, Ayeka would probably kill anyone who
called her a "gal"...
seat?), had the power to do such a thing, and quite possibly all
those in the hall combined would not have the power to stop him.
Indeed, he was known to be the strongest of their race. The fact
that there had been others stronger before him, one of which was
his very own father who had killed the first Emperor in single
combat, was of no consequence now. All that was relevant was
that the man sitting on that throne was the one who was now the
most powerful of all...and more than enough to eliminate them in
any case.
Wait a minute... Incredibly powerful... Utter contempt...
Is this the planet Vegeta, by any chance? ^_^
<SNIP, AGAIN!>
"WILL THE EMPORER OF ALL TETRAN CONCENT TO RECEIVE THE
HEIR?"
Typo: "Emperor"
The man on the throne stood, it seemed he spoke barely
above a whisper, yet no one could deny that they heard the words
he spoke or the power that was carried with them when he said
"Let the Heir come forth."
And, wielding their swords, the Emperor's guard leapt into the crowd,
scalping every creature there and hurling their hair at the man's feet...
"Oh, sorry," they were heard to say as the enraged Emperor fed them to his
crocodiles, "we thought you said let the HAIR come forth..."
Sorry. I think all that Coke I've been drinking is beginning to brain my
damage. ^_^
<ONE MORE TIME, FOR LUCK!>
Honestly, if ever they decided it was time to remove the
current holder of The Throne, they would find all the support
they could ever hope to have within the families of The Eternal
Tetranian Empire. This despite the fact it would be suicide for
them to try.
Heh. It don't matter who has the biggest army. It matters who has the
biggest... er, gun. No, really. That was what I was going to say. I swear.
^_^
It was also easy to see, however, that as those in The Hall
looked upon the pair with a worshipful adoration, was the same as
how they looked upon The Emperor.
Their daughter however...
How was it possible that two, who were so perfect and so
perfectly matched, could produce...that?!
Hoo, boy. This ought to get interesting. (grabs large metal helmet and
ducks) If anybody needs me, I'll be under here.
She had inherited what seemed nothing of what either of her
parents should have provided her. She was rather thin and
underdeveloped, and quite a bit shorter than them both; which
caused the blue armor she wore to seem to hang off her pre-
pubescent frame. Her hair was an unhealthy looking shade of
platinum blond, which was rather stringy and unkempt, though if
you were her maids, they'd tell you how impossible it was to do
anything with her tresses. Worst of all her eyes, which were the
same blue on blue color as her parents, and seemingly the only
trait she had inherited from either, had a vacant look to them.
Perhaps even a bit of boredom, but whatever it was, it was
certain to those present she was hardly the genius she should
have been, considering who she had for parents.
Oookay... I'm guessing she's actually supremely powerful, in that
traditional anime way EVERYBODY who looks scrawny and useless is actually
the most lethal opponent one can imagine? And no, I ain't coming out from
under the helmet until I know exactly what it is she can do, and whether or
not she plans to do it in my direction.
<SNIPPETY-SNIP!>
The Emperor stood then, his table sinking into the floor;
he stood, and kept on standing. He stood until he was fully
erect, all seven feet of him. He was indeed very tall, but he
was also incredibly broad of shoulder; making him a veritable
Titan physically. Like the Heir, he too projected an aura that
demanded the respect due him, but unlike the Heir, it was not the
kind that instilled loyalty through love, but then that was more
than evident before.
Hey, I think I like this Emperor. He sounds like a real ass-kickin' badass,
to me.
How long before somebody whacks him? ^_^
Now, standing at full attention, the menace that he exuded
permeated the room; overpowering the respect those in the room
bore the Heir.
There was calculation, consideration, even curiosity, but
mostly fear. For he had failed. The HEIR had failed. It was
hardly conceivable, considering the Heir had never failed at any
task set before him, no matter how daunting. Still it was known
that the Emperor had little tolerance for failure, and usually
only one punishment was administered. This was the Heir though.
Surely there would only be a small penance for this, before he
was sent to correct this error...whatever it happened to be. It
was inconceivable that there would be anything else.
The Heir is as good as dead. I know guys like this Emperor. Half of the
characters I'm writing are like this Emperor. He's going to spend at LEAST
the next two weeks killing this guy.
Failure is never tolerated well by tyrants, and that's what this guy sounds
like to me.
"How long has it been? 700 years? 800?" The Emperor
asked casually. "I asked you to look into why our empire was
suffering what looked to be some sort of attack upon our
sovereign. Pirate raids, random destruction, and even whole
lesser families being destroyed every now and then. Yet you
report that there is no clue, there is no trace? No god we might
have offended? No revolutionary activity? No setup for a
possible coup attempt of any family? Not even a chain of natural
disasters? Nothing, but destruction for no rhyme or reason, and
I think you might want to move the comma from after "Nothing" to after
"destruction".
completely random." As the Emperor spoke, his voice became more
and more hoarse, his anger seeping through, and in doing so
agitating the wound he suffered to his throat long before he
became the Emperor. If one were to look closely, assuming they
dared to, one could still see the messy scar right along his
voice box.
Hmmm. I guess this means his voice is more of a gravelly hiss than a deep
rumble, eh? I mean, one of the main requirements for being an evil ruler is
a voice that strikes the fear of You into your populace. If he can't go for
the Darth Vader approach, I guess he'll have to settle for sounding like
Emperor Palpatine.
<SNIP THE STORY>
Although I like the way you let your readers guess as to which, if any of
the possible explanations for his wound are true. Of course, you will have
to tell us before you're done, or we'll be most upset.
While that story was not believed by most, it did amuse all
somewhat. For if true, it was quite obvious now, that little
message had the opposite effect. Then again, it would explain
why the current Emperor did what he did to the one he usurped
just after the old Emperor's defeat.
This ought to be fun, and support my theory as to the imminent doom of his
Heir.
The old Emperor screamed for forty days and nights before
he was finally allowed to die. During that time the current
Emperor and his father carted all the current heads of the
families and the various other associations in to watch the
entire gruesome ordeal.
Needless to say that assassination and coup attempts were
few and far between.
I know I already said it, but I like this Emperor. He reminds me of a lot of
the really vicious and cold-blooded anime villains I've always enjoyed.
Considering how little he's actually done, you've done a good job of
fleshing him out and giving a good view as to how he's likely to work.
Kudos as well, on your LACK of description. I think this is one of those
cases where it's better to let the readers imagine for themselves the kind
of horrible things that were done to the previous Emperor.
<SNIP, AGAIN!>
distilled water. "C'mon! This is really messing the empire up.
Not only is it inconveniencing us, it's making a fool of us. Of
all of us! Every man woman and child in the empire! Did you
lose your pride man? Are you not the Heir to all Tetran? Are
you not the one who will inherit everything when I can do no more
for our people?"
You know, some people might have a problem with the way the Emperor seems to
change his way of speaking here, as opposed to the way he was speaking
earlier, but I just see it as him being really pissed off and forgetting
where (and who) he is. After all, Vegeta and Frieza often had similar slips
of grammar, and they were supposed to be royalty, too...
"Please My Lord! Please! My husband has serv..." As
quickly as the Heir's wife tried to speak in her husband's
defense, so too was she silenced as the Emperor cast a baleful
glance in her direction. The daughter began to tremble ever so
slightly, as the enormity of the situation began to sink into her
young mind and fear began to take over.
"Have you nothing to say for...yourself?" The Heir's head
shot up, and for a brief moment anger flashed across his eyes at
the Emperor's somewhat obscure insult registered upon his mind.
Quickly dismissed as the Heir nearly broke down in tears
before his master and said with as much humility as he could
muster, "I beg of you My Emperor Ryuken. I only wish to serve
you. I beg for another chance. This will not happen again, I
swear to you on my soul."
"Indeed," the Emperor nodded his head grimly, "This will
not happen again."
Hehehehe. I believe that would be "Things you don't want to hear your
Emperor say to you" number 12. It's up there with "I forgive you", and
"Good-bye, old friend".
I had a feeling that the Heir was done for.
It happened so fast; that it seemed nothing had happened at
all. But the Emperor's movement was felt.
Both the Heir and his wife fell to their knees, and then
floor limply in unison, their armor making two distinct clanking
sounds as they dropped. Only when they hit the ground, did their
heads roll from their bodies; their faces still set in masks of
humility, and now set like that forevermore.
Cool effect. I didn't suspect that the wife would get hers too, but I guess
it makes a kind of sense from Ryuken's point of view. After all, she was
probably just as responsible for helping to find a solution to the problem,
and she had failed just as badly.
Plus, she mouthed off to him, and there's NUTHIN' evil emperors hate more
than that.
A shocked silence fell over The Hall, no one believing what
had just happened.
Surely..? How..? What...? Can't be...just...can't be.
No one spoke, but they did move; many to rise from their
seats, and even one to draw her weapons.
How could the Emperor possibly do...THAT!?
Emperor: Oh, it was quite simple, actually. Allow me to demonstrate...
The Emperor eyes noted the bright flash of a psi weapon
being activated, and with the barest flicker of his power,
destroyed it's source. Not to mention a few of the others that
happened to be too close to her.
Everyone sat back down quickly as his eyes roved over each
again, promising he'd do the same given even a fraction of an
excuse.
Or no excuse at all, whichever they gave him first. ^_^
"It is true this will not happen again," the Emperor Ryuken
stated as he continued to gaze at the congregation before him,
"but it is also true I now need a new Heir." Without hesitation
he pointed. "You. You will be my new Heir."
I'm taking a class on Roman History, and this is actually kind of like
something that happened back then. Emperor Claudius was more or less chosen
by the Praetorian Guard because he was the last living member of Caesar
Augustus' family (the guard having killed everyone else). Legend has it that
they found him hiding behind a curtain, trembling in fear because he was
sure that they'd kill him next. Much like the Heir's daughter, he was also
far from the greatest physical specimen.
And the former Heir's daughter, still unable to believe
that her parents were laying dead at her feet, their crimson
blood now pooling below her yet not gaining purchase upon her
armor, turned a shocked look to her sovereign. All color had
drained from her face, and her shaking causing a slight rattling
sound as the various bits of her armor tapped against each other.
"My first command to you is to complete what your father
was incapable of. If you should repeat his failure, this will be
your fate. Do you understand, my Heir?"
A shuddering nod was the only response she was able to
give.
So, we know this girl's going to be motivated. Seeing as how I imagine she's
going to be important to the story, have you considered revealing her name?
I really would like to be able to refer to her as someone other than "the
girl", and I'm sure you would, too.
"Good. Now leave, and when next I send for you, have the
answer with you. If you find it before then; make me aware of
this." To her credit, though how she did it was anyone's guess,
she managed to turn and walk calmly to the huge double doors that
were opened by their guardians for her, for once outside, she ran
for dear life.
The Emperor then instructed the guards to remove the bodies
and have the mess up on the seventh tier cleaned up, but all the
while he kept an open eye on the masses of the Leaders of the
Tetran before him.
A good Emperor, that. Always keeps his eye on the people, just to see who's
sharpening their sword and staring at him with blood in their eyes.
The daughter of the previous Heir was not someone that the
families would follow without question. She did not have any of
the genius or charismatic traits that were the trademark of her
parents. How could the Emperor make her, of all present, the new
Heir? How could the Emperor just KILL THE HEIR LIKE THAT?!
Emperor: It's really not that hard, I don't know why you're all having such
trouble grasping this. Okay, okay, if you insist, then I'll demonstrate, one
more time...
Besides, it's not like Largo even flinched after offing Anri, or like Frieza
so much as blinked after he killed Vegeta. Underlings are called that for a
reason, as far as people like that are considered. They aren't worth wasting
the energy to mourn or regret.
There's nothing I like better than a good villain, and this Ryuken guy is
shaping up to be a hell of one. Good work!
Amidst all the outrage, and anger and shame he saw
reflected in many faces, Ryuken also saw the beginnings of
calculation, of how best to make use of this new situation. He
saw alliances crumble, new ones form almost instantly. Old
hatreds began to flare up, while new ones were just forming.
Others were buried, and forgotten in light of what was done to
their Heroes.
Yes, Ryuken thought, as he took his place upon the
crystalline seat of power. Perfect. A truly satisfied smile
appeared on his face.
"Let the endgame begin," he said quietly.
All in all, this was a pretty good chapter. You made a few mistakes with
"sight"/"site" and "its"/"it's", but everyone makes typos like that
sometimes. Grammar wise, this was pretty good, with nothing really bad
enough to point out, other than the one or two places I already did so.
Ryuken is shaping up to be a good villain, and I'm glad you spent this whole
chapter filling us in on part of what makes him tick, and the world he lives
in. A lot of stories seem to gloss over their villains, when it's the
villains that actually make the story work. After all, the bad guys are the
only ones who actually DO anything: the heroes just react to what they're
doing. Still, I hope you get back to Kiyone soon: I really like her, and she
so rarely gets any attention in Tenchi fics.
As always, good work, good sir, and I wish you the best of luck on your next
chapter.
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson.
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