--- John-Martin <johnl@tomatoweb.com> wrote:
Well, since I'm doing my level best to re-start the whole Revenge fic
thing, I guess I should do some C&C, huh?
Here we go! Remember, all C&C is IMHO only.
Next
a revenge fic thingee
by
john-Martin Lotz
You should probably put the title in quotation marks. And separate it
from the fic itself.
Heard waiting in line
You need punctuation here. Might I suggest the house special, a
colon?
Call me Ishmael.
It�s not my name, but you can call me Ishmael anyway.
Actually, to my friends and those of my rank, I�m Jake. To
my superiors, I�m �Hey you.� And to my subordinates, I�m God.
Sure is a big crowd today.
Double space after "crowd."
I've been a spear carrier, for Achilles, I rode with Jesse
James. I�ve done the 47 Ronin entirely too many times to tell.
Hell, I was even a red shirt on the Enterprise but I really
needed the money..
Take out the comma after "carrier."
Put in a comma after "Enterprise."
Take out the second period after "money."
Son, when I started out, I was in the great ones.. Bards,
and Skalds, spoke and I was there. Then came books, then the
movies, then the mimeograph machine then TV then the internet,
then the fanfic..
Okay, if you're going for ellipses, it's three periods, not two.
(After "ones" and "fanfic.")
You need to take out the comma after "Skalds." What's a 'Skald'
anyways?
You need to put in commas after "machine" and "TV."
I�d love to have them see what it�s like.
Err, they did what?!?!?!
Poor sucker, seems that Yohko needs a new boy friend. At least
A-ko hasn�t
found Akane�s Mother�s cookbook.. Nasty.
Extra space after "Akane's." Extra period after "cookbook." (Unless
that's an ellipses. Then you need another period.)
What, he�s next. Oh, one of them. He, he. Good luck kid. It
could be
worse � I guess!!!!!
"What, he's next?"
"Hee, hee."
"Good luck, kid."
And you need to fix whatever it is between "worse" and "I." Looks
like a ellipses. That's most likely caused by format problems.
Remember to save as a text document.
You could have ended up engaged to Akane. And remember, tell �em ,
you don�t like tentacles.
Take out the comma after "'em."
All I've got to do is pay Nabiki off.
You switch perspectives here. You need to make that apparent. Put in
some kind of a scene break, otherwise it's very confusing.
As he chortled, someone spilled a bottle of juice and, the last
part
was written on signboards.
"...juice, and the..."
jml
johnl@tomatoweb.com
Overall, pretty good. Most of the errors are punctuation. And just
about everybody has problems with those. Keep working and you'll get
better!
Ja Ne!
Slacker
=====
"Remember, a fair fight only happens
because of poor planning on your part."
---Sailor Nemesis
I am...(Drumroll, please)...Slacker!
KSC, Knight of Discordia, Lord of Discord
Member of the Church of Ami & Makoto
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