<begin prog>
Mercutio: Greetings all. Mercutio here, welcoming you all to another episode
of
the inappropriatly-named-but-we-can't-change-it-now LST1/2K. You may remember
us from our long and semi-acclaimed run of MSTing 'Children of an Elder God.'
We've been on hiatus for awhile, but now we're back. Joining me as always is
Hikaru Gosunkugi...
Hikaru: Yo.
Mercutio: ...because even though Ranma as a genre is dead, it hasn't stopped
kicking yet, so we still need a cast member.
Hikaru: Hey!
Mercutio: Quiet, bitch. Also, we've brought aboard an Utena-specific
female character, both to continue the tradition of our third MSTer being
from the series we're working in, and because we needed a chick to MST other
chicks.
Hikaru: Unfortunatly, most of the main female cast are still serving out
their
previous MSTing contracts over at the Satellite of Revolution. We attempted
to contact Shinohara Wakaba and Takatsuki Shiori, but they had already
signed with Alan Harnum to do 'Jaquemart: The Movie.' Ohtori Kanae was in
the third trimester of her pregnancy at the time of filming. However, we WERE
fortunate enough to contact one of the small but pivotal female supporting
characters, Sonoda Keiko.
<Keiko appears>
Keiko: Hello, everybody. Happy to be here. <beams>
Mercutio: Anyhow, enough of the long preamble that isn't really funny to
anybody
but the guy writing it anyway.
Ladies and Gentlemen..... we are proud to present.....
The Triumphant return......
-Lunatic Science Theatre 500-
LST1/2K.
Hikaru: So, today we're doing....?
Mercutio: Shoujo Kakumei Utena R. Well, part of it, anyway.
A C. Richard Davies fic.
Hikaru: What? Davies? We couldn't get Jaquemart? Or Scenes
>From an Elevator?
Mercutio: Do _you_ want to be here all year?
Keiko: Shhh, it's starting.
<Begin LST1/2K>
Once upon a time there was a girl. She was not a princess; one could
only be a princess if one's parents were a king and a queen,
Mercutio: Or if you married into the line, or bought yourself the title with
a large amount of money, or conquered a small country and named yourself
it's ruler.....
and the girl had no parents. She had never had parents, only the caring
directors of the orphanage where she lived. And she was happy there,
for the most part.
Hikaru: Except for the time the headmistress cornered her in the bath with
a loufa. Or the Oliver Twist-esque work regime. But beyond that, life was
good.
Yet in her secret heart, she longed for parents, for quietly unspoken
in everything that she saw or heard was the sense that without
family, one was nothing. And so, at one point, she wept with longing
for her parents.
As she wept, a traveller came to her, mounted on a pale horse. He was
neither a prince nor a king, she knew, for he wore no crown. Yet when
he came to her, he gathered her up into his dark-robed arms, and she
felt peace enshroud her.
Keiko: And then she died. The End.
Mercutio: Dwah?
CHILD, THAT YOU WERE MY OWN, he said to her in a hollow, booming,
gentle voice. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW, STRONGER THAN > YOU
WILL EVER DREAM. NEVER LOSE THAT STRENGTH, FOR ONE DAY > YOU WILL
DEARLY NEED IT -- A DAY WHEN ONE WILL LOOK IN YOUR > EYES, AND SEE
ME COMING. IN PREPARATION FOR THAT DAY, I GIVE > YOU THIS. From within
the folds of his robes, he drew a sword, and placed it into > her hands.
Keiko: Is it thin and blue, and can cut through anything?
Hikaru: Huh?
Mercutio: Like this ISN'T Terry Pratchett's Death(tm)...... I mean, pale
horse, talks in caps, robe....
"Will we ever meet again?" she asked.
ONCE ONLY. I WILL COME TO YOU TO TAKE YOU TO A PLACE WHERE NO > SHADOWS
FALL.
Hikaru: Well, that's encouraging. Not.
UNTIL THAT TIME, FARE THEE WELL. And he was gone as though he had never >
been.
Keiko: Which he hadn't. It was all a hallucination brought on by a late-night
snack of bad poutine.
Remembering his words, though perhaps wondering if the meeting had
been a dream, the girl practiced with the sword day after day as she
grew up.
Mercutio: Because, of course, the responsible caretakers of the orphanage
saw nothing wrong with letting a small child use a sharp and dangerous
sword.
Keiko: "You'll put your eye out!"
And one bright day, she journeyed to the east, to a bright
city of gleaming silver crystal, to the greatest academy in the
world, to become what she had always meant to become.
Mercutio: An Olympic Gold Medal-winning Lesbian Luge Pilot!
Keiko: Huh?
Hikaru: Watch the end of the movie.
But was that really such a good idea?
Perhaps. But then, perhaps not. But it was the idea of the girl named
Calyx Empyria, and this is her story.
Mercutio: Ahem. 'Calyx Empyria?'
Hikaru: <snicker>
Keiko: Wow. How amazingly pretentious.
1:
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
Hikaru: I somehow expect a musical number to start.
Without military precision as such, but just orderly enough to signal
to all ahead that one came who was in command of herself, the
footsteps against the tiled floor echoed through the great hall.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
Mercutio: God, I hope not. You haven't seen the horror from beyond time that
is Utena: The Musical.
Keiko: Laugh it up. I had to be IN that.
Even those among the students milling through the hallway who had
seen her entrance already, on the four days of classes before this,
turned to watch her again.
Mercutio: I'm inclined to believe that's less the 'tap'ing and more the fact
that a hottie showing a lot of leg is coming.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap --
And then she stopped before an obstruction to her pathway.
Keiko(Calyx): "Dammit, I told you girls to from the queue BEHIND the
school! Behind!"
Hikaru(horde of girls): "Waaaahhhh! We're sorry, Calyx-sempai!"
She still didn't know the name of this particular teacher -- or
possibly administrator, since she'd yet to see the woman in front of
any of the classes. Although they'd met four times before this, the
older woman hadn't volunteered her name, and Calyx wasn't about to
ask. Instead, they usually just stared at each other for a few
moments. Then, the teacher would speak.
"Ms. Empyria," the teacher spoke at that very moment. "Don't you find
that boy's uniform a bit cold in this weather?"
Keiko(Lamer): "Look, I can see your nipples! Shame on you!"
"First of all, it's not a boy's uniform," Calyx explained patiently.
"It's *my* uniform. And since autumn here in Japan is much warmer
than it would be in Averoigne, I'm not at all bothered by the
weather."
The older woman stared at her for a few moments before finally biting
out a reply. "Fine. Good day to you." She stepped out of Calyx's way
and headed down the corridor the way that the girl had come.
Keiko(Calyx): *In your face, bizatch!*
Resuming her march, Calyx felt herself smiling a bit at the teacher's
plight. She did understand her distress, after all. While the Academy
regulations *suggested* that students wear the official uniform for
their sexes, and *encouraged* the faculty to *encourage* that mode of
dress, those very regulations also prohibited any coercion in the
matter of clothing.
Mercutio: Another fine example of the Crystal Tokyo non-regulatory regulatory
system.
Clearly, this teacher was accustomed to getting
her way when it came to students, and dealing with someone who
refused to knuckle under was gravely troubling.
Keiko(Lamer): *You will be mine, Empyria.... oh yes, you will be mine....*
However, Ms. Andressen had once told her, to understand all is not to
love all. More likely, it is to hate completely. While Calyx
understood the source of the teacher's frustration, she had little or
any sympathy with it, and felt no urge to alleviate it by, say,
exchanging *her* uniform for a traditional Academy Girl's Uniform
(TM), or even more conventional girl's clothes.
She liked the statement that she made with her boy's jacket and hot
pants; that she asked to be treated neither as a woman nor as a man,
but only as herself -- a unique being, unlike any other who had ever
lived or ever would.
Mercutio: Except, of course, y'know, for Tenjou Utena.
2:
She arrived at her locker with time to spare before her first class
began, and began to quickly set her books for later in the day within
it.
Suddenly, she turned to look to her left.
Hikaru: Displaying an amazing amount of both foresight and cynicism.
Standing there was a young man -- perhaps two years younger than
Calyx's eighteen -- who had clearly bought into the "new bishounen"
fashion style that had become all the rage in Crystal Tokyo lately.
He was chewing his lower lip with trepidation, and his hands were
hidden behind his back.
"Ummm ... Ms. Empyria?"
Keiko(Calyx): "For the last time, NO, I'm NOT interested in the homecoming
committee! Now leave me alone, you freaks!"
She held up a hand to forestall further words from him. "Now, I'm
just guessing here, but would you be holding a love letter for me
behind your back?"
Mercutio(Boy): "Actually, it's a Glock 9 millimeter. <ka-klick> The subtle
approach just wasn't working."
He flushed to his neck, and nodded rapidly.
"Right. Now, this is the fifth day of the new term, and I've already
played this scene four times -- including the explanation that I'm a
LESBIAN, for the love of Goddess,
Keiko(Calyx): "I mean, geez, man, I'm the female lead in a Davies fic!
Didn't any of you read the memo?"
which you'd think would spread
through the grapevine considering that I've usually yelled it at the
top of my bloody lungs -- and if I have to go much further into it a
fifth time, I'm going to post that thing on a bulletin board for the
general amusement of the academy. Comprenez-vous?" she snapped in her
mother tongue.
The poor boy's flush had frozen into a pallor at the idea of anyone
other than the intended recepient seeing his florid declaration of
affection, and he nodded still more rapidly as he backed away and
turned to flee in panic.
Mercutio: Well. I suppose now he has no choice but to revolutionize
the world.
"Boys," she sneered.
"We aren't *all* bad," replied a voice from behind her.
She turned, somewhat startled that someone had managed to sneak up on
her, then relaxed as she realized who it was.
Saotome Hima
Mercutio: NOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Hikaru: I'd ALMOST forgotten this was a huge crossover......
stood a bit taller than she did, with firey red hair and
a frame whose muscles stretched the fabric of the blue-green Academy
Boys' Uniform (TM). But she knew first hand just how fast he could
move, and how quietly.
In Calyx's opinion, he made a much better best friend than he had a
boyfriend during their brief relationship, but she'd never tell him
that. His ego had been crushed too many times already.
Keiko: Aren't Saotome males supposed to have the magic uncrushable
egos?
"So aside from the obvious, how's it going?" Hima asked.
"Somewhat less than stellar," she replied, examinging her Astronomy
text. "Shari basically used our date last night to let me know that
she wanted to see other people."
Mercutio(Hima): "But you got sex first, right?"
Kaiko(Calyx): "Oh, hell yes."
He grimaced. "Too bad." A few seconds passed. "By other people, you
don't mean --"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, she wants to date guys," Calyx answered
disgustedly. "Go ahead and gloat."
Mercutio(Hima): "Why should I gloat? Just because I drive them to
lesbianism, and you send them right back....."
"I never gloat," Hima replied, quietly gloating. "I sympathize, no
matter how many times I've been dumped by a girl who decided or
finally realized she preferred girls. Including yourself. I
sympathize. Really."
Hikaru: Secretly, he wishes they were all dead.
"Jerk. Come on, we're gonna be late for your cousin's class."
"She's my aunt, Calyx, she's just married to my cousin."
Keiko(Calyx): "Oh, so it's that kind of family, eh? Kinky."
3:
Calyx let Hima take the lead as they ran through the twisting corridors
and
spiralling staircases. While she was fairly sure that she wouldn't lose
her
way -- she rarely did -- he knew the landscape better, having attended the
Academy last year as well. If there was a short-cut that could get them to
their classroom on time, Hima would know it.
Besides, he could run faster than she could.
Hikaru: As they both learned after the incident with the textile dissolver.
Their route led them down into a hallway lined with pillars against a
bricked wall, but only on the right-hand side; the wall on their left was
smooth and unadorned. Ahead, the right wall fell away to reveal what
seemed
to be natural sunlight coming in through --
And then Calyx stopped dead in her tracks as she smelled it.
Keiko(Calyx): "Is it time for another book-burning ALREADY?"
Slowly she turned to her right, looking into the courtyard which lay in
that
direction. It was, as she'd noted, open to the sky, and the light of
midmorning reached down to paint everything within the opened space in
bright colours.
Except, of course, for the blackness that lined the sides of the huge cage
at its center.
Hikaru: Ominous thunder goes HERE.
It took her a moment to realize that the blackness and the horrible smell
were linked, and another moment to realize that it was not a cage, as
she'd
thought, but some sort of greenhouse. But whoever was responsible for
taking
care of the plants within had been lax in their duties ... for quite some
time now.
Keiko(Calyx): "Dammit. Now I'll have to find Anthy and bitchslap her again.
Baby, why you always gotta make me hit you?"
In the moments when she realized all this, she slowly, steadily walked
towards the birdcage-shaped greenhouse. As she came closer, she saw that
the
decay wasn't limited to the plants inside. The metal parts of its
structure
were rusted, while many of the glass windows had been completely obscured
by
dust, or other impurities.
Hikaru: Hey, isn't ugliness illegal in Crystal Tokyo?
Keiko: You need a permit, or a Villains Lisence.
But the handle of the door and the lock above it seemed intact, and from a
distance, Calyx watched her hand reach out to grasp that handle.
"Calyx! Come on, you're the one who didn't want to be late!"
Hima's voice jolted her out of whatever fugue had afflicted her, and she
turned to look back at him. He stood just outside the courtyard, looking
at
her with mingled anxiety and confusion.
That blended into disgust and surprise as he apparently noticed the smell
himself. "Ye cats!" Hima didn't-quite-yelp. "They still haven't cleaned
this
thing up yet?"
Mercutio(Hima): "Looks like they aren't beating the janitors vigourously
enough."
"You knew about this?" she asked. Now what brought that on?
He nodded. "Sheila saw it when she gave her first lecture here, a few
years
ago. She told me about it when I mentioned that I'd be coming here ...
never
actually thought I'd see it myself. What a stench! How can anyone stand
it?"
Mercutio: It's where the Crystal Tokyo potheads come to hide their hemp.
Keiko: Does Crystal Tokyo HAVE potheads?
Hikaru: Probably not. They probably all got into 12-step programs and now
cheerfully hand out 'Just Say No' pamphlets while growing hemp for
legitimate purposes.
She looked up at the sides of the courtyard, and saw that all the windows
on
its walls were boarded over. "I don't think anyone comes here very often,"
she said quietly. "What do you think it is?"
"A bad place to be, even if we weren't running late."
"Seriously."
"I dunno, Calyx ... I guess it's a memorial of some kind. I dunno to what,
though --"
Mercutio(Hima): "I heard it was some sort of symbolic metaphor for a series
of existential duels fought a millenia ago by a shadowy group of people
battling
for a power they didn't comprehend, which ended badly for most of the
people involved. <beat> Either that or they just skimped on the landscaping
budget. I don't know."
The sound of a slap richoteted through the courtyard like a sniper bullet
glancing off stone, and her head jerked around to its apparent source.
Hima
blinked at her sudden motion.
Hikaru(Hima): "That's it, i'm ordering the coffee bar to cut you off after
the third
double espresso from now on."
"Did you --" she almost asked, then stopped as the fact that he hadn't
heard
anything showed clearly on his face.
Mercutio(Hima): *Damn inaccurate snipers! I told them not to take the shot
until
AFTER I signaled!*
"Are you all right?" he asked, starting to sound concerned.
Keiko(Calyx): "I'll be fine. I just need to get back on the Percidan."
A moment passed, and she quietly replied, "Fine" as she forced herself to
run out of the corridor and into the hallway.
She couldn't understand why Hima was having a hard time keeping up with
her;
after all, it wasn't like she was running full-out, in a blind panic that
something terrible had been lying in wait for her within the cage, and
that
she'd just had a narrow escape.
Mercutio: Heh. Dios 1, Akio 0.
Not at all.
TBC
4:
"I said I don't want to talk about it, and I meant I don't want to talk
about it."
Keiko(Calyx): "Now shut up, or I won't let you watch me and the other
lesbians do jumping jacks in the hot sun later."
"But it's not like you to just go dashing out of somewhere like that,"
Hima
continued as they ran through the hallway.
"I'm feeling peculiarly athletic," Calyx snapped. "Want me to demonstrate
by
kicking your head in?"
Mercutio(Hima): "I'm confused. I thought you said we WEREN'T romantically
involved anymore?"
Fortunately (or perhaps not), they reached the classroom at that point,
which caused a break-off in their conversation. They each began to compose
a
polite apology to the instructor, while Hima slid open the door.
The classroom was empty.
Calyx broke the silence first. "We're not *that* late, are we?"
Hikaru(Hima): "Maybe we walked through another crosstime portal."
"No," came the voice from behind them. "But Professor Mizuno was."
After he came down from the ceiling, Hima turned to regard the source of
the
voice. "Whaddayamean, Professor Mizuno was late?"
Mercutio: I thought Mizuno's were genetically incapable of being late.
Hikaru: You haven't read SMZ, have you?
Vic Stengovitch had repeatedly and emphatically denied to anyone who asked
(and several people who hadn't) that he wanted to be a ninja, claiming
that
the black jumpsuits that he wore constantly were merely reminders of his
wonderful childhood. Most people generally took this to mean that he was
cultivating the "ninja do not exist" attitude of the true ninja.
Mercutio: There are actually only three true ninja's in the world. They have
an
apartment in Wisconsin, and work at a cheese factory when not busting heads.
Hikaru: You've been in the sugar again, haven't you?
Mercutio: Be quiet! You're all against me! Get out of my teeth!
Actually,
most people thought he was a nut. Calyx hadn't yet formed an opinion in
the
five days they'd been in class together, but stunts like this helped her
understand why someone else might think him insane.
"She never showed up," Vic answered Hima's question. "The whole class
waited
for ten minutes, per regulations, and when she didn't show up, we declared
a
mutiny and left."
Mercutio(Vic): "We're going to march on the palace, stage a coup, and have
the Queen killed in a tiny dungeon cell this afternoon. Here, you can help;
grab a tire iron and meet me out back."
"Waste of a good panic," Calyx muttered.
Hima's brow furrowed. "That doesn't make any sense. I mean, Aunt Athena is
flighty as hell, but she's not deliberately irresponsible enough to just
forget that she's got a class to teach."
Keiko(Calyx):"What about the time she forgot to pick you up from soccer
practice, and left you standing in the rain for four hours, wondering where
she
was, thus scarring you emotionally for the entirety of your childhood?"
Mercutio(Hima): "i thought we agreed never to speak of that again."
Vic shrugged, almost imperceptibly. "She's your aunt. I wouldn't know."
"There wasn't any message on the blackboard, no sprite or anything?"
"Not a one." He checked his watch. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but
my
Demolitions project could probably use a bit more effort if I want to get
it
done in time for the deadline, in half-an-hour."
Keiko(Calyx): "I thought you weren't allowed to destroy the universe anymore."
Mercutio(Vic): <mutters> "Damn Senshi... think they're so big..... mumble
mumble, big chunk of cinderblock, fix them good......"
So -- hey, is that a UFO?"
Keiko(Calyx): "Yeah, the Black Moon Clan is invading again. We saw it on
the news."
Mercutio(Hima): "Yeah, Vic. Geez, where've you been?"
Neither of them turned to look at the alleged UFO.
"Assholes," Vic muttered, and turned to walk away.
"So now what?" Hima muttered.
Keiko(Calyx): "I dunno. Wanna fight to the death?"
Mercutio(Hima): "Sure. Your place or mine?"
"Well, speaking for myself," Calyx replied, the faint beginnings of a grin
on her face, "I'm going to go look up Nataku-sensei and see if he'd mind
sparring with me for a while, before I have to go earn my scholarship with
the team."
Keiko(Calyx): "I get put back on academic probation if I don't kick a certain
amount of ass each semester."
Hima didn't return her smile. "Well, I hope you have a good time. I'm
gonna
find Sheila -- she probably knows what's up with Aunt Athena." He paused
to
consider his own words. "She damn well *should* ..."
"It's probably just something that came up really suddenly," she said in a
soothing tone. "Maybe something's up at the Palace. Maybe she's got
visitors
from her own world --"
Keiko(Calyx): "Maybe she's dead in a gutter somewhere, clutching an empty
bottle
of whisky."
"Maybe a lot of maybes," he said. "See you later."
Calyx felt torn as he walked off. On the one hand, she wanted to help Hima
out if she could; on the other, it'd been too long since she'd had some
serious sword practice. And Hima was a martial artist. He should
understand
that.
She consoled herself, as she turned to head back the way that she'd come,
by
telling herself that he did, and that it was just worry about his aunt
that
made him surly.
Very consciously, she avoided going by the courtyard as she headed for
Nataku-sensei's office.
TBC
Keiko: There'll be more, right?
Hikaru: Probably. Davies has been somewhat inconsistent in the past year,
abandoning two major projects.
Mercutio: MMmm. Analysis?
Hikaru: Well, like everything Davies has ever written, it's very
well-constructed.
He's to good a writer to hand us anything poorly-done. The interesting way
he's been posting it, in tiny little bite-sized chunks-- I understand it
appeared
on the HAML before it came here-- is somehwhat novel; I've only ever seen
such a method employed effectively once before, in the Eva-fic "Pages."
Keiko: I liked the characterization; Calyx is enough like Utena for very clear
parralells to be drawn between the two of them, but enough unlike her so that
she's not a cardboard cutout. The way they blatantly shoved her sexual
orientation in our face was rather off-putting, but it was also Classic
Davies,
so I suppose we can't really complain. Those of the supporting cast we've
seen so far seem to indicate that Davies won't be directly mapping the entire
Utena cast onto a bunch of new people, though a few pastiches, like the
guidance counselor, are both inevitable and to be welcomed.
Mercutio: <nods> One wonders if Davies' supporting cast will be as flawed
as the canonical one. We've yet to see any real antagonists show up yet;
I quite frankly am looking forward to their inevitable appearence with mixed
feelings.
Keiko: Oh? Why's that?
Mercutio: Antagonists are Davies' big weak spot. He doesn't write balanced
villains very well at all, and lets his personal feelings of antipathy towards
characters (witness the way Gendo was written in SnK) skew the way they
get portrayed. Should Akio show up in SKU:R, I fear he'll be portrayed as
thoroughly and rather boringly evil, without the depths he has in such fanfics
as "Jaquemart" or "Bois de Merveilles."
Hikaru: <cutting in> This is set in his "Together Again" universe though,
right?
Won't that change a few things?
Mercutio: Possibly. The chronology Davies provides for his TA universe gives
some rather interesting Silver Millenium origins for Anthy and Dios/Akio.
It'll
be neat to see how that plays out. additinally, this neo-Ohtori seems to be
located right in the heart of Crystal Tokyo; that has my interest piqued. I'm
especially interested to know how something like the Garden o' Evil we saw
could even EXIST in the heart of Queen Serenity's realm.
Hikaru: I suppose it will all depend on how much the TA universe intrudes upon
the fic. Crossovers can involve tricky cosmology explanations that way.
Mercutio: Mmmm.
Keiko: <interjecting> I would like to point out a small factual note; in
Japan, the
school year begins in the SPRING, not in the fall. This is how Utena was able
to get away with wearing her hot-pants-and-jacket ensemble throughout the
entire series, rather than having to put on some slacks or something.
Hikaru: Duly noted.
Mercutio: That all?
Keiko: Errr, I guess. I know i'm new here, but don't you guys usually have
some
sort of clever segue to end out the review?
Mercutio: Not today. I'm tired. Let's go get some falafels.
<fade out>
<End LST1/2K>
-Reviewers Notes-
Assuming anybody is actually still reading, i'll be quick.
Yes, I'm doing MST's again. No, I'll not be filling in the bits of CoaEG I
missed,
although I will be around for the next few ending parts of it. I fully intend
to
continue MSTing SKU:R. The way Davies is releasing it makes that very, very
easy.
.... and that's all. I'm going back to bed.
-Mercutio
"A plague 'a both your houses!"