Hello June,
Mostly random comments though I think I did notice a few misplaced
commas.
Two men lay on the roof of the Tendo home, barely discernible in the
darkness. One of them peered through a pair of binoculars, which were
trained on one of the dojo windows.
Does the dojo even have windows? I haven't looked at a manga in a while
but I only remember the door...
"They're still kissing, Tendo! Oh happy day!"
When does this take place? Possibly an alternative take on when Ranma
and Akane almost kissed after the Mikado incident?
"Let me see, Saotome!"
"Just a moment, I think my boy is showing some initiative! Yes, Ranma, yes!
Oh Tendo, you should see where he has his hands!"
"They're about to be wrapped around your throat!" screamed the scheming
Saotome's scion.
Soun Tendo grabbed the binoculars from his friend and looked for himself.
Within seconds he was in tears. "Oh, my little girl is becoming a woman!"
I think this begs the question, which daughter?
Kasumi emerged from the kitchen, and cleared her throat. "I think we need
to talk about this quietly, don't you?" She sat down and began pouring tea.
Within a few minutes everyone had calmed down and were able to discuss the
new development in Ranma and Akane's relationship with something approaching
reasonableness. Eventually, their fathers agreed not to rush them, Ranma
and Akane agreed to forgive them for spying, and Nabiki was persuaded to
give the roll of film to Kasumi.
Who sold it to Kuno to pay for the rent.
*****
The atmosphere at the house remained quiet for only an hour. Akane was
doing her homework when something came crashing through her bedroom window.
The "something" was a bonbori, followed by its owner, Shampoo. Akane
hurriedly vacated her chair while Ranma, who had been lying on her bedroom
floor doing his homework, jumped up and got between the two girls.
Ranma doing homework? OOC! OOC! ;>
"Wait a minute? How did you--" Ranma stopped short as he realized that
he'd given himself away.
"Mousse tell Shampoo! Stupid duck see in window, and tell Shampoo Ranma no
hers!"
And you believed the blind man?
The bedroom door flew open, and Kasumi ran in. "Shampoo! How nice to see
you! Please, come downstairs and I'll make you a snack."
Don't need the comma after open, I think.
Shampoo just stared. Kasumi had managed to get between her and Ranma, and
now there were two people in her way. She would not have hesitated to hit
Ranma, but Kasumi was another story. Before she could object, Kasumi had
led her out of the room and downstairs. Ranma and Akane followed, and
watched from a distance as Kasumi and Shampoo shared a pot of tea. Kasumi
Not sure you need the comma after 'Akane followed' either.
Akane looked at her suspiciously. "You say that now. What about tomorrow?"
suspiciously, "You say -?-
Akane smiled at her fiance. "My sister is wonderful, isn't she?"
"I'm not too sure, Akane. We've gotta talk."
Kasumi is the succubus she turned into in "Moonlight's Gift" and has
been sucking the fiancee's aura to make them compliant?
Akane glared at Ranma and stomped past him into the house, where she sat
down and poured herself a cup of tea. Ranma joined her, but when Kasumi
poured him a cup he dropped it.
sings, o/` 'A connection is made' o/`
*****
The pair crept into the kitchen and began searching the shelves. Behind a
tea tin, they found an unlabeled jar filled with pills.
Oooh. What can it mean?
*****
"I WILL keep calm."
Try some tea.
*****
Kasumi stared at the jar in Dr. Tofu's hand. "How, how?"
Geronimo: Hey! That's my line!
"I couldn't help it! It was all too much for me! Father never stopped
crying, and Akane was having such trouble in school. I went to the clinic,
and they gave me pills..." Kasumi trailed off and wiped her eyes before
continuing. "It got even worse when the Saotomes moved in. I needed peace!
I HAD to have peace!"
This does explain a few things. Her initial outburst and then the following
lack of personality.
"I just wanted everyone to be happy, Akane!"
"We'll be happy when you get better, and come back home."
Don't need the comma, I think.
*****
His friend, on the other hand, had different concerns.
"Who's going to take care of us? Kasumi did everything!"
Heh.
Akane spoke up. "Don't worry, Mr. Saotome! I've got it covered!"
But that's another story, entirely. Nice oneshot, as always. Am
wondering how Ranma and Akane came to admit their feelings but it works
the way it stands. Looking forward to your next piece.
Warr
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
http://members.nbci.com/Tengpow/front.html or
http://welcome.to/nifflheim
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"My father always told me: 'The best way to understand someone
is to fight him, make him angry. That's when you see the real
person.'"
-- Sinclair to Ivanova in Babylon 5:"Midnight on the Firing Line