In a message dated 9/18/00 7:09:03 PM EST, zema@uakron.edu writes:
Since I was one of the people who suggested you do this, I might as well
try and give a little C&C on the finished product. My comments are all
in my opinion.
> "Oh...my head..." Ranma moaned as he slowly regained consciousness. He
was
> dimly aware that he was draped over a tree branch like a cheap, wet rug.
> "What happened...?"
I like the "cheap, wet rug" imagery.
Thanks.
>
> No sooner than he had said those words, memories flooded before his
eyes.
He
"memories flooded before his eyes" sounds kind of awkward to me.
Flooded through his mind, or flashed before his eyes would work better
in my opinion.
> was fighting against Toma, the boy prince who had kidnapped Kasumi,
Nabiki,
> Shampoo, Ukyou, and last, but not least, Akane in preparation for
choosing
a
You need something after Akane here, I think just a comma, but I'm not
entirely sure about that.
> bride. Thing had gotten bad in the race for Akane on the mine carts,
then
Thing=Things
> degenerated into worse; he and Akane had flipped out of the cart and
plummet
> towards the permanent man-changing water pool far below.
plummet=plummeted
The last time I had that puppy spellchecked, the checker threw all sorts of
fits. Now that I had it spellchecked again, it says it's fine.
Strange computer...
> waterspout rising violently to greet them. With a force like that of
> slamming into a wall, he felt the liquid engulf him, and then blacked
out.
Slamming into a wall isn't a force, it's the result of a force upon an
object, you might want to reword this, perhaps make it a feeling.
> Ranma's eyes flew open with revitalized alertness and fear. "Akane, you
> idiot!! Where the hell are you?!"
Could probably use an "a moment later" or something similar to provide
continuity after Ranma's blacking out.
> A groan answered his outburst above him. Quickly, he sprang up the tree,
I think "above him" might sound better before "answered his outburst"
> leaping from limb to limb until he found the source of the groan. He
froze
> in horror upon revealing the identity of the person.
Seeing might work better than revealing here. Revealing is something
that he's doing, and I at least associate it with showing information to
others.
> It was a boy with a crown of flowers tucked into his short hair, wearing
a
> soaking wet white gown.
>
> "Akane?" he asked, fervently hoping that it was really Tsubasa, or some
other
> crossdresser that may have been on the floating island.
His luck wouldn't allow something that easy :)
Heh. Never has, never does.
> The boy's eyes fluttered open, and he smiled up. "Ranma..." he said in a
> deep voice. Then he blinked rapidly upon hearing his voice. "Ranma?
What's
You only need either "Then" or "he".
> going on?"
>
> "Y-y-you're Akane?!"
>
> "Yes, you idiot!" he growled in irritation. "Who do you think I am?"
>
> "...a...a guy..."
>
> Akane blinked rapidly. "A...a guy?" Instinctively, he grabbed his
chest.
> Eyes widened considerably, he hesitated a glance down the gown.
> "Gu...gu...gu..." Disbelieving, he reached down between his legs,
checking.
> Akane froze like stone upon his discovery.
Shouldn't she have been expecting this? After all, she pulled his arms
away. Mind you, I imagine the reaction would be the same physically,
checking himself over, but I don't know if the dialogue would be quite
the same.
Panic mode setting in. Sort of like reaching into an oven and pulling out
the pizza that's about to burn, only to realize that you don't have any oven
mitts on three seconds later.
> "A...Akane?" Ranma asked warily.
>
> The island shook under the force of the outburst. "OH MY GOD!! I'M
STUCK
AS
> A GUY!! WAAHH!!!"
Then again, Akane doesn't always think before she acts now that I think
about it ;) Which would explain this reaction.
Oh, yeah. ^_^
> * * * * *
> "Dear me. This could result in some complications for your household,
> Tendo-san."
Who said this? The speech isn't quite distinctive enough to identify
the speaker, the only one I could think of was Cologne or an islander,
mainly by eliminating other options.
It's Cologne.
> "WAAH!! My daughter's turned into a son! The Tendo-Saotome union is in
> trouble!"
Soun.
> "There, there, Tendo-kun. You still have two other daughters to fulfill
the
> promise."
If I have to say this one, someone had best re-read the series from the first
day. ^_^
> "Oh, my! Akane, is that really you?"
Xellos. ^_^ It's Kasumi.
> "Damn, sis. You would have to have all the bad luck, ne?"
Akane: No worse than normal, Nabiki. It's all Ranma's fault anyway.
Ranma: Hey! How's it's my fault you're a guy when you stopped me in the
first place?
Akane: Didn't you read the script? It's always your fault, no matter what.
Ranma: [sullen] Oh.
> "Shampoo no longer have worry about stupid violent girl, but Shampoo no
want
> to meet same fate."
>
> "Oh, Sugar..."
>
> "Oh, my dear Akane! How could this have happened to such a girl?!"
Toma?
You know, upon re-reading it for the first time in a while, I thought it was
Toma, too. Then I remembered it was Happousai as I read farther down the
story.
> "What foul magicks hath thee cast upon the beautific Akane Tendo,
hounorless
> sorcerer?! And what hath becometh of the pigtailed girl?"
>
> "Ranma!! For allowing Akane to be cursed to live as a guy forever, I'll
kill
> you!!"
>
> "More importantly, you destroyed our only chance at getting a cure! How
dare
> you be so greedy, Saotome?!"
You're missing Happosai wailing about the loss of a beautiful girl ;)
He's cleverly disguised as Toma, you know. ^_^
> Ranma was getting a headache. "Why me?" he muttered under his breath.
>
> "Look everyone," boy-type Akane began, rubbing his squarish, angular jaw
> experimentally. "It's not Ranma's fault I'm like this."
>
> Everyone, including Toma and his people, quiet down to listen to her.
The
quiet=quieted
> group had formed a mock circle on the shore, partly to help revive Soun,
What exactly is a mock circle? A square pretending to be a circle? :)
^_^ It's in training.
> Genma, Nabiki, and Ryouga (who incidentally woke up just in time avoid
> getting a faceful of cold water). The shock proved to be a bit much
when
the
> boy introduced himself as Akane Tendo.
>
> "It's...I choose to be cursed. For Ranma's sake."
choose=chose
> "But why, Akane?" Ryouga piped up. "Why did you do it?"
>
> "Yes. That is something we all would like to know," Cologne said, idly
> tapping a smoking pipe on the heel of her tiny foot in thought before
taking
> a deep drag off it. "Why would you choose to sacrifice your femininity
for
> his benefit?"
"thoughtfully" might work better than "in thought" here.
> The boy turned scarlet, stammering something very low and to himself.
>
> Nabiki spoke up. "Let me guess. You're in love with him, right?"
Ryouga
> fell over in shock at her inquiry.
>
> Soun quickly snapped out of his depressive funk. "Is that true,
daughter?
> You love him?"
>
> Boy-type Akane eeped. "Umm...ah..." He glanced to her immediate left to
> Ranma who was looking at his own toes. He seemed to be deep in thought.
At
> any rate, he wasn't much help. "Well...I..."
>
> "You're an idiot," Ranma said quietly.
>
> Switching gears from scandalized to insulted proved to be a bit harder
this
> time around, but Akane pulled it off anyway. "What did you say?!"
>
> He didn't look up. "You're an idiot. For giving up being a girl for me.
> That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen anyone ever do. It's even
dumber
> than oyaji teaching me nekoken."
the nekoken
> Boy-type Akane was hurt, as well as angered, by his words. He balled up
a
> fist out of reflex to slug the pigtailed boy across the mystical island.
See
> if he would do something nice for that jerk again!
>
> "...thank you."
>
> His anger deflated, replaced by confusion. "What?"
>
> Ranma gave him a sidelong look and a hint of a lopsided grin. "I know
how
> much you like being a girl and stuff, and I know it ain't easy to be
cursed
> to turn into the opposite gender. But you really wanted to get me cured,
> even when I was trying to save you." He shifted out of his prone
position,
> then hesitated briefly before giving him a "guy hug," slapping him on the
> back. Surprised at first, Akane returned the hug, trying to copy his
actions.
>
> "Thanks."
>
> "You're...welcome." Akane smiled a bit.
>
> "Aww..." the majority of the group said as one, embarrassing both Ranma
and
> the newly-made boy.
Heh. And thus ends the life of this particular "touchy feely moment".
Yeah, they tend to not last long around these people. ^_^
> "So," Akane started, changing the conversation from an embarrassing
> direction. "How does it feel to male all the time?"
feel to (be) male
> Ranma scratched his chin. "Well...it feels good so far. I still wish
you
> didn't-"
>
> For reasons unknown to even the modern sciences, it rained over the
island
> without warning. Ryouga leapt behind Genma as the first drops fell as
it
was
> too late to look for his bamboo umbrella. A minute later, it subsided,
> leaving most of those caught in its path drenched, or, for the
> Jusenkyou-cursed factions, changed.
>
> Ranma gave them a wry smile. "Well, that's at least one good thing
about
not
> becoming a girl." Something didn't seem right, all of a sudden. He felt
> different, and everyone, including a sopped P-Chan that darted out from
> behind a wet panda, was staring at him as if he just grew horns and a
second
> head. Even boy-type Akane looked like someone had just stepped on his
grave.
> "What?" Hearing a higher-than-normal-for-a-guy's voice come from his
mouth,
> he began to sweat profusely. "No way..." He squeezed his eyes shut and
> grabbed his chest. Instead of lean muscle, he squeezed two firm lumps
> protruding a ways from his chest. Gasping, he opened his eyes wide and
met a
> pair of breasts on his body. A blink later, he found himself
face-to-face
Deja vu.
Happousai: I see you!
> with Happousai, who was vigorously rubbing himself between the two large
> mammary organs.
>
> "Sweeto! You're back, Ranma, my boy! Pose in this brassiere for me,
would
> you?"
>
> The island shook again from an extreme auditory explosion. "OH MY GOD!!
I'M
> BACK TO BEING A GIRL AGAIN!!"
>
> * * * * *
> "How sad, really," Ukyou mused, looking up at the stars.
>
> "Why do you say that," Nabiki asked out of curiosity as she was fed a
grape
> by the obedient dogman of Toma's troupe.
>
> "Because Ranchan didn't know how that water and the Jusenkyou curse would
> interact."
>
> "Mmm...true. It didn't help that the man-changing water use to be a
cursed
> hot springs. Its waters only affect the outside form, and Ranma remained
> male when he fell in. It's certainly not the same thing as canceling
out
a
> curse."
>
> "Yeah. And I know Akane must be a real pain in the fanny now.
Sacrificed
> being a woman just to find out it didn't work after all."
>
> "Not nearly as angry as she is at their parents' suggestion that the
schools
> can still be united if boy-type Akane married girl-type Ranma and she
gave
> birth to their children."
I would think Ranma would be a bit more upset about that then Akane.
Yep. Extremely upset. Thus the hunt is on!
> "Stupid panda," Shampoo said, walking back to the quickly made camp.
They're living in a camp when they have an entire palace beside them?
> "You said it, Sugar. For once, we're in total agreement."
>
> Somewhere off in the distance, a shout of "Yoganran Gidigan!" and a
scream
of
> bestial agony punctuated the night air.
>
> "I guess Ranma, Akane, and Toma found Genma," Nabiki noted idly, then
opened
> her mouth receive another grape.
>
> "It was so nice of Toma-kun to help Ranma and Akane find his father,"
Kasumi
> said as she cooked dinner for the camp.
>
> "Probably because their logic made him ill to think about," Nabiki said
to
> herself.
The "their" I'm assuming is referring to Genma and Soun, but they were
just talking about Genma from the previous conversation. You might want
to change this to "his" or add Soun in farther up.
> "Too bad only illusion fire. Would like panda barbecue now."
>
> "Yeah, but he doesn't know that. Besides, it'll be a good experience for
> that jackass to suffer some for all the dumb things he said and done
over
the
> years."
Yes he does. He was standing right there when Cologne explained the
entire thing to Ranma.
> * * * * *
> Off in the distance, Soun ran as fast as his legs could carry him. His
> oldest friend had already fallen to that Toma boy. "Come on...it...it
was
> just a...thought!" he cried out, panting heavily. "Have pity-!"
>
> "Moukou Takabisha!" A beam of yellow streaked past him, obliterating
some
> botanical life.
>
> "Akane--!"
>
> "Shut up dad!"
Comma before "dad", and you need to capitalize it since it's a proper
noun the way it's being used.
> "But, can't we...just talk about it?"
>
> "NO!!" boy-type Akane and girl-type Ranma shouted at the same time. "Get
> back here!"
>
> "Waah! My son is so scary!"
>
> "Ooh!! I'm a girl, dammit!!"
>
> End
Didn't resolve much near the end, and there's still a lot that could be
explored, but I enjoyed the story anyway. I don't really have much to
say other than what was written above, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks
for a good story.
Maybe I'll write "Sacrifice for Womanhood" in the future and resolve the
whole thing. You never know.
And thanks for the comments. All corrections have been taken and made.
My fanfics can be found at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/raemowse/index.html
Keep on reading.
Adrian D. Rainman