Hi Gary,
"Okay, you're wish is granted. Good luck."
your
Argh! And I was the one who wrote a homonym guide for the FFML?
*mutters evil things about typos*
Just FYI, Pantyhose doing the Butt-head laugh is something that was
added by the Viz translators. If you use it in your story, you're likely
to annoy some of the hard-core Pantyhose fans. Whether this is a good or
bad thing is up to you. :)
I had wondered about that. Have removed the stupid laugh.
PANTYHOSE: I know exactly what I want. I wish I had a name that was
really appropriate.
** POOF! **
[much later]
PASSER-BY: Hey, look at this!
OTHER PASSER-BY: What?
PASSER_BY: Someone left a perfectly good pair of nylons just lying
around!
Who is the third Passer_By? ;) That joke works and it doesn't at
the same time.
PANTYHOSE: I wish for Happosai to have a sudden coronary... oh, you
can't? Dang.
I was thinking about making an on-going joke where Happosai keeps
getting the butt end of people's wishes by mistake -which just might
give him that coronary- but we'll see.
will buy it from me
(he already has the rug, and wants to get rid of it ^_^)
Erm, oops.
"Um, I can give you 12,450 yuan strait out or I can give you 14,500
straight
Argh x2.
To be honest, I think this could've been a lot better. You had a lot of
situations that seemed like they ought to be yielding humor but weren't.
I had planned on fleshing it out a lot more but finally just released it
A> to get some idea of people's reactions and
B> cause I hadn't done anything to it since late July and figured comments
might motivate me.
Pantyhose's new name, for example; you could have a scene where he
introduces himself by saying "I'm Awesome" and wonders why people think
he's conceited.
Will try to work that in without spoiling the later Bruce Lee joke.
Hadn't really planned on using him in later scenes either.
This is just one example, and there are lots of possibilities. It takes
a lot of effort to do a good comedy, just as it does for a serious
drama. Keep looking for ways to put more humor into your scenes.
It's hard to gauge when there are too many jokes. Will try to keep
up the fast paced humor, or speed up the pace, if you will.
Another thing I noticed was that you tended to skim over scenes, and
those you did show didn't have a lot of detail. Try to slow down a bit
and give more detail. Not only will this make the story more involving
for your readers, but you can give your story a sense of style and mood
by the way in which you describe things.
Now I know this is a big problem area for me. I'm generally a straight-
to-the-point kinda person though that doesn't really work with writing.
Will go back, try to flesh out the scenes, maybe add a few and see if
inspiration hits for the next chapter.
Thank you very much for the detailed commentary. I really
appreciate it.
Gary Kleppe
Warr
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
http://members.nbci.com/Tengpow/front.html or
http://welcome.to/nifflheim
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"My father always told me: 'The best way to understand someone
is to fight him, make him angry. That's when you see the real
person.'"
-- Sinclair to Ivanova in Babylon 5:"Midnight on the Firing Line