Warr <warr@gci.net> wrote:
Still feeling giddy from her first two wishes, Souan was not in
the mood for the lecture and interruption, "Just do it!"
Period after interruption, not a comma.
"Okay, you're wish is granted. Good luck."
your
"When will I ever be rid of this cursed...?" Taro trailed off when
he noticed what appeared to be a Persian rug left alone on the path.
"What's this? I wonder if I can sell it and get some money for food.
Huh-huh. The original owners don't seem to be around. Huh-huh."
Just FYI, Pantyhose doing the Butt-head laugh is something that was
added by the Viz translators. If you use it in your story, you're likely
to annoy some of the hard-core Pantyhose fans. Whether this is a good or
bad thing is up to you. :)
The pantyhose clad youth stood back and into a casual defensive stance
pantyhose-clad
as he stated, "This isn't some stupid trap so hidden friends can try
and rob me, is it? Huh-huh. If so, you're out of luck."
"I'm afraid not, bucko. My name is Jenn Fortune and I'm a Jinniyah.
Because you unraveled me, you get three wishes."
PANTYHOSE: I know exactly what I want. I wish I had a name that was
really appropriate.
** POOF! **
[much later]
PASSER-BY: Hey, look at this!
OTHER PASSER-BY: What?
PASSER_BY: Someone left a perfectly good pair of nylons just lying
around!
Jenn, for her part, looked annoyed as she attempted to take stock of
her position and answer the effete looking boy at the same time.
effete-looking
"Where am I? You look Asian. I take it I'm still in China? Korean?
Korea?
Don't tell me I'm in Japan. The last time I was there... well, it
wasn't pretty. I think the Americans were about to bomb the place.
As for me, Djinn and Jinniyah are part of Arabian mythology. I
myself, am from Mesopotamia.
I myself am
or
I, myself, am
"Not that that matters. You unraveled my rug so you get three wishes.
You can ask for most anything although you cannot wish for more wishes
or that I make someone love you. I can't change a person's heart."
PANTYHOSE: I wish for Happosai to have a sudden coronary... oh, you
can't? Dang.
He approached the town with some trepidation. Who knew who would recognize
him and laugh at his name or new look? It must be done, though, he must
Suggest: It had to be done, (past tense)
"NO! No, I'm not. Look, do you want the rug or don't you? I'm sure
someone else will give it to me without all the hassle."
will buy it from me
(he already has the rug, and wants to get rid of it ^_^)
"Um, I can give you 12,450 yuan strait out or I can give you 14,500
straight
"I wish." he replied. "Let's try to get to school on time today. It
might freak Miss Hinako out if we were on time everyday this week."
every day
To be honest, I think this could've been a lot better. You had a lot of
situations that seemed like they ought to be yielding humor but weren't.
Pantyhose's new name, for example; you could have a scene where he
introduces himself by saying "I'm Awesome" and wonders why people think
he's conceited.
This is just one example, and there are lots of possibilities. It takes
a lot of effort to do a good comedy, just as it does for a serious
drama. Keep looking for ways to put more humor into your scenes.
Another thing I noticed was that you tended to skim over scenes, and
those you did show didn't have a lot of detail. Try to slow down a bit
and give more detail. Not only will this make the story more involving
for your readers, but you can give your story a sense of style and mood
by the way in which you describe things.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html