I really enjoyed this story, it's a great character study. The ambiguity of
Gokuu's homecoming and his battle really leave a lot up to the reader's
interpretation, and you pulled it off very well. There's a few things that
could be cleaned up, but overall very good. I don't know how this could
become a full series... it stands on its own very well, and any further
elaboration may prove fatal. Good job, and keep writing!
In a message dated 9/17/00 11:21:31 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
latin_d@uol.com.ar writes:
<< Dawn broke upon the world in a ritual older than life
itself, the sun peeking timidly over the far-off horizon. Immediately
igniting the sky, its rays painted the grassy hills in a million of
impossible reds, oranges and purples, and fought off the darkness with
mindless determination. The air was still cool, virginal, and sang
quietly as it ran along the green, rolling slopes.
::Good vivid description.
As nature basked in the primal energy the star
willingly gave it, and fed on it, pulsating and growing, the clouds
suddenly opened up, pushed aback by some unseen force. A new sun
appeared then, this one hot-white and diminutive, soaring through the
air like a fiery shooting star. Fast as a missile it approached the
land, and soon the form of a man could be guessed in the shining orb's
midst, deeply immersed in that sea of whiteness. Tall and fair, he could
have been confused with an angel, or perhaps with a messenger of the
gods themselves... And even those titles would have been befitting to
this man. He flew gracefully across the morning, blending with the
soothing peace of the moment, losing himself in it. Nature accepted him,
gleefully recognizing his chosen son.
::Suggest: white-hot instead of hot-white. Sounds better, IMO.
Then, with no warning, the man abruptly stopped his
advance, effortlessly hovering over one of the hills. With infinite
slowness, he lowered himself onto the ground, descending with an
elegance reserved to creatures of the air. When the white energy touched
the grass below, the tiny blades bent, as if bowing in respect to the
warrior's power, and created a perfect circle around him. Light as a
feather, his feet finally met the ground, and his legs tensed in answer,
securing his balance.
He slowly raised his gaze, and his eyes shone with
unbound joy. In a moment, the energy receded into his body, where it
rightfully belonged. He felt his shirt flapping in the gentle breeze and
smelled the soft perfume of the daffodils. Hearing distant sounds of
animals, he turned his head and saw birds fluttering away in haste,
frightened by some unknown threat. And as his senses were overloaded with
impulses of every kind, he realized he had arrived at last. Taking a
step forward, he began the short walk toward the large cabin that waited
a couple of miles ahead.
Gokuu was home.
::Brilliant.. I really felt like I was there.
---
<snip>
As he sent a flurry of lightning-fast punches, Gokuu
nodded, satisfied with his firstborn's skill. Despite Gohan's reluctance
to follow in his footsteps and dedicate his life to the Art, it was
obvious that Gohan had been practicing. Of course, Gokuu thought as he
increased the speed of his blows, he was still better, but he was
certain Gohan could be the greatest fighter ever to live in this realm
if he devoted himself to training--something Chichi would never allow.
::Two uses of Gohan too close together. I think you should stick a pronoun in
there.
<snip>
"What about a little race, Gohan?" Gokuu asked, a
playful grin on his lips.
::What about it? suggest: "How.."
Gohan returned the smirk. "Sure." Not waiting for his
father, Gohan set off towards the house, leaving a trail of dust behind.
Gokuu was startled for a moment, but then started running himself.
"Hey, that's not fair!"
Laughter ensued, Goten soon joining them, and the sun
sank behind the hills.
---
This has been a great day: a good fight with my son, a
delicious meal, and perfect weather. What else could I possibly ask for?
I look at the empty side of the bed, knowing the answer to that
question.
How is it that I'm able to leave all this behind? How
do I manage to force myself to sacrifice this paradise for the sake of
the Art? I don't know, I really don't. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember...
::Great insight.
<snip>
The room was bathed in an eerie red light when Gokuu
woke up the next morning, a testimony to the new sunrise. In his arms,
Chichi slept peacefully, smiling and mumbling meanderings in a soft
tone. Gokuu brought his ear a little closer, but wasn't able to
understand her incoherent words. For a moment, he wondered what it was
that she was saying. Probably, he decided, she was dreaming about her
family. Maybe, she was relating a story to Goten, waiting for slumber to
reclaim him, or was giving Gohan a wise piece of advice, worried about
his son's future. Or perhaps, he thought as he smiled, she was dreaming
about him. And if th--
::That cutoff is a bit too abrupt. Let him finish the word, methinks.
<snip>
I feel the cool wind on my skin, but it can't hope to
chill my heart's warmth, which spreads through my body, setting it on
fire. The familiar rage fills me, owning me, consuming my entire being.
I change, mutating into something far different and incredibly powerful.
Energy runs through my veins, my blood in now pure, comforting lava.
::Very cool. Comforting lava is a bit strange, though.
Defeating my enemy doesn't sound so impossible now.
No, it doesn't. I look at him in the eye, then, and take pleasure in the
uncertainty and confusion I see there.
I think of Gohan, of Goten; I see Chichi's beautiful
face, her dark eyes full of life.
And as she smiles at me, I fight. >>
Great story.
Nothing more than a G**damn trendy ass poser.
-Stevo