Greetings!
Hey, Latin D!
Another One-hour challenge, another character sketch... ^_^
Sounds good to me. I like your character sketches. They're always so well
thought out, and very insightful.
In truth, I couldn't finish this one in one hour, so it'd be a
two-hours-and-a-half fanfic. This will show the people who say my CS are
too
short! ^_^
Who said that? WHO?! (draws sword) WHERE DO THEY LIVE?
Oh, wait. That means this is going to be long, right? Eh-heheh. (puts sword
back) Never mind. Forget I said anything. On with the show, eh? ^_^;
After reading my Chichi CS, someone dared to challenge me to actually
write
all those scenes I talked about, so... here it is! This is for you, Mike!
^_^
Cool, Mike! You talked Latin D into writing another one of these! Now tell
him to get to work on his next chapter of Silent Battles... ^_~
Please, people, send C&C. I need it, I want it, I can't live without it.
You think I would let a chance like this go by? After you sent me such great
C&C on MY last work? Yeah, right! Like you'd be lucky enough to avoid that!
HAH! ^_^
Send me a mail, and let me know what you think about this fic, will you?
Just a quick "Hi!", and I'll be happy. As always, I like public comments,
but I take anything, anything!
Boy, I'm glad you've been paying attention during all those "pathetic
pleading for C&C" lessons I've been giving. You're nearly as desperate as I
am! ^_^
Thanks go to Megane 6.7 and Zoogz for prereading. You're the best, guys!
Ain't they just?
My other works can be find at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/latin_d/
Enjoy!
Well, if you say so, then I'm sure I will. ^_~
DISCLAIMER: Dragonball Z is owned by Akira Toriyama and Toei Animation.
No copyright infringement is intended.
Owned by FUNimation too, the blood-erasing, tear-erasing, digital
underwear-painting losers. Still, despite their invention of "frothy mugs of
water", we really should give them credit.
I guess.
I'm not sure for what. Maybe effort.
_________________________________
FACES IN THE DAWN
A DBZ shortfic
by Latin_D (latin_d@uol.com.ar)
_________________________________
Wheee! Here we go! ^_^
Oh, and by the way, any and everything I say is to be taken with a grain of
salt the size of Texas. So if you're wondering what the hell I'm talking
about, just remind yourself that most people consider me loopy, and that I
may just have finally plunged off of the brink I have been teetering on for
years.
In other, less amusing words, everything is INMHO. Ignore me whenever and
wherever you want.
Dawn broke upon the world in a ritual older than
What's up with these huge indents? Is this just on my browser, or did you do
it on purpose? I'm not complaining, but it may make your fic look a smidgen
funny on other people's e-mail programs. Excite has an auto-wrap thingie, so
I'm okay with it.
life
itself, the sun peeking timidly over the far-off horizon. Immediately
igniting the sky, its rays painted the grassy hills in a million of
I think you want to say either "in a million impossible", or "in millions of
impossible". Other than that, though, an awesome opening. I love the imagery
and you've got a perfect descriptive style here.
impossible reds, oranges and purples, and fought off the darkness with
mindless determination. The air was still cool, virginal, and sang
quietly as it ran along the green, rolling slopes.
As nature basked in the primal energy the star
willingly gave it, and fed on it, pulsating and growing, the clouds
suddenly opened up, pushed aback by some unseen force. A new sun
appeared then, this one hot-white and diminutive, soaring through
I gotta agree with one of your other C&Cers here, my man. "white-hot" might
be better than "hot-white" here.
Tall and fair, he could
have been confused with an angel, or perhaps with a messenger of the
gods themselves... And even those titles would have been befitting to
this man. He flew gracefully across the morning, blending with the
soothing peace of the moment, losing himself in it. Nature accepted him,
gleefully recognizing his chosen son.
Interesting. Most people see Nature as a woman (i.e. "Mother" Nature). I'm
not saying it's wrong to do it this way, just a bit different. I like
different. ^_^
And, am I to assume Goku is a Super Saiyan at the moment? ("Tall and
fair" implies blond hair.)
Then, with no warning, the man abruptly stopped his
advance, effortlessly hovering over one of the hills. With infinite
Lessee, here... I don't think you need to say "abruptly" and "with no
warning" in the same sentence. One implies the other, so you should be safe
in dropping one and keeping the other. Either would do, but using both makes
it sound like you're repeating youself and saying the same thing twice. ^_^
slowness,
I'm not sure "slowness" is a word. It may be, but I'm not certain. Maybe you
should say "Infinitely slowly...", but that sounds off, too. Ah, maybe I'm
wrong.
he lowered himself onto the ground, descending with an
elegance reserved to creatures of the air. When the white energy touched
the grass below, the tiny blades bent, as if bowing in respect to the
warrior's power, and created a perfect circle around him. Light as a
feather, his feet finally met the ground, and his legs tensed in answer,
securing his balance.
That is one of the best, most beautiful descriptions I have ever read,
especially of something most people just brush off by saying "Goku landed".
Excellent work, my friend, excellent.
He slowly raised his gaze, and his eyes shone
"raised his gaze" has one tiny problem: it rhymes. That's not always bad,
but it's not always good, either. It can make a reader's mind stumble
slightly. Maybe you could say "raised his head" instead?
with
unbound joy. In a moment, the energy receded into his body, where it
rightfully belonged. He felt his shirt flapping in the gentle breeze and
smelled the soft perfume of the daffodils. Hearing distant sounds of
animals, he turned his head and saw birds fluttering away in haste,
frightened by some unknown threat. And as his senses were overloaded with
impulses of every kind, he realized he had arrived at last. Taking a
step forward, he began the short walk toward the large cabin that waited
a couple of miles ahead.
Gokuu was home.
Awesome bit of description, here. This was one of the best scenes I've read
in a while.
---
I walk up to the door, suppressing somehow the urge to
run. Too much time has passed this time, too much. I try to remember
their faces, but all I am able to conjure are blurred images, mere
sketches with no details.
Woah, change in narrative! Most people frown on those, but in this case it's
okay, as long as you mark the changes with those dashes. Besides, it
actually helps the story, IMO, to be providing different views. From a
single point, the emphasis would be lost.
Good view of how Goku must feel, too, always racing off and leaving his
family behind for such long stretches of time. I don't think too many people
take the time to look into how much anguish it must be for the poor guy. I
mean, he's out there doing what he does for his family, but because he's out
there, he almost never gets to see them.
The front gate opens before I even touch the knob--the
children must have felt my presence. Sometimes, it's easy to forget they
are powerful warriors themselves, members of a race capable of
destroying the Earth on a whim. I can't help but grin, proud of my sons.
Goten is the first one to arrive, clutching my leg
with his tiny arms. Ironically, those same arms could destroy a mountain
if he wanted, or maybe break this same leg. However, his embrace is
loving and tender, a caress to my weary body. I reach down and ruffle
his hair, sensing how he tightens his hold on me.
Next comes Gohan, taller than ever and much older,
too. Have I been away for so long? What other things have changed? I
look at him in the eye, and observe, hidden behind the exterior shell of
shyness and calmness, the hard glint that defines him as a warrior: the
mark of the Saiyan. A sigh escapes my lips as Gohan stands by my side,
seemingly waiting for something. Whatever else my children may have
become, they are still faithful to their heritage--and I'm glad for
that.
Interesting take on how Goku can view his family. And on how they view him.
After all, I notice Gohan didn't rush over and hug the man, like Goten dead.
How welcome can Goku feel when he is practically a stranger in his own home?
Even if he does love him, Gohan must be feeling a bit ignored.
So distracted I am that I don't notice her until I
feel one of her small hands resting on my shoulder. I turn my head, and
see her. Chichi's eyes are full of unshed tears, but I don't worry.
Those are joyful tears, the right kind--at least, I hope they are. She
hugs me, and Gohan slowly comes closer.
I gather my whole family in my arms, and we hold each
other for a small eternity as the day gets old around us.
I like this way of ending the scene, but I have to say that I like the way
it began more. The slight awkwardness at first is a bit more realistic,
almost as if they can't believe it's really him, or aren't quite sure what
to do. It makes the ending of the scene seem that much more emotional.
<SNIP!>
Although I've got to say that the sparring scene was pure gold. Goten's
worship of Goku and Gohan, Goku's pride and concern over his son, and
Gohan's feelings as he loses to his father -acceptance,and yet a twinge of
something else, too- were wonderfully done.
The bedroom scene with Goku and Chichi was well done, too. You actually
managed to show exactly how Goku feels about his wife, and why. His almost
childlike wonder at her beauty was a nice change from her usual portrayl as
a shrewish woman (of course, Goku would never see his wife like that).
The room was bathed in an eerie red light when Gokuu
woke up the next morning, a testimony to the new sunrise. In his arms,
Chichi slept peacefully, smiling and mumbling meanderings in a soft
tone. Gokuu brought his ear a little closer, but wasn't able to
understand her incoherent words. For a moment, he wondered what it was
that she was saying. Probably, he decided, she was dreaming about her
family. Maybe, she was relating a story to Goten, waiting for slumber to
reclaim him, or was giving Gohan a wise piece of advice, worried about
his son's future. Or perhaps, he thought as he smiled, she was dreaming
about him. And if th--
Gokuu's eyes shot open, his drowsy mind properly
awakened now. He gently shook Chichi. "Wake up, hon. Wake up," he
whispered, and soon his wife stirred slightly.
"What's the problem, Gokuu?" Chichi asked in a sleepy
voice, rubbing her eyes. "It's too early."
"I gotta go, Chichi," answered Gokuu. "I felt
something."
I love it. The fearless Goku (another stereotype), filled with terror at
something so simple. Not that he's facing a new threat, not that the Earth
is in danger, just that he has to leave, and he has only just arrived. I
love it.
<JUST ONE MORE!>
Defeating my enemy doesn't sound so impossible now.
No, it doesn't. I look at him in the eye, then, and take pleasure in the
uncertainty and confusion I see there.
I think of Gohan, of Goten; I see Chichi's beautiful
face, her dark eyes full of life.
And as she smiles at me, I fight.
---
The End.
Take a bow, pal, because you deserve a round of applause. These character
sketches of yours keep getting better and better. This one was great, giving
a surprisingly deep view of Goku, who most people like to think of as a
fairly shallow character. As always, you've found an interesting way to view
a familiar character. Kudos! A job well done!
So... when's that next chapter of Silent Battles I keep harping on about
going to show up in my Inbox, huh? ^_^
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson
_______________________________________________________
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