Lord Talon <talon@sgi.net> wrote:
(I am posting this for a friend. Please send all C&C to
Tagent@zbxoom.net)
It helps if you set the reply-to field to the address you want comments
to go to. My experience has been that a lot of readers will ignore
things like this.
Also, don't put in an [FFML] tag. The mailing list automatically adds
these.
A WORD FROM TANGENT: Once again, I am writing a story similar to
others that I have found on the net. Not only that, I am writing one
that is pretty much a counter balance to �Pieces on the Board�, a
fan-fic that I wrote that has a similar theme but takes place around
the other end of the Ranma series.
I strongly suggest putting your author notes at the *end* of the post,
not the beginning. Most of us, I think, would rather read your fic and
experience it on its own before hearing your own opinions on it. The
only things that belong before the fic, IMO, are things that would help
a potential reader decide whether to read it or not; like which anime
series the fic assumes familarity with.
FORWORD: A Study in Possibilities�
(Voice over by Rod Sterling if I could afford him�)
That's "FOREWORD."
I don't know what to tell you about this part other than that my
suggestion would be to cut it. First of all, you don't need to explain
to us what an alternate universe is. Just about any likely reader will
be familiar with the concept -- and even if someone isn't, it's better
to SHOW them via your story than to explain it beforehand. Likewise for
the nature of your particular change; don't explain it -- SHOW the
readers what it is and what the consequences are.
CHAPTER ONE: A Crushing Blow
Ranma-chan looked in shock at what had just happened to her now
possibly ex-fianc�e. The belt that she had kicked out of Ryoga�s hands
fiancee. Don't use non-ascii characters like the e with the mark over
it; they don't look the same on different platforms.
had spun up into the air and had returned in an arc that had sliced of
sliced off
most of the length of Akane�s hair. An arc that, had Akane not turned
to yell at her when she did, would have cleanly cleaved the girl from
the nape of her neck to just below her navel.
Just the thought made Ranma-chan want to cry in terror and grief over
Suggest you either indent your paragraphs, skip a line between them, or
both. It's really hard to tell where a paragraph begins as is,
especially when viewing in a varaible-length font.
what had almost happened. She desperately wanted to hug Akane, to hold
her, to assure herself that Akane was really okay, but fear held her
back. She had done it before, just before Akane had started storming
away in anger. In fact, it was her fault that Akane had inadvertently
put herself at risk to begin with, what with her having denied ever
really wanting to hold her fianc�e to begin with. How could she have
The repetition of "begin with" makes this read very awkwardly. Try to
use a synonym for one of them or just cut the first one out.
been so stupid, so callous? Akane had just renounced their engagement.
�You don�t have to explain. Because starting now� You and I are
STRANGERS!�
Did she really mean that? Ranma had to know, but not just yet. What
was more important was making sure that Akane was all right. Nothing
was more important than that. Even that nagging little feeling of
impending danger was overridden by her concern for the girl who
appeared to be in shock. Surely even Ryoga would stop his assault now
that he had nearly killed an innocent bystander�
WHOCKRK!!! �AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!�
First of all, I think a description of the sound, rather than a sound
effect, would work better here.
Secondly... I'm confused. In the manga, Ryoga *did* stop his attacks as
soon as he noticed that Akane's hair had been cut. Why such a different
reaction from him here? Has he not noticed that Akane was hit?
Ryoga stared in shock at the hand that had caught his fist. It
belonged to that cute girl that his hated rival had been teasing and
arguing with. She had stopped a strike that could have crushed a solid
concrete block easily, as if it had been nothing more than a baseball.
He could feel the bones in his hand grinding together in point to the
rage in her expression.
�Get away from my iinazuke, you monster!� SNAP! Went Ryoga�s elbow
Suggest: from my fiance, (avoid gratuitous Japanese whenever
possible)
Also, again, I think a description would work better than a sound
effect.
joint as the girl bent it severely in an unnatural angle. �Leave her
alone!� POP! Went his shoulder as the girl yanked it out of its
socket, dislocating it nearly as badly as she had his elbow. �What did
she ever do to you to deserve this!? She thought you were her friend,
damn you!�
I don't think Akane would refer to Ranma as she, even if your narrator
does. She knows that Ranma is really a boy in a girl's body. Ditto for
Ryoga (below). And where is Akane getting such strength? Ryoga is
super-strong, even at this point in the manga, and Akane isn't even
strong enough to lift Ryoga's umbrella at the time of this story.
Ordinarily, Akane would stand no chance in a fight with Ryoga; but
then again, ordinarily she wouldn�t stand a chance in a fight with her
fianc� either, and she had managed to defeat Ranma once before. All
Huh? When was this? I hardly think clobbering him with the dining table
while he's not looking counts as defeating him, if that's what you mean.
she knew was that a monster was killing her iinazuke, and she had to
stop him. And stop him she did.
There is an inner strength in all of us that can be called for in
times of great need or duress. Fear can bring it forth, as can anger
and desperation. So can realization of the truth of love just found,
only to be cruelly snatched away by fate� or a monster. A martial
Okay, here's an explanation of her newfound strength, but I really don't
find it very believable. It also suffers from the fact that you had to
break story point of view and essentially explain directly to the
readers.
What I think *would* work better here is the "angry woman syndrome." In
the manga, (justifiably) angry women can pretty much beat the crap out
of anyone no matter how tough a martial artist, because their targets
don't defend against them. This would require some rewriting of your
scene above, but IMO it would make a lot more sense than what you've
got.
She was scared, really scared, that she was going to die anyway, alone
and in greater pain than she had ever felt before. Her breathing was
ragged and forced, she was trembling all over (except for the horrible
lack of sensation from where she knew her left arm to be), and she had
a hard time focusing her vision on anything for very long. [So cold�
so very cold� so hot. I�m on fire� I have to be� I�m freezing to
death� I don�t want to die� not like this�]
It's getting more and more difficult to suspend my disbelief over this
story. Ranma's taken worse punishment than this in the manga (the end of
the Breaking Point storyline, for example, or the time Akane punched him
through a roof at the end of the Reversal Jewel story); why's it so much
worse for him, both physically and psychologically, here?
�I� don�t� want� to die� Akane�� Ranma-chan wheezed out past her
ragged breath. �I� don�t want� there to be� bad feelings� between us��
�Don�t talk like this, Ranma,� Akane pleaded. �You�re not going to
die!�
�I think I� love you� Akane��
�I think I love you too, you jerk,� Akane responded gently, tears in
her eyes. �Please don�t die on me!�
*Sigh* I'm a fairly big Ranma/Akane supporter, as those who've read my
stuff can attest to, but this scene still gave me indigestion. Nothing
in the story justifies such an extreme (for them) reaction.
Ryoga slowly rose to his feet and staggered away, painfully popping
the joints of his arm back into place. He had nearly killed a girl�
no, a boy� who had thought that they had been friends and could be
again. Damn it! Ranma had been a friend of sorts, before the
bread-feud had gone on too long. He had been the only boy willing to
spar with him, even with his greater strength. And while Ranma had
made fun of his lack of a direction sense, he had never been as
malicious about it as the other kids had been.
And now Ryoga goes from one extreme to the other. Why? That he's sorry
for upsetting Akane doesn't mean he doesn't have (in his mind)
legitimate grievances against Ranma, nor should it magically allow him
to start understanding things from Ranma's point of view.
A step that Nabiki could no longer afford to take if she wanted to get
involved with the authorities. The law could be a powerful ally, and
enforcers of the law were handily available. The law tended to like
truth and justice, as opposed to lies and cruelty.
Duty� Honor� Purpose�
A martial artist had these things�
So did an officer of the law�
Nabiki Tendo had found her calling.
Oh, please. I can't even begin to tell you how completely unjustified
this is for Nabiki. She's seen countless martial arts fights (and no
doubt many injuries) and never reacted this way.
END CHAPTER ONE.
I wish I had something more to tell you here. Your writing is very
readable, with few errors and some good descriptions in places, but I
just couldn't enjoy the story because of (IMO) bad characterization.
Trying to show character growth is fine, but when someone in the story
completely alters his or her behavior, there needs to be a major enough
justification for it. One of the first rules of fanfiction, for me at
least, is character inertia: characters will continue to act the way
they did in the original series, until acted on by some outside
circumstance that's radically different from what happened to them in
the manga. In this case, nothing in the circumstances seems changed at
all; it just looks to me like a case of characters are acting
differently for no other reason than that the author wants them to.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html