Alright, here we go, comments sprinkled throughout:
In a message dated 9/16/00 8:07:29 PM, abrown@wwdb.org put fingers to keys
and wrote:
Chapter 5: Revelation and Rejection
Healer Ka'Dalanis focused on the readings before her, trying to ignore
the pounding of her head. Before her, suspended in a tube of translucent
regeneration fluid, was Pheonix, recovering from the battle with the Zerg.
Ka'Dalanis adjusted some controls and injected a series of proteins into
the mix, then sat back and studied her charge.
The only thing covering Phoenix
Suggest "The only thing Phoenix had on"
was a mask that allowed her to breath
as well as protecting her eyes, mouth and nose. Her skin was a mottled
gray-blue, and her long pigtail had been untied. Her hair flowed gently
with the fluid. Every few minutes, she would twitch as though in the grip
of a dream.
[Are those dreams of happier times, or the nightmares of the horrors
you have seen?] thought Ka'Dalanis sadly. [Can you even dream, with no
memories to draw from?]
She turned as the door to the room hissed open, and Judicator Raetor
entered. [How fares your charge, Healer?] he asked. [She has been in
the tank for several hours.]
Ka'Dalanis turned to Raetor. [You ask me that? You should be thankful
she survived at all, much less lived to fight off two humans, and return.
When she got here, her brain was in an alarming state of decay. The
psionic blast that hit us nearly killed her!] She turned away before she
said something to alienate the Judicator. He was an ally, of sorts. He
did not like Pheonix's presence here any more than she did, but for
different reasons. When she managed to get her anger under control, she
continued. [By the way, our stocks of dextorin are low.] Dextorin was
used as a pain killer for the Templars when they over-extended their
psychic abilities. Because of Ryoga's Shishi Hokodan,
I don't believe they know Ryouga's name yet, or the technique he used. It
might be better to describe him physically and refer to what he said.
most of the Protoss at the base needed at least one dose to dull the pain of
the psionic
backlash.
[I will make sure we are sent some on the next shipment our forces
manage to smuggle past the human's blockade of the island,] he replied.
[I must admit, I am pleased by her performance. According to the data
recorder in her armor, she successfully challenged and defeated the two
humans we have identified as 'Ghosts'.]
Despite herself, she felt a surge of pride. [Yes, she did do rather
well, didn't she?] She shook her head in amusement. [We all do our jobs
well.]
Raetor stiffened. [Not as well as we wish, sometimes.]
[Is the Praetor not listening to you again? Why doesn't that surprise
me?]
[He-] Suddenly the doors hissed open and Praetor Halos strode into
the room.
[Greetings, Healer!] he said enthusiastically. [Congratulations on
the success of Phoenix's first deployment. I'm very-]
[You!] she interrupted scathingly. [You sent her out there against
a superior force for her first battle, *after* I said she wasn't ready, and
*after* Raetor said she wasn't ready, and you expect me to be happy she
returned to us barely alive?! You...you...Zergling!
Heh
You brainless,
arrogant, incompetent fool! You nearly killed her! She's spent the last
day and a half in the Regen Tank, when it was projected that she would
only need three hours per day. And she still needs to stay there until
tomorrow! Get out, you idiot!]
Again, the Healer seems a little to human here, and while I'm not positive
about this, I don't think you need the comma between out and idiot
[You can't-] started Helos, but Ka'Dalanis interrupted again.
[I said get out or so help me I'll poison you the next time you use
a Regen Tank! Go! Now!] Infuriated, Helos left. Raetor watched, then
turned to Ka'Dalanis with a mixture of amusement and curiosity.
[You wouldn't really poison him, would you?] he asked, half hopeful.
[A Healer is king in her own house. What do you think?]
[I think he should think twice before he next uses a Regen Tank.]
Heh, I like this scene. It makes the Protoss seem more likable somehow.
However, as I said before, you need to be careful not to make them too human.
Nabiki Tendo
We know her last name, you don't need to tell us it.
dismounted. Hiding the Vulture Attack Bike near the
Suggest simply calling it a Vulture. She's a military person and she'll use
shorthand whenever possible.
perimeter of the Protoss base, she Cloaked and ran. Stopping at the top
of a small ridge, she peered through her binoculars and saw several
glowing signatures of Photon Cannons emerging from warp space. She did
not know when they would appear, and did not care. She would worry about
that after she got in. Praying there were no Observers in close proximity,
Nabiki jumped off the ridge and charged the encampment.
Leaping up to the top of the wall, her heart skipped a beat as she
landed right beside a Dragoon. She waited for several seconds, ready to
blast the thing to pieces if it saw her. It made no move towards her,
so she jumped down into the base itself.
Like most forts, internal security was relatively light in comparison
to the external security. She looked around at the large number of
buildings and felt her resolve crumble. She'd never find Akane before
she lacked
Suggest 'ran out of'
the strength to keep herself Cloaked. Oh well, time for plan B.
Picking a Zealot at random. She followed him until he entered one
of the buildings. Making sure they were alone, she pulled out a mindblocker
and attached it to his head. His eyes widened in surprise, then glazed
over and he fell to the ground, unconscious. She pulled off her gloves
and put one hand on either side of the Zealot's head. "This is really
going to hurt,"
Suggest changing this to a thought. Security systems would pick up any noise
she might make, such as speaking to herself.
she said to herself. Taking a deep breath she plunged herself into his
mind. Even unconscious, the Zealot had formidable psychic shields. She
formed her thoughts into a spear of energy and tried to penetrate his
defenses. The pain was intense! She was more of a telepath than Ranma,
but it still hurt! After a seemingly endless fight against his shields
and her own pain, she managed to break through to his mind. Once there,
she asked two questions.
[Human-Protoss warrior?] A swelter of images blurred through her mind
before she caught an image of Akane.
[Where?] She saw a vision of the Citadel of Adun. Pulling herself
out of his mind, she sat back and wiped the sweat covering her face, a
psychosomatic response to her mental exertions. Picking up the Zealot,
she dumped him in a closet, knowing that the mindblocker should keep him
unconscious until morning. Then she made her way to the Citadel.
Following the mental instructions she had gleaned from the Zealot,
she entered and slowly made her way to the top floor. Just as she reached
the end of the stairs, the door hissed open and a Protoss in a flowing
blue robe stepped out, a Judicator by his dress. Nabiki waited until the
last moment then jumped over the Judicator and rolled through the open
door before it closed. She stood and looked around.
The room itself was nothing special. It was a box of a room with
a couple of windows. The contents, however were much more interesting.
There were a couple of chairs and other pieces of furniture. On the far
wall, was Phoenix's battle armor on a small platform. Beside it, was a
skinsuit composed of microcircutry, which allowed Phoenix to interface
with the armor.
How does She know what the skinsuit does or even is? Suggest a rephrasing so
it comes out as a guess.
A large console was hooked up to a tube filled with some kind
of gel. Inside the tube was Pheonix. Nabiki hissed quietly, then noticed
the tall Protoss female who was adjusting the controls on the console.
Nabiki pulled out her pistol,
attached a silencer to it, then sneaked up behind the Protoss. She then
tapped her lightly on the shoulder.
Ka'Dalanis was in good spirits. It felt good to vent some of her
frustration on that fool of a Praetor and have somewhat of a sympathetic
ear of the Judicator. She made some minor adjustments, then felt something
tap her shoulder. She spun around, startled. She thought she was alone!
But there was no one there. Suddenly, a female human appeared out of thin
air, and she had a gun pointing inches from Ka'Dalanis's face. The human
put one finger to her lips, an obvious sign for her to be quiet, since
humans used their clumsy lips to communicate.
"I want her," said Nabiki, pointing at Akane, "out."
Ka'Dalanis thought frantically. [But you can't! She requires at
least another eight hours-] Nabiki interrupted her.
"Either you do it," she took a couple of steps back and unslung her
Canister Rifle and pointed it at the Regen Tank. "Or I do it."
[No! Don't! I...I'll do it.] She turned back to the console, but
froze when she felt the cool metal of Nabiki's pistol pressing against
the back of her head.
"No alarms. If I have even a vague suspicion that you're triggering
an alarm, I'll blow your brains all over the console. Got it?" Ka'Dalanis
nodded. "And no calling for help. I'm telepath enough to detect it."
With a bit of fiddling, the regeneration fluid drained from the tank.
Pheonix sank to bottom and then to her knees. The tube rose into the
ceiling, and Nabiki was there barely in time to keep Phoenix from falling
on the floor.
"Akane? Akane, it's me, Nabiki, your sister. Akane? Akane, please,
wake up." Phoenix's eyes fluttered, and they opened slowly.
[So tired,] she said. [Dala, why-] Then she noticed that the person
holding her was not the Healer. [You! Who are you?] Phoenix began to
struggle against Nabiki's hold. [Let me go! Help! Dala, where are
you?! Help me!] Fortunately for Nabiki, due to Phoenix's weakness, she
could not project her mind-voice beyond the confines of the room.
"Akane, please, don't struggle! I'm here to help you!" Nabiki tried
to hold the increasingly violent woman.
In the meantime, Ka'Dalanis had gotten a towel and the skinsuit, and
was standing a few feet away. [Please let her go! You're hurting her!]
she pleaded.
Nabiki pointed her gun at the Healer. "You stay out of this!"
Phoenix used Nabiki's momentary distraction to break the hold. She
rolled away from Nabiki and to her feet. She ended up in front of the
Healer in a combat stance. Phoenix felt her legs give out, and she fell
back into the waiting arms of Ka'Dalanis. The Healer wrapped the towel
around her and began drying off the thin film of regeneration fluid still
covering her body.
[Relax, Phoenix, I'm here,] said Ka'Dalanis reassuringly.
[Who is this? Why is she here?] demanded Phoenix weakly.
"I'm Nabiki. Don't you remember? I'm your sister!"
[Impossible!] Phoenix declared. [I am a Protoss warrior-]
"Don't be so blind! You're human!"
[The Protoss made me!] Phoenix stood still as the Healer helped her
into the skinsuit. [I will not go with you.]
"Akane-"
[Don't call me that! My name is Phoenix!]
"You're name is Akane, and you're my sister! You had another older
sister name Kasumi and a father named Soun. You were betrothed to Ranma
Saotome-"
[Silence!] Phoenix felt a dull pain begin in her head. [My name is
Phoenix, and I am a Protoss warrior!]
"Akane, please, talk to me."
[I am talking to you. And don't call me Akane!]
"No, I mean talk. Use you're voice, not your mind."
[Why?]
. [It...its been five years since I've heard your voice." Nabiki's
voice cracked on the last word. "The last sound...I heard was...you
screaming..."Nabiki choked back tears. Her voice waved as she continued.
"I still have nightmares, you know. Seeing your skin and flesh melt away
>from the Guardian's Acid Spore. Please, talk to me Akane!"
Phoenix stumbled towards Nabiki. [I told you not to call me that!]
Phoenix fell forward, slamming a fist into Nabiki's face.
The blow itself was not hard. Nabiki barely felt it. But the
emotional damage was considerable. "You...you hit me," Nabiki said in
disbelief. A tear trickled down her cheek. "You actually hit me." A
second fist hit her in the stomach, then a third in the face again. Again,
the physical damage was negligible, but the emotional impact was
devastating. As where Phoenix's words.
[Yes! And I'll keep hitting you until you leave!] Phoenix drew back
another fist, but was stopped by Ka'Dalanis.
[No, Phoenix. I think she understands now.] The Healer turned to
Nabiki. [You should leave.]
Nabiki nodded. She slowly faded from view.
Ka'Dalanis sagged in releif. [She's gone! Thank Adun!] She saw
Phoenix fall to her knees. [Phoenix? Are you all right?] Ka'Dalanis
moved quickly to her side.
[My head hurts. And I'm so tired.]
[There, there my child. Let's get you back in the tank.] Taking
off the skinsuit, the Healer helped Phoenix into the tank. Minutes later,
Phoenix was once again suspended in the regeneration fluid. Ka'Dalanis
put one hand on the tank and gazed up at her charge. Leaning against the
tank, she pressed her forhead against the glass. Her face was filled with
sorrow and regret.
[Oh Phoenix, I'm so sorry. May Adun forgive me.]
Nabiki ran. She did not want to be here anymore. She tried to force
the pain of rejection to the back of her awareness, but her usual iron
control had deserted her. She stopped and leaned against a wall trying
to halt the sobs that wracked her body. After gaining a measure of control
she ran to the outer wall and leapt on top. From there she, jumped off.
Unfortunately, she forgot about the Photon Cannons. They had emerged from
warp space by now and were activated by her presence. Alarms rang through
the Protoss stronghold and the cannons began shooting their deadly energy.
Nabiki managed to dodge several shots. She twisted, rolled and leapt over
several near misses. Making it to a ridge, she jumped up. A last photon
blast struck her in the side and her world became a blaze of light.
Other comments: A good chapter and fic overall, but a few things have been
bugging me about this fic since the beginning.
There's no charactizations. By that, I mean that you're relying on our
familarity with Ranma to make us care about the story. I'm not saying that's
bad, however, the way it's presented comes across as "The Protoss and Zerg
have invaded earth, Ranma, Nabiki and the other survivors are out to stop
them. La da da da da"
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no flash, no fire. You've
simply dropped them into this and took off. It hasn't really seemed to change
them that much.
Secondly, in the first chapter when the invasion took place you named the
invading units as though the humans knew what they were already. I would
suggest a rewrite so that the names are ommitted, or perhaps they overhear
the telepathic orders from the Protoss, naming Zerg units and orders for the
Protoss units. Or perhaps they get a hold of a Protoss communicator and then
simply watched.
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Keep/5268/Fanfic/fanfic.html
Agreeable Komodo
He who bought it, supplied it.
Just say yes to prophylactics.