ffml-bounce@fanfic.com wrote:
Heya ^_^
Hmmm... in the mood for a bit of C&Cing here and there!
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or any of the characters in Ranma
1/2, I am just playing with them.
I'm not at all against silly disclaimers... only that, c'mon, there has to be a serious one as well... we have a lot to owe to the original creators, since most of the great fanfic authors seem to create less-at-par orig fics, in comparison to the based-on-an-anime fic. We really must give them their due.
By the pool of the Drowned Sensei, part one
by
John-Martin Lotz
The steps up to the Tendo Dojo were miles high
and tens of miles long, there was a spotlight
at the top shining on me, a crowd of millions was
watching me and I knew that there was gallows
at the top. I smiled to myself as the vision
of a bad historical film popped into my head.
This was Nermia Ward, in twentieth century Japan,
and I was under some kind of weird curse. Shaking
my head to clear it of the images, I walked up
the few steps that separated the real dojo from
the street and me from the young woman who had
been standing by the door watching my wool
gathering.
Interesting style of description... a bit rather technical and boring at the start, but the bad historical film comment explained it why. JUst wanna remind you to _avoid_ describing things like a bad historical film ^_^
"May I help you?"
"Yes . . . Is there a man, I mean boy, I mean girl
. . . person named Ranma here?"
The young women
woman
I took a step back, the first question hadn't
been the last question I had expected -- this
one surely was, I had no idea how meeting this
Ranma person would be, but this was NOT it!!
Still I had to know the answers to my questions.
"No, not that either, There is something we
share, and it leads me to believe that there may
well be more that we share."
Haha... cool. A great play of the little technicalities of the Ranmaculture.
"Ranma NO BAKA, hit me. Please just try and hit me."
Akane the masochistic tomboy? Er... well, IMO though I'm against the cliche' Akane going berserk on Ranma, the statement above kinda feels, at least for me, quite "uuuhhh... who said that?" Yeah, I know they're sparring... but _please_ try and hit me? I think not.
"Slow and clumsy tomboy, Nyah"
OTOH, that's as cliche as you can get with Ranma... oh, you forgot the "!" on the end or something.
I looked at the sign advising challengers to
bloody hand to hand combat to go around to
the back gate and raised my eyebrow at the
young women, "My god, she's serious. What
have I gotten myself into?"
Er, try "and thought" or something, the "" is for speech, really.
"Ranma, you have a guest." she called out to
the combatants, who came to a halt looking at
me
Formatting... put that me back in the paragraph and put a period in it (I'm Jules, the nitpicker ^_^)
She looked at me as I reviewed our conversation.
"I apologize for not giving my name earlier, I am
Kiratso Tomoe "
Uh... his first name's Tomoe, right?
She bowed, "Tendo Kasumi, and this is my sister
Akane, and this is Ranma" indicating the dark
haired girl and the red headed one I was seeking I
n
in
turn.
I handed Kasumi the bag containing a bottle of scotch
Scotch? I presume the guy's Japanese, so why scotch? Why not sake instead? Was it imported or something? I dunno, but it seemed to like an extraordinary gift to bring unless by a foreigner or a person who came back from a trip or something... whatever. Maybe an explanation is in order.
I had brought, then studied Ranma -- who was, in turn,
studying me, "You wanted to
see me."
"?" instead of "."
I sighed and reached into my handbag, "It's easier
to show then
than... using spellcheck to check the words?
describe." I pulled out two thermoses
of water, one hot and
the other cold.
"Jusenkyo," he breathed, as the steam rose off the
water in the hot thermos.
Yes, he was the one. I poured the cold water over my
head. and . . . changed. In that other form I looked
up into Ranma's eyes and started to smile. That smile
froze, just like her eyes as she breathed, "You Bastard."
Waitasec... a while ago you were referring to Ranma as he, then she... goodness, I think you have to stick to one pronoun ^_^ (a problem I associated to Ranma fanfiction when I heard about it)
She screamed again, "You." and dove
at me.
My God! It's the spring of drowned Happossai!!! I can almost imagine the horror of that since that ep. with Copycat Ken!!!
I didn't think, I didn't have the time. I just reacted.
Before I has fully aware he was attacking me, I found m
stray "m" over there...
myself first in a courtyard, then 30 feet in the air,
slapping Ranma backwards into a Koi pond.
"Oh my." I heard Kasumi say as she handed me the hot
thermos and I reverted to my real self. Just about
then Ranma struggled out of the water and headed toward
me. Next I found Kasumi between us. "Ranma, stop!."
Ranma halted and she handed him the rest of my thermos,
which she had grabbed from me.
I cinched my disarrayed kimono tighter as Kisumi
continued, "Ranma, 'hot' water changed her into a girl,
'cold' changed her into that man."
Ah... so at first she was a "she" then she became a "he." But why not put in a bit of a hint of her being a girl at the first stanza? It doesn't make sense to put it off until here.
Ranma, now male, put down the rest of the hot water and
gaped, and I had to ask, "Ranma, whose body is this,
Obviously you know it."
He looked half ready to hit and half to cry as he said,
"My father's and it's dead."
? It's?!? He was in panda form?!? (I strongly suggest "he")
He spun away from Kisumi
Kasumi
and stalked off.
You "stalk" someone (that's why we have "stalkers") but usually you just "run away" from someone when taking a leave or something.
Before He got two steps, he halted and not facing me
he started talking. "I lost control, I apologize.
You see, last time I saw that body, I buried it."
Oooohhhh... a girl who fell into a spring of drowned Genma... hmmmm... I dun see yet what you're trying to set up here, but so far I see this as just a mere curiousity set piece... sure, there would be drama and stuff, but other than that what would a girl resembling Genma when splashed in cold water do? It was not frame and bulk, but the absolute idiocity of Genma that made him such an impactful character in Ranma 1/2.
I could see Akane, hands over her mouth, collapse
against a man who hurried out of the main part of
the house. Another girl hurried up, no doubt drawn
by the noise of the short fight.
"How did you trace me here?" he asked.
"With all due respect, tracking a stacked, red
headed, martial artist across China to Japan is
not really all that hard."
If she's really a girl, and she's being all that respectful, I dun think she'd say stacked. Redhead would do, as well as well built or something. Stacked seems to be something Hiroshi and Daisuke would say.
He snorted at that.
"Actually, the crazy guy who pulled me out of
the pool told me that the person whose body
I at times wear was accompanied by a young man
who fell into the pool of the drowned young girl.
He described both forms to me."
He snorted again, presumably at my attempt at delicacy.
Yeah... "she" talks like Ranma :)
"Please, how is it that this body is so good at
fighting. It reacts before I can think. it also is
not very popular."
Yeah, you could say that :) Oh my god... it's another Genma hate-fic that the author would vehemently say as anything but... I remember Genma's Daughter's first chapters all over again ^_^
Everyone was staring at me, mostly and Ranma, some, as
I continued. "I spent a lot of time during these past
three months in this body. It a lot safer being a man
than a girl if you are crossing China alone."
The other girl who had shown up, didn't ask the
obvious, why a lone girl was in back country of
China.
back country in China? What is that? A bit akward, IMO.
I would have hated to start off lying to them
too early.
Instead, picking up the discarded bag with the bottle
of Scotch, she peered inside, quirked an eyebrow, and
asked, "Not popular?"
"Yeah, the Abbot of the Wudong Monastery threw a
dead cat at me."
dead cat? I dun understand.
Now he was definitely smiling, "How many of them
collapsed of the shock?"
I dunno exactly what you're going at here... mind explaining what does dead cats, the wudong dynasty and collapsing out shock has anything to do with scotch?
There was a brief pause, then, "When I buried my father,
there was a post card in his pocket, addressed here.
Tendo-san said I was to marry one of daughters. Do
you know anything about it?"
So we shall know about Ranma 1/2 in its aftermath without Genma... but what would be the point in killing Genma after his doing of most of the major stuff to Ranma (catfist, Ukyo, etc. etc.)... and considering the fact that Genma did little during his residence in the Tendo's, his death _now_ has little or no impact in the storyline. What exactly are you driving at?
I shook my head.
"No, I seem to have some of the reflexes that your
father had, none of the memories."
Exactly... with that, what would be the whole point in this fic? _Though_ I would be reading this, just for the sake of getting to know the point of it all :)
That can be a literary technique as well! You're evil! ;)
end part one
jml
John-Martin Lotz, MCP
johnl@tomatoweb.com