Hello, Morgan!
Finally! I was beginning to think I'd have to take you out of my "Faster
Than Hell Writers" list... ^_~
I know, this one took a bit longer than usual. I'm back in school now, and
on top of everything else I was sans Internet for about a week somewhere
in
there. Not to mention that my Inbox decided to eat the last dozen or so
messages I sent before shutting down. (shrugs) Ah well, c'est la vie.
Ah, to keep the international approach (and seem wise and cool, too ^_^),
I'll quote a very famous Spanish poet:
"De vez en cuando la vida,
te besa en la boca.
De vez en cuando la vida,
juega contigo..."
^_~
As most of you know by now, this is the place where I beg and plead for
C&C.
So... (clears throat) Please send me some replies to this, okay? My muse
feeds on C&C, and I'd be ever so grateful! Even if you just wanted to say
"hi", I'd appreciate it. My address is quite prominenly displayed in
several
places here (the "From:" line, the "Cc:" line, my title), and I've been
told
that pressing the "Reply" button works, too!
Um, so many choices... I shall do them all! (no hentai jokes, please--I now
know how Brian felt ^_^)
Okay, for anybody who actually thought I'd bother with dignity instead of
a
chance at replies, you're obviosusly new here. ^_^
Hey, I'm one of those ones that actually agree with you here!
But that doesn't mean I must stop making fun of you, ne? You can return the
favour after me next plea. ^_^
In that case, I recommend that you check
out my earlier story arcs in Ronin Summer. They can be found at
http://dataraven_659.tripod.com/roninsummer.html
and at
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Underworld/4709/roninsummer1.html
Visit this site, FFMLers; be wise. Here you'll be able to read many exiting
and very well-written stories--some of my favourites, actually. If you don't
know much about YST, you'll find lots of interesting info about the
characters, too, which will probably help you to enjoy the story even more.
Previous chapters of Dark Crusade are available on request, or at Joy
Lyn's fanfiction archive, at
http://www.geocities.com/animecrossovers/
Yes, very good site, too. For those of you who like crossovers, this is your
place.
Okay, that's that. Now let's get on to the story!
Gee, and you said my notes were long-winded... :-p
It's mostly just action,
but I snuck in a tiny bit of plot while I was at it.
Plot? Who needs that? I want action! ^_^
Enjoy! ^_~
Always!
Of course, remember these comments only reflect my opinion, nothing else. If
you happen too disagree, or realize I'm downright wrong, fell free to delete
this mail. So, Neo, buddy, which are you going to choose, the blue pill or
the red one?
Say Bye to Slow Internet!
I'd love to, but it's the only kind of Internet available down here... ~_~
OBLIGATORY LEGAL DISCLAIMER : Some of these guys aren't mine. The
Sailor Senshi belong to DIC and Kodansha, while the Yoroiden are owned
by Sunrise and Graz Entertainment. Okay? So don't bother suing me. I'm
a student.
This "poor student" act is getting old, m'friend. If they sue you, pay them
off with all that money you get from your fans! ^_^
Chapter Ten : Scattered Pieces
Heh. Mysterious, suggesting title--my kind of title. ^_~
However, there's something I've been meaning to talk you about for some time
(especially after K'thardin's last C&C, where I believe he spotted the same
thing). Namely, that space you leave before colons. You once told me you
placed spaces there so as to make it easier to read. Well, in spite of that,
I'm pretty sure this isn't the right way to do it. In any of the books I've
read so far I've seen them, and I've read some. If you want to play by the
rules, I'd drop them...
Maybe that's just me. *shrugs*
Takenoko grumbled to himself as he trudged through the
underbrush and tried not to tangle his horns in the overhanging tree
branches. Shit jobs. Why did he always get the shit jobs? Everybody
else is busy getting ready to move out, and where was he? Stuck looking
for two kids who were too damn stupid to actually stay where they'd
been put. And worst of all, they were making him do it with-
You told me on your answer to my last C&C that you hadn't used an hyphen
near a dash to avoid confusion. Why don't you just use "--" for a dash
instead of "-", which might get confused with an hyphen? A suggestion, only.
Sorry if I'm getting to technical. Don't think I've forgotten about the
story!
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Sailor Icestorm grabbed
his horns and swung down to dangle in front of his face. The elfin
girl was ostensibly there to act as his eyes, since Takenoko had the
same poor vision that cursed his entire race.
ICESTORM: Wait. If I've got a perfect vision, what do I need him for?
TAKENOKO: You're the eyes, I'm the brain.
ICESTORM: Aaaah...
"No," he snorted, "we're not there yet. Get back on my
shoulders, and tell me if you see anything."
"'Kay!" Icestorm chirped, and somersaulted onto the giant
youma's back. "I see something!" she reported almost immediately.
"Really?" Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "What?"
"Trees!"
...You're making a great job if you want us readers to sympathise with
Takenoko. I'd have killed her at that very moment.
Takenoko stopped in mid-step and fought the urge to pound the
dim-witted Storm Senshi until she actually had a thought in her head.
He couldn't resist for long, though, and so pounded her for hours on end. As
the formerly-evil clone wondered why the world was spinning so rapidly,
Takenoko asked the fateful question: "DO you have a thought in you head
now?"
Poor, old, naive minotaur.
Unfortunately, he had better things to do that year. "Do you see
anything OTHER than trees?" he asked quietly.
"Yup!" Icestorm nodded furiously. "I see bushes, and rocks,
and squirrels, and- oh! Hi, sis!"
Sailor Thunderstorm plummeted from the tree canopy and landed
gently on the ground in front of Takenoko. The tall brunette in the
emerald fuku looked almost uncomfortable. "Uh... Hi."
"Aren't you supposed to be back at camp?" Takenoko squinted at
the girl suspiciously. To be more accurate, he squinted at the blurry
green shape he ASSUMED was the girl.
THUNDERSTORM: Er, Takenoko? That's a bush you're talking to.
TAKENOKO: *blushes*
THUNDERSTORM: Gee, is there anyone in this universe with a poorer vision?
MOUSSE: Shampoo! *glomp*
THUNDERSTORM: Get offa me!
"Uh... No?" Thunderstorm began playing with the long ponytail
of brown hair that hung over one shoulder. "I mean, maybe, in theory,
we were supposed to stay behind and let Icestorm head off by herself,
but, well..."
"We got lonely," Sailor Lightstorm explained as she emerged
from the underbrush and dusted a few dead pine needles off of her
golden fuku. "We're not used to being by ourselves, and we kind of
figured nobody would notice if we kept an eye on the little dullard.
I mean, she's OUR little dullard, and we don't want anything happening
to her!"
Yep, every good family must have a dullard. Mine, for example, has got me!
"Gee," Icestorm said, wiping her eyes on the back of her
glove, "that's, like, the nicest thing you've ever said about me!"
"Yeah, well..." Thunderstorm folded her arms across her chest
and began staring at her shoes. "Don't let it go to your head, or
nothing. I'm only here because Lightstorm made me come!"
O_O
...must ...not ...make ...hentai... jokes...
<MINI-SNIP>
"I was GOING," Takenoko rumbled, "to say that she's fine. So
Um, this doesn't look like the right place to put the narrative cue. Try:
"I was GOING to say that she's fine," Takenoko rumbled. "So...
get the hell out of here, and back where you belong!"
LIGHTSTORM: The castle?
ICESTORM: The cloning chamber?
THUNDERSTORM: My old sempai's room? ...Wait! That's not me!
"Can't," Lightstorm said cheerfully, wrapping one arm around
Thunderstorm's shoulders. "Our intrepid navigator was so busy worrying
about her baby sister that she forgot to keep track of where we were.
We're lost."
THUNDERSTORM:For the emptieth time: we AREN'T lost. We just don't know where
we are at the moment.
ICESTORM: My big sister is, like, soooo clever...
Icestorm hugged her arms around Takenoko's thick neck and
squeezed with all her might. "Can they come with us, Mister? Huh? Can
Does she call Takenoko "Mister" regularly? If she doesn't, I think it'd be
"mister".
they, can they, can they?"
<ANOTHER MINI-SNIP>
Jun Yamano yawned and tried to stretch his arms. For some
reason, his left arm seemed to be stuck. Deciding to solve that
problem later, he lifted his right and rubbed his eyes. He really
shouldn't have stood guard while everybody else was sleeping: he must
have dozed off, himself, after that big argument with...
This commas aren't needed, I think, and disrupt the flow of the sentence.
I'd drop them if I were you.
But I'm not, so... ^_^
Uh-oh. Jun looked over at the pale young girl leaning against
his side, with her head resting on his chest. Well, that explained
what his left arm was pinned under. Jun began to panic as he noticed
just how dark it was. Hotaru's parents were going to kill him.
Both are alone in a dark, dangerous forest... The perfect place for our
favourite Lemon scene! :-p
"Hotaru?" Jun waited a second, then tried again, gently shaking
her shoulder with his free hand. "Hotaru, you gotta wake up! We fell
asleep!" Oh, man, he worried, what if everyone was already looking for
This "he worried" doesn't seem to belong there... Maybe that's just me.
them? What if everyone had already left? He was pretty sure none of the
Masho would be willing to stand around waiting on him. "Come on,
Hotaru!"
But they would certainly be willing to wait for a Senshi capable of
destroying the entire dimension.
"Hmmm?" Hotaru slowly opened her strange violet eyes and sat
up slightly, stifling a yawn as she combed her fingers through her
soft black hair. "What's going on, Jun?"
JUN: I can't move my arm! IT'S ASLEEP!
"Trouble." Jun glanced over his shoulder. There was something
undefinable about the forest that had changed while they slept. Part of
Typo: indefinable (I think)
it could be that he was alone and defenceless in an alien dimension,
after dark, surrounded by things that probably wanted him for dinner.
Nah, Jun decided, and shook his head. Reaching over, he scooped up a
dead tree branch that had broken off of the trunk he and Hotaru were
leaning against. It had a good heft, and was pretty long. It would do,
until he found a better weapon. "We'd better get back to the guys," he
whispered, and Hotaru nodded.
"You're right," she whispered in response. "There's something
about this place, Jun... I don't think I can explain it, but it's
just... WRONG." Her eyes began to glow purple as she clutched her
henshin. "Saturn Planet Power..."
Be careful with the ellipses. If you use them to much, they'll lost their
significance.
"No!" Jun hissed, and lunged at the girl in an attempt to swat
her henshin wand out of her hands.
"MAKE UP!"
MAKE-UP ARTIST: Going!
HOTARU: Jeez, I've waited for half an hour. Where've you been? Do you think
I can fight evil looking like this?
The entire forest exploded in a brilliant purple light.
Blinded, Jun stumbled back and landed heavily on his rump as Hotaru,
glowing like a signal flare, lifted into the air and began to spin.
Oh wonderful, he thought as he rubbed his eyes, she's STROBING. Soon
Oh, wonderful...
enough, the transformation completed, and Sailor Saturn landed softly
next to Jun.
"What's wrong?"
JUN: I've just realized I'm the Senshi of SILENCE's boyfriend... I think
infidelity is pretty much out of the question for me.
Jun slowly sat up. "You Senshi aren't too big on stealth, are
you? Every living thing for about a jillion miles must have seen that!
Jillion? Colloquial term, maybe? Or is a typo?
If there wasn't anybody after us before, you can bet there is now!"
With an exasperated groan, he began looking around. "Now we REALLY
need to get out of here. Honestly, don't you have any common sense?"
Brave words, Jun, but please remember she can destroy the world (and what a
good show it would be ^_~).
"Don't talk to ME about common sense, Jun! At least I'm not
the one who keeps running off to fight battles any sane person would
realise they have no hope of winning!"
Um, the problem is, he may not have a chance of winning againt Pedri, but
he's done a very good job defending his friend until now.
<A COUPLA PARAGRAPHS, ONLY>
"Hotaru?" Jun barely had time to lift the branch he was
carrying, knocking aside one of the creatures as it flew at him. The
giant insect (or whatever it was) bounced off of an old elm tree and
Um, why don't you try to include the parenthetical statement into the
narrative? How? Well, I can't think of any possibility that doesn't force
you to make radical changes in the paragraph, but you could describe the
creatures in a separate sentence.
Or you could drop it all together. It's not important, and only distracts
me.
fluttered to the ground. Four more of its companions lunged at Jun,
who barely dodged a scythe-swipe that would have parted his hair
right to his neck. Swinging the branch like a club, he swatted the
nearest of the things in its eerie, triangular head. One of its waving,
feathery antennae snapped off, and the creature's pincer-like jaws
swung open as it squealed in pain. Another of the things drove one
of its bladed arms into Jun's shoulder, and the boy dropped to his
knees, groaning in pain as he struggled to beat off the bug. Blood
began to seep through his dark sweater as he struggled to reach the
branch he had dropped. Jerking his head to the side, he was scarcely
able to avoid the snapping jaws of the thing that held him.
VERY good description. I'm there--seeing how Jun gets beaten to a pulp. ^_^
Another
of them jumped on top of him, and he fell to the ground.
However, you might want to change this sentence a little, as you already
used this structure in the same paragraph.
Yes, I'm being picky, and yes, this is a nitpick. But, hey, your prose is so
good I see myself forced to be picky. ^_^
There was a sudden explosion of purple light, and the bugs
were hurled across the clearing. In mid-air, they unfolded their
gossamer wings and began to flutter back towards Jun, only to bounce
off of thin air in an explosion of sparks. Hotaru, her sailor fuku
torn and a grim expression on her face, looked over at Jun.
"There's only one more thing I can do, Jun," whispered Hotaru, her voice
full of regret. "Sorry."
"Wha--" Jun's eyes shot open as his girlfriend began speaking once again.
Her first word was a fateful one.
"DEATH..." Hotaru lifted her staff, and energy started gathering around it.
Soon, she was holding a spear of purple fire, and the nearby trees were
bathed in the dim, unreal light it casted. Shadows danced across the forest,
and the insectile creatures stopped their attack, suddenly wary.
"REBORN..." Silence reigned, and Jun's shouts were drowned by Hotaru's
power. Silent battles (TM ^_~) were fought in that same forest, as many
fought to stop the unstoppable.
"...REVOLUTION!"
"Huh?" said Utena intelligently.
^_^
It'd be great, I know it. More, much more, if _you_ write it. A fan
awaits...
"Silence Wall," she explained, and Jun simply nodded, gasping
for breath. Holding his arm against his side, the dark-haired young
boy shakily rolled onto his feet and grabbed the fallen tree branch.
It had broken when he struck that one in the head, he noticed, and
felt the jagged edge of the branch. Just as well; it would be easier
to use one-handed if it was shorter.
Heh. Always looking to the brighter side of things, I see...
JUN: I can't move one of my arms... Ah, who cares? One less thing to worry
about.
Damn, but he wanted his sword! The insectile creatures were
pounding rhythmically on Hotaru's force field, and the raven-haired
girl was beginning to tremble with the effort of maintaining it. At
least if he had his blade, Jun thought, he could put up a better
fight. Some twisted old branch wasn't even a suitable replacement
for his bokken. First chance I get, he decided, I'm getting a decent
weapon.
Foreboding, maybe? Magical weapon of sorts...
Nah, it'd be too easy, and if I read you right, you want to make thing for
Jun as hard as possible.
The nearby scrub erupted, and a huge black form lunged into
the seething mass of insects, swinging fists larger than Jun's entire
head. Fluttering behind the minotaur like some a human pennant, Sailor
Icestorm squealed merrily and hung onto his horns for dear life.
Thrown clear of the massive youma's head when he stopped and turned
suddenly, the blue-haired girl gleefully somersaulted into the midst
of their foes. Long blades of ice formed from the palms of her hands,
and she giggled as she cut a swath through the bugs.
ICESTORM: This is, like, a real carnage. *giggle* I'm, like, totally kicking
ass. *giggle*
Lightning crackled, and five of the nearest mantis-like
creatures were incinerated. Sailor Thunderstorm leapt over towards the
Hotaru and Jun, landing in a crouch in front of them as she stared at
"The Hotaru and Jun"? I think you missed something here. If you didn't, drop
the "the".
the enemy still racing towards her. Her hands were enveloped by
intricate webs of electricity, and she thrust them above her head. Her
large green eyes closed, then opened, lightning pouring from her pupils
as she snarled and lowered her hands again. Like a living thing, the
lightning burst out of her hands in a massive, undulating wave of
electricity, curving and swaying as it burned through the forces
before her.
Someone placed their hand on Jun's uninjured shoulder, and
he jumped, looking behind him. With a smile, Sailor Lightstorm gestured
to the forest behind them with her thumb. "You two mind getting back
to camp, already? You're sort of in the way, here."
Jun looked back and forth between Lightstorm, Hotaru, and the
battle. "B-but... What about the fight? Don't you need help?"
LIGHTSTORM: Now that you mention it, yes, we could use some help. Why don't
you go to the camp and get the others?
JUN: ...
LIGHTSTORM: Ah, you meant you? Er... *giggle* Y-yes, I... *giggle* Sorry...
*giggle*
"Nah," Lightstorm said with a wide grin, "we've got this all
wrapped up. But thanks for caring, sweetie!" Lightstorm winked and
blew a kiss at Jun. Hotaru fought the unexpected urge to kick her in
the teeth.
...But she didn't fight the urge to throw a "Silence Glaive Surprise", and
that was the end of Sailor Lightstorm.
"You heard her, Hotaru! Get out of here!" Jun grabbed Sailor
Saturn by the wrist and pulled her to her feet, pushing her in the
direction of their camp. Startled, Hotaru let the last shimmering
remnants of her force field dissipate, and the horde of insectoids
swarmed after them, hitting Lightstorm like a wave crashing against
the shore. With a dazzling smile, the blonde woman lifted her hands
and sent a rapid flurry of energy bolts into the midst of the throng,
sending them back.
"Really, boys," Lightstorm said mockingly, "can't you do ANY
better than that? I'm going to get bored, soo- OH!" Her eyes bulged as
one of the glossy black insects flashed past her, blades swinging.
She turned just in time to see a thick mass of golden hair swirling
away on the breeze, and reached behind her with one hand, numbly
feeling the ragged edges of her now shoulder-length hair. "Okay," she
seethed, eyes glowing red, "now I'm upset. Come here, you little
TWERP!"
Heheheh. Never mess with a woman's hair.
<SNIP>
Something very large clamped down on Vyne's left leg. Something
equally large clamped around the back of his head, and he suddenly
found himself becoming much friendlier with the ground than he had ever
intended. Crap, he thought, as he tried to breathe topsoil, forgot
Drop the comma after "thought".
about the blasted minotaur behind me. That was pretty damn stupid.
"I'm not very happy," Takenoko snorted, and placed his knee
against the small of Vyne's back. The smaller man's spine began to make
a rather unpleasant creaking sound. "I think I'm going to tie you
into a bow knot. Or possibly a sheepshank. And then, I'm going to pluck
Um, I don't have a clue what a "sheepshank" is, but this sure sounds
painful.
off all your little black feathers and FEED THEM TO YOU."
<OH, YEAH>
Nasuti Yagyu lay on the ground, staring up at a monster. It was
huge, looming at least seven or eight feet tall, and covered with
small, pebble-like scales. Its black colour made it all but invisible
in the darkness, while the strange mottled pattern of coral pink
swirled and almost glowed. A pair of beady eyes glared malevolently at
her, and a mouth larger than most of her body gaped open, exposing
countless sharp and curved fangs.
Tytoung licked his chops. The fear radiating from this female
would be sure to make her particularly delicious. Adrenaline was the
ultimate sauce, he reflected as he stepped closer to the frail little
creature. She looked so soft, so tender... he would make a lovely soup
Caps: He would...
out of her, or maybe a stew... Drool dripping from his open jaws,
he took another step closer - and suddenly jolted to a stop. Growling
deep in the back of his throat, the lizard turned his torso and lowered
his head, peering under his arm with one baleful eye.
Naaza grinned and gestured with his head towards the thick,
broad tail he had both of his arms wrapped around. "I'm sorry," he
said pleasantly, "is this yours?"
Tytoung snapped his tail like a whip and the armoured Masho of
Poison was sent hurtling across the battlefield like a cannonball.
Crashing into a tree, the green-haired man bounced off and flopped
onto his chest, eyes shut.
"Naaza!" Anubis ducked under the slashing scythes of the insect
he was grappling with and glanced over at the motionless Masho. Ramming
his no dachi into his opponent's abdomen, he sent it flying into a
crowd of its fellows. "Are you well?"
NAAZA: Well, most say I'm nuts, but other than that...
<IT'S NOT MY DAY...>
"That's Tytoung!"
"Ty-who?"
Um, wasn't "Tytolung" his real, formal name? Seeing that Nasuti only heard
about him in ancient scrolls, I'd think that would've been the name she
found.
Besides, it'd give Tytoung another reason to get angry... ^_^
NASUTI: That's Tytolung, one of--
TYTOUNG: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
NASUTI: Uh-oh.
"He's one of Pedri's pantheon! The god of hunger!"
Naaza blinked. "Well I'll be damned, and twice on Thursdays! A
god, is he? Never killed one of THOSE before..." He shrugged. "Guess
there's a first time for everything." Raising his voice, he taunted
Are they really gods? If that's the case, what would "Mother" be? A gods'
Goddess?
Tytoung, who had finally regained his footing and was charging towards
the two with an earth-shaking roar. "Hey, Spunky! What the hell's
TAKING you so long? I'm gonna have to go play with someone else if this
is the best you can do!"
"You pathetic, simpering CRETIN!" Tytoung bellowed, throwing
himself at Naaza with claws and teeth bared. "No mere human can defeat
one of my kind!"
Naaza met Tytoung's claws with his katana and smiled, baring
fangs of his own. "And who the hell," he hissed, "said I was HUMAN?"
Glancing over his spiked epaulet, the Snake Masho called out to Nasuti.
"Run for it! That way! I'll keep the walking suitcase off your tail!"
"N-Naaza..."
"Don't worry! I'll find you later! Just run!" Turning back to
Tytoung, Naaza kicked his opponent in the crotch. As Tytoung doubled
Tytoung's crotch? Now that's a mental image I _never_ wanted to have. ~_~
Wonder what Tuls thinks about him... ^_~
over, the Snake Masho kicked up and caught his toe right under his
enemy's chin. Tytoung flipped onto his back like a well-turned pancake,
and Naaza cackled triumphantly. Tytoung's tail swept up and smashed
into the side of the Masho's head, knocking him to the ground as well.
"Damn," Nasuti heard Naaza mutter as she fled, "if you can hit
like that, this might actually get fun... C'mere!"
Heheheh. I love this guy. Nazza rules! ^_^
**********
"Well," Rajura said calmly as he stepped to the side and let
a flying body hurtle past him, "this is most expected." Another of the
seemingly limitless enemy lunged at him, and the Spider Masho killed
Um, I think we had this discussion before... "Enemies" instead of "enemy".
it with a single flick of his wrist, catching it by the neck and
twisting its head off before it even saw him move. "I knew we had
stayed here too long."
<MINI-SNIP>
"SUBMARINE REFLECTION!"
"URANUS SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" The twin blasts merged and
swirled around each other, slamming down the attacking creature's
throat and leaving it an empty husk that broke into ash the second
it touched the Senshi. Rajura clapped.
RAJURA: There's no such thing as "overkill", Rajura sez.
"Haruka-papa! Michiru-mama!" Clad in the purple and white fuku
of Sailor Saturn, Hotaru burst into the clearing. Her uniform was torn,
and she was bleeding from several shallow cuts on her arms and face.
Seeing her adoptive parents, the girl began to run towards them.
"Hotaru!" Haruka called, sitting up and hurling the Space
Sword, "DUCK!"
...Sword. "DUCK!"
or
"Hotaru," Haruka called, sitting up and hurling the Space Sword, "DUCK!"
Sailor Saturn obliged as she had been trained to do, throwing
herself to the ground as the glowing sword whirled through the air
above her and beheaded the insect that had been preparing to attack
Horaru from behind. Still spinning, the blade returned to Haruka's
hand, and the two Outer Senshi raced over to where their daughter lay.
"Are all right, honey?" Michiru asked, cradling Hotaru's face
in her hands. "Are you hurt? Let me see you..."
"I'm fine, Michiru-mama." Hotaru brushed aside Neptune's hands,
turning to the grim countenance of Sailor Uranus. "Jun, and Takenoko,
and the Storm Senshi... There were all kinds of..." She broke off,
tears welling in her violet eyes. "They said I had to come and warn
you, Haruka-papa! They said they'd catch up, but they never did!"
"It's okay, Hotaru," Haruka said softly, hugging her daughter
and pressing the girl's head against her chest. "Michi and I are going
to keep you safe, no matter what. It's going to be okay."
"I'm sure Jun is fine, honey," Michiru offered, placing her
hand on Hotaru's shoulder. "They're probably on their way here right
now."
Yeah, right. That's like when your parents talk you about Dog's Heaven...
The only dog that went there was my Rockie, I swear! :-p
<SNIPS ARE EVIL... I LOVE 'EM!>
Kayura looked around expectantly. "Where's Naaza? Has anyone
seen him?"
SETSUNA: Yes, I have.
KAYURA: Where is he?
SETSUNA: Oh, you meant recently? Sorry, all these time handling can get
confusing...
Anubis nodded as he placed one hand on the young empress'
shoulder. "Already gone," the Wolf Masho explained, "bolted into the
bushes and headed south for some reason. That huge lizard man was hot
on his heels, too."
Setsuna sighed. "Naaza, of all people, can look after himself.
Let's go." And with that, while their enemies battled phantoms, the
Outer Senshi and the Masho slipped away into the night and ran for
their lives.
Unfortunately, even the vaunted Masho of Deception couldn't
fool somebody if he didn't know they were there. So, high above it all,
a pair of emerald eyes narrowed dangerously and a pair of ebony wings
tilted, sending their owner veering off to glide leisurely after his
fleeing prey. Vyne had spent millennia working under a brother he hated
and wished to replace with every fibre of his being. Tenacity and
patience were old friends of his.
VYNE: I never got on well with Success, though...
**********
The forest eventually thinned out, and Haruka gasped as she
splashed into knee-deep water. The river was frigid, and Michiru
slipped on the slick rocks, nearly falling under the surface of the
water before Haruka caught her by the wrist.
"Keep running!" Anubis' voice echoed through the night. "Head
downstream! The water will get rid of our scent!" The sound of
laborious sloshing and splashing suggested that he was practicing what
Typo: practising (AmE --> BrE)
he had preached, so Haruka bit her lip and kept wading. The water got
waist deep very quickly, and somebody cursed under their breath. The
sounds of the battle were already faint, buffered by the trees and
underbrush of the forest, and drowned out by the roar of the river.
There was a muted splashing sound, and something gurgled.
Haruka paused and remembered several of the horror movies she loved
watching. Not so much because she enjoyed them, but they scared the
hell out of Michiru, and having Sailor Neptune latched onto her was
pretty much Haruka's definition of a good night. At the moment,
however, she was wishing she had paid even less attention to the damn
movies, because all she could think of were pirahna, and mutant
Typo: piranha
crocadiles,
Typo: crocodiles
Thanks for putting them close to each other, Morgan! :-p
and big, slimy things with lots of tentacles...
KAYURA: Ah, no, wait. The last one came from my collection of hentai
manga...
"Uh," she said softly, "there isn't anything in this river that
might want to eat us, is there?"
O_O
You mean, like a fanboy or something...? ^_^
"Probably," Anubis' voice responded from the inky blackness,
"but I doubt any of them are up yet. Most predators are nocturnal."
"Most" being the key word here...
The water began to boil, and Sailor Pluto suddenly shot into
the air, wrapped in a tentacle. Clutching the garnet orb resting atop
her Time/Space key, Setsuna enveloped her body in a shining ball of
red energy, and Haruka saw exactly what was going on. It wasn't a
tentacle, it was a tongue, and six more were writhing towards Kayura
and Michiru. The very tips of the underwater predator's jaws were
poking above the water surface, and Haruka could barely make out
several rows of serrated teeth as she drew the Uranus Space Sword.
Kayura remained surprisingly calm as the prehensile tongues
lashed around her arms and waist, hauling her into the air with
Setsuna, whose Garnet Ball force field was proving rather hard to chew.
"Anubis," the young woman said passively, and the Wolf Masho snapped
to attention.
Wow. I think I hadn't seen that technique before. The Garnet Ball force
field, I mean.
"As you command, my Empress," he said calmly, and leapt towards
her, drawing his blade in mid-air. Silently, he soared past the
writing ropes of muscle, red satin cape flapping behind him. At first,
Typo: writhing
<SNIP>
Vyne soared through the air like an arrow from a bow, arcing
across the night sky with only an occasional, powerful flap from his
gigantic wings to keep him propelled. The air currents were doing most
of his work: he preferred to save his energy by gliding.
Wouldn't it be "most of the work"? Or is it the same? Um...
Clutched firmly in his talons, the young raven-haired girl
struggled fruitlessly in an attempt to escape his grasp. Vyne allowed
himself a triumphant smirk as he stared down at her with his faintly
glowing green eyes.
"Don't worry," he said in as civil a tone as he could muster.
"I'll let you go soon enough." Turning his face forward, Vyne watched
as the cliff edge drifted closer. "In fact," he added, "I think I'll
just let you go right now." Swinging his legs in front of him, he
released the girl and watched as she flew, shrieking, into the cold
night air. Arms and legs flailing, she hurtled over the cliff edge like
a well-hit baseball, plummeting into the darkness. With the satisfied
Okay, but well-hit baseballs usually don't travel downwards...
smile of a man whose job had been well done, Vyne swung back around
and headed back towards the others he had been following. After all,
he reasoned, Pedri only said he wanted the Masho alive. It was only
prudent to take care of their lackeys first.
<BAAAD LATIN_D>
Vyne flew down and circled the area. The girl looked dead to
him, and her would-be saviour had fared much worse. Clad in purple
armour, the man with the eyepatch was lying where he had fallen, well
clear of the river. Draped over a large rock, his arms and legs splayed
at awkward angles as his head slowly lolled to one side. With the
satisfied smile of a man whose job had been well done, Vyne swung back
around and headed back towards the others he had been following. Two
Ugh. At the end of the previous scene you wrote:
"With the satisfied smile of a man whose job had been well done, Vyne swung
back around and headed back towards the others he had been following. After
all, he reasoned, Pedri only said he wanted the Masho alive. It was only
prudent to take care of their lackeys first."
I'm sure you notice the repetition of the sentence. Maybe you should move
these sentences to the end of the chapter, and rewrite the last scene.
down, he thought to himself, and chuckled as he soared away.
**********
To Be Continued...
Three words I always love to hear.
Well, pal, great work, as usual. Hardly any grammatical error, and the there
weren't almost typos, either (not that I care about those). In fact, I have
to apologize for the lack of comments, but your prose just gets better and
better. You're not making my work any easier, y'know? :-p
I msut congratulate you on the well-written action scenes. Very graphic and
lively, with very good descriptions. I can't wait to see Naaza and Tytoung's
fight--that's going to be good, I just know it.
BTW, what happened with Shutendoji? That's a subplot I'd found most
interesting, but you haven't mentioned him for quite some time now.
Hope this helps, Morgan! Now on to chapter 11, ne? ^_~
See you!
Latin_D