From:
"Felipe Sambrosa" <mygodamnself@hotmail.com>
| Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma] Gos part one
Date:
Wed, 13 Sep 2000 17:14:33 GMT
My comments@@
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest.
Disclaimer???
As your subject line indicates you are
basing this story on Ranma you should
give credit to Takahashi Rumiko for her
hard work and creativity.
--------------------
Gos part one.
--------------------
By Felipe.
Friday night.
Club Tatou.
Sensory overload.
TDSTDSTDSTDSTDSTDSTDSTDSTDSTDS...
@@??? What is TDS . . .etc. ?
Trusty mini digital camera in hand, I attempt to
navigate across the
sardine
packed dance floor as the deafening trance beat
threatened to liquify
my ear
drums. Kogyaru "Amuro"-style to my left, black faced
ganguro complete
with
ten inch platforms to my right, it seemed the Shibuya
fashion tribes
were
out in full dress uniform tonight.
@@formatting makes this difficult to read.
You might want to make the Japanese meanings clearer
from
context. Especially with so many terms in a row.
For instance, how many of your readers would know
that Kogyaru is one of several themes on the
gyaru(gal) look?
Kogyaru= young girls.
Or that Amuro style refers to pop singer "Amuro Namie"
also called "The Queen of J-Pop".
(girls who copy her style are called Amura or
Amrers.)
And how many would know Ganguro (black faces) is a
style
that is also called yamanba(mountain witch) and refers
to their
heavily tanned(mahogany shade) skin, platinum hair,
panda eyes,
high-rise platform shoes and thigh-length minis?
(If I hadn't been doing a lot of research for Sukeban
I certainly
wouldn't know.) AND I had to quickly refer to my notes
to figure
out what was going on.
Try to make the meaning clear from context.
Example::
On my left a kogyaru, like hundreds of other "young
girls"
was trying to be Amura. Trying and failing to emulate
the famous "Queen of J-Pop" famous tough-cute style.
On my right
a "mountain witch" was wildly gyrating with three of
her friends,
all individualistically identical with their mahogany
tans, platinum hair
and panda eyes. Snakelike I twisted through a mob of
angles in gingham
pantaloons with furry wings; cyber-geishas in PVC
kimono and a
hard phalanx of techo-goth divas, digital tears of
blood slashing an electronic
trail across faces painted corpse white.
@@This isn't the only way of course. But it
illustrated my point of
having unfamiliar terms self-referential.
The brazilian DJ, who looked so
strung
out on ectasy that his eyeballs were popping out of
his head, was
furiously
mixing as fast as his chemically enhanced reflexes
would allow him.
@@Better. Much clearer picture of what is going on.
So what am I doing at a place like this? Me, Hikaru
Gosunkugi, voodoo
master
and baggy eyed freak of Furinkan High. Well, why do I
always have these
bags
under my eyes? I love the clubbing scene. The Tokyo
clubs are probably
the
best in the world. Ever heard of a place in the city
called Shibuya?
Used to
be a broke down industrial neighbourhood a couple of
decades ago. A
real
dump. These days its the teen mecca, fashion, style
and trend center of
Tokyo, probably of all Japan. Yep, its my regular
haunt , amateur
photographer's paradise. High on the upskirt shot
potential, what with
all
those high school, uniformed enjo-kosai girls running
around.
@@ There is nothing to tell the reader that
"enjo-kosai"
refers to young girls accepting money from middle aged
men
for dates that sometimes include sex.
http://www.ishipress.com/enjoko-2.htm
It slows the pace of the story if the reader has
to keep running to reference book, the Net or
even author notes. The meaning must be
evident from context when you're using
unfamiliar terms. And you have to assume
that other than the most common Japanese
(hello, good by, idiot, etc) are going
to be unfamiliar.
But that's common knowledge, isn't it? Me and my photo
fetish. But
don't get
me wrong, I'm not like Kuno-san. I prefer taking the
photos. Wait for
that
perfect kodak moment. See, you don't look for a good
shot. It comes to
you,
totally spontaneous and candid, capturing the spirit
of that fucking
moment.
@@OK, not too bad. More than a little wordy
and the Japanese terms are a killer but it's got
potential. There's a certain enthusiasm for the
club scene and photography that comes through.
" . . .that fucking moment." seems out of place.
I find it jarring and inappropriate. While I've know
people who use profanity that casually there
_is_ a problem when using it in prose. The words
themselves loose all meaning. They become mere place
holders, leaving the writer with out an expletive when
needed.
Also, profanity in prose does not convey mood nearly
as
well as more prosaic descriptive phrases and action.
That's why I always carry around my kawaii little
Digi-Cam on my
frequent
excursions into kogal central.
@@ kogal??? <sigh>
Try:"
" . . .frequent excursions into Ko-Gal central."
(if you explain this specific usage earlier it could
work.)
OR
" . . .frequent excursions into �School Girl' central"
OR
" . . .frequent excursions into �Jail-Bait' central"
And so here I am, making my way across the writhing
mass of bodies,
trying
to get to the bar to score a decent drink before I
pass out from the
heat.
You probably won't recognize me right now. Not with
the fudged up,
crimped
hairstyle, astroboy shirt, flared girl jeans and
platform japtech
runners.
Funny how the way you dress and carry yourself makes
so much difference
in
the way people look at you. At school I might as well
be invisible. No
one
bothers to notice little Hikaru, snivelling and creepy
looking. But
here, I
could feel the eyes on me. The guys sizing me up while
the gals looking
me
carefully up and down. Making sure I've got the right
clothes, attitude
and
dough before they make their special move. Where'd I
get the money for
this?
Well, let's just say Ms. Tendo knows quality
photography when she sees
it
and she is after all, an astute business woman.
@@ Interesting. And well described. Although since "Ms
Tendo"
usually works 300 yen scams I'm not sure how much
money
Gos would be making. (Also, she usually �wants' money
and
she takes her own photo's) Unless this is an
absolutely unbreakable plot point I'd leave it out.
{One of the problems with writing fanfiction. You're
dealing
with established characters.}
Ah, the bar at last. "Hey man, gimme a Sub Zero
Cherry.", I shout
through
the din, a few inches away from the bar-tender's face.
I repeat my
order
when he signals back that he didn't hear the first
time. A feminine
drink
for a pretending-to-be-feminine guy. Girls these days
sure love their
"bishonen", which is another word for "pretty boy", or
more accurately
"feminine lad".
@@Good. I think you could have left it at "pretty
boy".
Teenage Japanese society had embraced this concept so
much
with open arms, that it turned into a culture by
itself. I know a lot
of
guys from school getting the whole treatment.
Chapatsu, plucked
eyebrows,
##Chapatsu???
shit , even makeup. All for the sake of getting pussy.
School
authorities
don't like it that much, but what can they do if
almost half of the
student
body is into the shit.
@@depending on the school, they can kick you out. ^_^
On their own time is one thing, during school hours is
quite
another. Although the plucked eyebrows
probably wouldn't cause much problem.
I honestly don't know what the girls find so
attractive about a guy trying to look like "that" kind
of kawaii, hell
I
don't care, but I've seen it work! So I decided to get
a piece of the
action, and that, I guess, explains my current get up
right now.
Certainly
wouldn't help my cause if I didn't keep up with the
latest threads,
certainly not in a fine establishment such as this.
How do I know all about this shit? I owe it all to my
ability to
listen,
learn, observe and absorb effectively, which in my
opinion are personal
qualities missing from the overwhelming majority of
Nerima's
population.
@@Ummm, OK. You've OD's on "shit", "hell", "pussy".
After a while it becomes noise. If I weren't C&Cing
I'd
probably bail out of the story at this point. It
really slows
the pace without adding anything to the
descriptiveness
or characterization.
Hey, a guy like me, no close friends, no
extracurricular activities,
I've
got lots of time on my hands. So I do what I do best,
I eavesdrop and I
take
photos. Very candid photos. That's the main advantage
of being ignored
most
the time. You're able to melt into the background and
people would do
things, say things around you that they wouldn't dare
do or say around
others.
@@Good, very good. Give insight into Gos.
What do I know? I know shit that'll make Nabiki's toes
curl. I know
Kuno's a
lot more dangerous and crazy than what everyone seems
to think. I also
know
his sister's a hammer junkie and on her way to rehab.
I know Ranma and
Akane
are fucking. I know Yuka and Sayuri are really GOOD
friends. I know
Miss
Hinako keeps a fucking massive dong in her office. I
also know that she
doesn't use it just on her adult form. The list goes
on and on...
@@ Hmmmm . . .let's try a little editing. Subtlety is
the key.
Example::
What do I know? I know shit that'll make Nabiki's toes
curl.
@@Now _this_ is an appropriate use of "shit".
Unfortunately you've overused it, so it's not as
effective.
I know Kuno's a lot more dangerous and crazy than
what everyone seems to think.
@@Good, but let's be a little creative . . .
I know Kuno's crazier than a pit bull with a weasel
chewin' on his balls.
OR
I now Kuno's crazier than a meth freak on a six day
high . . .
@@Give a more detailed picture of how crazy and
dangerous.
I also know his sister's a hammer junkie and on her
way to rehab.
@@Good as it stands. Especially if you give a more
detailed description
of Kuno. Then the stark picture of Kodachi is made
more stark by contrast.
I know Ranma and
Akane are fucking. I know Yuka and Sayuri are really
GOOD friends.
@@ Too . . .obvious. Try Subtle::
I know Ranma and Akane are good friends. I know
Yuka and Sayuri are _really_ good friends.
If you merely say . . . "Look at that brown dog."
It's over and done with. Boring. Stale.
However::
"Have you ever _seen_ anything
like that brown dog?" You let the reader fill in the
blanks.
I know Miss Hinako keeps a fucking massive dong in
her office.
I also know that she doesn't use it just on her adult
form.
@@Too blunt again. Subtle. Humor is also good.
"I know Hinako sensei does things to her child form
that are illegal in six prefectures. And physically
impossible
in two.
The list goes on and on...
Taking a swig and pulling out a menthol, I was about
to light up
when...
"Hi there. *hic*"
Ah, the Gods are so nice to me. Teetering platforms,
gray streaks,
honey-caramel colored foundation, mini-mini showing
off half her ass,
green tinted contacts, crooked smile, looking at me
like I was a hanging side
of beef... what the?
@@ Nice description.
However the sound-effects "*hic*" are
IMO, distracting and ineffective in this
situation.
"Gos? Goshun... Goshunkugi, is that you? *hic*"
Oh, fuck. What the hell is Nabiki doing here? And why
does she look
like a
yamanba? A hot, long legged, very fuckable yamanba.
@@OK, appropriate use of "fuck" and "fuckable"
This is why you should keep it to a minimum.
Save it for when you need it.
Yamanba???
I reach up and run my fingers lightly along her hair.
The gray fudge
comes
off and smears on the palm of my hand.
"How much of this crap do you put in your hair?"
@@Good. Again. appropriate use of "crap"
However you've got to be careful not to overload
the reader using "fuck", "fuckable" and "crap"
so close together.Decide which is most effective
and change the rest.
To my surprise, instead of having horror printed on
her face ,like I
was
expecting, Nabiki was giving me an appraising look.
Seeing me in a
whole new
light, it seemed. And liking what she sees.
"Nishe *hic* clothesh! Where d'ya *hic* shcore them
offff?"
@@ "*hic*" destroys the prose.
I also notice the almost empty, two liter shaker she
was cradling
reverently
in her arms, the distinct leaning to one side, the
half lidded eyes,
the
do-i-give-a-fuck expression on her face and the
unmistakably sweet,
oh-so-sweet Kahlua breath.
This is going to be MY night.
That perfect kodak moment just came. Hehehehehehehe...
"Hahahahahahaha..."
@@ Hehehehe . . .etc. and "Hahaha . . . ."
so close together bring the prose to a
screeching halt. Delete both as unnecessary.
In fact you can go directly from
" . . .just came."
TO
"Wutzo funny?"
"Noting, nothing." I chuckle softly.
The laughter is understood from Nabiki's comments
and from Gos dialogue.
"Wutzo *hic* funny?", Nabiki purrs into my ear.
"Nothing, nothing.", I chuckle softly. Who am I to
look a gift horse in
the
fucking mouth? "What're you doing here anyway? You've
never struck me
as the
clubbing type, Nabiki-SAN." I asked while blowing a
plume of menthol
smoke
into her face.
"...should be ashking you that *hic* question."
Tilting her head back,
Nabiki drains off what was left of her brew then
mournfully looks down
into
the empty shaker. "I alsho enjoy *hic* spending money,
ya know *hic*.
Not
jush makin' it."
@@Well, she enjoys spending _other_ peoples money.
Could have fooled me, biyatch.
"Buy us a drink Gos! I'm, after all *hic* yer boss!"
"Heh. I'm off duty, chief. It ain't school hours."
"Aw, cooome ooonnn Gos!", she softly whines in a way
that make me want
to
cream my pants right there and then.
You asked for it Nabiki. "You reckon you can keep up
with me?", I
inquire.
Nabiki licks her lips then nods with her tongue
hanging out of her
mouth.
"Cuz' I'm not buying if ya can't, honey."
"Two double scotches, on the rocks.", Nabiki hiccups
into the
bartender's
ear. Turning to me, she smirks drunkenly. "What were
ya *hic* shaying."
Heh. "I think you've got some admirers.", I point
towards a group of
Larc~En~Ciel lookalikes, who were practically drooling
at the sight of
so
much leg and ass that Nabiki was putting on display.
Who would've known that old Nabs is such a fucking
tease. She dips her
finger into the whiskey, coyly turns around, places
her finger into her
mouth then slowly pulls it out towards their
direction. She then starts
bouncing lightly to the speedball beat of the music.
Gods, the look on their freaking faces.
@@Very nice description and characterization.
(except for all those darn "*hic*" :( )
I reach into my pocket and pull out my "magic potion".
While Nabiki's
preoccupied with her public charity show, I pour a
little something,
something into her drink. I guarantee this'll be a
night to remember.
@Ohhhh,. ^_^ Nice segue into his
upcoming suicide by stupidity.
"Here, drink up. I've already finished mine.",
grabbing my whiskey, I
hurriedly make a show out of pouring the entire drink
down my throat.
Nabiki blows one last kiss to her captive audience.
"Gimme, gimme!"
I watch in morbid fascination as she tilts her head
back and sucks down
all
the brew in one go. Sure half of it was dribbling down
her top and
between
her tits, but I was impressed nonetheless. With some
difficulty she
finishes
it off like a good little girl.
"Smile, honey!"
Letting out a little gasp, Nabiki turns sluggishly
towards Mr. Digi-Cam
and
gives me a smile that was positively garish.
*CLICK*
Ding. Ding. Ding.
@@??? And "Ding . . .etc. signifies what?
As soon as the cocktail of alcohol and chemicals hit
her brain, she was
down
for the fucking count. Eyes rolling to the back of her
head, Nabiki
lets
loose a cackle remeniscent of a certain gymnast and
envelopes me in her
wonderfully toned arms.
"Heeheeeheeeheeehehohohohhahahaheheheee."
Hmm. Looks like its time to go. I look directly into
her eyes and hold
her
in my gaze for a few moments. "Nabiki, do you want to
go?" I ask slowly
and
carefully.
Nabs looks like she just kissed the sky. "...ummmm...
o-kay..."
"Do you want me to come with you, Nabiki?"
She smiles at me like a half dead fish. "...uuuhh...
yeah..."
"Are you sure, Nabiki?"
"...yeah."
"Okay. If you insist." I put an arm around her
shoulders then hoist her
to
her feet. Somehow we manage to stagger out of the club
and into a cool
summer night.
@@Wonderful description of a sociopath. Very nicely
done.
I'm so lucky. I gotta cousin living on her own. She
has frequent
overseas
business trips. She leaves me the keys to her
apartment.
Time to get this show on the road.
-------------------
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
"Nabiki... Nabiki, take your top off."
"mmmkay."
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
"Very good. Your such a good little girl! Goooood
little girl!"
*CLICK*
"Who's your daddy, Nabiki? Who's your daddy?"
"heeeeheehee... your my daddy! Gos!"
@@Nice. And the sound effects work nicely here.
"Yes, that's right, isn't it little hey-hey. Gos is
yer daddy! Now, now
daddy wants little hey-hey to take her panties off.
Can you do that for
daddy, baby?"
"Yeah! Yeah!"
Sure enough, Nabiki takes her knickers off and stands
there in front
like a
ten year old with a finger in her mouth. Nice bush.
I put the camera on automatic.
*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*
I hand Nabiki a cute stuffed teddy bear.
"Now, Mr. Bear's hungry. He hasn't eaten all day. He
wants little
hey-hey to
feed him. Can you feed him little hey-hey."
Nabiki tenderly takes the stuffed animal into her
hands. She regards
Mr.
Bear sadly. "I don't have any food to give you Mr.
Bear." she
mournfully
says, genuinely concerned about Mr. Bear's welfare.
Suddenly she grins
crazily, obviously getting an idea. "Ahhh, but you can
eat thiiis!"
To my fucking disbelief, Nabiki lays down on the bed,
spreads her legs
and
mashes Mr. Bear's face where the sun don't shine. I
almost drop my
precious
camera in utter shock. "Holy SHIT!"
@@Don't need "Holy SHIT!"
Understood from context.
Better to go directly to camera "Click Click . .
.etc."
*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*ZZZZZZZT...
Sigh. Outta film. All good things must eventually come
to an end.
@@Don't need Sigh.
"Looks like our times up little hey-hey. Its time for
you to go home.
It's
late and your sisters'll start to worry."
"Awwww!", still under the influence, Nabiki whines but
obediently
starts to
put her clothes back on.
"Now, I don't want you to stop anywhere or talk to
strangers. I want
you to
go straight home. Straight home, do you understand
little hey-hey?"
"Yeeeeaah.", she replies in the kawaii-est little girl
voice.
"That's a good girl. Now hurry, I think its going rain
soon. Bye."
"Bai-bai."
I grab her panties from the bed and stuff it down the
front of her top
before she walks out the door.
"Bye-bye little hey-hey!"
Little bitch.
Hehehe.
-------------------
end Gos part one.
@@Ummm, actually . . .just end of Gos. Bye Bye, do not
pass go, do not collect 200 Yen. ^_*
Overall C+
Good idea and very, very good description in
places. Overuse of Japanese terms, profanity and
sound effects brought down the quality.
Has potential and I'd like to see a re-write.
As for part 2 . . .^)^
Nabiki: "Akane<sob> it was awful. He took advantage of
meeeee!"
Tokyo TV: "And on the lighter side, an emergency
proctology team from the USS Nimitz spent six hours
today
trying to remove a camera from . . ."
OR
Nabiki: "Ryouga . . .it's awful. He had p . .
.pictures
of Akaneeee!"
Tokyo TV: "Tragedy struck today when a comet
vaporized the home of Gos . . ."
OR
Nabiki: "Oh god Ranma . . .he said Akane was next . .
."
Tokyo TV : Today a freak cyclone swept a school boy
out to sea. The Maritime Defense Force is conducting a
search
but has found only fragments of bone and . . ."
Good luck on your next project. ^_*
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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