"Felipe Sambrosa" <mygodamnself@hotmail.com> wrote:
Anywun wanna fucking kill me now?
Nope. Just gonna tell you what I thought of the fic. Contrary to what
some people seem to think, this has never killed anyone. :-)
To start off, one minor mechanics problem that I noticed was the
double-punctuation of quoted dialog. When ending a quote, use only one
punctuation mark, which goes inside the quote marks. If you'd normally
use a period but there's a 'he said' or similar thing, use a comma
instead. Question marks and exclamation points are used as normal.
WRONG:
"Are you interested in clubbing too, Akane?", he asked.
RIGHT:
"Are you interested in clubbing too, Akane?" he asked.
"Sure," she answered. "Hand me that baseball bat."
As for the story, well... this kind of "secret lives" story just about
always has believability problems, at least for me. I have a hard time
reconciling the Gosunkugi here with the semi-likeable wuss shown in the
manga. If he's so suave and confident with women, why does he go to
pieces in Akane's presence? Why hasn't he used his drug on her,
considering that he did try to win her over with magical paper dolls?
IMO, a cure for this problem (yes, it's an actual constructive
suggestion; I hope I don't lose my Vicious Critic license for this)
would be to set your story some time after the end of the manga, showing
us a Gosunkugi who's changed over the years. This would help reconcile
some of the things he tells us that obviously aren't true in the manga,
like Ranma and Akane fucking. It could also help make it a more
character-development oriented story, as Gosunkugi thinks about how he's
changed; perhaps he feels a regret over his loss of innocence that he
can't even understand, since after all he has everything now that he
wanted back then -- doesn't he? This depends, of course, on whether this
is the kind of story you want.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html