From: TendouNabiki@webtv.net (Hair Care Productions)
To: leif_wj@yahoo.com (Leif Johnson)
CC: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [C&C][Ranma/Spaceballs] The Authors Must be Crazy
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 02:44:01 -0600 (MDT)
I am a bit out of practice when it comes to detailed C&C, but this fic
just stands out to the point that a simple "Keep up the good work" won't
suffice so here it goes.
-----
I know I'm insane, you don't need to tell me.
... and there's no need to tell us, Leif.
{When writing silly or unexpected crossovers, insanity tends to add to
it, so I would say that is a good thing.}
Most of my favourite authors seem to be somewhat warped. It's
definitely not a bad thing.
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 Belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, Spaceballs belongs
to... I dunno, Mel Brooks? Anyways, their not mine. I'm borrowing them
without permission for my own, non-commercial uses.
Besides, Mel Brooks (or whoever) did it first ...(and for commercial
use too).
And so we have a fanfic that is a crossover with a parody, which is
actually quite ambitious, Leif. You have to add your crossover gags
without spoiling the original parody.
Dedicated to: Gnu Be
The Authors Must be Crazy
by Leif Johnson
{I like the title, but the obvious pun on "The Gods Must Be Crazy" seems to
have nothing to do with a Ranma/Spaceballs crossver or the story of this
particular fic so far.}
True, Akihiro, but can you think of a good title that would fit;
besides, say, "Hairballs" or something?
A long, long, long, time into the future,
(which means this hasn't happened yet, but just might) in a galaxy
within eyesight, Chaos was stirring. But the soup had just finished, so
further stirring was unnecessary.
A race known as the FaceFaults was facing
a looming threat. Unable to assume a defense, they were soon assaulted
with sweaters.
{Great jokes there (the looming one took me a mite, but I'm tired so
what the hell). Also, love the name. I can't wait to see the FaceFault
Salute!}
There was a shortage on Planet FaceFault,
a dangerous one. The race was rapidly losing its supply of hair.
It was known that the peaceful planet
'Do-idia had a large supply of hair, and the FaceFaults immediately
began scheming to take that supply from them.
{Unless the FaceFaults are masters of scalp and/or hair transplant
techniques, it might work better to say that the 'Do-idians have a
supply of dagon whiskers that they use to grow their hair long (since
you are using Ranma characters, why not an item or two). That's my
thought anyways. Oh yeah! Again, good name!}
Nah, they're just planning to use a spaceship that will transform into
a giant, electric-shears-wielding principal then shave all the hair off
of the planet so that they can make wigs.
But, they needed the combination to the lock on the planetary shield
The planet is surrounded by a giant hair-net?
surrounding 'Do-idia, and decided to capture Princess Vexed,
{Presuably Akane. It suits her.}
who was about to be wed to Prince Nyquil, the last remaining prince in
the galaxy.
{Still not sure on this one. A cast list would be nice.}
Well, since Prince Valium (of Spaceballs) wasn't a main character
there's no real need to replace him with one. He's just a named extra
and barely made an appearance after all.
Planet 'Do-idia would soon wish it had
never been heard of by the race that caused unwanted facial bruises
every time one uttered their name.....
"Colonel Hibiki!"
The man with a yellow and black bandanna
that, for some reason, he had begun wearing fully over his head,
{This brings on two different mental images to me. One of Ryouga with his
bandana tied gangster style over his head, the other with it tied under his
chin like a bonnet. While both are quite amusing, I can't >help but wonder
which you intended.}
I'd say that the intended mental image was of Ryouga going bald and
trying to keep it under cover.
turned and glanced down at the man busily working on his terminal.
"Yes?" he inquired.
The man looked up at him and blinked. "I
didn't say anything," he said, creasing his brow.
"Yo! Colonel! Over here!" the man shouted
from behind Hibiki.
{Okay, you used "the man" for the guy at the at th computer. It may be
kind of confusing to some for "the man" to suddenly be behind him.
Recommended: "another man shouted..."}
He turned and glanced around at the other men, an embarrassed look on
his face.
He quickly regained his posture and said,
"Yes?"
{The word "posture" doesn't feel right in this context. I would try
"composure" instead.}
"You told him," he said pointing at another man, "to tell
him to tell him to tell him to tell me to tell you when we were
approaching planet 'Do-idia."
"So?" Hibiki asked, shrugging.
"We're approaching planet 'Do-idia."
{Heheh.}
"Oh." Hibiki scratched his head and
glanced out a view port. "Of course."
Suddenly, klaxons blared and a trumpet fanfare was heard.
Lights flashed and a holographic helmet flickered around the ceiling
before disappearing.
"All rise in the presence of Thunder
Helmet," Colonel Hibiki said, not-so-proudly. The door at the end of the
room began to rise slowly, revealing a tall man standing there, dressed
in a blue and black Kendo outfit with a black cape dragging on the
floor. An enormous samurai helmet sat atop his head, with a visor that
had one-way glass covering his face.
{It's just scary how well Kunou and Dark Helmet merge together! Great
job!}
Casting Kuno as Darth Vader is quite common in the Ranma/Star Wars
crossovers that I've read, but he
_really_ works as a Dark Helmet.
He walked proudly between the row of computers, ignoring the
nervous-looking men standing to his sides. Reaching Colonel Hibiki, he
nodded curtly and reached to lift his visor. When it refused to budge,
he shoved harder. Losing his temper, he smacked it with his fist. It
flew up and he rammed his fist into his face, falling backwards. The men
snickered.
{You could _not_ have done that intro better! Absolutely hilarious!}
He stood up angrily and thundered, "Hey,
shut up!" The man placed hands over their mouths and tried to ignore his
bloody nose and black eye.
"Good. Now, I heard that the Planet
'Do-iddysomething is in sight. I'm gonna alert President Scourge."
Thunder Helmet pulled a cell phone shaped like a sword hilt and flipped
it open.
"I've already alerted him, sir!" Poor
Foolish Idiot announced. Thunder Helmet turned on Poor Idiot with anger
clear on his face. He slipped his visor down over his face.
{That doesn't feel right when you mention "his face" in consecutive
sentences. You may want to try something like "Thunder Helmet turned to
Poor Idiot with anger obvious on his features before he lowered his
visor hiding his face from view."}
"You dare attempt to go over the helmet of
the GREAT THUNDEROUS FACEFAULT!" No sooner had he uttered these words
than he lurched forward and slammed his face onto the deck. He quickly
stood up muttering about the curse of their race.
{*chuckle*}
A man in the background held up a cardboard cutout of a lightning bolt.
"Um... I... didn't... mean to...." Idiot
stammered, cowering. Hibiki rolled his eyes, while Thunder Helmet
reached under his cape and pulled out a water bottle. "Aw, shit!" Idiot
cried. "Not that!"
"Yes," Thunder replied ominously, slapping
down his visor, "that."
{Continuity check. He put the visor down a few paragraphs ago, unless
the facefault made it go back up. If that's the case you need to make
that clear.}
So saying, he popped up the top and sloshed some water over Idiot. Idiot
gasped as he felt the dreaded transformation wash over him. He slapped
his hands to his crotch and let out a tortured scream.
{This doesn't feel right to me. I realize this is most definitely an
alternate universe, but Kunou is still Kunou and he couldn't figure out
about curses when it was demonstrated right in front of him. Having him
use a curse as punishment, while amusing, doesn't seem plausible.}
Nor does it quite work. Wasn't the original Spaceballs' gag at this
point of Dark Helmet using the Schwartz to squeeze ... a bit lower than
Darth Vader used the Force. Replacing it with Jusenkyo Spring Water
spoils the original gag.
In keeping with the hair-fetish of the rest of the fic, Leif, you might
do better to have Kuno draw his bokken and "strike-strike-strike" the
Poor Idiot bald - a truly horendous fate and it would establish why
Thunder Helmet is feared. (Anyone can pour water.)
Hibiki smiled and shook his head. The
discovery of the Spring of Drowned Eunuch had done wonders for
discipline, as well as striking terror into the hearts of planets
everywhere. That is, if planets possessed hearts. Hibiki scratched his
carefully covered head. He would have to have someone look into that...
Thunder Helmet turned to face Colonel
Hibiki. "Now that that poor, foolish idiot has been taken care of, how
much closer to Planet 'Do-idia are we?"
Hibiki shrugged and gestured to the exit.
"You'd have to check the radar."
{Hibiki: Right this way. <Takes Thunder Helmet by the arm and drags
him out the door>
An hour later...
Thunder Helmet: Colonel Hibiki! Are you certain the radar is located
in the ship's galley?
Hibiki: Oh, is that where we are? Then it must be right this way...
Thunder Helmet: Forget it! We have to find our way back to the bridge
in time for our next scene!}
Or Leif could have had Ryouga lead him to the Mr. Coffee machine
instead. Then to Mr. Snackbar, Mr. Sandwich, Mr. ... and eventually
finding Mr. Radar only after visiting every other near identical
machine on the ship.
"Daddy," Princess Vexed said anxiously to
her father, who was decked in the finest velvet and silk dougi in the
land. "Do I really have to do this?"
{That transition was kind of sudden. You might want to use something to
divide sections of your story. I use *** with a double-space before and
after, but you need to find what suits you best. Just a suggestion.}
And a very good suggestion it is, Akihiro. Please do something to
indicate a scene break, Leif.
King Tendo nodded. "Of course! He's the
only prince left, and you have to marry a prince! Besides, his family
owns the largest hair-care company in the galaxy."
"But I don't want to!" she cried
indignantly, stamping her foot. A faint cracking sound could be heard.
{Akane doesn't stamp her feet, she stamps peoples' heads.}
"Ve... vexed...." Tendo said, tears
welling up in his eyes...
{Yes, she seems to be.}
"You HAVE to!" As he said the last bit, he burst into tears. "The school
of Anything-Goes Hair Styling must go on!"
Vexed sighed and rolled her eyes in an
irritated manner. King Tendo swiftly recovered and called for the droid
of honor. "Hot! Hot Babetress!"
{I'm sorry, but that name is just corny.}
Yes, but so was Dot Matrix, the original character's name. What
can you do to make fun of that?
But it is a pity the 'Do-idians couldn't come up with a more hair-care
oriented name like maybe ... nah, who'd give anyone a name like
Shampoo? :)
The droid swiftly bounced into the room,
showing off the most developed technology in droid-making, among other
things. "King call? Is wedding already?" she inquired, glancing at the
princess's dress.
"Of course! Starting on the left... or is
it right? Ve-"
"Forget it, daddy!" Vexed grumbled, angrily striding
forward. The king was hard pressed to keep up. "Here Comes the Bride"
was speeded up to four times the original speed to match the princess's
pace.
{I'm not even sure if "speeded" is a word. I think "sped up" or
"rushed" would sound better.}
Prince Nyquil bore a happy, dreamy
expression on his face as he seemed to watched the princess with a
half-lidded stare.
{Still not sure who from the Ranmaverse this . Maybe Daisuke or
Hiroshi?}
Nah, leave him as a nameless extra. Valium was a nobody anyway.
But if you really need to, think of him as Hikaru Gosunguki; nobody
notices him anyway.
The priest, seeing this, quickly nudged him awake.
"Here comes Princess Vexed, knocking the
groom's lights out, throwing me into the organ, and punching through the
wall," the priest announced clearly, passing out after finishing.
{Definitely Akane. Heheh!}
"Vexed! No!" King Tendo cried, rushing
through the newly formed doorway.
"Aiyah! What Princess do?" Hot cried,
rushing after her.
"Just get in!" Vexed shouted, jumping into a getawa- er,
conveniently-located space car, and hitting the 'launch' button. Hot did
as she was told.
"Veeeexed!" Tendo cried, leaping after the
car. Before he got very high into the air, however, he was tackled by
one of his counselors. "What did you do that for?!" the king shouted.
"But your majesty!" the counselor cried in
a stricken voice. "What if you got exhaust in your hair?"
"Oh," said King Tendo, blinking. "I guess
you're right."
{King Tendou: You go after her then! <picks up the counselor and throws
him the direction of the departing vehicle>
"Princess?" Hot inquired, staring at her
from across the cockpit. Which, of course, wasn't really all that big.
"What you do that for?"
"Because," the princess replied, "I hate him."
"Oh," the droid said, blinking. "Won't you get in
trouble?"
Vexed shrugged. "Maybe. What's the worst that could
happen?"
"Haircut?" Hot suggested, absently fingering her own
flowing artificial hair, which was nearly identical to the real stuff.
{Yes, the dreaded "Un-'Do"! 'Do-idia's version of capitol punishment!}
Vexed shuddered, reaching back and feeling her own short
hair. "No, not again. He wouldn't be able to deal with it."
Ahem, you messed up another of Spaceballs' gags, Leif, and this one
would have gone perfectly with yours. You should have had Vexed reach
up to her hairdo, which was coiled up like two bagels attached to the
side of her head, and detached them, revealing that they were actually
headphones disguising the ultimate humiliation (on 'Do-idia) of a bad
cut.
The faithful droid nodded in agreement, recollecting how
it took all of the king's self control, as well as 592 pounds of
concrete, to keep him from stopping the punishment.
{Here's another sudden trasition.}
"Eh? Of course there's no shortage of
hair! Yes, of course of I'm sure. Yes, I'm positive. Yes, I swear by the
Holy Face Bruise.
{*chuckle* Good one.}
Yes, I'm glad you know the truth, too." The president slapped the phone
into the cradle and muttered, "Ingrate." Leaning back in his chair, the
two-foot-high man stretched and yawned. After glancing around quickly to
make sure no one was watching, he pulled one of the tufts of hair from
the side of his head and scratched an itch it had covered. Suddenly, the
view screen on his office wall flickered to life and he quickly slapped
his hand to his head, fearfully staring at the face that had appeared.
"President Scourge," the woman said
briskly, ignoring his obscure pose, "We have word that Princess Vexed's
car is within range. Would you like to step onto the bridge to view the
happenings?"
{Awww! No FaceFault Salute. What a let down.}
"Why sure, my pretty little... mind if I
call you Ucchan?" Scourge said, grinning lecherously. The woman frowned,
and Scourge had to jump back quickly to avoid the giant spatula that
swung down from the ceiling. As it raised back up, he snatched a panty
that he had dropped under it. "Why thanks, now I don't have to iron
these!"
Lieutenant Kuonji stared bug eyed at the
undergarment, then cried, "Hey, that's mine!" She quickly regained her
composure and pushed a nearby shiny, red button. The spatula crackled,
then promptly turned Scourge into charcoal.
{I can't imagine the leader of the FaceFaults allowing something like
this oversized spatula of doom to be installed in his office.
Especially when it has so much potential to endanger his well being.}
It was explained to him as a security measure - and of course it was.
The women of FaceFault felt much safer after installing the various
instruments-of-doom all over the planet. All of the giant mallets,
spatulars and brooms made Scourge's nightly panty raids more like a
game of 'wack-a-pervert'.
Terminating the connection, she turned to
the rest of the crew and ordered, "When the president is feeling better,
please lock him in a safe with a view port so that he may view the
capture of the princess without causing any trouble."
"Aye, sir!"
{I think that Ukyou would _definitely_ have something to say about being
called "sir". And again with the transition.}
"Sir, Princess Vexed's shuttle is right in
front of us!" one man cried, pointing out the view port. Thunder Helmet
turned to the window, while Colonel Hibiki turned to the bathroom.
"Excellent!" Helmet cried, jabbing a
finger forward. "Fire a warning shot across her bow!"
"But sir," one man said, peering out the
window. "It doesn't have a bow."
"Eh?" Hibiki said, scratching his head.
"Why not?"
"It's a Mercedes, sir."
"So what DOES it have?!" Thunder Helmet
thundered from under his
helmet at the informer.
"Well, it has two drink holders,
all-leather interior, a CD player, AM/FM radio..." the man said, ticking
off on his fingers.
{Very good! I like your sense of humor.}
Thunder Helmet and Colonel Hibiki smacked him across the head.
"I meant, instead of a bow!" Helmet
roared. Hibiki smacked him across the head.
"Stop roaring and thundering in my ear!"
he grumbled, poking his left ear.
Helmet was about to reply when he saw that the lasers were
going everywhere except at the car. So were the rockets, fishing nets,
and cows. "Hey!" he shouted, lifting his visor. "Who's wasting our
livestock?!"
"Sorry sir, doin' the best I can!" one man
said, turning around. Helmet and Hibiki saw that long chains hung from
his sleeves and were intertwined with all the controls in front of him,
and thick glasses were perched on top of his head.
"Who is he?" Helmet demanded, whispering
to Hibiki.
"Mousse, sir."
"No, he's not."
"Yes, sir, he is."
"I can see clearly-" Helmet started
angrily.
"Now your hair is gone?" Hibiki finished. Helmet snapped
his teeth together and glared at the colonel.
{I catch the pun on "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone," but there
didn't seem to be anything to bring is on. Perhaps if you'd set it up
that Thunder Helmet used to have trouble seeing because his hair was in
the way and Hibiki is makng the oun from that. Or if Mousse has
suffered from the hair shortage that is plaguing the FaceFaults <tries
to picture a bald Mousse>. It could work either way to make the joke
fit the story as well as being just word-play, but if it's the latter
you might try "Now his hair is gone" instead.}
"Don't do that! I mean he's obviously a
FaceFault-" *WHACK* Helmet quickly jumped up and wiped the blood away
from his nose. "NOT a moose!"
{Heheh.}
"That's his name, sir. And it's Mousse,
not Moose," Hibiki informed him.
{If it were anyone other than these two I would say it would be
sufficient just to say Mousse is the name, but both parties involved
here are rather dense at times so I'll let it slide.}
"Eh?" Thunder inquired, tilting his head
to the side.
"It's Mousse, not Moose, as in close, not clothes, or
heir, not air," Hibiki explained.
{I don't quite agree with the close/clothes example as many people
(myself included) actually pronounce the 'th' in 'clothes'. Perhaps
here/hear would better suit your purposes. Also, I think the commas are
a bit in excess there, but since I'm pretty bad with mechanics myself
I'm not going to try and tell you how it should be.}
Thunder Helmet scratched his helmet in obvious understanding. "Well, who
made him a gunner, anyway?" he asked, glancing over at the man who was
still waiting for an order.
"I did sir," another man answered, talking
to a coffee machine. "He 's my brother." He too had long robes with
chains hanging from the sleeves and oversized glasses on his forehead.
"How many Mooses do we have on this ship,
anyway?" Thunder Helmet inquired helplessly, looking around.
{Gunner: Actually, sir, the plural of moose is moose as you are trying
to use it.
Thunder Helmet: <shakes water bottle threateningly> Did I ask you?!
Gunner: No, sir! Sorry, sir! <checks to make sure he's still all
there>}
"'Lo!" said nearly all the men in the room
as they stood up, facing all different directions, all of them with
glasses on their foreheads and loose sleeves.
"Great," Helmet said in an exasperated
tone, "I'm surrounded by Moose!" Shrugging, he lowered his visor. "Keep
firing, Mooses!"
{Transition.}
Vexed and Hot jerked in surprise as
lasers, rockets and farm animals flew past them.
"Aiyah!" Hot exclaimed. "We is shotting
at!"
{That doesn't sound right, even for Shampoo. Recommended: "We being
shot at" or "Someone try shoot us"}
Vexed wondered for a second why they could create a droid that was
nearly impossible to distinguish from a human, but they couldn't make it
speak properly.
Vexed quickly reached for a phone and
dialed her home number. "Why can't I just escape from the planet in
peace?" she lamented, while Hot shook her head.
{This transition is a lot better with the "Meanwhile" to introduce it,
but if you redo the others as suggested you may want to rework this so
it matches. Your story, your choice though.}
Meanwhile, in a Flairmobile,
{This may just be me, but I have no idea what a "Flairmobile" is. Is it
something like the RV that Lone Star had on the real Spaceballs? I
would think more detailed descriptions are in order.}
It's not just you, Akihiro, I've no idea what a Flairmobile is either.
(Then again, I had no idea what a Weinebaggo was either.)
a young man was asleep at the wheel. It's not such a big issue in space,
as there's not really much to run into. He was awaken from his slumber
by the ringing that signaled an incoming video call.
{"awakened"}
Try: "awoken"
^
"Pop..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Pop!" he called, louder.
In the back of the Flairmobile, a panda
was practicing a kata in a small room with posters of Ling-Ling all over
the walls. He had the word "Belch" dyed into the fur of his chest.
{Two things here. First, is the panda body just a curse & Genma really
is still Ranma's father? If not, you may want to have Ranma actually
call him 'Belch' instead of 'Pop'. Second, the only Ling-Ling that
comes to mind off hand is Lung-Lung's sister (Linlin and Ranran for
those prefering Japanese names), and I think Happousai is the only
person in the Ranmaverse that is etchi enough to plaster his walls with
picures of little girls. You may want to be more specific if I'm
incorrect here.}
My guess would be that Belch is Lone Stallion's royal father incognito,
fitting somewhat in with Spaceballs' plotline. If so, he still would
probably be called Belch by L.S. in public, but maybe not in private.
Hearing the boy's voice call him from the front of the bus, he stopped
and grunted in frustration. He lumbered up into the cockpit and flicked
the "Receive" switch.
The image of a tanned man in large red
sunglasses and a small palm tree on his head appeared. [Whoops,] the
Belch's sign read. [Wrong switch.]
"'Ey, troublemakahs, 'ow you doin'?" the
man greeted cheerfully.
"Whatta ya want, Ninny?" the boy inquired impatiently.
{Definitely fits! I have always thought that Kouchou was a ninny.}
"Oh, but it not 'bout what I wan', it what SHE wan',"
Ninny said, pointing to the side. The view scrolled over to reveal a
woman sitting on a pile of velvet cushions with a wine glass in her
hand.
{You might try making a new paragraph after "pointing to the side" as it
is in reference to a different source of action. If you said "Ninny
scrolled the view to reveal..." it might work as one paragraph.}
"BAKA THE HUTT!" the boy exclaimed,
Belch's sign bearing the same message.
"That's BIKI!" the woman shouted, then her
eyes widened as a hair flew out of place.
{*chuckle* You find all the right spots for these, that's for sure.}
And here's a case where Leif's gag replaced the "Pizza the Hutt" gag
perfectly. Twice even.
She snapped her fingers, and a servant instantly appeared with a tray of
hair-care products.
{Is it just me or does the entire plane of existence have a really bad
hair fetish?}
"Any way," she said drolly, "If it isn't Lone Stallion and his partner
Burp."
[That's Belch.]
"When will you two be delivering the money
which you owe me?" Biki inquired, ignoring the sign. She casually held
her hand out for a manicure as she waited for a reply.
"Aw, we'll get the ten-thousand to you
next week," Lone Stallion said off-handedly, smirking.
"A thousand?" Biki questioned with raised
eyebrows.
{Biki might need a hearing exam. I thought Lone Stallion said
ten-thousand, not _a_ thousand.}
"Haven't you ever heard of inflation? If you factor that in, you owe
me..." She stopped and placed her pinky to her lips. "One
hundred-million spaceyen."
{Thank you, Dr. Evil.}
"One hundred-million!?" Lone Stallion
cried, jerking backwards. "Are you crazy?"
{Biki: You must be kidding! Rich people aren't crazy, we're
eccentric.}
It's an irregular verb: I'm an individual, you're eccentric, he's plumb
crazy!
"Of course not, dear," Biki said, sipping
from her drink. "Why do you ask?" She held out her hand and Ninny
instantly handed her a coconut with an umbrella and stray in it.
{I think you probably meant "straw" instead of "stray" unless a
wandering feline has found its way into the drink. Hmm... <Absently
wonders whether Lone Stallion had the 'benefit' of Neko-ken training> I
would also suggest pointing out that the screen goes blank at this
point; the next sentence feels awkward. I also think this next sentence
should start a new paragraph. You could, however, merge this line with
the following paragraph about Belch without it being too strained.}
Lone Stallion and Belch stared at the now-blank screen.
Belch's sign pretty much summed up both
their thoughts right then. [Shit.]
Stallion nodded.
Just then, the ringing started again, and
Belch hesitantly flipped the switch. To their relief, it was only a
king. A king?
"Please, Lone Stallion!" King Tendo cried,
tears pouring from his eyes. "My daughter needs your help! You're the
only one who is close enough to rescue her!"
Stallion held up his hands. "Waitaminute,
back up. Rescue who from who?"
"My daughter from the FaceFaults!" *WHAP*
[The FaceFaults?] *WHACK* Belch's face accidentally hit a button,
and King Tendo's face was replaced by a war scene, the Ewoks versus the
Pokemon.
{LOL! I did _not_ see that coming. Good one! I can just imagine...
Satoshi: Pikachu, Thundershock!!!
Pikachu: Pika...CHU!!!
Wicket: <barely evades the electrical bolt then hurls his spear> Cha!
Pikachu: <dodges the projectile then stick out his tongue> Chuuuu!
Nyase: NYOUCH!!!
Musashi: <winces as she looks away> That looks rather...
Kojiro: Uncomfortable? To say the least.}
Quickly hitting the button again, and the king returned.
"I don't know," Stallion said carefully,
"About that. After all, I am number one on Thunder Helmet's hit list.
And you know what happens to his victims." King Tendo shudder and placed
a hand over his crotch.
{This is just a thought, but if the punishment is to bit hit with cursed
water I would think a better reaction would be an instinctive reach for
an umbrella.}
"But Lone Stallion! I'll give you
ANYTHING! Did you hear me? ANY-" [Even the top-quality deluxe
Do-It-Yourself-Hair-Styling-Kit?] Belch inquired hopefully.
{Unless he wants to style panda hair, I see it better that he ask for a
hair growth formula or (to stick with my earlier suggestion) a dragon
whisker.}
"Well...." Tendo said, dropping his gaze.
"How 'bout a hundred-million-spaceyen?" Stallion quickly
suggested, glaring at the panda. "WHAT?"
Tendo cried, and the screen was filled with a ghastly image of his face,
with the inclusion of a forked tongue and glowing eyes.
{Nice way to work in the demon head.}
"AAUUUGGHHH!!!" Stallion cried, jumping
backwards. "You SAID _anything_!"
Tendo's head returned to normal, and he
nodded reluctantly. "I... guess I did. Well, Lone Stallion, I'm counting
on you!" With a tearful nod, he terminated the connection.
Belch whirled upon Stallion. [You fool! Do
you have any idea how badly I wanted that kit?!]
[Look! They're locked in the tractor beam
of that ship!] Belch exclaimed, pointing at the scene in front of them.
Lone Stallion nodded absent-mindedly.
"We'll have to go in there and take them
on our Flairmobile," he announced.
{Paragraph.}
Belch's eyes widened.
[But we'll show up on the radar!] he
insisted.
{Paragraph. Put what Lone Stallion does with what Lone Stallion says.
Same
for Belch.}
Lone Stallion grinned.
"I got everything under control," he said
with a confident wave of his hand. Grinning, he pushed a large red
button. Whenever someone pushes a large, red button, something bad
happens. Large, red buttons usually do not belong on spaceships. This
case is an exception, of course.
{The whole "large red button" thing just seemed to take up space to me.
You might see what everyone else has to say about it.}
A small hatch opened up, revealing to holes that could fit two hands
perfectly. Stallion slipped his hands into them, and grinned wider.
Belch nodded knowingly.
Two large hands slid out of their chambers
outside the Flairmobile, and the heels of the palms rested against each
other.
"LOCO MOKO TACKY FIC!" he shouted,
{Interesting...}
I dunno. I liked original the "jamming the radar" gag, and having Lone
Stallion use a chi-blast before learning to use the Shwartz (or
whatever) messes up your continuity, but this does fit well with
the "only
*one* man would have the arrogance to..." used later in
Spaceballs.
and a huge orb of energy shot from the hands, clipping the radar dish
off of the top of the FaceFault Ship. Belch nodded approvingly.
{This transition is too sudden, but it could be worked into the same
scene with something like "Aboard the FaceFault ship a bridge officer
called to Thunder Helmet."}
"Sir!"
"Yes?" Thunder Helmet and Colonel Hibiki
replied, turning to the man who had spoken.
"The radar's gone!"
"What?" Hibiki asked, shocked.
"I said, the ra-"
"How?" Thunder Helmet interrupted,
stepping up to the console.
{This scene just isn't as funny without Michael Winslow doing the
intercom thing or "the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps."}
"I don't know, sir, it just... is," the man answered,
shrugging.
"Colonel!" another man shouted from across the room. "I've
just seen an object off to our side! It appears to be...." he trailed
off,
looking out a window through a pair of binoculars.
"Yes?" Hibiki inquired, gesturing for him
to continue.
"...Our radar dish..."
Thunder Helmet and Hibiki blinked. "...the
hell?" Helmet asked no one in particular.
"...And an orb of energy," the man
finished. "And I'm getting a reading that it was formed from arrogance!"
Thunder Helmet jerked his head up at the
last word. Slipping the visor over his eyes, he announced, "Only ONE man
owneth such a ridiculous amount of arrogance,
{You?}
and that man beeth LONE STALLION! I shall destroy that arrogant fiend!"
A man held up a cardboard cut-out of a lightning bolt.
"Fight fire with fire, I suppose," Hibiki
remarked thoughtfully.
"Be quiet, that I might smite thee," Helmet warned,
{Who is he gonna smite? If he's threatening to smite Hibiki you might
try "or I shall smite thee." If, on the other hand, he plans to smite
Lone Stallion you may use "That I might smite the infidel" or something
to that effect.}
then tried to lift his visor. "Now, how doseeth this confounded thing
work again?"
{Transition.}
"What that?" Hot cried as both her and
Vexed heard a loud thump from the top of the car. Vexed looked upward as
the top slid open, revealing a large, fat, black and white creature!
Vexed, using the sort of logic she had used all of her life, punched its
face in.
{You write Akane well.}
The creature shook its head and fumbled
around, eventually holding up a sign. [Owpth! Thapth hurpth!]
Vexed pulled her fist back again. The
creature's eyes widened and another sign popped up, revealing its true,
good-hearted intentions. [DON'T HURT ME!!!] She planted her fist in its
left eye.
[We're here to help you!] the creature
insisted, eyeing the princess's fist warily. She lowered it and removed
the brass knuckles.
{Brass knuckles?! Ooooh! That's gonna leave a mark!}
"In that case, get out of my way!" she
growled, shoving it aside and hopping out. Placing a foot on the ladder
leading to the Flairmobile, she paused and added, "Whatever you are."
[I AM A PAN] its sign read in large, bold
letters.
{Pragraph.}
Vexed blinked.
"What's a pan?" she asked quizzically.
{Hot: I show you! <pulls out oversized skillet and whacks the panda>
This pan!}
*Fwip* [-DA]
"Oh," Vexed said tonelessly. As Hot began
climbing out, she said, "Well, if you're not doing anything, bring my
bags, will you?" The panda sighed wearily.
Awe, no "I'm a pan: half panda, half man" joke? (Although, "I'm a
manda," might have worked better.)
Lone Stallion glanced backward and jerked
in surprise. Belch was carrying several boxes and bags, and the strain
on him was obvious to Stallion's highly-trained eye. All the signs were
there; tripping over the tongue, eyes protruding four inches, dripping
with sweat, shaking legs, and the wooden sigh reading, [HE-HEAVY!!]
Why would he write down a stutter? Also, if he can't speak, how can he
trip over his tongue?
"What the heck is that?" he exclaimed,
watching as Belch collapsed under the bags with a crunching sound.
[The princess's luggage,] Belch answered,
the writing barely legible.
"Jeee-zus! ALL that junk?" Stallion
muttered, flipping the intercom switch. "Listen up!" he called
arrogantly, "I'm the captain of this ship, and I say that that baggage
is a hazard to my patience. It's going."
In the rear, Vexed glowed brightly. "How
DARE you say that! That's MY luggage and it STAYS!"
"The ship steers like a beached whale with
that junk in here!" Stallion shouted. "It's not stayin' here long..." he
searched his mind for a proper way to address her. "...Tomboy!"
"TOMBOY!?" Vexed fairly screamed. "I'll
show YOU tomboy, you..."
"Easily, no doubt," Stallion retorted.
{I have no problem imagining this conversation between Ranma and Akane.
Well written.}
Except that a Tomboy wouldn't be hung up on luggage; that's pure Druish
Princess. Now, if she were to bring along her weights and excercise
equipment...
"Grrr..." Vexed ended the conversation by
punching in the intercom. Hot stared at her with wide eyes.
"That not good for health," she remarked
sagely.
{Transition. And you may want to specify exactly what ship you're
referring to in this next sentence since we've seen at least three now.}
In a large room located near the bottom of
the ship, a large dishonor guard was standing around Thunder Helmet,
watching alertly as the princess's car slowly rose up through a docking
hatch in the floor. The men could practically FEEL the arrogant and
victorious expression on Thunder Helmet's face, much to their pride.
They could also SMELL what he had eaten for lunch, much to their
anguish.
"Princess Vixen," he started, stepping
forward. One of the men looked like he was about to say something, then
apparently stopped. "Thou art no doubt marveling at the skill we have
presented in capturing thou. Our clever scheme to take thy planet's
supply of hair is truly the greatest ever devised! None can defy the
FACE- ah- Fa- um..." he faltered, glancing around. "...Us."
Is "Vixen" Kuno's pet name for Vexed? I can easily see him coming up
with something like that, but he'd make a bigger production of using
it.
{Heheh. I don't know that Kunou would have developed a clue this
quickly though.}
He glanced over his shoulder, and gestured angrily at his most
dishonored guard.
{Paragraph.}
The man blinked, then suddenly dropped his gun and lifted up a cardboard
cut-out of a rabbit.
He was later evicted from Thunder Helmet's
dishonor guard.
Finishing his speech, Helmet stepped up to the car and
fumbled with the latch. He looked up at the men surrounding him and
fumbled with it some more. After banging on the door a few times, he
flipped his visor up and asked, "Does anyone got a key or somethin'??
{I would more imagine Kunou wording it as "Would someone, perhaps, have
a key?" However, if you're going for a mood change like on the actual
movie, you might try "Has anyone..." instead.}
Colonel Hibiki sighed and stepped up.
After a careful analysis of the door and it's entire surface area, he
held up a straight finger.
{Paragraph.}
Thunder Helmet's eyes widened and he started to shout, "NOT TH-" but
never managed to finish.
After the dust cloud settled, Hibiki
glanced at the twitching figure on the floor. "It's open," he offered.
Helmet grumbled a reply that caused all men in the room to slap a hand
over their groins.
Once he stood up, he looked inside the car
and shouted, "She's not in here! Dammit, you guys are supposed to be
skillful, or something!" The men glanced at each other and decided it
would be best to not remind him who had been instructing them at the
time.
Suddenly, an technician ran into the room
with news. "Sir, a Flairmobile has been spotted to our port side!"
"A... Flairmobile...?" Thunder Helmet
repeated, placing a hand to his chin. Suddenly, his head snapped up, and
he shouted, "Aw man, it's that crummy Lone Stallion!"
{I have great difficulty imagining Kunou (or any version thereof) using
the word 'crummy'. Maybe 'wretched' or 'accursed' would fit better.}
He blinked and glanced around at the un-awed faces. He quickly slapped
his visor down and re-shouted, "Curses! It must be-eth that fiend, Lone
Stallion!"
The soon-to-be-evicted dishonor guard held
up a cardboard cut-out of an ass.
{He was just relieved that Thunder helmet didn't notice as he truly did
value his manhood.}
End pt. 1
______________________________________________
All in all, I like it. My biggest nits are your transitions and
paragraphs (two of my real pet peaves actually). If you work those out
the rest will fall into place. I would like to see an overall cast
list, though you may want to save that for an "ending credits" ort of
thing so as not to ruin any surprises you have in store for us. I look
forward to future chapters, I hope we don't have to wait too long. The
opinions expessed belong solely to me, if you don't agree with them that
is your choice (as my father always says, "Opinions are like assholes,
everybody has one"). I do hope that I have been of at least some help
to you.
Akihiro
TendouNabiki@webtv.net
I liked it too, Leif. My biggest nitpick is that you spoiled, or
glossed, over some of Spaceballs' gags, although some of the
replacements you used elsewhere worked well. Overall it's a nice
piece of light entertainment so I'm looking forward to seeing the next
part.
______
Graham
gj.kemp@bigfoot.com
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