% And here's another:
Gentleness and Strength
***
Despite how clichéd it sounds, it really is hard to admit how you feel about
someone.
I should know. Time and again I'd try to sum up the courage to tell her how
I truly felt, to finally let her know what my true feelings were… and time
and again I'd find myself frozen in place by her smile.
% I just couldn't seem to force out the words, "I want to cut you open like
a ripe fruit and wear your skin.' I mean, how do you work your way up to
that? Like I said, it's hard to admit how you feel about someone.
I think the first time I knew I was in love with her was when I looked
into her eyes. I'm not talking about a passing glance… I mean when I really
looked into her eyes and saw what type of person she really was. She was so
full of life, of mischief and determination. In her I
% In her, I (I think)
saw gentleness and
strength wrapped into one. It was this that I fell in love with, this
spirit. I was desperate to know what it was that made her life so
wonderful.
I wanted to know her, to know that gentleness and strength for myself.
% And her get the title worked in here. Didn't take long.
Unfortunately, that was also the problem. Where she was strong, I was
timid. Where she was confident, I was unsure. She was everything I was
not,
% Including female. :)
and I felt intimidated by her own inner beauty. I remember staying up night
after night staring at her face in the school yearbook, wondering how it was
that she had begun to notice a nobody like me. I couldn't explain it
really,
I was just happy she
% happy that she
seemed to like me.
I don't remember how it happened exactly. I do know that she found me
first.
She always found me first. That was just the way it went.
% nice touch
She'd find me at
lunch, or after school and we'd just… talk. We'd talk about our days, our
families, and our dreams for the future… We'd talk about everything except
how we felt, and that's what hurt the most.
% Well, there are times you don't have to say what you already know is in
your heart.
Of course I'm not saying I turned my back or anything. When it got so
bad that she couldn't hide it any longer, when she collapsed right in front
of me I knew… it was serious. Suddenly I
% Suddenly, I (Again, I think)
was the one who was strong. I was
carrying her, because she was too weak to walk. I was looking after her,
because she was too drained to move. Suddenly I
% Since you just used 'suddenly' to start a sentence a couple up, i'd use a
different word.
When I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I felt, she looked
at me as if I had told her something she had known all her life. When she
looked at me… when she smiled at me I
% me, I (I think)
***
When I lie here, I wonder if he knows how strong he makes me feel.
% And we get the other side of the story.
Ever since we first met, I've felt like I could do anything just so long
as he was by my side. He was shy, reserved and bashful to a fault. I
wonder
if he knew how much that attracted me to him… Probably not, but still, it's
sweet to think he was doing it on purpose. He was the shyest boy in class,
but there was something hidden behind that shyness, something special. I
just knew there was something different about him, and I had vowed to find
out what it was.
% Nice way to put her inner thoughts too.
I think the first time I knew I was in love with him was when I saw him
smile. There was something about his face, the way his eyes gleamed with
gentleness and kindness,
% as opposed to strength. Nice contrast
and his smile was so innocent… That and he was
pretty good looking. Still, there was something more to him than good
looks.
There was real intelligence behind those eyes,
% and that's to say nothing of the fact he was hung like a bull. I still
have fantasies about the day I peeked into the boy's locker room on that
dare. It changed my life forever.
My biggest fear was that I'd worry him with my sickness. I never wanted
him to see me when I had my attacks. I didn't want him to have to see me
like that… so venerable
% 'vulnerable' methinks.
and hurting. I knew he worried about me, and that he
cared for me. Despite the countless times he dodged the question, its
% it's
pretty
obvious when a boy likes you.
% It looks like he's walking around with a roll full of quarters in his
pocket, even though you know he doesn't.
I remember the day he carried me. I couldn't hold it back any longer.
The pain… the pain was just too great, that was all. One minute I'm looking
at some lovely statues in a gift shop and the next I'm lying crumpled on the
floor. Then suddenly, these two strong arms just reached down and scoop me
up. Suddenly, it didn't matter how weak I was or how helpless. He was
there, and he was strong enough for both of us. He carried me up three
flights of stairs just so I could lie down in my bed, and then he stayed
with
me until I was better. At that moment I knew what it was that I truly loved
about him. He was the gentlest person I knew, but at the same time he was
stronger than I could ever be. He was strong enough to protect me with his
concern, to shelter me with his caring. His gentleness and strength
% Ah. Changed it back to the title I see.
% Nice work. Good introspective piece into Nobuyuki and Achika's feelings.
Not much else to say
D.B. Sommer