The blame for this can be laid on Both Cris Jones (Slash fics we'd rather not see) and Stephen Fry (Latin! Or Tobacco and Boys).

And yes, this is silly.

----

"Ikari."

"Fuyutski."

"Now that we have each other's names sorted out, Ikari, I have some pressing news."

"Proceed."

"I will. And take your damn hands from your face while I talk to you!" (I want to see your expression, Ikari...)

Gendou Ikari obeyed, a slight frown on his face. "What is it?"

"It has been noticed that the first child has been... walking oddly recently. Doctor Akagi did a few tests, and while these were going on I spoke to her... and she smiled, Ikari! In the name of all that is holy, she actually smiled!
   "I asked her what the reason was for her... behaviour, and then she told me... a story of such depravity and iniquity as I have never heard. It SHOCKED me, Ikari, shocked ME! I, I need not remind you, who spent a year among the nymphomanaiacal buggerboys of Buenos Aires! She told me ALL of it!"

The frown was wiped off Ikari's face; what could be seen of it went white with green highlights. "What, All?"

"All, Ikari."

"...oh."

"Yes,'Oh', indeed! I knew that you used some of her... sisters...  for... relief... but I never imagined this, even in my wildest dreams! THIS puts even the creamy cactus to shame- and I have the patent on that, by the way."

Ikari slumped. Fuyutsuki wondered if he was going to be sick.

"...all of it?"

"ALL, Ikari. Yopu have put that poor clone through a sequence of depravity that I would never, indeed, could never descend to! Is no part of that poor girl's body safe? You have performed lewd, obscene and disgusting acts upon her person including... and I must say that this beggars belief... rape and laceration of the backs of the knees."

Ikari mumbled.

"Speak up, man!"

"...it's true. We have used the knees... more than once actually."

"Ikari... do you know how much of a gossip Ritsuko is? I had to promise her six sessions with the vaulting horse, the tawse, a security detail and Ms. Ibuki to keep her quiet! Thursday afternoons, too, and that's normally my session with Maya!"

"You? And Maya?" Ikari wondered how he'd missed that.

"That's beside the point. If it weren't for me, you'd be all over the papers now, and the police would want a word."

"Thank you..."

Fuyutsuki smiled. (At last, Gendou... I'll have you where I want you.)

"But My silence is not yet assured."

"Yours?"

"Yes, mine. You have been performing horrifically indecent and highly inventive acts- I made notes, mark you- with a minor for which you are in loco parentis."

"You can't get me for incest as well."

Fuyutski was briefly struck dumb. "Ikari...!"

Gendou sighed. "All right. How much do you want?"

"You offer me money?"

"It's what you're working up to, isn't it?"

"No, Ikari. But three times a week- Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays, you shall come to my apartment. There you shall beat me half senseless with a coathanger or a wet towel, and then run up and down on my bottom in Football boots. Don't worry, I have a pair; and there are soapy frogs aplenty."

"...a wet towel? You're sick."

"Not so sick as you, it seams. I was frankly astonished at what Rei told me about the Dolphin." Fuyutsuki turned and went to the door. Oh, and bring a photo of Prince Charles and a tub of peanut butter. Crunchy." And he left.

Gendou sagged, again. He only had himself to blame...




*****

What am I doing here
half asleep
and the rest of me
still in bed
making coffee
with tea bags...?

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