From:
"Small Pink Mouse" <mangaaddict@hotmail.com>
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Subject:
[FFML] Boar Gets Girl (R 1/2 Waff)
Date:
Sun, 10 Sep 2000 22:59:00 GMT
My comments @@
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
My comments are based on how I would
write a story and what I like to read.
This is VERY subjective. Therefore
out of my comments . . .
Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest.
Disclaimer
Save for Senboi (Who as an AMG character is the
property of Mr. Fujishima) these characters are the
legal,
moral and intellectual property of Miss Rumiko
Takahashi.
@@Nice disclaimer.
Boar Gets Girl by Small Pink Mouse
@@The pun was irresistible.
EXCELLENT title. Wonderful hook.
Forward
In the world we know Ranma was able to sabotage
the
first date that Ukyo had set up between Akane and
Ryouga by
impersonating Ryouga's "Lost Fiancee". Shattered at
the
notion that "Even though it was only for a second I
have
betrayed Akane in my heart!" Ryouga ran off in
apparent
heartbreak to be followed by the others who were
concerned on
his behalf. However when he ran through the sprinkler
Akane
and Ukyo inexplicably failed to see his transformation
to
P-chan (Presumably he had turned a corner and
transformed out
of their sight!) but there were other worlds in which
the 3
were a step faster....
@@Hmmm . . .
I'm of two minds about this sort of introduction
to Alternate Universe Stories. It's really too
stilted and artificial
for my taste. This one isn't bad as such things go but
could be better.
Example::
In the world we know Ranma managed to sabotage
the date between Ryouga and Ranma. Thinking he had
betrayed
Akane in his heart Ryouga ran away, transforming, by
accident,
into P-chan. In our world Akane did not see where her
pet P-chan
came from. In another world . . .
@@Much shorter and leads into your new story.
There are other ways but this stays close to
your original with just a little editing.
************************************************************
It had happened. Ryouga's transformation to
P-chan had
taken place in front of Ukyo, Ranma and Akane.
Completely,
graphically and undeniably. It's all right, said the
small
portion of Akane's mind that wasn't gibbering, we've
only to
avoid making a scene that would draw public attention.
Ranma's
used to these transformations and Ukyo looks to be the
sort to
take these things in stride. We've only to pretend
that
nothing's out of the ordinary and-
@@Ummm, perhaps. This seems an odd choice of
tense. Also, it doesn't convey the "gibbering" you
refer to. It's much too calm and collected.
"P-p-p-pig!", stuttered "Uchan".
DRAT!, thought Akane, well it's still all right.
I can
count on Ranma to help cover...
"That's right, Dear!", she said out loud in her
best
kawaii voice, "A four legged animal that says
'Oink,oink', eats
acorns, and has four hooves. In this case a particular
pet. My
P-chan. How nice of Ryouga to..."
@@ "Dear"???
This doesn't sound like Akane at all. Or any of the
other cast.
Why is Akane interested in covering things up?
Why would she count on Ranma to help cover things up?
"RYOUGA'S TURNED INTO A P-P-PIG @_@;;!"
@@ Hmmm, well . . .perhaps. You might mention
that Ukyou is (at this time) unfamiliar with curses.
And, therefore is freaked out.
You might also explain why Akane is NOT angry.
Of course you might explain this in detail
later in the story. However you are dealing with
established characters so readers have certain
expectations. Different readers read different things
from the same passage. Personally this particular
portrayal of Ukyou and Akane seems a bit strange.
I'd like a little more build up to this change in
characterization.
"Now how silly!", said Akane desperately, as
curious
passerbys began to turn their heads and stare, "The
fact is..uh!".
Come *on*, Ranma!, were her thoughts as she spoke, I
desperately
need your help in ever I'm to pull this off.
And Ranma, ever quick to come to a maiden's aid,
saw that
*Uchan* needed help.
@@^_^ <G>
"OH DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UKYO, YOU AREN'T CRAZY,
RYOUGA
REALLY DID TURN INTO A PIG!", he said, slapping her on
the
back, sending her sprawling, and inadvertantly blowing
the
remnants of Ryouga's secrets before the entire world.
The
passerbys who had paused all turned and move more
hurriedly.
As they did, Akane pictured each and every one of them
rushing
to tell all the world's reporters and the subsequent
headlines
in newspaper and television alike. Little popping
sounds could
be heard all around her forehead as she visualized
these
headlines. *And then inspiration came!*
@@Well, you've got Ranma pegged.
I'm still wondering about Akane.
You need to explain why she cares about Ryouga
keeping his secret. And it would be nice to know why
she isn't trying to make pork curry out of the little
bas . . .errrrr basket case.
Ryouga: Oh Akane, THANK you for saving me. You
really do care.
Akane: I could never let anyone hurt you Ryouga.
<rips lamp post from ground> I want to do it myself.
Ranma:<to Ukyou> Ummm, do you know where we
can find a good proctologist?
Ukyou:<ewwww>
Perhaps it was the voice of Senboi, Demon of
Unhappiness
- Third Class, whispering in her ear, or maybe it was
the
phrase "Cute fiancee meet uncute fiancee!" cutting
deeper and
festering more virulently in her heart than she would
ever
want to admit, but Miss Akane Tendo had no trouble
finding
*precisely* the words to say.
"I think I know precisely what we should do!",
stated
our Akane in a voice as sweet as poisoned maple syrup,
"Ranma,
I wish to speak privately with Ryouga. Why don't the
two of
you go on a date together to the Cat Cafe and *plan
your
wedding there*?"
@@I liked the "Senboi" bit a lot. And the
"Cute fiancee . . ." etc was starting to sound a lot
like Akane. You lost me on the "Ranma, I wish to
speak privately . . ."
And what brought up "plan your wedding"?
Generally when Akane says something like
that it has a direct bearing on something
that is going on at the time. And no one
has brought up weddings except her.
"Wedding?", gibbering with shock as she was, Ukyo
still
perked up considerably at the sound of that word.
"Oh certainly, wedding! In fact, I suggest that
you ask
for a girl named Shampoo as your waitress while you're
there.
She's a romantic sort who just loves planning these
things
and if you let her know you're planning to marry Ranma
the 2
of you should get along like house on fire."
@@^_^ Cute.
use "two" instead of ". . .2 . . ."
Houses on fire.
People running and screaming.
Buildings collapsing.
Sometimes big explosions...
Akane smiled and added, "For added effect I
suggest that
you tell her I sent you and let her know that Ranma
designated
you as his "cute" fiancee. I'm certain that when you
do you'll
be surprised at the way she throws herself into the
spirit of
things.
@@Evil Akane. I like it.
The dialogue is a little stilted but the
basic idea is good.
Even with her wits so scattered to the 4 winds
that she
@@ "four" not ". . .4 . . ."
could no longer tell good advice from bad Ukyo Kuonji
still
had the instincts of a lady. "T-t-thank you!", she
said,
before running off with Ranma. Ranma's reproachful
glance
towards Akane, on the other hand, seemed to imply that
he
would rather she had thrown him into a pit of hungry
cats.
@@errrrr . . .well, perhaps.
OTOH Ranma's been in the presence
of at least four of his fiances at one time
w/o going "cat".
But Akane was already taking Ryouga's clothing
and
P-chan, no *Ryouga*, in the direction of the nearest
hot
water she could find.
************************************************************
*Splash!*
"Um..." *BLUSH!* "...Underwear."
flip!
"Shirt."
flip!
"Pants."
flip!
"Sweater."
flip!
"Back-urghhh-pack. Hyah!"
flip!
"Well, that's the last of it!", Akane said from
her
place around the corner, "Care to grab a Coke and
maybe
we can talk it over?"
@@??? Ummm, this sounds a LOT like Nabiki.
Perhaps Kasumi.
I could even believe Akane, with a little more build
up
to explain why she's so accepting. Just a _little_
something to get me to this point.
<SNIP>
Jack and pot! Now it was time to start reeling
him in...
"Why?", Akane's eyes were quite big, and she had
no trouble
making her voice childlike and kawaii.
"Because I-I challenged him over who would get
you"
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Yes?"
"I lo-lo-like you!"
Akane tasted those words and found them to her
liking.
The ears of Eve had heard what Ryouga had said and had
translated them correctly. Later on she intended to
extract
a more articulate confession of affection from him
than that,
but for now "lo-lo-like" was a very good beginning
indeed.
And a *darn* site better than anything she had
ever
gotten out of Ranma!
"And I love you as well, Ryouga!", she said as
she
tilted her head upwards for a kiss.
@@ Ummm, OK I've come to a screeching halt
at this point.
Just to hit a few high points to vol. 8 (where
your time line diverges)
V1) Akane brings hot water and covers for Ranma
to give him time to change back (p104-108)
Akane warns Ranma to stay away from Ryouga
(239)
Ranma saves Akane from Ryouga who
almost smashes her with
his umbrella, then almost slices her in half.
(260-276)
V2) p 145 Akane helps Ranma in his fight with Kodachi
v3) P22: Ranma <to Mikado>: "Akane is my fiancee. Lay
a lip on her
and I'll kill you."
V3) P 155-198 Ranma spends the story looking for a
cure
to the amnesia shampoo. Akane overcomes the Chinese
drugs and remembers Ranma on her own.
V4)p211 Akane almost drowns trying to help Ranma
recover the phoenix pill.
V5) p120 Akane comes to rescue Ranma after
he's kidnapped.
V6) Ranma & Akane vs. Happosai
Ranma & Akane vs. Doujou Destroyer
V7)p 180 Akane rescues Ranma from Kodachi
Those are just a few of the highlight in vol 1-7.
And of course a fanfiction writer has to overcome
all 38 volumes of the series which have been published
and are available in English. (17-38 on line) and
in Japanese as well as other languages.
There's nothing wrong with pairing Akane with Ryouga
is you
wish. However you have to work with what is "know" to
the readers. In addition . . .If Akane felt this way .
. .why wait?
She's had ample opportunity to "date" Ryouga is she
wished.
(Of course when she first met Ryouga he almost killed
her
in his attempt to get to Ranma. That may have put a
damper
on their relationsip.)
Further, in the episode you are using for your
divergence
(V8, p55-118) Akane thinks she's answering a challenge
letter (p77) and then later (p89)
Akane<thinking> "Ukyou talked him into this . . .he
doesn't really want
to be here."
And
"If Ryouga doen't want to date me, you can't force him
to..."
(p101) Akane <thinking> "I thought it was a duel!"
Akane had every opportunity for a date with Ryouga, if
she'd
wanted one. Her actions were motivated by anger toward
Ranma.
...And it was at this point that a voice spoke
inside
Ryouga's head, saying "Hi, I'm your conscience!"
"Nicetomeetcha.", replied Ryouga with as much
politeness
as he could muster under the circumstance, "Now go
away, I'm
busy!"
"With another man's fiancee.", came the flat
reply.
"Yeah, with...another man's fiancee?"
"You *did* know that Akane and Ranma are
betrothed,
didn't you?"
"Well, yeah, but what's that got to do
with...Hey, wait
a minute! I've been trying to kill Ranma, marry Akane,
and
been staying with the Tendos under false pretenses for
several
months now. If you're my conscience howcum I never
heard from
you on this before now?"
Pause.
(Internal blush! Internal fidget! Internal
scuffing of shoes!)
"It...It took a while to find you, OK?"
"Are you saying *you* got lost?"
@@<G> cute.
"I DON'T GET LOST ^_^;! Uh, I just had trouble
making out
the coordinates between you and the rest of the world
in
relationship to me, OK?" Then, a little more brightly,
"But
I'm here now! And just in time too!! (And aren't you
glad!)."
"...!"
"Uh, Ryouga is something wrong?", Akane felt her
heart
leap into her throat as her eyes opened to see Ryouga
standing
in hesitation. She had bet her heart on this and now
it looked
as though she had rolled two 'ones'.
Ryouga responded with a rueful smile, "Just a
crisis of
conscience. Would you believe that only now had it
occurred
to me that you're engaged, and that in trying to win
your
love I would be guilty of trying to lead you astray?"
@@Errrr . . .this sounds more like Kuno (on prozac,
but Kuno
more than Ryouga) much too articulate for Ryouga, IMO.
Relief warred with annoyance within Akane's
breast but
both were overwhelmed by the sudden flow of sympathy
that
poured from her heart like warm water from a tea
kettle.
"You dear man.", she whispered, "You dear, sweet
man!
Ryouga, let us retire to that park bench over there
that we
may talk. There are things you need to know about me
if we
are to go any further and you are the one man to whom
I
would Tell All."
@@And this is Kodachi. ^_^
************************************************************
I hope I don't look as vulnerable as I feel,
Akane thought
as she searched Ryouga's face for something that would
give her
the courage to speak. I've been unclothed before this
man, why
is it so hard to bare my soul to him? It was just then
that an
an irrelevant part on her extracurricular studies in
English
Literature rose up to haunt her. The English word
'nude',
she had read, was derived from the Latin 'nudus' which
meant
'unclothed'. The word 'naked' on the other hand was
supposed to
have originally referred to any such lack of costume
but rather
to the state of being without weapons or clothing and
therefore
defenseless. The turn of mind that had made these
words synonyms
was indeed a practical one, but her mind writers like
Heinlein
and Niven were not wrong when they insisted that there
was a
distinction between being naked and being nude.
@@!!!!Where did THIS come from?
Not only does it not sound like Akane, it doesn't
sound
like ANY of the characters in Ranma. It doesn't even
seem
to fit the mood of the scene.
In that moment her eyes met Ryouga's and it
seemed to her
that his were two large and glowing pools that
reflected a large
heart of precious glass. Precious, *fragile* glass
that would
surely break if she did not find the right words to
say in time.
Enough of this, she told herself, it's time to get
naked!
"Ryouga, you can only lead me astray if there's
something
to lead me astray from. The existence of an additional
fiancee
whose betrothal preceded mine did call the engagement
into
question. And as far as I'm concerned, 'Cute Fiancee
meet Uncute
Fiancee' sorta settled the question.
@@Ummm, not at all. If Akane is being "traditional"
then
she has NO say in the matter. None at all. This is
a matter for her father to decide.
Life with Ranma has been pretty exciting and no
mistake
about it, but in it's essence it's always been an
emotional
roller coaster ride, and on any ride of this sort the
time
comes when you must ask yourself if the lows have
become lower
than the highs. If they have, or it it's reached the
point
that you have days of lows for every minute of joy
that you
experience, then the only sensible thing to do is to
look for
a safe place to jump off at and seize it the moment it
comes.
And Ryouga, that safe place is you!
@@Since when? Ryouga, you may recall, is an
obsessive manic/depressive with a persecution complex.
It was _Ryouga_ who chased Ranma all over China over a
feud about �bread'. Then escalated the feud to the
point he
almost killed an innocent bystander (Akane) in his
attempt to
kill Ranma. (If Ranma hadn't grabbed Akane she would
have
been crushed or sliced to ribbons)
I think it's legitimate to ask whether marriage
should
be a mix of complementary strengths or of similar
strengths.
If the former then yes a marriage between myself and
Ranma
might have been a good idea *If only we could have
found some
common ground*! For without such common ground a
marriage of
that sort is like the union of sulpher and nitrogen in
the
wrong proportions. The damage that is done is not the
fault
of either chemical (For both are innocent of ill
intent and
both are good in and of themselves) but the damage
that is
done by their wrongful union, while the fault of the
fools
who arranged it rather than of the individual elements
themselves, is grievous all the same and is therefore
to be
avoided."
Ryouga pondered. "You'r right. It *is* legitimate
to
ask. I myself would be inclined to say that, with the
initial agreement to be united and the desire to be
united,
either mix would work but that the higher degree of
probability lies with the mix of complimentary
strengths
than with the union of similar ones for in the latter
one
blow at the same weakness might bring down two at once
while,
with the former, the strengths of one partner may
serve to
shield the frailties of the other and..." Whatever
else he
might have remarked was lost for he grimaced then and
said,
"I've just spoken if favor of the idea of you marrying
Ranma
haven't I? For in truth you and he are very different.
He
tends to be mercurial, energetic and imaginative the
way
Shampoo is..."
@@^_^ Excuse me, who are these people and what
happened
to Akane and Ryouga?
<SNIP>
The End (Cue the Ballad of Ryouga and Akane ^_~!)
BTW if there's *any* Romance cliche I've left out
please send C&C
to Mangaaddict@hotmail.com and I'll try to include it
in the sequel.
Overall:: C+
Cute in spots. Very cute.
However some VERY large chunks of exposition
many of which seemed to come out of nowhere. Mostly
in an attempt, IMO, to "glue" the story together.
I'd have to say that much of the dialogue sounded
very artificial. It read very much like an attempt
to "justify" the story line, rather than flowing
naturally from the characters reactions to the
situations they found themselves in.
Try to blend action with dialogue. Show, more than
tell.
In terms of plot . . .it was very contrived. If you
want to pair
Ryouga with Akane, by all means do so. (Frankly I
think
a Ryouga/Ranma is more believable) However if you want
to do that it's going to take a lot of work since
you're starting
from a known story with known characters and
situations.
IMO you'd be better off starting the story from the
beginning rather than trying to come in so deeply into
the
original. Especially if you're doing a short story.
If you want to
do an Alternate Universe, diverging so deeply into the
timeline,
IMO you're going to have to have a much larger build
up to
overcome the �inertia' of the original story-line.
I think it's got possibilities. Try again, but don't
"force"
the story so much. And show the story developing.
Don't
stop for long chunks of exposition. Especially
dialogue that
doesn't sound like any of the characters. Recall that
these
are martial artists, not members of the debate club.
I'm going to end my C&C with a reminder.
Always write what you enjoy writing.
Write with gusto and enthusiasm.
My C&C is based entirely on the way
I write and what I like to read. If and ONLY if
you find any statements or suggestions useful
should you pay attention to anything I, or anyone
else,
says. This is _your_ story.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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