"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:
Nabiki stared at the telephone as if there was something wrong with it.
as if there were something
("Were" is used for hypothetical situations rather than "was" or "is";
this is called the subjunctive case.)
Ranma and my sister kissing is strange enough, but in the girls' locker
room?!? Have they lost their minds?!?*
Need an opening * for this paragraph.
A small part of Nabiki wondered if Ranma could possibly be that good a
kisser when the full scope of what all this meant came to her... and she
smiled.
Um, what does she mean "that good?" How good? Considering that this is
"I hate boys" Akane, I can't see why she'd think Ranma's kissing skill
level would have any bearing on whether Akane would let him kiss her or
not.
Yen signs practically danced in her head as she thought of it. The dancing
yen stopped when she felt a very slight pang of guilt, which she quickly
suppressed. This was not the time to think of guilt.
Guilt, no, but she ought to be thinking of practical considerations at
least. There's a limit to much blackmail R&A would put up with before
deciding that they might as well just let the world know that they
kissed.
"Quit that, P-chan!" Akane said as she walked over and entered her room."
You are going to have to learn not to growl at Ranma!"
Move the quote mark to just before You.
P-chan frowned as Akane set him on her bed. *She never yelled at me before!
Damn you Ranma! You deny me happiness even when I'm a pig!*
you, Ranma!
*I'm sorry, Akane, but this is for your own good.*
After a few minutes of running, he stopped and tried to get his bearings.
*How in the hell did I end up at a shrine? Wait a minute--I've been here
before. That crazy redheaded woman lives here!* P-chan's thoughts were
interrupted by a frighteningly familiar voice.
"Little pig, you're back! Come down to my lab and I'll get you some hot
water. I really need to research your... condition."
P-chan just sobbed.
Um... what?
I really hope this'll be explained later. ^_^;;
The scenario Ranma pictured wasn't a good one. First off, Ryoga and Kuno
would try to kill him. That didn't worry him much. As the heir to Anything
Goes Martial Arts had proven on more than one occasion that he could beat
both of them senseless. Of course, that didn't mean he actually wanted them
Actually, they've beaten him by ganging up on him -- the first neko-ken
story, which happened before this continuity diverged.
*I have two choices, try keeping it a secret or,* he swallowed a lump that
formed in his throat, *Not try at all.*
You need a 'he said' or similar verb if you're going to use this kind of
punctuation with a quote:
*I have two choices: try keeping it a secret, or,* he said, swallowing a
lump that formed in his throat, *not try at all.*
Otherwise the "He swallowed" needs to be a separate sentence from the
line of (mental) dialog.
Seconds later she was in her room, searching through an old photograph
album. A cry of triumph nearly escaped her when
she found what she was looking for.
Wrapping looks like it's off here.
"First? I'd say a little photo shoot is in order. After some cold water,
of course." When Ranma just sat there, Nabiki took that as greement and
agreement
Akane stared at Ranma as if he was insane. "Okay? I just blackmailed my
as if he were
Akane caught her breath as Ranma landed, and he set her down on the roof.
He nearly laughed at her confused, frightened expression. "You brought me up
to the roof? You scared me to death to bring me to MY OWN ROOF?!"
"Umm... yeah," he replied sheepishly. "I do all my thinking here and I
thought you'd like to see it."
AKANE: So, you mean any time you're not up here, you're totally
thoughtless?
RANMA: Um....
"Forget it," Ranma said in a slightly angry tone. "Sorry I bothered you."
Ranma turned to leave but stopped when Akane grabbed his arm.
"I...I'm sorry, Ranma," Akane pleaded. She moved her hand to his and
gripped it. "Nabiki has me so upset I can't think straight."
She watched his face return to its previous nervous look.
"O-okay."
I liked this scene because it showed some tension between Ranma and
Akane, and that they still have problems to work out. The frequent POV
shifts are annoying, though. If you really need to show both characters'
thoughts, then it would probably be better to just write the scene with
an omniscient narrator.
"Oh, Ranma... I--"
"Dinner's ready!" Kasumi's voice shattered the mood.
Ranma fidgeted for a few seconds as he stared at his hands. Then he looked
up at Akane. "I guess we'd better go to dinner."
KASUMI: Ranma! Akane! Did you want your dinner up on the roof tonight?
"Y-yeah," Akane replied. As Ranma and Akane climbed off the roof, the
pigtailed martial artist noticed that Akane had stopped.
"Oh, no! I forgot about P-chan!"
"Oh, yeah," Ranma said. "Why did the piglet jump out of the window,
anyway?"
AKANE: To get to the other side?
She then let out a short laugh. "Ohoho! Once Ranma tastes these cookies,
he will be speechless!" she said, and then thought, *And motionless as
well!*
The thought of drugging her love dampened her good mood a little. *Oh,
Ranma, if only you would admit your true feelings for me, I could take care
of your "problem" easily!* Visions of her killing Akane in every way
imaginable flooded her mind.
Urk. Is it really necessary to go so far to make us dislike Kodachi in
this story? She's never been a killer in the manga.
"Achoo!" Akane scratched her nose. *There must be too much flour in the
air.* She opened the oven door, put the cookies in, and re-checked the
temperature. *This batch of cookies is going to be perfect. I followed my
teacher's instructions exactly!*
AKANE: Well, except for the extra oil... and it's funny that that flour
was black and chunky....
*I'm starved. Wonder if Akane wants to have lunch with me.* With that
thought, Ranma headed toward the Home Ec room to ask her. When he got
there, Ranma couldn't get near the room. A huge crowd of boys blocked the
hallway.
"What's going on?" Ranma asked.
"The girls are baking cookies!" one of the guys said. "We're waiting to get
some of them!"
HIROSHI: We're hoping we can get some!
DAISUKE: Cookies, he means.
HIROSHI: Oh yeah. That too.
The words were ignored by both girls. They were too focused on each other.
Suggest: Both girls ignored his words. (Avoid the passive)
"Did you not drag my poor, helpless Ranma into the women's locker room?"
Kodachi asked.
Images of the locker room kiss flooded Akane's mind. She smiled inwardly as
This is the second time someone's had their mind flooded. Is it the
rainy season or something? :)
"No way, Kodachi!" Akane objected, completely ignoring her fiance. "We'll
hold it here, where it'll be harder for you to cheat!"
"I do not cheat!" Kodachi replied. "But it is acceptable."
C'mon, can't she have a snappier retort than "I do not cheat?"
"Sorry about your cookies," Ranma blurted out. "But at least now they look
uneatable too!"
Suggest emphasis: 'they *look* uneatable'
Akane looked guilty for a second. *Ranma's right, but it's too late. I've
already committed myself to this match!* "I'm sorry Ranma, but I can't back
sorry, Ranma,
They walked in silence. Each step seemed to Akane as if she and Ranma were
walking to their executions, rather than to the cafeteria. The fact that
the other students were scurrying away from them and giving her and Ranma
looks of total pity wasn't helping any. She then noticed that her fiance
was also somewhat nervous. Akane found herself standing with Ranma in front
of Furinkan High's trophy
case. Akane smiled slightly at all the ribbons and trophies that lined it.
Wrapping error here.
I like Ms. Kitami. Her mood swings make her a fun character.
The two martial artists turned and walked back towards their classroom,
neither of them saying a word. They were almost there when Ranma broke the
silence.
"Akane, I'm sorry for what I said about your cooking. It was just pure
reflex."
This strikes me as rather OOC for no good reason. Why doesn't he just do
the easiest thing, forget all about it?
"Ms. Kitami told us. Besides that, everybody in the school is talking about
the 'Kiss to the Victor' match.
Need an ending quote mark.
Overall, on the story, pretty good. The Nabiki subplot was disposed of
way too conveniently, IMO -- Akane's photo struck me as rather a deus ex
machina -- but the upcoming confrontation between Akane and Kodachi
promises to be very interesting, especially considering Ranma's
conflicting feelings on the matter and the chance of him doing something
unexpected.
The writing, however, was, frankly, rather... blah. It marginally tells
the story, but there's no sense of tone or style. As much as possible,
get rid of the stock phrases and look for more creative and evocative
ways to describe things, not only the physical action but especially the
characters' thoughts and feelings. This not only engages your readers'
attentions, but it lets you convey a sense of the characters by the
descriptions and metaphors you choose.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html