I know I'm insane, you don't need to tell me.
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 Belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, Spaceballs belongs
to... I dunno, Mel Brooks? Anyways, their not mine. I'm borrowing them
without permission for my own, non-commercial uses.
Dedicated to: Gnu Be
The Authors Must be Crazy
by Leif Johnson
A long, long, long, time into the future, (which means this hasn't
happened yet, but just might) in a galaxy within eyesight, Chaos was
stirring. But the soup had just finished, so further stirring was
unnecessary.
A race known as the FaceFaults was facing a looming threat. Unable
to assume a defense, they were soon assaulted with sweaters.
There was a shortage on Planet FaceFault, a dangerous one. The race
was rapidly losing its supply of hair.
It was known that the peaceful planet 'Do-idia had a large supply
of hair, and the FaceFaults immediately began scheming to take that
supply from them. But, they needed the combination to the lock on the
planetary shield surrounding 'Do-idia, and decided to capture Princess
Vexed, who was about to be wed to Prince Nyquil, the last remaining
prince in the galaxy.
Planet 'Do-idia would soon wish it had never been heard of by the
race that caused unwanted facial bruises every time one uttered their
name.....
"Colonel Hibiki!"
The man with a yellow and black bandanna that, for some reason, he
had begun wearing fully over his head, turned and glanced down at the
man busily working on his terminal. "Yes?" he inquired.
The man looked up at him and blinked. "I didn't say anything," he
said, creasing his brow.
"Yo! Colonel! Over here!" the man shouted from behind Hibiki. He
turned and glanced around at the other men, an embarrassed look on his
face.
He quickly regained his posture and said, "Yes?"
"You told him," he said pointing at another man, "to tell him to
tell him to tell him to tell me to tell you when we were approaching
planet 'Do-idia."
"So?" Hibiki asked, shrugging.
"We're approaching planet 'Do-idia."
"Oh." Hibiki scratched his head and glanced out a view port. "Of
course."
Suddenly, klaxons blared and a trumpet fanfare was heard. Lights flashed
and a holographic helmet flickered around the ceiling before
disappearing.
"All rise in the presence of Thunder Helmet," Colonel Hibiki said,
not-so-proudly. The door at the end of the room began to rise slowly,
revealing a tall man standing there, dressed in a blue and black Kendo
outfit with a black cape dragging on the floor. An enormous samurai
helmet sat atop his head, with a visor that had one-way glass covering
his face. He walked proudly between the row of computers, ignoring the
nervous-looking men standing to his sides. Reaching Colonel Hibiki, he
nodded curtly and reached to lift his visor. When it refused to budge,
he shoved harder. Losing his temper, he smacked it with his fist. It
flew up and he rammed his fist into his face, falling backwards. The men
snickered.
He stood up angrily and thundered, "Hey, shut up!" The man placed
hands over their mouths and tried to ignore his bloody nose and black
eye.
"Good. Now, I heard that the Planet 'Do-iddysomething is in sight.
I'm gonna alert President Scourge." Thunder Helmet pulled a cell phone
shaped like a sword hilt and flipped it open.
"I've already alerted him, sir!" Poor Foolish Idiot announced.
Thunder Helmet turned on Poor Idiot with anger clear on his face. He
slipped his visor down over his face.
"You dare attempt to go over the helmet of the GREAT THUNDEROUS
FACEFAULT!" No sooner had he uttered these words than he lurched forward
and slammed his face onto the deck. He quickly stood up muttering about
the curse of their race. A man in the background held up a cardboard
cutout of a lightning bolt.
"Um... I... didn't... mean to...." Idiot stammered, cowering.
Hibiki rolled his eyes, while Thunder Helmet reached under his cape and
pulled out a water bottle. "Aw, shit!" Idiot cried. "Not that!"
"Yes," Thunder replied ominously, slapping down his visor, "that."
So saying, he popped up the top and sloshed some water over Idiot. Idiot
gasped as he felt the dreaded transformation wash over him. He slapped
his hands to his crotch and let out a tortured scream.
Hibiki smiled and shook his head. The discovery of the Spring of
Drowned Eunuch had done wonders for discipline, as well as striking
terror into the hearts of planets everywhere. That is, if planets
possessed hearts. Hibiki scratched his carefully covered head. He would
have to have someone look into that...
Thunder Helmet turned to face Colonel Hibiki. "Now that that poor,
foolish idiot has been taken care of, how much closer to Planet 'Do-idia
are we?"
Hibiki shrugged and gestured to the exit. "You'd have to check the
radar."
"Daddy," Princess Vexed said anxiously to her father, who was
decked in the finest velvet and silk dougi in the land. "Do I really
have to do this?"
King Tendo nodded. "Of course! He's the only prince left, and you
have to marry a prince! Besides, his family owns the largest hair-care
company in the galaxy."
"But I don't want to!" she cried indignantly, stamping her foot. A
faint cracking sound could be heard.
"Ve... vexed...." Tendo said, tears welling up in his eyes... "You
HAVE to!" As he said the last bit, he burst into tears. "The school of
Anything-Goes Hair Styling must go on!"
Vexed sighed and rolled her eyes in an irritated manner. King Tendo
swiftly recovered and called for the droid of honor. "Hot! Hot
Babetress!"
The droid swiftly bounced into the room, showing off the most
developed technology in droid-making, among other things. "King call? Is
wedding already?" she inquired, glancing at the princess's dress.
"Of course! Starting on the left... or is it right? Ve-"
"Forget it, daddy!" Vexed grumbled, angrily striding forward. The
king was hard pressed to keep up. "Here Comes the Bride" was speeded up
to four times the original speed to match the princess's pace.
Prince Nyquil bore a happy, dreamy expression on his face as he
seemed to watched the princess with a half-lidded stare. The priest,
seeing this, quickly nudged him awake.
"Here comes Princess Vexed, knocking the groom's lights out,
throwing me into the organ, and punching through the wall," the priest
announced clearly, passing out after finishing.
"Vexed! No!" King Tendo cried, rushing through the newly formed
doorway.
"Aiyah! What Princess do?" Hot cried, rushing after her.
"Just get in!" Vexed shouted, jumping into a getawa- er,
conveniently-located space car, and hitting the 'launch' button. Hot did
as she was told.
"Veeeexed!" Tendo cried, leaping after the car. Before he got very
high into the air, however, he was tackled by one of his counselors.
"What did you do that for?!" the king shouted.
"But your majesty!" the counselor cried in a stricken voice. "What
if you got exhaust in your hair?"
"Oh," said King Tendo, blinking. "I guess you're right."
"Princess?" Hot inquired, staring at her from across the cockpit.
Which, of course, wasn't really all that big. "What you do that for?"
"Because," the princess replied, "I hate him."
"Oh," the droid said, blinking. "Won't you get in trouble?"
Vexed shrugged. "Maybe. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Haircut?" Hot suggested, absently fingering her own flowing
artificial hair, which was nearly identical to the real stuff.
Vexed shuddered, reaching back and feeling her own short hair. "No,
not again. He wouldn't be able to deal with it."
The faithful droid nodded in agreement, recollecting how it took
all of the king's self control, as well as 592 pounds of concrete, to
keep him from stopping the punishment.
"Eh? Of course there's no shortage of hair! Yes, of course of I'm
sure. Yes, I'm positive. Yes, I swear by the Holy Face Bruise. Yes, I'm
glad you know the truth, too." The president slapped the phone into the
cradle and muttered, "Ingrate." Leaning back in his chair, the
two-foot-high man stretched and yawned. After glancing around quickly to
make sure no one was watching, he pulled one of the tufts of hair from
the side of his head and scratched an itch it had covered. Suddenly, the
view screen on his office wall flickered to life and he quickly slapped
his hand to his head, fearfully staring at the face that had appeared.
"President Scourge," the woman said briskly, ignoring his obscure
pose, "We have word that Princess Vexed's car is within range. Would you
like to step onto the bridge to view the happenings?"
"Why sure, my pretty little... mind if I call you Ucchan?" Scourge
said, grinning lecherously. The woman frowned, and Scourge had to jump
back quickly to avoid the giant spatula that swung down from the
ceiling. As it raised back up, he snatched a panty that he had dropped
under it. "Why thanks, now I don't have to iron these!"
Lieutenant Kuonji stared bug eyed at the undergarment, then cried,
"Hey, that's mine!" She quickly regained her composure and pushed a
nearby shiny, red button. The spatula crackled, then promptly turned
Scourge into charcoal.
Terminating the connection, she turned to the rest of the crew and
ordered, "When the president is feeling better, please lock him in a
safe with a view port so that he may view the capture of the princess
without causing any trouble."
"Aye, sir!"
"Sir, Princess Vexed's shuttle is right in front of us!" one man
cried, pointing out the view port. Thunder Helmet turned to the window,
while Colonel Hibiki turned to the bathroom.
"Excellent!" Helmet cried, jabbing a finger forward. "Fire a
warning shot across her bow!"
"But sir," one man said, peering out the window. "It doesn't have a
bow."
"Eh?" Hibiki said, scratching his head. "Why not?"
"It's a Mercedes, sir."
"So what DOES it have?!" Thunder Helmet thundered from under his
helmet at the informer.
"Well, it has two drink holders, all-leather interior, a CD player,
AM/FM radio..." the man said, ticking off on his fingers. Thunder Helmet
and Colonel Hibiki smacked him across the head.
"I meant, instead of a bow!" Helmet roared. Hibiki smacked him
across the head.
"Stop roaring and thundering in my ear!" he grumbled, poking his
left ear.
Helmet was about to reply when he saw that the lasers were going
everywhere except at the car. So were the rockets, fishing nets, and
cows. "Hey!" he shouted, lifting his visor. "Who's wasting our
livestock?!"
"Sorry sir, doin' the best I can!" one man said, turning around.
Helmet and Hibiki saw that long chains hung from his sleeves and were
intertwined with all the controls in front of him, and thick glasses
were perched on top of his head.
"Who is he?" Helmet demanded, whispering to Hibiki.
"Mousse, sir."
"No, he's not."
"Yes, sir, he is."
"I can see clearly-" Helmet started angrily.
"Now your hair is gone?" Hibiki finished. Helmet snapped his teeth
together and glared at the colonel.
"Don't do that! I mean he's obviously a FaceFault-" *WHACK* Helmet
quickly jumped up and wiped the blood away from his nose. "NOT a moose!"
"That's his name, sir. And it's Mousse, not Moose," Hibiki informed
him.
"Eh?" Thunder inquired, tilting his head to the side.
"It's Mousse, not Moose, as in close, not clothes, or heir, not
air," Hibiki explained.
Thunder Helmet scratched his helmet in obvious understanding. "Well, who
made him a gunner, anyway?" he asked, glancing over at the man who was
still waiting for an order.
"I did sir," another man answered, talking to a coffee machine. "He
's my brother." He too had long robes with chains hanging from the
sleeves and oversized glasses on his forehead.
"How many Mooses do we have on this ship, anyway?" Thunder Helmet
inquired helplessly, looking around.
"'Lo!" said nearly all the men in the room as they stood up, facing
all different directions, all of them with glasses on their foreheads
and loose sleeves.
"Great," Helmet said in an exasperated tone, "I'm surrounded by
Moose!" Shrugging, he lowered his visor. "Keep firing, Mooses!"
Vexed and Hot jerked in surprise as lasers, rockets and farm
animals flew past them.
"Aiyah!" Hot exclaimed. "We is shotting at!" Vexed wondered for a
second why they could create a droid that was nearly impossible to
distinguish from a human, but they couldn't make it speak properly.
Vexed quickly reached for a phone and dialed her home number. "Why
can't I just escape from the planet in peace?" she lamented, while Hot
shook her head.
Meanwhile, in a Flairmobile, a young man was asleep at the wheel.
It's not such a big issue in space, as there's not really much to run
into. He was awaken from his slumber by the ringing that signaled an
incoming video call. "Pop..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Pop!" he
called, louder.
In the back of the Flairmobile, a panda was practicing a kata in a
small room with posters of Ling-Ling all over the walls. He had the word
"Belch" dyed into the fur of his chest. Hearing the boy's voice call him
from the front of the bus, he stopped and grunted in frustration. He
lumbered up into the cockpit and flicked the "Receive" switch.
The image of a tanned man in large red sunglasses and a small palm
tree on his head appeared. [Whoops,] the Belch's sign read. [Wrong
switch.]
"'Ey, troublemakahs, 'ow you doin'?" the man greeted cheerfully.
"Whatta ya want, Ninny?" the boy inquired impatiently.
"Oh, but it not 'bout what I wan', it what SHE wan'," Ninny said,
pointing to the side. The view scrolled over to reveal a woman sitting
on a pile of velvet cushions with a wine glass in her hand.
"BAKA THE HUTT!" the boy exclaimed, Belch's sign bearing the same
message.
"That's BIKI!" the woman shouted, then her eyes widened as a hair
flew out of place. She snapped her fingers, and a servant instantly
appeared with a tray of hair-care products. "Any way," she said drolly,
"If it isn't Lone Stallion and his partner Burp."
[That's Belch.]
"When will you two be delivering the money which you owe me?" Biki
inquired, ignoring the sign. She casually held her hand out for a
manicure as she waited for a reply.
"Aw, we'll get the ten-thousand to you next week," Lone Stallion
said off-handedly, smirking.
"A thousand?" Biki questioned with raised eyebrows. "Haven't you
ever heard of inflation? If you factor that in, you owe me..." She
stopped and placed her pinky to her lips. "One hundred-million
spaceyen."
"One hundred-million!?" Lone Stallion cried, jerking backwards.
"Are you crazy?"
"Of course not, dear," Biki said, sipping from her drink. "Why do
you ask?" She held out her hand and Ninny instantly handed her a coconut
with an umbrella and stray in it. Lone Stallion and Belch stared at the
now-blank screen.
Belch's sign pretty much summed up both their thoughts right then.
[Shit.]
Stallion nodded.
Just then, the ringing started again, and Belch hesitantly flipped
the switch. To their relief, it was only a king. A king?
"Please, Lone Stallion!" King Tendo cried, tears pouring from his
eyes. "My daughter needs your help! You're the only one who is close
enough to rescue her!"
Stallion held up his hands. "Waitaminute, back up. Rescue who from
who?"
"My daughter from the FaceFaults!" *WHAP*
[The FaceFaults?] *WHACK* Belch's face accidentally hit a button,
and King Tendo's face was replaced by a war scene, the Ewoks versus the
Pokemon. Quickly hitting the button again, and the king returned.
"I don't know," Stallion said carefully, "About that. After all, I
am number one on Thunder Helmet's hit list. And you know what happens to
his victims." King Tendo shudder and placed a hand over his crotch.
"But Lone Stallion! I'll give you ANYTHING! Did you hear me? ANY-"
[Even the top-quality deluxe Do-It-Yourself-Hair-Styling-Kit?]
Belch inquired hopefully.
"Well...." Tendo said, dropping his gaze.
"How 'bout a hundred-million-spaceyen?" Stallion quickly suggested,
glaring at the panda.
"WHAT?" Tendo cried, and the screen was filled with a ghastly image
of his face, with the inclusion of a forked tongue and glowing eyes.
"AAUUUGGHHH!!!" Stallion cried, jumping backwards. "You SAID
_anything_!"
Tendo's head returned to normal, and he nodded reluctantly. "I...
guess I did. Well, Lone Stallion, I'm counting on you!" With a tearful
nod, he terminated the connection.
Belch whirled upon Stallion. [You fool! Do you have any idea how
badly I wanted that kit?!]
[Look! They're locked in the tractor beam of that ship!] Belch
exclaimed, pointing at the scene in front of them. Lone Stallion nodded
absent-mindedly.
"We'll have to go in there and take them on our Flairmobile," he
announced. Belch's eyes widened.
[But we'll show up on the radar!] he insisted. Lone Stallion
grinned.
"I got everything under control," he said with a confident wave of
his hand. Grinning, he pushed a large red button. Whenever someone
pushes a large, red button, something bad happens. Large, red buttons
usually do not belong on spaceships. This case is an exception, of
course. A small hatch opened up, revealing to holes that could fit two
hands perfectly. Stallion slipped his hands into them, and grinned
wider. Belch nodded knowingly.
Two large hands slid out of their chambers outside the Flairmobile,
and the heels of the palms rested against each other.
"LOCO MOKO TACKY FIC!" he shouted, and a huge orb of energy shot
from the hands, clipping the radar dish off of the top of the FaceFault
Ship. Belch nodded approvingly.
"Sir!"
"Yes?" Thunder Helmet and Colonel Hibiki replied, turning to the
man who had spoken.
"The radar's gone!"
"What?" Hibiki asked, shocked.
"I said, the ra-"
"How?" Thunder Helmet interrupted, stepping up to the console.
"I don't know, sir, it just... is," the man answered, shrugging.
"Colonel!" another man shouted from across the room. "I've just
seen an object off to our side! It appears to be...." he trailed off,
looking out a window through a pair of binoculars.
"Yes?" Hibiki inquired, gesturing for him to continue.
"...Our radar dish..."
Thunder Helmet and Hibiki blinked. "...the hell?" Helmet asked no
one in particular.
"...And an orb of energy," the man finished. "And I'm getting a
reading that it was formed from arrogance!"
Thunder Helmet jerked his head up at the last word. Slipping the
visor over his eyes, he announced, "Only ONE man owneth such a
ridiculous amount of arrogance, and that man beeth LONE STALLION! I
shall destroy that arrogant fiend!" A man held up a cardboard cut-out of
a lightning bolt.
"Fight fire with fire, I suppose," Hibiki remarked thoughtfully.
"Be quiet, that I might smite thee," Helmet warned, then tried to
lift his visor. "Now, how doseeth this confounded thing work again?"
"What that?" Hot cried as both her and Vexed heard a loud thump
from the top of the car. Vexed looked upward as the top slid open,
revealing a large, fat, black and white creature! Vexed, using the sort
of logic she had used all of her life, punched its face in.
The creature shook its head and fumbled around, eventually holding
up a sign. [Owpth! Thapth hurpth!]
Vexed pulled her fist back again. The creature's eyes widened and
another sign popped up, revealing its true, good-hearted intentions.
[DON'T HURT ME!!!] She planted her fist in its left eye.
[We're here to help you!] the creature insisted, eyeing the
princess's fist warily. She lowered it and removed the brass knuckles.
"In that case, get out of my way!" she growled, shoving it aside
and hopping out. Placing a foot on the ladder leading to the
Flairmobile, she paused and added, "Whatever you are."
[I AM A PAN] its sign read in large, bold letters. Vexed blinked.
"What's a pan?" she asked quizzically.
*Fwip* [-DA]
"Oh," Vexed said tonelessly. As Hot began climbing out, she said,
"Well, if you're not doing anything, bring my bags, will you?" The panda
sighed wearily.
Lone Stallion glanced backward and jerked in surprise. Belch was
carrying several boxes and bags, and the strain on him was obvious to
Stallion's highly-trained eye. All the signs were there; tripping over
the tongue, eyes protruding four inches, dripping with sweat, shaking
legs, and the wooden sigh reading, [HE-HEAVY!!]
"What the heck is that?" he exclaimed, watching as Belch collapsed
under the bags with a crunching sound.
[The princess's luggage,] Belch answered, the writing barely
legible.
"Jeee-zus! ALL that junk?" Stallion muttered, flipping the intercom
switch. "Listen up!" he called arrogantly, "I'm the captain of this
ship, and I say that that baggage is a hazard to my patience. It's
going."
In the rear, Vexed glowed brightly. "How DARE you say that! That's
MY luggage and it STAYS!"
"The ship steers like a beached whale with that junk in here!"
Stallion shouted. "It's not stayin' here long..." he searched his mind
for a proper way to address her. "...Tomboy!"
"TOMBOY!?" Vexed fairly screamed. "I'll show YOU tomboy, you..."
"Easily, no doubt," Stallion retorted.
"Grrr..." Vexed ended the conversation by punching in the intercom.
Hot stared at her with wide eyes.
"That not good for health," she remarked sagely.
In a large room located near the bottom of the ship, a large
dishonor guard was standing around Thunder Helmet, watching alertly as
the princess's car slowly rose up through a docking hatch in the floor.
The men could practically FEEL the arrogant and victorious expression on
Thunder Helmet's face, much to their pride. They could also SMELL what
he had eaten for lunch, much to their anguish.
"Princess Vixen," he started, stepping forward. One of the men
looked like he was about to say something, then apparently stopped.
"Thou art no doubt marveling at the skill we have presented in capturing
thou. Our clever scheme to take thy planet's supply of hair is truly the
greatest ever devised! None can defy the FACE- ah- Fa- um..." he
faltered, glancing around. "...Us." He glanced over his shoulder, and
gestured angrily at his most dishonored guard. The man blinked, then
suddenly dropped his gun and lifted up a cardboard cut-out of a rabbit.
He was later evicted from Thunder Helmet's dishonor guard.
Finishing his speech, Helmet stepped up to the car and fumbled with
the latch. He looked up at the men surrounding him and fumbled with it
some more. After banging on the door a few times, he flipped his visor
up and asked, "Does anyone got a key or somethin'??
Colonel Hibiki sighed and stepped up. After a careful analysis of
the door and it's entire surface area, he held up a straight finger.
Thunder Helmet's eyes widened and he started to shout, "NOT TH-" but
never managed to finish.
After the dust cloud settled, Hibiki glanced at the twitching
figure on the floor. "It's open," he offered. Helmet grumbled a reply
that caused all men in the room to slap a hand over their groins.
Once he stood up, he looked inside the car and shouted, "She's not
in here! Dammit, you guys are supposed to be skillful, or something!"
The men glanced at each other and decided it would be best to not remind
him who had been instructing them at the time.
Suddenly, an technician ran into the room with news. "Sir, a
Flairmobile has been spotted to our port side!"
"A... Flairmobile...?" Thunder Helmet repeated, placing a hand to
his chin. Suddenly, his head snapped up, and he shouted, "Aw man, it's
that crummy Lone Stallion!" He blinked and glanced around at the un-awed
faces. He quickly slapped his visor down and re-shouted, "Curses! It
must be-eth that fiend, Lone Stallion!"
The soon-to-be-evicted dishonor guard held up a cardboard cut-out
of an ass.
End pt. 1
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