Disclaimer

   Ranma, Shampoo-sama, Ryouga, Akari, and lesser characters
such as Mousse and Akane are all the intellectual, legal and
moral property of Miss Rumiko Takahashi.

   "The Lady or the Tiger", the story parodied here, was
written by Frank R. Stockton and deserves to rank as one of
the best works of literature in the 19th, 20th, or 21st century
and, like most of his other stories, should certainly be read
as soon as possible save that the Gentle Reader be already
acquainted with them.

"Beyond the Fields We Know", besides being a favorite phrase of
Lord Dunsaney in the stories that he wrote, was also the title
of one of his anthologies.

"I've stolen only from the very best, and in faith they missed
it not at all!" - 19th century Irish shoplifter.


   The Lady's Dilemma by Small Pink Mouse
   (Parody of Frank Stockton's "The Lady of the Tiger?")

   Here's an exercise in wet logic for you.

   Let us begin with the initial circumstances:

   During his wanderings Ryouga found a cure for his
shapechanging. When he came home to Akari he mailed detailed
directions of the site to Ranma. Ranma's desire for a cure,
which had often proved more potent than either his morals or
his sense, overcame his scruples concerning Ryouga's
navigational abilities. Akane's concern for Ranma caused her
to accompany him. Shampoo, both worried and hopeful,
followed the pair of them. Duck-Mousse, untrusted by Shampoo,
ws left behind in a locked cage with a promise that he would
have a share in the cure if Shampoo got lucky. With high
hopes the 3 of them followed the trail that Ryouga had blazed
Beyond The Fields We Know.

   No one in Japan or China will ever see them again.

************************************************************

   They ended up in a truly forsaken corner of the world.
Not only had Time forgotten this land but Time would have
hated you for having reminded Time that it had ever existed.
It was primitive. It was barbaric. It was vile. Only the dark
and potent Elder Magics that it commanded had kept it from
being overwhelmed by its more right-thinking neighbors a long
time ago. Unfortunately for our intrepid hero and heroines
there was nothing wrong with this kingdom's abilities in
archaic warfare. In spite of their skill in the martial arts
they were taken prisoner, before you could say 'chilled
ramen', by ambush and by force of numbers. Then they were
taken before the potentate for even in a region such as this
fighters of their skill were not common (And you may believe
that they had wrought great havoc among their captors before
they were overcome!).

   While they were before the throne Akane, being Akane,
had caught the potentate's eye and he resolved to make her a
part of his harem. With becoming royal graciousness he
informed her of his decision. Akane, for her part, looked upon
an individual who made Kuno seem wise, Happosai seem saintly
and either the man of her dreams in comparison with what she
beheld. Her reply when it came was untainted by any semblance
of moderation and neither of her companions blamed her. Things
would have gone hard with Akane then had not Shampoo intervened.

   Y'see, long ago Shampoo had essayed a spell of Universal
Translation upon herself with rather a mixed success. "I wish
to speak all languages understandably with a quality equal to
that with which I speak my native tongue." had seemed to her
to be a reasonably well-designed set of specifications that
would be hard to screw up but noooo!What she had gotten from
the spell was a tendency to speak in the third person and ungrammatically even in her own tongue that would last for a
seven year period after the spell had been cast. But she did
speak all other languages about as well as that for whatever
blessing that was.

   In this case, as they had wandered into a realm where the
kindly laws of Anime no longer applied (Japanese and Chinese
are both languages of The Fields We Know and it must be
remembered that they had wnadered Far Beyond!) it *was* a
blessing. On the one hand the ability to communicate placed all
3 of them beyond the category of 'clever animals' that
barbaric minds tend to place foreigners in to the extent that
Shampoo was able to find her way around a culture that was
both new and strange (And Shampoo, had you asked her, would
have argued that, excluding Mousse and Cologne, she had
greater experience with this sort of thing then the rest of the
Ranmaverse put together!). Better still, upon the other hand,
was the fact that neither Ranma nor Akane spoke enough of the
native tongue to contradict anything she chose to say. This
meant that Shampoo need not chafe the way that all fertile
minds must when they find themselves confined to mere mortal
truth.

   Thus neither, Shampoo deemed, were in a position to
gainsay her when Shampoo "explained" that she and Akane were
both Ranma's slaves ('fianc�?and 'wife' both translated
into this foul language that way and Shampoo had already
decided that this was _not_ the time for lectures on
Suffrage and Sisterhood!) and Ranma was under a dreadful,
dreadful curse that was triggered by unwanted advances upon
his slaves. Worse than that, this curse was contagious and
might easily be contracted from Ranma. If any man were to
harm him or try to seperate his slaves from him they too
would fall victim to this very terrible curse.

   Surreptitiously removing her water pistol from her
pocket (Hey, if you had to deal with Mousse on a regular
basis wouldn't you want one?) she squirted Ranma (After
whispering in his ear "Play along, play along. No ask
questions!" and then turning to the Sultan said, "See this
happen to him when he think disrespectful thoughts about
slaves. And if any man harm him the same befall them and man
who catch curse from him can be locked into slave form
forever. Shorthaired pervert-slave over there was once male.
See what happen after she try to separate Ranma from Shampoo
and hit Ranma with intent to harm? It best that 3 of us
leave realm very, very quick before curse take root and
spread. 3 fast horses and large bag of gold be very good way
to make it so!"

   And when the court mage averred that a curse of this
sort made no sense Shampoo rounded on him and demanded of
him in her fractured speech when it had been that magic
had ever made sense or had ever been of use to Mankind. And
when she spake thus the court mage and all who heard her
bowed their heads in defeat for they knew that never in
all of history and all of Eternity, whether within or
Beyond The Fields We Know had it ever been that magic
had ever made sense or had ever been of use to mankind.

   Things might have gone well then save for a problem
that not even one such as Shampoo could have anticipated.
The magic of this area was stronger than the magic of the
area in which she had worked her previous spells and
unbeknownst to her the power and area of her translation
spell had been boosted so that Ranma and Akane by standing
close to her were able to understand everything that she
had said in that barbarous tongue. Ranma, as a true son
and student of Gemna Saotome had understood enough of what
Shampoo was doing to take it all in stride and had scarcely
needed Shampoo's admonition when she had splashed him. But
Akane, as was her wont, thought with her pride and emotion
rather than with her mind. She burst into an immediate
denunciation of Shampoo as a liar and concluded with the
words, "I am not this fool's slave. I'm a free woman!" and
because of the ambience of the translation spell she was
understood by all present at court. Yet Shampoo was not
alone in her dismay for long, for Akane clapped her hand
over her mouth in consternation when she heard her phrase
translate into their foul tongue as "Akane not this fool's
slave. Akane unclaimed property!"

   The king's reaction was thunderous and swift, and we
must not blame Shampoo too harshly for feeling her powers of
diplomacy and invention wither and die. Still, even as Ranma
furtively applied a thermos of hot water to his body, she
sought to salvage what she could by claiming that madness
and delusion were the next stage of those infected by the
curse that overcame those who sought to separate master and
slave, and that the supplying of the gold and horses was now
urgent as well as important.

   Then the king did turn unto Shampoo. And the court
wizard did turn unto Shampoo. And nobles, and courtiers, and
eunuchs and guards all turned unto Shampoo.

   And all did commend the niceness of her try!

   Shampoo now bowed her own head for she knew by this
token that she had failed. The guards layed hands on them at
the king's gesture and, had Shampoo's father heard the
things Shampoo muttered in that moment concerning Akane
Tendo's mating habits, intellect, ancestry and species, the
interior of Shampoo's mouth would surely have know the taste
of soap.

   Then was Ranma taken into durance vile that he might be
judged by the King's Justice. And Akane was taken into
durance luxurious that she might be trained and initiated
into the king's harem. And Shampoo, by the King's express
command, was taken into durance comfortable for though he
was vile and cruel and all those things that would make even
the powers of Darkness blanch yet was he really not all bad.
There was often a measure of grace in his unfair dealings
and the manner in which Shampoo's attempt at deceit had
almost succeeded touched that within him which passed for
humor.

************************************************************

   Now this was the manner in what the king was pleased to
call his justice was wrought within the land: There were two
doors, one of Blessing and one of Bane. And not even the
king was permitted by the king to know which of these 2
things waited behind which door. Should he who was accused
choose to open the door of Bane then clearly he was a man of
guilt and from within would come forth the wrath of the
King's Justice in the form of a hungry tiger who had been
raised on the finest of human flesh.

   Nor was this tiger an ordinary eater of men. In the
days of the King's youth his tyranny had been so fierce that
wise and loving fathers had thought it best for their children
to teach their sons a form of unarmed combat known as the
Catfist so that these sons might have opportunity, as well as
reason, to overthrow the King. And great had been the
slaughter among those whom served the King. Certain would the
overthrow of the King had been had he not called together his
wise men and magicians and devised with them an unanswerable
counter to the Way of the Catfist. He had his servants procure
100 tiger cubs and taught each cub the diet that no animal
should be permitted. Then, as the next stage of their training,
each cub had crusts of bread tied around its waist and was
daily thrown into a pit of starving humans. And when the cubs
had grown into the fullness of their strength the fury of even
the mightiest Catfist fighter was of no avail against the power
of the weakest of the Humanclaw tigers. The rebellion was
crushed, the spirit of the peasantry broken, and the yoke of
the King upon the land was that of Iron.

   But the tigers who wrought so on behalf of the King were
taken and cosseted and fed upon the tenderest fillets of
unspeakable meat, and used as personification of the king's
justice and power on occasions such as this: And the tiger
who now lurked behind the door of Bane on this occasion was
the largest, cruelest and boldest of all the Humanclaw tigers
within the realm.

   Still, the king in his wisdom knew that justice had 2
faces and if it were true that guilt deserved punishment was
it not also true that something so rare as innocence deserved
reward? It seemed to him a terrible thing that a man should
be falsely accused, and with the strange grace that
characterized all his tyranny, he ordained that there should
be compensation for all unjust suspicion. Thus there was the
door of Blessing. Behind that door would be a young and
carefully selected human female of wholesome appearance who
was of a station deemed appropriate to the accused whom the
accused would have forever as his own, in addition to
whatever females he might already have, to tame and
domesticate as he would. These trials were always held in an
arena to which the populace flocked so that justice could be
seen to have been done publicly, *and guilt or innocence was
determined by the prisoner's choice between two identical
doors*!

************************************************************

   It was the King's pleasure that Ranma should be put on
trial in this manner for vagrancy, assault upon his lawmen,
and fraud. But disciples of the school founded by Happosai
were not the sort to meekly accept any odds that could be
altered, and Ranma was no exception to this rule. He knew
his Akane, and Miss Tendo being Miss Tendo he was quite
certain that she would make it her business to use her
position within the harem to find out which open cage was
behind which door when even the King himself knew not. It
was his plan to trust in her and follow her guidance as to
which door should be selected.

   Events proved that Akane was indeed Akane. From her
quarters within the harem, when she satisfied herself that
she could not escape, she had indeed made it her business
to ascertain the door behind which the Humanclaw tiger was
hid. But she did more then this and found that the cage
behind the other door contained Shampoo!

   The demons of jealousy gnawed upon Akane's liver.
That Ranma would go away leaving her behind was bad, but
the picture that formed in her mind of a smiling Shampoo
walking away with *him* leaving Akane behind to a life of
degradation and misery seemed to her a thing beyond all
human endurance. Better that he should die beneath the
tiger's claws then that should ever be! (Eunuchs and harem
girls alike flinched when Akane smashed a bronze statue to
fragments with but a single blow!).

   But then the thought of that tender flesh being rent
by flashing fangs came before the inner eye of her mind,
and the mere thought of that vision seemed too terrible to
be borne. How could any woman wish a fate like that on the
man she loved? Was it not better to hold and comfort him
and keep him safe in loving arms against all the world?
She would choose Shampoo, she would! She would save *her*
Ranma...

   (The inmates of the harem edged away from the sight of
Akane kneeling upon the marble floor to tenderly cradle
bronze fragments inside her arms!).

   .....For Shampoo?

   FOR THAT BIMBO??????????

   (Fragments became rubble!).

   And so it went throughout the night for this was the
weakness in Ranma's plan. Akane, confronted with a decision
like this, knew not how Akane would choose. A hundred statues
broke that night but when the dawn came Akane was - resolved!
She covertly pointed to a single door and Ranma chose it
without hesitation. But there was a detail that both had
permitted to slip from their minds: Just as Akane was Akane
so it was that Shampoo was Shampoo - and she had broken
loose!

   She had waited until 6 minutes before the moment of
decision to make her move. The pitcher of drinking water
inside her cage was empty and shattered as though it had been
dropped suddenly. The pot of hot water outside her cage
was upended upon its side as though tipped over by the paws
of a cat. The guards of both night shift and day shift had been
deposed of without a sound (Those of tender heart may take
comfort that Shampoo's bottle of Formula 411 was now quite empty!)
and the keys of the Captain of the Palace Guard were now within
her hand alongside the maps and floor layouts that she had him
draw while under the influence of acupressure hypnosis. Two
pounds of opium had been tossed into the mouth of the Tiger
while the scent of cat was still upon her and she had leaped
back out before it could see that she was human. Her plan was
a simple one and, if Akane could be trusted, this time surprise
would be their weapon rather than the King's. Upon the door
being open *her* Ranma would be right by Shampoo's side. A
leap, a grab, and a second leap and Shampoo would have
Mallet-girl with them as well. Then, with 8 perfectly
acceptable pieces of swordfodder to screen their retreat (The
tenderheartedness of Shampoo when her friends were threatened
was limited, and it was not without reason that her bottle of
Formula 411 was empty!) Shampoo would mount one horse,
Akane the other, and Ranma (unable to ride) would be taken
across Shampoo's saddlebow as they made their escape. Then,
if Akane could be trusted they could....

   ...If Akane could be trusted!

   *Could* Akane be trusted???

   Shampoo scowled. To switch the cages, even with the
assistance of her guards, would be the work of 3 minutes and
she wished them fresh for the work she had in mind. Time
diverted for that purpose was time that could be spent in the
focusing of qi (Shampoo was loathe to abandon the use of a
Spiral Dance as her backup plan should things go awry!) and
would be an exercise in ruin should Akane prove trustworthy
after all.

   But what if Akane had chosen Ranma's death? The opium
that Shampoo had tossed into the Tiger's mouth was potent and
had been laced with certain potions that the Amazon herbalist
steep brew well, but she was not sure of their efficy against
the frenzy of the Humanclaw  and it seemed to her to be a
slender reed on which to trust Ranma's life. The tiger, she
deemed, could be defeated by a Ranma who kept his head and
utilized the Spiral Dance but we must record to Shampoo's
discredit that her faith in Ranma's ability to keep his head
in such circumstances was less than an admirer of Ranma
might have wished it to be.

   She glared at the doors of each cage while she pondered
what to do...

************************************************************

   Now thus far all we have is no more than a simple
retelling of Frank R. Stockton's 'The Lady Or The Tiger' in
a way that makes use of the Ranmaverse characters so let us
rephrase his question in a way that will make Shampoo's true
dilemma a tad more plain.

   If *you* were Shampoo which would worse, to have Ranma
die because you had assumed Akane's jealousy when you should
have trusted her love for him or to see him perish because
you'd trusted her love when you should have assumed her
jealousy? Remember that every moment taken to ponder this is
a moment taken from your preperations to save yourself, your
rival, and Ranma. It was 5 minutes before the Gate opened
when you paused to consider these issues. Ten seconds have
elapsed. Good luck with your choice Shampoo!

   Finis

   C&C may be sent to mangaaddict@hotmail.com

   This is my first fanfic so please be gent- AW, GO AHEAD
AND USE THE HOBNAILED BOOTS ^_^. Ain't gonna learn if I don't
hear it frank ^_~!
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