Subject: [FFML] Re: [fanfic][Dirty Pair/Zeiram] Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot Chapter 3
From: "D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net>
Date: 9/10/2000, 5:43 PM
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>, "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>

Snippage throughout...



 >Whereas the ground was dominated by the living, the
 >massive buildings that were built so close together
 >commanded the skies by seeming to stretch all the way to
 >the heavens. They hemmed the populous in as though the
 >streets were nothing more than an enormous maze designed
 >for the gods to watch the indigenous population of
 >Zanibat, the largest city on Delabar, scurry around like
 >giant colony of lab rats.

like *a* giant colony




 >"Gee, there's seems to be an awful lot of people still
 >alive for a place that Zeiram was supposed to be hanging
 >out," Kei said.

place *where* Zeiram




 >"This is odd," Yuri admitted to Kei as she narrowly
 >avoided being trampled by a small herd of commuters that
 >were frantically scurrying about. Apparently

Apparently,



 >getting to
 >work at the last minute was a habit indigenous to the
 >population of Zanibat, if not the entire planet.
 >

[snip]


 >xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 >
 >"How could it possibly take over half an hour to walk
 >lousy two blocks?" Iria grumbled.

walk *a* lousy




 >"It looks like they don't take their literature as
 >seriously as they do their other businesses," Yuri stated
 >blandly as she compared it to the other structures. The
 >other buildings still had many people going in and out of
 >their doors. The library had nary a soul to do either. At
 >least it meant they could probably get a computer link right away/

away.



 >The trio of women entered and were surprised to see that
 >the interior contrasted sharply with the outside. Bland
 >and indifferent without, the inside was a menagerie of
 >bright colors, from blazing red carpeting to banana
 >yellow walls that would make one believe that if they
 >peeled the plaster away a white fruit would be found underneath.
 >
 >"Reminds me of your apartment," Yuri commented to Kei.
 >
 >Through two sets of transparent doors, the women entered
 >the lobby and saw an obese man sleeping upright in a one
 >of the comfortable chairs lining the entryway. He was
 >dressed in an outfit that identified him as a security
 >guard who was currently securing as much sleep as he
 >could. Beyond him was a long, semi-circular desk that
 >stretched nearly the entire length of the lobby. To the
 >right and left were the entrance and exits to the library
 >proper. A mechanical laser marker and pass system to
 >count the number of people that entered the library was
 >next to them. Behind and above the desk, in large red
 >lettering, was the word, 'Greetings.'
 >
 >There was but one person manning the massive front desk.
 >A single,

No comma; otherwise, it carries the suggestion that she is
unmarried. :)



 >blonde woman that was young and wore a business
 >suit that looked more suited for a boardroom than a
 >receptionist.

You've got a sentence fragment, now. Suggest:

     There was but one person manning the massive
     front desk, a young blonde woman wearing a
     business suit more suited for a boardroom
     than a library reception desk.




 >Kei noted the girl was far more attractive
 >than the squirrelish types she had become familiar with
 >in the few libraries she had been in during her life.
 >Curiously, it was almost always older and more shrewish
 >women that were the norm at most places; an odd universal
 >constant whose reasons escaped Kei.
 >
 >The librarian, Janet Nagumo, turned her attention from
 >her pile of paperwork and looked the three newcomers
 >over. The assessment was cursory and concise: two bimbos
 >wearing little more than overly large bikinis with
 >sidearms strapped to their hips and a third, older woman
 >that was shorter than the others and less bimbo looking.

bimbo-looking.



 >Janet shot to her feet and began wagging her finger at
 >Yuri. "Yes, you do. Part of my job was to help manage all
 >of the payments to the grievances that were filed against
 >you for the damage you inflicted on the galaxy at large.
 >That was one of the reasons I quit. You guys were
 >personally responsible for making me work around the clock!"
 >
 >"Are you sure it wasn't your pitbull like

pitbull-like



 >demeanor that
 >failed to endear yourself to your coworkers which drove
 >you away?" Yuri said with a sly smile as she leaned
 >forward and over the desk.
 >

[snip]



 >Kei answered, "Hell, yeah. We went out for almost six
 >months and I really liked hi... hey! How did you know
 >about that?!"
 >
 >Janet shook her head sadly. "I was afraid of that. He
 >must have forgot to mention that the sex with me was ten
 >times better too."

better, too."



 >"I wish I had your people skills."
 >
 >"Oh, be quiet," Kei snapped back at Iria.
 >
 >A smile crept across Iria's features despite her fiercest
 >attempts at hiding it. Watching Kei in action had been
 >amusing. Still, she was uncertain if she would have dealt
 >with the situation any better than troubleshooters had.

than *the* troubleshooters



 >"Blech. Don't they have real people here to work the
 >place?" Kei never cared much for robots doing other
 >people's jobs. Part of that was because so many of the
 >darn things had tried to kill her in the past, though she
 >supposed that was

that *she* was



 >a bit biased since far more human
 >beings had tried to kill her than robots. And most of the
 >time the robots were acting under orders from other
 >people. Still, she preferred dealing with human beings
 >rather than machines. Flesh and blood were far more
 >unpredictable and interesting than a robot that only
 >performed whatever functions it was programmed to do.

[snip]



 >The robot picked up where it had left off. "As I was
 >saying, he decided to create a suppository of information
 >that would benefit everyone. However, he was afraid that
 >there might be some sort of cataclysm that would wipe our
 >ability to employ technology, or somehow eliminate access
 >to the information net. For without the ability to build
 >upon the knowledge of others, the centuries of
 >advancement of civilization could possibly be lost within
 >a generation. So he created hard copies of the
 >information that would more commonly be stored on
 >datadisks. Before you is the greatest suppository of books -"
 >
 >Kei began giggling. "Hey, Yuri. Why not try their War and
 >Peace enema? I hear it's long, but satisfying, just the
 >way you like it."

HAHAHAHA!!!




 >"Did I say something humorous?" the robot asked.
 >
 >"Just continue." Yuri shot Kei a warning glare that
 >seemed to not affect her partner in the least.
 >
 >The robot did as it was ordered. "Before you is the
 >greatest suppository of books in this section of the
 >galaxy. Mr. Benjamin Dover invested the majority of his
 >billions into the library. It took over a hundred people
 >ten years to track down all of these original books and
 >another three years to restore them to their high
 >quality. Nowhere is there a collection that is as
 >comprehensive or as vast as this. If I was capable of
 >pride, I would be proud to announce that the library is
 >scheduled to be classified as one of the modern wonders
 >of Delabar."
 >
 >"Ha, ha! I can see it now!" Kei interrupted, barely able
 >to speak between laughs. "Come to Delabar and see the Ben
 >Dover Book Suppository, where you'll leave sore but
 >smarter. WAHAHA!"

:) The same thing could be said of hanging out with the Dirty Pair.



 >Shrugging, Alan said, "Couldn't be helped. I managed to
 >pick up a, shall we say, companion that elected to spend
 >the night with me. She was very reluctant to let me go
 >when she awoke this morning." He unleashed a wolfish grin.
 >
 >Conroy made no effort to hide his jealousy. "I don't know
 >how you manage to pick up so many women. Good looking ones too."

ones, too."

Must be that majestic worker-ant personality that lands him all that
female company. :P




 >Alan put another shot in each of the guards' heads before
 >closing the door behind him and moving to the primary
 >computer in the room. His information had been specific
 >about the capabilities of the system and the passwords
 >involved in accessing it. With time wasting, he simply
 >shot off the metal plate to the interior of the machine
 >and pulled out several of the circuit boards, replacing
 >them with the ones he carried. He turned on the system,
 >disabled all of the internal alarms and exterior
 >communication, save at the computers that the women were
 >using. He then went to the robot command protocols and
 >typed in a new set of instruction.

instructions.



 >That was where his new
 >circuit boards would be most useful, disabling all of the
 >fail-safe devices in the robots' design and instantly
 >allowing them to operate with the new set of commands
 >Alan entered. He slaved the robots to a small keypad he
 >carried with him. Typing a brief command in the keypad,
 >he found his order accepted. All was in readiness.
 >
 >He looked at the security cameras on the fifth floor of
 >the building. All three of his targets were still present
 >and in the exact same position he had expected them to be
 >in. Satisfied that the second step of his plan was now in
 >place, and that he still had time to get to his targets,
 >he exited them

the


 ?room, closing the door behind him and
 >blasting the control pad. It was suspicious, but not as
 >condemning as someone finding three dead bodies in the room.
 >
 >Moving with the fluid grace of an animal stalking its
 >prey, Alan went to a back set of stairs that lay well out
 >of sight of his targets and rushed up to their floor. The
 >entire layout of the level still resided in the datafile
 >in his mind and the quickest path that would afford him
 >the most concealment was plotted. Pulling out the
 >multi-optics band from its pocket, he placed it on the
 >top of his head and then removed his trenchcoat and
 >proceeded to stuff it in an open place high on one of the
 >shelves. Leaving it on would be a risk, the long garment
 >possibly catching on something and slowing him down for
 >an instant at the worst possible moment. An instants

instant



 >was
 >the unit of time where life and death resided.
 >
 >Alan was still in the processes of tucking the garment
 >out of sight when an elderly  woman

extra space



 >rounded the far end
 >of the shelves about ten feet away. A soft gasp escaped
 >her lips as her eyes fell upon the gun in Alan's holster.
 >
 >The reaction was instantaneous. Alan brought his arm up
 >and hit a button on the side of the housing unit attached
 >to his wrist. There was a soft, whirring sound as the
 >necro-lash ripped through the air, little more than a
 >white blur. It was not energized as it wrapped itself
 >around the woman's throat and bit deep, preventing her
 >from managing even the soft whisper of a gasp. Had it
 >been powered up, it would have lopped the woman's head
 >off as easily as a molecular blade, but there would have
 >been an accompanying crack and the distinctive odor of
 >ozone had Alan employed that function. Instead, with the
 >metal cord around the unfortunate stranger's throat, he
 >jerked hard, snapping her neck before she could do more
 >than bring her hands up in to her throat in a
 >half-completed, futile gesture of trying to remove the
 >lash from her neck.
 >
 >Leaving the cord around her neck, he dragged the body
 >towards him and as out of sight as possible between the
 >rows of shelves. A quick look into the main aisle showed
 >no one present to have witnessed the killing.
 >
 >Now it was more a matter of time than ever. Even as
 >deserted as the library was at this time of day and as
 >far to the back as Alan was on this floor, someone would
 >stumble upon the dead woman soon enough and alert the
 >remaining staff. He had to move fast.
 >
 >Silently, he maneuvered between the long rows of shelves,
 >moving as quickly as he dared as he drew nearer the

Remove extra "the".



 >to
 >the targets. Luck was with him as he encountered no one
 >else and drew into position several meters away from the
 >women, hidden behind another, smaller row of shelves that
 >were common in this section, interlaced between the
 >handful of computer banks present. All three had their
 >backs to him. He identified each in turn: Iria, the
 >bounty hunter was sitting at the computer itself, the
 >troubleshooters, Kei and Yuri, standing to the side in
 >obvious agitation. Their attention was completely riveted
 >to the computer screen, just as Alan had hoped. There had
 >been a few distractions along the way, but overall the
 >plan had held together. Within minutes his job would be
 >completed and he would depart, hopefully without further
 >incident. Then he could hear about his handiwork on the
 >evening news as he waited to receive his bonus for the
 >successful completion of his mission.

[snip]




 >"Good idea," Kei agreed, though she would have been happy
 >to leave now and never set foot in the stupid building
 >ever again. And she sure as hell wasn't going to check
 >out any books.
 >
 >Iria's eyes bored into the screen as she scowled at it in
 >anger. This was one of the reasons she preferred allowing
 >Bob to deal with computer.

computers.



 >Reluctantly, Kei assented. Yuri nodded to let them know
 >she was ready. Kei went to the far end of the shelves and
 >around them, partially abandoning her cover so that she
 >would have a slightly better angle at hitting their
 >mysterious assailant. Kei would cover the section closest
 >to Iria; the most likely place that the gunman would fire
 >from. There was an increased risk involved for Kei to
 >even partially reveal herself, but there was no way she
 >would allow this creep to come close to injuring mentor.

injuring *her* mentor.




 >She'd sooner let herself be shot than allow that to happen.
 >
 >Yuri popped up from behind her the


Omit "her".




 >computer desk and
 >pointed her gun at the shelves. Iria had her own pistol
 >out and tensed up, ready to run. Taking a deep breath to
 >calm herself, Iria nodded once and started to run.

[snip]



 >Finding himself unexpectedly under fire, Alan darted back
 >under cover rather than risk a shot at Kei. Hoping the
 >move would buy him a few moments, he examined the
 >condition of his gun. Melted metal and open wiring told
 >him all he needed to. With a snarl he tossed the useless
 >weapon aside and activated his necro-lash, this time
 >charging it up. He considered employing the experimental
 >weapon, but quickly pushed it from his mind as he found
 >himself reluctant to use

Omit "use".




 >'test' it in the field now. It
 >would be better to rely upon something he was familiar
 >with than to risk it all with something he was uncertain
 >would even work.

[snip]



 >Another one came at them from the side and forced Kei to
 >open fire. She was beginning to get worried. Not so much
 >for herself, but for Iria, who was now on her own. True,
 >the bounty hunter had done all right operating alone for
 >years, but that did nothing to assuage Kei's fears. If
 >anything happened to Iria while she was dealing with a
 >pack of rolling garbage cans, she was never going to
 >forgive herself.

Oh, the indignity of a 'garbage can' taking *you* out. ^_^




 >Making herself flat against yet another row of shelves,
 >Iria took her eyes off where she thought the gunman had
 >darted to see what Kei and Yuri were shooting at. It took
 >only a moment to figure out what was going on as she saw
 >another robot reduced to expensive debris under the
 >women's concentrated fire. Returning her attention to her
 >former opponent, Iria made a mental note to shoot any of
 >the AR-10's that tried to get close to her.
 >
 >The gunman was the one behind the robots sudden spree; of
 >that Iria was certain. Hopefully, killing him would end
 >their rampage. If not, then the repair bill for the
 >library was going to be even more substantial than it
 >already was. But there were more important thing

things




 >to be
 >concerned about than money, like her continued health.

[snip]



 >Stunned for but a moment, Alan lay on his back, out of
 >Iria's sight, and assessed the damage from the blast. He
 >had been closer and taken the worst of it, at least
 >bruising some ribs if not breaking them outright.
 >Moreover

Moreover,



 >he lacked the armor Iria wore, meaning she was
 >almost certainly in better shape than him, as well as
 >obviously being better armed. There had been no mention
 >in the woman's dossier of bring a walking arsenal.
 >
 >The sound of something crackling at his wrist caught his
 >attention. His guts knotted deep as he looked down to see
 >that the housing unit for the necro-lash had been cracked
 >open, either from explosion of landing. A quick check
 >showed the weapon useless. Cursing in silence he hit the
 >manual release of the weapon and let fall to the ground.
 >He was down to only one offensive weapon left; just a
 >standard stiletto.
 >
 >Now he had a choice. There was a chance he could escape.
 >Then he could report what had happened and hope to be
 >left in the field despite his failure. It was possible;
 >his employers despised wasting any resource. And even if
 >he was demoted it would only mean a paycut and no chance
 >of ever advancing again unless he fell into favor with a
 >superior who would elevate him to a field operative once again.
 >
 >But no. Pride prohibited him from accepting failure as an
 >option. Win or lose, he would gamble with his life and
 >hope his skills were enough to pull him through. Either
 >that or get extremely lucky, though he had always been of
 >the opinion luck was one of his many skills. It was time
 >to put that theory to the ultimate test.
 >
 >Smoke filled the air and the room became hotter as the
 >incendiary device had done its work too well despite
 >being muted. All too combustible books had caught on fire
 >all around and it was spreading, becoming a miniature
 >inferno.

Suggest:  The all-too-combustible books had caught fire, and it was
spreading, becoming a miniature inferno.




 >The configuration of the battlefield had
 >changed, more in his favor than Iria's. It might be
 >enough to allow him to complete his mission. It had to be.
 >
 >It was time to risk using the prototype. In theory,
 >activating it should be no problem for it had worked in
 >the testing facilities. But that had been under ideal
 >conditions, and one of the suspected drawbacks of the
 >device was that it wasn't very durable. After being
 >hammered in the explosion and with all of the other
 >combat it had seen in the last couple of minutes (an
 >eternity, to Alan's perceptions), it would take a minor
 >miracle for the devise

device




 >to still be operational.

Split infinitive:  to be still operational.

[big snip]



 >Yuri sighed as Kei shouted "Wait for me," and tried to
 >catch up to Iria without giving the raven-haired
 >troubleshooter so much as a backward glance. Between what
 >had happened with the space station and the library,
 >there could no longer be any doubts. It had spelled out
 >things beyond a shadow of a doubt.
 >
 >It had turned into another one of 'those' missions again.
 >
 >"I'm almost getting too old for this," Yuri sighed as she
 >shouted at Kei to wait up because of her bad leg.

Hehehe. The Dirty Pair are holding true to form, all right. ^_^



 >Yep, this is turning out to be a little longer than I
 >originally thought. Still, hope you stick around for the
 >ride. Hopefully next chapter will be out sooner, once I
 >get a little more time to write. Things are still moving
 >a little slowly, by necessity as the plot thickens, but
 >expect things to move along a little faster in a chapter or two.

Very good, DB. The thick plottens, errr, the plot thickens. Look
forward to the next chapter.

Dave

*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html



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