At 22:14 2000.09.07, AlphSailor@aol.com wrote:

  "How was your day Akane?"
  "What would you like to drink Akane?"
  "Oh you a mastered a new kata Akane, how nice."
  "Did Kuno bother you again today Akane?"
  Kuno. As that hated name flashed through her mind, along with the
associated

] I think it may read better if it went as, 'As his hated name...'

or maybe 'As the hated name...'

  Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and bounding about.
  Their feet scarcely touching the ground before the figures werehurtling
  airborne once more. When they met fists and fleet blurred, attacking,
  blocking, exploring defenses and seeking soft, vulnerable spots in the
other.

] I don't like how this paragraph went (with some missing commas).
 I'd suggest:
    Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and
bounding around the area. Their feet scarely touching the ground,
they constantly hurtled themselves airborne. When they met, fists
and feet blurred as they attacked, defended, or explored each other's
defenses for vulnerable spots.

since we're rewriting, here's my 2 bits on the topic :)

 Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and bounding
about the yard, their feet scarely touching the ground as they constantly
hurtled themselves airborne. When they met, fists and feet blurredattacking,
defending and exploring defences, seeking those soft, vulnerable spots.

  "They're so quiet." Akane thought to herself. "No battle cries."
  She narrowed her eyes, studying the warriors before her. Her breathcaught
in
  her throat when she realized what was happening.

] Could replace 'when' with 'as.' It reads better to me.

i think i'd leave that as is...

  If Akane had been a little closer or a more experienced a martialartist
she

] Missing a comma after 'artist'

and after 'closer'

  Ranma back-flipped in mid-air and rebounded off the wall back at his
father.

] You used 'back-flip' unhyphenated earlier in the first paragraph.
Fix that problem.

or this one. the important thing is consistency

  "Shut up old man." Ranma snarled as the doubled over Genma triedrefilling
  his lungs with air.

] This sentence sounded funny to me. Try rewording it as '...the
doubled over Genma tried to refill his lungs with air.'

again, i'd leave this sentence alone.... i think it's a matter of stylistic differences...

  Winding up, Ranma finished off his father with a nice western-style
uppercut
  that sent him into the pond. The panda sat up slowly giving his son awary
  eye.

] Suggest eliminating 'nice,' as it isn't necessary. Add a comma
between 'slowly giving'

perhaps replace 'nice' with 'perfectly executed'?

  "Um, when's breakfast? I'm starvin"

] Missing peroid here.

and an apostrophe "starvin'."

  'After you take a bath but I'm going first so you can wait outside. Ifyou
  walk in on me I will hurt you.'
  The words on the board caught all of Ranma's attention so he didn'tnotice
  the playful glint in her eye.

] This reads okay to me, but I'd suggest rewording it as:
    "After you take your bath. But I'm going first, so you'll have
    to wait outside. If you ever walk in on me, I'll have to hurt you!"
]It reads bit nicer.

and it sounds more playful... the way you had it written, it sounds more like an
outright threat...

  "Hey! What kind of per.. that is I'd never walk in on you deliberately
Akane.
  I'm not that kind of a guy. But if there ever was an accident," Ranma
paused
  and openly admired her, "I really think I'd like what I'd see."

] Oh yeah, that, and my Momma thinks it's a manly thing to do!

we haven't met Momma yet :)

] But seriously, try rewording it slightly. Like so:
    "Hey! What kind of per... er, that is, I'd never do such a thing
    on purpose. Still, if there was an accident," Ranma paused
    and smiled, "I think I'll like what I see."

I'd keep the 'really' and you're mixing tenses in your sentence... howabout:
"I think I'd really like what I'd see."

  'Hurry up! We're going to be late for school!'

  "School?" He thought aloud.

] Yeah, the place where you learn your ABCs, boy!

but Japanese doesn't have abc's... how about 'AEI's'? :)

  A hand slapped his shoulder. Akane stood beside him carrying two school
bags.

] Holding two bags. If Akane's standing, then she's 'holding' the
bags. If she's moving around with the bag, then she's 'carrying'
them.

if you're standing in line with a backpack on your shoulder, are you carrying it or
holding it? she's obviously not just standing around holding these bags for the heck of
it... she's on her way somewhere with them, hence carrying... but this is very nitpicky...

  As Genma returned to the table Soun cautiously watched his friend overthe
top
  edge of his newspaper. He wasn't positive what was bothering his Genma, but

i'd take out 'edge'... "...watched his friend over the top of his..." but that's
personaly preference... and i don't think Genma is really 'his'... i'd rework it
as either "...bothering his friend..." or "...bothering Genma..."

  was a dangerous conflict between the two of them and he hoped his first

] "...hoped that his..."

i think it's fine the way it's written... again, style preferences...

  Akane tore through the ranks of her opponents, a whirling dervish of
  destruction. Blows rained down upon her but she was never there whenthey
  landed. Or, more often than not, the diminutive girl pulled some
unfortunate
  into the path of an incoming bokken.

] Could use some rewording:
    Akane tore through the ranks of her opponents like a whirlwind
    of destruction. Blows rained upon her, but she simply was not there
    when they landed. More often than not, the diminutuve girl lured
    some unfortunate contenders into path of incoming bokken.

'diminutive' :)  ... and they're not contending for anything, really....

  He paused, he was angry, angry as all hell..but..she did seem to betaking

] "...angry as hell... but... she did seem..."

"He paused. He was angry; angry as..." or that's how i'd write it...

  care of the massed idiots quite nicely. Ranma grinned as the last boy
  collapsed to the ground; his kendo mask shattered, by Akane's fist, to

"the ground, his kendo mask shattered by Akane's fist to reveal..."

reveal
  an equally shattered jaw.

] Suggest omitting, 'by Akane's fist,' as we already know
who's responsible.

as opposed to her foot, for example....

  "Oooh," Ranma whispered to himself. "That had to hurt."

] "Ouch," not "Oooo,"

haven't you ever said 'ooh that had to hurt'? i know i have...

  Akane paused to catch her breath, surrounded by the bodies of the defeated.
  She noticed that, in the scuffle, she had dropped her white board. Asshe

] "She noticed that she had dropped her white board in the
scuffle." reads bit shorter, and still gets the point across.

i kinda like it the way it's written... again, we just seem to have different styles...

  to her feet and found herself facing..Kuno.

] Three peroids in an Ellipse.

'ellipsis.' an ellipse is a geometric figure :)

  has lost thy voice." His voice dripped with sarcasm, "Allow me toretrieve
it
  for you."

  In a smooth movement Kuno scooped up the plastic board. He moved as ifto
hand
  it to Akane but than clenched his fist crushing the piece of plastic in his
  grip. "Ah, forgive me Miss Tendo, I fear my careless fumbling has destroyed
  thy voice. Would seem to be Déjà vu all over again." A cruel sneerrippled
  across Kuno's face as all pretense of civility were dropped.

] Not very Kuno-esque thing for him to do. He'd be more inclined
to do damage with his bokken, not crushing the pad with his hand.
Besides, his strength lies in his use of bokken, not physical
strength.

this is quite true... perhaps he could flip it up with his bokken and 'accidentally' cut it in half?

] And why would it be a deja vu? There's nothing to indicate
that it would be one. Either Kuno's referring to Akane
defeating the boys, or destruction of Akane's board. This isn't
clear.

i think it's referring to the original accident in which she lost her voice. a reasonably
subtle way to needle her about her handicap, and tweak the guilt she feels over surviving when
her mother didn't... i just don't know if i'd give kuno credit to think on that many levels...

  "Once again you have disrespected your betters, Miss Tendo, and it falls to
me
  to protect this noble institution of education from thy flawed,crippled,
  presence. I, Tatewaki Kuno, The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shallbring

"... from thy flawed, crippled presence."

  thee to justice!" With his little speech finished, Kuno took anaggressive
  stance, holding his bokken before him, and prepared to strike.

"... aggressive stance holding his bokken before him and prepared tostrike."

  "Hold!" shouted Kuno. "Who be you Boy? And why does thou associate with the

] "Who would you be, boy?" or better yet, use a degrading term
such as 'miscreant' or 'you inferior.' That's more his style.

'uncouth lout'? :)

  likes of Akane Tendo?"
  Ranma's jaw hung open, frozen in mid-speech. "Who the hell did this guy
think
  he was?" he thought. "What is his problem anyway. Moron doesn't evenknow
me
  and he's actin' all aggressive. And what did he mean by 'the likes of Akane
  Tendo'. That sounded downright rude."

] "Who the hell does this guy thinks he is?" "What's his
problem, anyway?"

quite so. when the characters are thinking about what's going on around them, they think
in the present tense. unless they're Kodachi. she's insane enough to think in several tenses
at once :)

  "Get out of here Ranma," she thought, "I don't want you to get hu..I mean I
  don't need your help. Where did that come from?"

again with the ellipsis...

  "Well," Ranma began, but again was interrupted.

  "Wait," Kuno barked, "Is it not the custom for the righteous to givetheir

it should be either:
 "Wait," Kuno barked. "Is it not the custom for the righteous to givetheir
or:
 "Wait," Kuno barked, "is it not the custom for the righteous to givetheir

  "Staying with the Tendos'?" Kuno repeated, "And this wretch is yourexcuse
for
  a champion, Miss Tendo? Truly he must be pathetic if he would willingly
  associate with the likes of thee. I shall smite thee for daring to disgrace
  our school, and your champion for befriending thou abomination."

] "Truly, he..."

"befriending thou abomination" sounds wrong... perhaps "befriending an abomination
the likes of thee" might be better. a rule of thumb i've found works well for archaic
speach is to form the sentence in modern first, and then put in the archaics... following that
advice, the sentence becomes "... befriending you abomination." which doesn't quite make sense...

] Every time you close a dialogue with quoation marks, ALWAYS

what else would you close a dialog with? :)

  A cold wind blew through Akane's hair as she stared at Ranma. Theyoungest
  Saotome was oblivious of her gaze, so consumed by his anger.

"... so consumed was he by his anger."

He stood in front of
the school, his back was too her and he held one fist before him, eventhough
he was a good five feet away she could swear she heard the knucklescracking.

you should probably break that up into two sentences...
"... before him. Even though... "

  "Well class it seems we have a new student today. Ranma Saotome just
returned
  from a training trip to China. So lets all give him a big 'Ni Hao' welcome.

] Ni Hao is a Chinese term. Japanese teachers wouldn't use
that term.

eh. i can see it being done in this case... but then i've only had experience with
american teachers...

  "Great, just great." Ranma thought. "First day in school and not onlydo I
  get into a fight, but I'm late for class and the only person who I can even
  try to call my friend is angry at me." He stole a careful look atAkane.

] I wouldn't use 'stole.' Doesn't fit with the scene; use 'took'
instead.

'took' implies the he turned his head and looked. like you would take a look at a statue
or a fountain. 'stole' implies that you're sneaking a peak at something you shouldn't be
looking at, like you'd steal a look at the hot babe with the muscle-bound boyfriend.
i think ranma is more likely to steal a look at akane then look frankly at her... but that's
just me...

  Onna-Ranma peeked over the top of the whiteboard too see two angry,brown,

] You've got this habit of using 'too' instead 'two.' Fix that.

i think you mean 'too' instead of 'to' :)

  beautiful eyes boring holes into him. "Beautiful? Where did that come
from?"
  she thought.
  She handed the board back to Akane with a heavy sigh.

] *sigh* While I'm as much as supporter of Akane-Ranma pairing,
I dislike it when fanfics try to rush that particular pairing. Which
is clearly happening in here. Here, Ranma's already met Akane for
only a day, and he's thinking about how 'beautiful' she is.

] Avoid any possibility of romantic interests between them for
at least few days. Consider the possibility having them become
friends _first_. 'Cute' or 'nice to be with' would be okay.

] Just don't have them knock themselves out and start makin'
moves on each other so soon after they meet.

eh. while i agree in principle, there is such a thing as love at firstsight...
and most of the problems they've had stemmed from their first meeting. here, they
had a reasonably pleasant first encounter, and they have something sort-of in common.
it's quite possible for two people who think of themselves as outcasts to cling to each
other...

  Akane's eyes bulged. How dare that redheaded hussy! She was ready topound
  Ranma but stopped just for a second to listen. Ranma had earned thatmuch
  trust from the night before but as soon as she was done speaking...

] ..._hussy_? That's a term reserved for women. Akane already knows
about his curse. Use something like 'that chauvinist male!'
or something along these lines.

with her temper, i can see her thinking in terms of aparent gender instead of true gender...
she only met him the day before and hasn't really had time to let it sink in that this is a boy,
regardless of what he looks like...

  "You can take care of yerself. The way you tore through those kendo clowns,
  I've never seen anythin like that from anybody..cept maybe myself o'course.
  Akane rolled her eyes.

] "...o' course..." (extra spacing between the accent and course)

"...anythin' ..." basicaly any time someone chops a word like that, replace what's missing
with an apostrophe.

  Ranma didn't notice and nervously began tossing the whiteboard from one
hand

] "...didn't notice that and...

i think it reads better the way it is...

  some room for improvement but that's the same for everybody. You really
didn't
  need my help an..an..." Ranma stared at the floor, "An' I'm sorry bout

again with the apostrohpes and ellipses. it happens throughout the chapter,so
please keep it in mind...

  Ranma held the whiteboard out to Akane. "Yer wrong about you being afreak
or
  cripple. Yer not. This piece o' plastic don't mean nothin like that.It's
just
  a tool, like a hammer or a fist. It don't mean nothing about the person
using
  the tool." Ranma was getting increasingly nervous, "And in yercase..that
  is..I...mean...thepersonusingthatwhiteboardiskindacute." Ranma finished the
  sentence in one explosive breath.

] I'd rather have him say that he likes Akane
just as she is, but that's up to you.

i like it the way it's written...

] No comment. Can't think of anything suitable to say here, sorry.

then why comment at all? :) (picking nits is a hobby... sorry...)

  Ranma caught to Akane who was huddled in a corner behind some locker.Her
body
  wracked with silent sobs. It was, in its own way, a horrifying sight, A

] Decaptialize that 'A.' replace that last comma with semicolon.
And the next section is an incomplete sentence.

young,
  attractive girl curled up on the floor. Her face wet with tears and her
mouth
  hanging open; trying to express her pain through sobs but only silent cries
  are there. Ranma approached cautiously.

] "...cries were there..." Subject/verb agreement rule.

how about:
It was, in its own way, a horrifying sight. A young, attractive girl curled up on the
floor, her face wet with tears and her mouth hanging open trying to express her pain
through sobs, but making no sound. Only silent cries were there.

  'I'm a terrible person. You said I was cute and no one's ever said anything
  like that to me. And you said it, even though I just treated you so
terribly.
  And when you said I was cute, I don't know why, but I got angry and scared.
  You were trying to be nice and all I could do was get angry at you. I
thought
  awful things about you just because you turn into a girl and said I was
cute!
  I'm as bad as Kuno, I don't deserve your friendship. I'm just a cruel,
  freak.'

if this is written by a distraught young girl, most of it would probably me a run-on
sentence. the pace is there, but you broke it up into to many sentences. i'd make
everything from "You said I was cute and noone's..." to "... get angry at you."
one sentence with no punctuation. and the last sentence doesn't need acomma.

  Ranma laughed, "Yes I'm sure." And Akane's face shone like the sun,with a
  huge beautiful smile.
  Ranma was frozen by that smile. "Beyond cute." Echoed in her mind.

] X-inay on that part; It's been only a day and I doubt that Ranma'd
be considering romatic relationship with her so early. AND he'd
still have get used to Akane's scarring.

i'd have to agree here... still, he can admire the asthetics of his new iinazuke :)

  Akane responded with a nod and, hand in hand, two girls, both burdenedby
  life but never broken, ran out into the rain, hand in hand.

] You've used the same term 'hand in hand' twice in less than a
sentence; that's redundant. Fix that.

repetetive, even :)

=======

COMMENTS

Generally, I found this story to be somewhat dull. Consiering
that there's the original and three spin offs, you'll have to
strive to be more creative in order to differnate this story
from the rest.

i think that this addressed rather well in the second and (part of)
third parts. i'm certainly waiting for more chapters....

SabreBabe's 'When You're a Stranger' is a good example; she
explores the concept of 'mute-Akane' deeper by introducing
sign language, private schools for the disabled, and
forcing Ranma to face the disabled youths. All which makes
that fic unique, IMHO. Try to give this story some 'spice' or
flavoring to make it more interesting.

again, see later chapters....

And in here, I've noticed that Ranma practically ignores
the fact that Akane's a 'hopeless cripple.' In the original,
which I assume this fic happens right afterwards, Ranma's
replused by the sight of Akane's scarring. And he remained
uncomfortable about the fact afterwards.

Yet, in this chapter, this uncomfortablity rarely appears
in this fic, if at all. I doubt that he'd have adjusted to that
so quickly. Give him some reasonable amount of time to
accept it.

this is definitely a factor. i can accept it to this point on
the assumption that she's still wearing her scarf and he's
managed to put it out of his mind because he can't see it.
i do think that there should be several scenes later on that
show him reacting to the scar, but this early on, i'm willing
to let it go...

Well, that's all I've got to say. Here's hoping that you'll
be able to improve this story. Right now, with three
spinoffs of 'Mute-Akane' fics in circulation, it's
hard keep my interest in any of them for long. They
all read and feel same to me (with the exception of
When You're a Stranger, but even that's fading away).

this is definitely going to be a factor for you. i've
only read one other, but both fics seem to be going in
similar directions. you're really going to have to find
a way to make it unique. still and all, it's a good
story that deserves to be continued...


-Z

We are Dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.