My comments@@
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY. ^_^
=========================
RELENTLESS
A Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction
By Grayson Towler
-----------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Phobia
-----------------------------------------------------------
The late autumn weather in China seemed bent on making
Saotome Ranma's life a lot more dangerous. Snowstorms
in the mountains had forced the cancellation of the
last two trains he'd intended to catch, and
transportation by road to the next major town had all
but ground to a halt. Black ice on the bridges had
scared most drivers into parking their vehicles and
waiting for this cold snap to pass. Ranma didn't have
the luxury to stay in one place, though. If he
couldn't hitch a ride, he'd just have to make his way
on foot.
@@ Very nice opening.
Then again I'd be surprised if it
weren't. (I always have to work
to criticize Relentless. )
<This ain't good,> he told himself as he trudged along
the snow-packed road, keeping his eye peeled for any
driver who might be willing to take a chance on a
foreign hitchhiker.
@@Oh goody. A nit to pick. You don't need to use < >.
You've got a very deft touch with prose. You don't
need
symbols in the ordinary course of your writing. They
just act as a distraction.
<SNIP>
Ranma flailed groggily against weather-beaten steel,
desperate to get his bearings and mentally clawing to
keep a hold of consciousness. He pulled his face out
of the bashed-in grill of the truck which had stopped
his fall. He flopped up halfway to his feet,
scrambling on the hood for support. A man's voice was
shouting something in Chinese.
@@Another nit. I think that "pulled his
face out the bashed-in grill . . ." is too
slapstick for the seriousness of the story.
It completely jerks me out of the mood
of the story. {Which has been
superb up to this point.}
Ranma didn't have the strength to even try to speak.
He staggered around to the passenger door, his legs
flopping like rags as his feet slid on the ice.
@@ "flopping like rags" seems a bit much if he's still
on his feet. If he were on the ground it would make
more sense.
<SNIP>
"Splashed?" the Lost Girl squeaked.
"Yeah," Ukyou said, still trying to be reassuring.
"It ain't so bad, really..."
In an abrupt spasm of motion, Ryouga-chan launched
herself at the nearest tree and began slamming her
head into the trunk over and over. "I WILL AWAKEN AND
IT WILL BE GONE!" she howled between headbutts. Wood
splintered and bark flew under her onslaught.
@@ROTFLOL
<SNIP>
"FREEDOM!" Ryouga-chan cried, shaking her fists at the
sky in triumph. "At last, AT LAST I am free of the
pig! Goodbye, P-chan! Goodbye, humiliation!" She
belted out more peals of joyous laughter, hopping from
one foot to the other in a strange little victory
dance.
@@<BG> Nice touch.
<SNIP>
"It's not the perfect cure," Ryouga-chan admitted,
"But just think! Now that I'm a girl, nobody will
ever try to eat me again!"
Ukyou gagged and spluttered.
@@<VBG> I thought of that, but wasn't
going to mention it. ^_~
"<SNIP>
Ryouga-chan had begun a more thorough inspection of
her new body. She poked her chest tentatively, eyes
growing wider by the moment. Ukyou looked on as
Ryouga pulled back the collar of her shirt and
scrutinized her own torso with tremendous interest.
"Hey!" Ukyou cried indignantly. "Knock it off!"
Ryouga-chan withdrew her head from her collar, dazed
and grinning. "Heh," she managed to articulate,
raising one wobbly finger for emphasis. She then
toppled backwards like a plank, blood flowing from her
nose.
@@^_^ Why am I not surprised.
"You idiot," Ukyou grumbled to Ryouga-chan's
unconscious form. With a resigned sigh, she grabbed
her friend by the ankle and turned to trudge down the
south-east path, dragging Ryouga-chan behind her.
They had a lot more ground to cover today.
<SNIP>
The headmaster of Furinkan High, resplendent in his
eye-shattering
@@ "eye-shattering" <sigh> I wish I'd thought
of that one.
tropical ensemble, stood with a
megaphone in hand behind a hastily-erected podium.
He'd positioned himself beside the outdoor pool, which
was currently covered with a thick tarp. The students
and faculty milled about curiously, both nervous and
eager to see what scheme the Hawaiian Horror had
devised this time.
<SNIP>
"Oh no!" Kurumi said, waving her hand in a vain
attempt to seem casual. "No, it was probably just the
dander!"
The students regarded each other with dubious looks as
they absorbed this explanation. "Clam dander?"
@@??? Oh dear. I've laughed in spite of
myself. This section was entirely too silly
for the rest of the story. But I couldn't help
it. ^_O
I _really_ liked this section. I just don't like
it as much with the rest of Relentless. It just
seems too slap-stick to make a good fit.
It's good. It's funny. (very funny) It just
jars me out of the rest of the story.
Oh well, probably just me.
<SNIP>
It hadn't taken her anywhere near as long this evening
to find game as it had the past couple of nights.
This was another benefit of the rigorous training
she'd endured - her senses were far sharper than
before, and now she was good enough to bisect a
horsefly at fifty paces with a throwing spatula. The
hare she'd snagged for dinner hadn't even known she
was there.
@@ Due to the preceding silliness
I had a flash of Elmer Fudd chasing
Bugs into Ukyo's sights. ^_^
Ryouga was just about finished with the preparations
when she returned to camp with the spoils of her hunt.
The bandanna-clad martial artist had set up the tents
and finished gathering the wood for the fire.
<SNIP>
GOOD Read. Very Good Read.
I have some problems with the slap-stick
especially the "face-in-truck-grill" bit.
It's rather like watching War and Peace and
having Elmer chase Bugs through
the snow. ^_^
On a _slightly_ less jarring note . . .the
giant clam. I'd _really_ prefer a different
trap. OTOH the clam dander is priceless.
I still can't quite manage to fit the poetry
allergy into this story. :(
It's funny stuff. The characterizations are, as
always, wonderful. It's the . . .juxtaposition
that I find troublesome. It's almost like
an entirely different story within
this story.
However, I read through in one sitting.
Good read.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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