XmagicalX <ekarr@bowdoin.edu> wrote:
I'd love some C&C, but as this is my first post to FFML (hi
everybody!)...Please, be gentle!
Gentle? Aren't we always? Wa ha ha! Cardinal Fang, bring the comfy
chair!
Well... first of all, it's Principal Kuno, not President Kuno. Though
the latter just has to be spamfic material. For the people who despair
over the current slate of candidates, a reminder that it could always be
worse. :)
Beyond that, well... I have some trouble accepting the explanations
given in this fic. While it makes sense that Kuno would try to impress
Nabzy by outwitting her, would he really go to such lengths as seen in
the manga? Okay, maybe we can discount the Wishing Sword story (in which
Kuno squandered the wishes that could've fixed Ranma's curse, or even
discovered a cure for cancer) as an isolated incident. But what about
his inciting hordes of students to attack Akane every day before school?
Most of us can still find canon Kuno somewhat likeable, even though he
did this, because he's a schmuck who means well; he doesn't really
understand the harm he's causing. This one does, or at least should.
It's hard not to hold him responsible for stuff like that.
I'm not sure what to suggest here... I do think it would help if we knew
more about Kuno's feelings toward Nabiki. We're told that he loves her,
but we don't get any details on those feelings that might help us
emphasize with him and understand why he was driven to such great
lengths. I realize that this fic is from Nabzy's POV, which is fine, but
it ought to be possible to indirectly give a better picture of Kuno's
feelings than simply leaving it at "I love you."
On Nabiki herself: I think overall she was handled quite well. However,
her criminal-type activities are very fanfic cliche. There's no support
in the manga for Nabiki as the school bookie/loan shark. Now, I'd be
willing to put up with this for the sake of a good fic, but it seems to
me that in your case it's quite unnecessary. As far as I can see, what
you're doing here would work just as well with a more canonical
treatment of Nabiki.
I don't want to sound too discouraging here. Your writing was very good,
and it's certainly one of the better first fic attempts I've seen in
quite a while. I just have problems with the premise. I hope to see more
from you.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html