Hi,
My comments @@
Everything is In My Opinion (IMO) ONLY. ^_^
From:
"Shawn Gill" <ragen_drion@hotmail.com> |
Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma] [fanfic] The master's revenge:
schools united
Date:
Fri, 08 Sep 2000 08:58:57 GMT
this fanfiction is an alternaverse where certain
things happened
differently. in short, Happosai ends up a not being
quite himself,,
though
he is dead before the story begins (where Genma brings
Ranma to the
Tendo
dojo)
@@Ummm, don't explain what you're doing or going to
do.
Let the _story_ inform the reader. If it doesn't . .
.go back and re-write.
These characters and situations do not belong to me.
If by some chance
they
belong to someone reading this, I'd prolly work for
you for the price
of a
closet with a cot and two meals a day.
@@<sigh> It only takes a moment to write a proper
disclaimer acknowledging the original creator of
a manga/anime.
Example::
The characters of the Ranma � universe are the
creation and possession of the brilliant
Rumiko
Takahashi. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
her
licensees (Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV,
Viz
Communications Inc.) No copyright infringement
is
intended.
Fanfiction writers are borrowing the intellectual
property of another person. Even more, they
are borrowing characters and situations
that were _born_ in the hearts, minds, and
hard work of the original author. I feel it
is only courteous to acknowledge this.
C&C apreciated =)
--------------------------------
The Master's revenge: schools united
pt.1
It was a quiet day with the soft thunder
rolling in the air and the
smell
of approaching storms. Soun Tendou walked into the
kitchen.
"Kasumi-dear
would you go get the other girls?" The young woman
looked steadily at
her
father with a rather blank yet interested expression.
@@Ummm, "blank yet interested" is an . . .odd choice.
You might want to play around with some different
similes.
"What is it
father?"
"I will explain to you all together Kasumi." "Yes
father." Kasumi
quickly
left the kitchen. Soun walked out and sat at the head
of the table.
�Soon I
will have ensured my family's honor in the School of
Anything Goes.
Forgive
your weak Father my daughters. I will amend my wrongs
to you.' he
thought to
himself. Kasumi entered with two younger girls in tow
one seemed
depressed
and wore her hair fairly long with a yellow ribbon
contrasting its
darkness,
the other whose expression was very much a smirk
seemed to glow
arrogance.
"Good grief, what is it now daddy?" Soun turned his
eyes to the
arrogant
girl before him "Nabiki," he next looked at the long
haired girl
"Akane" and
then finally at Kasumi
@@Sentence structure is rather awkward.
You're giving the reader very stilted
descriptive passages. Try blending
description and action.
Example::
Kasumi entered the room followed by
her two sisters, seating herself opposite her father
with a graceful flair of her long skirts.
Nabiki, the middle sister, glanced sardonically
at her father, wondering what idiocy he had committed
and how much she could make out of it.
The youngest Tendou, fairly vibrating
with excess energy, bounded to her place, long hair
streaming like a battle flag in her rush.
@@OK, that was rather quick and dirty. And it is NOT
the only way to do things. It merely illustrates my
point. Integrate action and description. Do not merely
say
"A girl with long hair entered the room and sat down"
Put the girl in a situation that SHOWS the long hair.
"A girl entered the room, her waist length hair
swinging like a pendulum."
@@See, now we know it's long. And about how long.
Similarly other action can be descriptive in a manner
that shows emotion. For instance:::
"A girl rushed into the room . . ." Energy, perhaps
urgency.
"A girl stalked into the room . . ." Anger?
"A girl shuffled into the room . . ." Depression?
Now put it together::
"A girl shuffled miserably into the room, once
beautiful hair hanging to her waist like a dirty
rope."
<SNIP>
who recovered the quickest put herself nose to nose
with her father and
spoke in an icy tone. "You arranged for one of us to
be married?" Faint
knocking can be heard from outside the main gate.
@@You changed tense here.
And, this is pretty close to the original opening.
IMO, write this sort of thing to help you focus the
story. But edit it, or cut it entirely in the final
draft.
I often write quite long section of story that are
never posted. It helps flesh out the characters
and situation but isn't necessarily good for the
timing of the story.
I'd _start_ with everyone around the table
and "aunt Nodaka's husband . . ." That's
sufficiently different and seems to establish
that something has happened to Genma. ^_^
Soun sighed in relief
as
it distracted his trio of glaring daughters. Kasumi
promptly turned,"Oh
dear! I'll go get it." Soun happily rose and followed
her to the gate,
"That
must be them now." Nabiki and a visibly fuming Akane
started to move a
few
moments later.
@@ Ummm, try to make this a little different. Again
it's very close to the original (and hundreds of
other fanfics) For instance . . .have them come in the
side door at least. Or have them go meet Ranma &
mother at the train station. Better yet . . .open the
story with Nodaka and Ranma already around the table.
Unless there's something different about the
entrance, you don't need to repeat it.
(one of the difficulties with writing fanfiction.
The readers already know a lot of what's gone
before. ^_^)
<SNIP>
The owner of those eyes, a small
red
haired girl behind him, flipped her ponytail from her
shoulder,
casually.
Her chinese clothes seemed rather odd but the short
blade held fast by
a
dark black sash stood out even more.
@@Ummmm, against the law to display a weapon like
that.
The original Ranma got away with it because it's a
comedy. OTOH . . .this is a judgment call. However I'd
have the "bystanders" show a bit more shock. Japan is
a very regulated place. Weapons especailly are heavily
controled. This would be as if, in America, you saw
somebody strolling down the street with an anti-tank
missle. (For instance, you have to have one permit to
own a sword and another to transport it. AND, during
transport there are special regulations about how it
has to be wrapped and how the permit is to be
displayed. There are similar regularions on knives
above a certain length) Since this seems to be a
serious story I think this knife is treated a bit too
casually.
The panda began to wander off a
bit
again and this time the visage of the girl blurred a
moment and the
panda
found himself in a wall. She then yanked him up and
leaned in to
speak, "We
are going pop. His last request will be followed, even
if I have to be
less
then pleasant..." The panda saw her hand resting on
her short blade and
he
gulped comicly and nodded.
@@I'm not sure comicly[sic] is the right word choice
here. This is serious business. Or at least seems so
to me. (Perhaps I saw too many knife wounds as an EMT.
But there's _nothing_ funny about a knife or threat
from a knife. <brrrr>)
The panda then began walking without the
without
a hint of diversion from the pair's destination.
@@Interesting. OK. This IS different. I wasn't
expecting Nodaka at the door. OR the "evil" Ranma.
Good choice. The writing need a little polishing, but
you succeeded in fooling me (in a good way)
Congratulations. ^_^
Kasumi cautiously openned it to be greeted by
a pleasing sight. "Aunty
Nodoka it is so good to see you again." Nodoka walked
in, she had dark
hair
that shone red where the light caught it properly. In
her arms was a
long
bundle. "Ah my dear Kasumi, how are things?" "I am
fine Aunty." "Has my
son
arrived yet?" Soun stepped up to kasumi and Nodoka
and reszponded,
"No.
Genma and your son have not found their way here, but
I am sure they
will be
along any minute." The other two finally caught up and
Akane blurts
out,
@@You changed tense.
"Aunty do one of us really have to marry him?" She
turns her head doan,
ashamed for such an outburst. Nodoka smiles at Akane
sweetly.
"Akane-chan.
if it were up to me, no. But this has been made a
matter of honor
between
your father and my husband." Akane meekly nodded her
head. Kasumi, the
only
one without a contemplative look spoke up, "Aunty
would you like some
tea
while we wait?" Soun added in, "Yes that is a
wonderful idea Kasumi. If
you
would please Nodoka?" Nodoka replied she would and
they left for the
house.
@@The writing is a little rough. You need to be
careful about changing tenses in the middle of a
sentence. Also, integrate descriptions into action.
Work on a smoother more natural flow.
At the table, everyone was sitting and
listening to Nodoka. "Ranma has
been
a very dedicated student to the art. I haven't seen
him in two years."
"Two
years! Isn't that a long time?" "Oh Akane. He really
does love his
training.
He promised it would only be a year but sometimes his
father or the
master
get carried away." Soun's eyes bulged slightly and he
began coughing
from
soem misswallowed tea. He finally regains enough
composure to speak,
"No-Nodoka, did you just say the master?" Nodoka
seeing the man's
startlement smiled and spoke in the sweetest tones
possible. "Why yes.
Master Happosai has bee�"
@@Good. Another change in the time line and
introduced early on. AND in a very natural manner.
Excellent.
There is a great deal of commotion as a Panda
is
pushed into the room by an irrate young red haired
girl.
@@Change in tense.
Nodoka grabbed
the
girl in a fierce hug exclaiming, "Ranma your home!"
Nabiki walked up
to the
reunited pair and poked Ranma in the chest. "Are you
sure Nodoka? Your
son
is a she." Nodoka stepped away and looked into her
son's cool eyes,
recognizing them. "Jusenkyo?" she asked, looking at
the panda who had
tried
to somehow fade into the background. Ranma sighing and
muttering what
was
likely curses to himself nodded and replied, "Yes..
That's pop over
there."
Nodoka asked Kasumi who was at not in as much shock as
Soun or his
other
daughters.
@@Another change? Interesting that Nodoka knows
about the springs. AND is so calm about it.
<SNIP>
Both Nabiki and Kasumi started to speak only
to be interupted by
Ranma's
declaration "None of them! I remember you now. You
were a disciple of
the
master. You have no school anymore to join with the
Saotome school. In
fact�" Ranma removed his pack and set it down, pulling
out an old
wooden
dojo sign with the name 'Tendo School of Anything
Goes Martial Arts'
carved
into it. "�the whole pledge is fullfilled. I am the
master of your
school as
well."
@@??? How so? Now if Ranma defeated Happosai OR was
made his heir that _might_ make him the new master of
the
Tendou school. OTOH neither Genma or Soun _willingly_
acknowledged that he was master. Further . . .where
did he get the
doujou sign? Traditionally you take down the sign
after you've
defeated the master of a particular school. Ranma
should
fight Soun for the sign. (or perhaps Akane) And,
finally, this
doesn't have anything to do with the marriage. IF
Nodoka, Genma, Ranma
etc, are operating under traditional rules . . .Ranma
doesn't have anything
to say about who he marries. NOR does it matter that
he
is or isn't master of the Tendou school.
Marriage plans are up to Nodoka and Genma.
If Nodoka say's he marries . . .Ranma marries. No
questions. No excuses. Traditionally if Genma (or
Nodoka) were a thief and got caught, it would be
Ranma's duty to take responsibility.
There's a very old story about a magistrates
wife who was accused of theft and condemned to death.
After her death it was found that the magistrates
_mother_ had committed the theft AND that the
magistrate had known, letting his wife be executed to
shield his mother. The magistrate
was universally _praised_ for being a good and
honorable son.
More recently in Japan, (1960's?) a young, pregnant
wife was thrown out of her home by her mother-in-law
who didn't like her. She took shelter with a friend.
After the birth of her child the mother-in-law, with
son in tow, took the child from the mother and gave it
away for adoption.
In traditional Japan the mother and father, and
especially the mother in many circumstances, have
ABSOLUTE power over their children.
A lot of Ranma was parody of traditional life.
However, if you're doing a more serious work you need
to be careful when dealing with these subjects.
If your story accepts, in a serious manner, that
Nodoka is carrying around a katana to lop off her
husband and son's heads after the belly slitting, then
the story also should accept _other_ cultural quirks.
^_^
Things _have_ changed in recent times, but there are
still traditionalists. And if you're going to have
Ranma operating under the old rules of becoming
"master" through combat and taking doujou signs it's
hard to reconcile NOT following the other traditions
I'll recommend a few books that might help::
NTC's Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words, Boye
Lafayette De Mente
Everyday Life in Traditional Japan, Charles J. Dunn
Lost Japan, Alex Kerr
Speed Tribes, Karl Taro Greenfeld (a more contemporary
look at Japan)
@@Overall:: C+
Writing: C
Story : B
You've got some very interesting ideas. And you
completely fooled me on several occasions. Very good.
The writing is rough in spots. However nothing that
can't be fixed by . . .writing. ^_^
And reading. Find some of your favorite books. Then
compare passages with what you've written. Look at how
action and description are integrated. Pay attention
to dialogue and use of simile.
Do some research on Japanese culture and tradition.
Make sure that the characterizations and plot are
internally consistent.
{You may have done that already. However I found
that last bit with pulling the sign from the pack very
jarring}
I think this story has potential. Do a little creative
editing to eliminate redundant or awkward passages. I
look forward to the next draft. ^_^
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