Back from vacation, I return bearing C&C....
BTW, for those interested, my webpage has moved to
<http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html>. Also, my execpc.com E-mail
address will shortly be defunct, so to anyone who wants to mail me,
please use kleppe@mediaone.net instead.
(Don't you wish that *all* webpage/email address updates came with an
extensive C&C on someone else's fic? I know I do. ^_^)
"Grayson R. Towler" <grayson@mail2.meridian-ds.com> wrote:
Since this is a long file, I'll just post the link:
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless/relentless13.txt
I, however, will shamelessly hog WW's bandwidth by posting this entire
C&C to the list. :) But I did snip most of the fic. Hope he appreciates
it. ^_^
The late autumn weather in China seemed bent on making
Saotome Ranma's life a lot more dangerous. Snowstorms
in the mountains had forced the cancellation of the
last two trains he'd intended to catch, and
transportation by road to the next major town had all
but ground to a halt. Black ice on the bridges had
scared most drivers into parking their vehicles and
waiting for this cold snap to pass. Ranma didn't have
the luxury to stay in one place, though. If he
Suggest: 'the luxury of staying in one'
(doesn't quite seem right as written, though maybe it's just me)
<I hate this,> he grumble inwardly. <I gotta find a
grumbled
<And meanwhile, that ugly monster's walkin' straight
through someone's kitchen to get at you,> he chided
himself. <Ain't so easy, is it?> Still, heading
REIKOKU: On the contrary. It's very easy. Those walls don't take much
effort to smash through.
This wasn't his ideal choice for a battleground, but
he was on a relatively flat patch of road without too
much snow and ice. It was as good a place as he was
Suggest: too much snow or ice. (on the principle that not (A or B)
equals (not A) and (not B).)
He focused his ki into pulsing auras of hot and cold
around his fists, preparing to execute his One-Man
Dragon attacks. He could feel the dark presence of
the Reikoku like a blanket of needle-sharp claws being
dragged across his skin now. It was very close,
(winces) Very vivid way of putting it.
almost close enough for him to smell its rotten, briny
reek. It would be coming into view very soon.
<Since when does the Reikoku stink?> part of him
asked.
REIKO: Hey, you try pursuing someone twenty-four hours a day, seven days
a week, and see if *you* have time to bathe.
The winds released their cruel grip on Ranma's body,
sending him tumbling to the earth. He slammed into
ice-covered stone at a fearsome velocity - the
Suggest: velocity; the (the dash doesn't seem to work there)
Ranma flailed groggily against weather-beaten steel,
desperate to get his bearings and mentally clawing to
keep a hold of consciousness. He pulled his face out
of the bashed-in grill of the truck which had stopped
grille
MAN: You idiot! Do you know how hard it is to get a Hibachi in rural
China?
<Too close... that was too damned close,> he thought
foggily. He really didn't like having to turn to a
complete stranger to bail him out, and he wasn't too
keen on going back the way he'd come, but right now he
was immensely grateful for the ill-tempered old farmer
and his rattletrap truck.
<I gotta get a handle on this cat thing,> he thought
as weariness overwhelmed him. <I'm a dead man if I
don't.>
And the Reikoku shows that it still has yet more tricks up its sleeves.
You've done great work building this creature up as an opponent that
seems unbeatable. If you can pull the ending off without a deus ex
machina, you'll really have one of the all-time classic fanfics.
- - - - - -
Ryouga fidgeted as he watched Ukyou dangle the earring
before her, waiting for its natural swinging to stop
so they could see which way it pointed. They stood at
UKYO: You are getting sleepy... your eyelids are closing....
Whether she heeded Ukyou's command or simply broke off
on her own accord, Ryouga-chan stopped her head
banging frenzy and turned to face her friend. Tears
brimmed at the corner of her eyes. "I didn't feel
that," she muttered. "It must... just be a dream..."
"Ryouga..."
The much-abused tree creaked and began to topple.
Ukyou leaped out of the way, but the trunk landed
directly on Ryouga-chan's head and cracked in half.
"I... felt that," the fanged girl whispered from
amidst the wreckage of the tree. "I must be awake."
Um... this bit is straight out of the manga (vol. 9). Obviously, I can't
argue that it's out of character for Ryoga, but, well... one of the
strengths of this series for me has been the ability to do bits that
match the tone and flavor of Takahashi's work *without* rehashing it
scene for scene. While this bit certainly isn't bad, I'd rather see
something more original.
"It's not the perfect cure," Ryouga-chan admitted,
"But just think! Now that I'm a girl, nobody will
ever try to eat me again!"
Ukyou gagged and spluttered.
"What?" Ryouga-chan asked in confusion. "Did I say
something?"
Heh heh... the joke fit so well that you *had* to make it. :)
RYOGA: From now on, Hibiki Ryoga will be pork for no man!
UKYO: Porked by...? *cough*
Natsume let her whirlwind dissipate as Kurumi plucked
a bright red leaf from the pack. The rest of the
leaves, all the colorful orphans of fall, scattered
away in the wind, wafting aimlessly through the air
towards their uncertain destinations. She propped her
rugbeater on her shoulder, closed her eyes, and took a
deep breath. "She said: `His thoughtless words broke
my heart.'"
Nabiki furrowed her brow. "That was it?"
NABIKI: Oh, Ranma....
RANMA: Hey! I've got an airtight alibi for THIS one!
Just kidding. We all know who the father really is by now....
"Dat's right!" the principal proclaimed. "If you
wanna transfer in as an upperclassman, you gotta fill
out da upperclassman form! Unless you wanna be goin'
back ta freshman year, wahine.
Missed a closing quote mark there.
"In spite of their great size, the giant clam can shut
its mouth with deceptive speed," the scuba member
announced, borrowing a microphone to address the
crowd. "Even fast-moving tropical fish fall victim to
its deadly trap. Can any human hope to survive an
encounter with such a menace?"
"I wish he'd shut up," Kurumi growled.
NABIKI: Or... clam up?
KURUMI: Oh, please!
Jubilant cheers erupted from the crowd as Natsume
emerged from the water, prize in hand. To the delight
of the onlookers, she closed her eyes and
concentrated, spinning her rugbeater around her head
with one hand. Whistling winds kicked up instantly,
swirling about her body and thrashing her ponytail
like a whip. When she emerged from the small tornado,
she was almost completely dry.
The crowd, however, was soaked.
"He came to your rescue," Kurumi observed.
"I noticed."
She grinned and elbowed her big sister. "Kind of
cool, isn't it?"
"Er..."
KURUMI: Don't you think Kuno is nice?
NATSUME: (smiles) I suppose so, sure.
KUR: You and he could get to be friends, right?
NATS: (bigger smile, baring teeth) I don't see why not.
KUR: And you and he could be a couple at the end of this series?
NATS: (smiling even more hugely) Not on your life.
UKYO: I know how you feel. A certain writer thinks he's going to pair
*me* up with Mikado Sanzenin in *his* fic. Fat chance!
GARY: Hey!
With that, the glorious Kunou Tatewaki did apply his
boot to the diabolical head of his malignant cur of a
father. Well did he apply it, with great force
mustered behind the mighty boot. And lo! The
hellspawed headmaster was indeed caught completely by
surprise, not suspecting to be faced with such a
subtle and wily strategy from his foe. His loathsome
body did hurtle through the sky, until his recently-
booted head truly collided with the stout walls of
that noble institution of learning, Furinkan High.
And so it was that his head did become buried in the
concrete, and lost unto him was his consciousness.
*bonk*
NARRATOR: *I'M* telling this story, pal! Sorry about that, folks... it
appears Mr. Kuno forced his way into the narrator's booth. Now, as I was
saying....
(I had no problem with the way this paragraph is written. Just thought I
should say something. ^_^)
I've mixed feelings about the kick. On the one hand, it's an admission
of sorts that kendo isn't the ultimate in combat. On the other, I
suppose Tatchi can take pride the superiority of knowing when *not* to
use kendo.
The mouths of hundreds of students dropped in shock.
"Well, that was certainly at twist," Nabiki muttered.
at -> a
"Hey, he gave you flowers!" Kurumi observed brightly.
"Nobody's ever give you flowers before."
"Nobody's ever given
or
"Nobody ever gave
would be grammatically correct.
Amazed whisperings flickered through the assembled
students like flashes of lightning in a thunderhead.
It had been a while since anybody had seen Kunou make
a good impression on a girl, especially a martial
artist (and a Tendou, no less!). And here was the
Well, there was Mariko, who's a martial cheerleader....
The double punctuation there's just gotta be wrong. I'd drop the period.
normally composed and austere Natsume, blushing and
tongue-tied in the face of Kunou's bouquet-and-date
routine.
Nabiki was simply unable to leave well enough alone.
"Aren't you forgetting someone, Kunou-baby?"
TATEWAKI: No date for you, Tendo Nabiki.
Though Natsie's susceptibility to bad poetry still strikes me as a bit
silly, it's a nice dynamic coupled with Kuno's tendency to spout the
stuff. Kinda like Ranma and Shampoo's curse, or Mitaka and Kyoko's dog
(from MI).
He hefted the flat-bladed weapon in his grasp, giving
her a concerned look. "Are you sure this is okay?"
"Here, you're holding it wrong," she said, reaching
for his hands to adjust his grip. "There, like that.
This thing catches a lot of air when you swing it, you
know. You have to learn to pivot it like a sail to
use that air resistance to your advantage. Otherwise,
you can't put your full power behind your swing."
"I see," Ryouga said.
UKYO: And you need to practice the official battle cry. Repeat after me:
"Ran-chan, you JACKASS!!"
That probably wasn't it, she decided. There was a
distinct pattern for which of her sisters bore her the
most resentment. For instance, Fo Lesu had been
Hope that name isn't what I think it is. ^_^;;;;;
SHAMPOO: This my classmate Fo Lesu. She go to university in Shanghai,
and is now a cunning linguist.
[Suppress many more such remarks]
practicing herbalism two years longer than Shampoo,
but she hadn't ever mastered any of the higher
techniques, like the Xi Fa Xiang Go memory-altering
That's Xi Fa Xiang Gao, at least according to Viz. (I don't have the
original Japanese version of that volume.)
Then there was Laidu Lu, who'd been the champion of
Chinese names are a one-syllable family name followed by a given name of
one or two syllables. Thus this person should probably be Lai Dulu, with
Lai as the family name. If this horribly screws up the pun in the name
(looks like "Ladle" to me, though I could be wrong) you could claim that
Amazon names are just weird, but my guess is it'd probably work just as
well.
The intensity of their resentment surprised her, but
at least they did not cross the line from being mean-
spirited to being outright abusive. There was only
one girl who seemed to be working up her courage to go
farther than just giving Shampoo exceptionally
difficult chores to do. It was pig-faced, bullying
was the
Shampoo hadn't expected some of the others to resent
her so much, but she'd known perfectly well that old
Dushu Baigu would want to take a piece out of her
Now, *that* one I get.
DU: Slave! More vinegar and water!
SHAMPS: Right away, mistress.
Consider my earlier comments on number of syllables restated. I don't
know whether four-syllable names actually exist -- I've met plenty of
Chinese and never heard of one.
"What you want, outsider?" Dushu Baigu barked in
thickly-accented Japanese.
"This not your business."
Wrapping error here.
A new voice cut through the air, ancient and
commanding. "I think that will be enough of this
nonsense for today."
"Elder Cologne!" Dushu Baigu cried. "This girl...
she..."
I can see why Cologne would speak in Japanese, in order that Akane know
what she's saying. But why would Du answer her in Japanese, rather than
Chinese which is easier for her and rubs in the fact that Akane is an
outsider?
"Uh..." Akane scratched her head. "Mousse?"
Cologne responded to this with an eloquent snort.
MOUSSE: At last! Here he is! Ranma, I've found you at last!
AKANE: You idiot! I'm not Ranma!
"Okay, maybe not," Akane relented.
COLOGNE: *bap* You're not supposed to do that! Read the title of the
series!
<Man, this is a lot worse than travelin' with pop all
Pop (capitalize when used as a name)
The need to flee surged like a tidal wave in Ranma's
mind. He desperately focused all his will upon the
Soul of Ice technique, struggling to control the
hammering of his heart. His battle aura turned a
shocking blue, and he heard a distinct crackling
noise. The air swirled around him, frosty crystals
coalescing from the vapor onto his skin. In the face
of the small grey kitten, Saotome Ranma, the Master of
the Anything-Goes School of martial arts, froze
himself solid.
Heh heh. Well, not every idea you try is going to work.
"Hold your horses, sugar," she told him. "We both
know how slippery he is, right? We have the element
of surprise right now. I say we make good use of it."
Ryouga peered through the gloom at her. "What are you
suggesting?"
She grinned and leaned close to him, her voice
dropping to a whisper. "Listen up. I have a plan."
Geez, they've got two pairs of boobs... what more do you *need* to catch
Happosai?
RYOGA: (shakes fist) I am not a boob!!
UKYO: Would you like a second opinion?
RYOGA: Um... okay.
UKYO: (shakes fist) Neither am I!!
An engaging and enjoyable read, as always. Looking forward to the next
chapter whenever time and other projects allow.